But why worry? Balance is for the birds. Why not add unbalanced reading to all the rest of the stuff that’s currently unbalanced in my life?

This month I read:

Adult Fiction

• The Damascus Way by Davis Bunn and Janette Oke
  I’m continuing to enjoy these historical novels set around the early church. This one includes (can you guess?) Saul, the church persecutor, in addition to familiar characters (both Biblical and fictional) from the previous books in the series. I’m realizing that this is as far as the series goes at this point. Oh my! I’ve committed the unthinkable, getting engrossed in a series that isn’t finished yet!
• The Drifter, The Maverick, and The Plainsman by Lori Copeland
  An okay series, mostly fluff but good for a turn-off-your-brain read. I enjoyed The Drifter (the second book in the series) best. In it, a Kansas widow saves a drifter who was being mauled by a wolf–and then tries to force him to marry her so she can keep her homestead claim. Maybe I just enjoyed that one because I’m a sucker for stories of marriages of convenience.
• Letter Perfect by Cathy Marie Hake
  Ruth Caldwell causes trouble wherever she goes. She doesn’t intend to do it, but not even a half dozen young ladies finishing schools has been able to turn her into a “letter perfect” woman. When her mother’s dying wish sends her to California to stay with the father she never knew–and when the father turns out to be no longer living… Well, things get interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed this story.
• Bittersweet by Cathy Marie Hake
  The sequel to the aforementioned title, Bittersweet follows Ruth’s sister-in-law Laney, whose longstanding crush Galen has finally started noticing her. But when the squatter living on Galen’s land makes a startling revelation, Laney’s hopes and dreams come crashing down. I’m definitely enjoying Hake these days.
• A Vote of Confidence by Robin Lee Hatcher
  Hatcher sure likes her suffragettes. I’m not quite as fond of these I-will-never-marry-oops-I-fell-in-love heroines as she seems to be. Hatcher’s books are fluffy reads, okay but not amazing.
• Ariel Custer by Grace Livingston Hill
  A bit unique among Hill’s works in that it includes a bit of a mystery (about 3/4 of the way through). Oh, and it includes a bad mother (probably what sets it apart most from Hill’s other works.) It took a while to get started, but once it was going, I enjoyed it well enough.
• The Rest of Her Life by Laura Moriarty
  A beautiful, introspective novel with realistic, nuanced relationships. This is probably the best novel I’ve read so far this year. Read my full review here.

Adult Non-fiction

• Busy Mom’s Guide to Family Nutrition by Paul C. Reisser
  A basic nutrition guide put out by the Focus on the Family Physician’s Resource Council. I gave it a “meh” review and suggested that I should write my own Christian nutrition reference–something that I’m only half kidding about.
• Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman
  Barbara H. wrote an excellent review of this book just as I was finishing it up and returning it to the library. I didn’t feel the need to write a repeat review. Suffice to say that it was very good. I’m so thankful that God opened my eyes to His marvelous grace six years ago in Jacksonville, Florida. I pray that others will recognize that they were not only saved (past-tense) by grace, but that they also walk (present-tense) through God’s grace. This book is a good reminder.
• Knack Pregnancy Guide
  Research, I tell you, research. :-) And maybe just my own continuing curiosity. I’m still pretty bummed that my midwife career didn’t pan out.
• Make the Bread, Buy the Butter by Jennifer Reese
  I read every blurb all the way through. I tried one recipe. I returned the book to the library. I ordered myself a copy. Jennifer Reese is my hero, comparing the homemade version to the store-bought for everything from cake to cheese to hot dogs. Alice of Supratentorial also wrote some thoughts on this book while I was in the middle of it. Her conclusion: Buy it. I concur.
• The Penguin Book of Women’s Humor edited by Regina Barreca
  The back of the book explains that this is “a landmark anthology that proves there is a distinctly female way of being funny.” If this anthology showcases this distinctly female way of being funny, I can summarize said distinctive way in two words: Not Funny. 600 pages of venomous bitterness. Blech. I gave up when I still hadn’t found anything funny by page 229.

Juvenile Fiction

• Cam Jansen and the Mystery of the Stolen Corn Popper by David A. Adler
• Cam Jansen and the Chocolate Fudge Mystery by David A. Adler
• Young Cam Jansen and the 100th Day of School Mystery by David A. Adler
• Young Cam Jansen and the Ice Skate Mystery by David A. Adler
• Young Cam Jansen and the Library Mystery by David A. Adler
• Mystery at Devil’s Paw by Franklin W. Dixon
• Boston Jane by Jennifer L. Holm
  Jane is a motherless tomboy throwing mud in the Philadelphia streets before William Baldt shows up on her doorstep to apprentice under her father. Then she’s off to school to learn how to be a lady (after all, William thinks it’s important). Jane pines for William when he leaves on a ship for Washington Territory, but the two correspond as promised–and at last Jane leaves for Washington to become William’s bride. When she gets there, though, she discovers that Washington isn’t quite what she expected–and neither is her fiance. This was a very strange book. It’s labeled as juvenile fiction by my library, but it’s really not. It’s pioneer fiction, with a main character who starts as a girl and emerges as a woman. I suppose it wasn’t edgy enough to be labeled YA–and couldn’t be adult fiction because Jane isn’t even 18 when the book ends. It was pretty good, if unclassifiable.
• The Redheaded Princess by Ann Rinaldi
  I checked out Rinaldi’s book about Lady Jane Grey during my last library trip–so now it was time to see how she would portray Jane’s cousin, Elizabeth. The Redheaded Princess didn’t disappoint. It was a enjoyable detailed little novel about the girl who would become Queen Elizabeth I.
• At least 36 Children’s picture books

Juvenile Non-Fiction

• One-Room School by Raymond Bial
  A glossy, full-color history of rural one-room schools. I cried a little (for real) when I read: “In addition to the Amish, Hutterite, and other parochial schools, there are still more than 800 one-room public schools, mostly in Nebraska…” Sadly, in the twelve years since this lovely little history was written, one-room schools have disappeared from Nebraska’s landscape to be replaced by consolidated schools that offer long bus rides and sub-par educations. Despite the sadness this book reminded me of, the book itself is a wonderful tribute to the way the majority of American students learned for over a century.
• Passover: Celebrating Now, Remembering Then by Harriet Ziefert
  Do you plan on celebrating the Passover with your little ones? If you don’t, you should consider it (talk to me for more info about how the Passover points to Jesus.) If you do, you should consider picking up a copy of this book to prep your kids for what’s to come. This lovely book goes through the basic order of the Seder, describing what is done (“Now we hold up the roasted lamb bone”) and pointing backwards to the Exodus (“Then the Angel of Death passed over the homes of the Israelites.”) This is a great introduction to the Seder–and worth having.

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

“Do you have a sister in high school?” she asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Does she go to Lakeview?”

“No, she’s in Lincoln.”

“Oh,” she was visibly disappointed. “Because I saw someone who looked just like you at Lakeview last night.”

I laughed and explained that I must have a doppelganger in town–which led to a fascinating discussion about doppelgangers with a group of three third graders.

“Does everyone have a doppelganger?” one girl asked.

I was refilling my water bottle, minding my own business, when the resident’s comment forced my attention.

“How are things in Neligh?”

A bit confused, I answered “I’m sorry?”

“How’s your family?”

“They’re doing well, thank you.”

“Is your dad still…”

He must have seen the confusion on my face, for he stopped and explained.

“There’s a really good Christian man with nine or ten children in Neligh–and, well, you look just like his oldest daughter.”

“Oh, sorry–I’m just the second of seven, not the first of nine or ten.”

I laughed it off, wondering how much my full skirt and long hair had to do with the mix-up.

I can go months, even years without being mistaken for someone else (or having someone else mistaken for my sister)–yet I ended up with two doppelganger sitings in as many weeks.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a doppelganger?

Oh wait.

I am interested in cutting through the hype about health and nutrition. Which is why I agreed to review Tyndale’s Busy Mom’s Guide to Family Nutrition.

While I may not be the target audience of this book, as a Registered Dietitian with a keen interest in food and families, I do have some basis by which to evaluate this material.

The good news is that the majority of the information found within this book is accurate. “The Official Book of the Focus on the Family Physician’s Resource Council, USA” contains standard, low-hype information about food and nutrition. While there were a few unclear statements and a few answers that missed the main point, most of this book is scientifically sound.

The bad news is that, well, I just didn’t like this book.

First (and most frivolously), despite the promising glossy cover, this book was printed on that cheap acid-filled paper that disintegrates within a couple of years, making it far less than ideal as a reference work.

Second, the organization of this book made absolutely no sense. The book was written in a Q&A format in which questions were grouped under broad headings that made up chapters. So far, so good–except that the broad headings were often so vague as to give no information as to what could be found within, and the questions had no logical order to them.

An example: The first chapter was entitled “Nutritional Basics.” The first five questions answered under “Nutritional Basics”? “What is a nutrient?” “What are carbohydrates?” “Why do I sometimes seem to crave sugar?” “What is hypoglycemia–and do I have it?” and “What are the different sugars I might find at home?”

Yeah. Not quite sure what the editors were thinking on that one.

As a result, I don’t see how this book could really be useful as a reference, since the only way to know how to find the information you’re looking for is to read the book straight through. And while *I* might be willing to read it straight through, I think it’s silly to expect a “busy mom” to read a book of this sort straight through. The information is far from novel enough to compel great interest and the writing style and mode of delivery is nothing spectacular either.

Finally, while I am fully convinced that how we relate to food has spiritual implications, there’s nothing uniquely “Christian” about this book’s information–apart from a comment or two about blessing food before you eat it or the Hindu roots of yoga. I don’t see any reason why Focus on the Family needs to have a book about nutrition in the first place–and I especially don’t know why they need to have a book about nutrition if they’re only going to glance over anything spiritual related to nutrition.

This book clearly does not satisfy my desire for a well-written nutrition reference that takes into account the physiological, psychological, psychosocial, and spiritual aspects of food. I guess I’ll just have to write my own!

I received this book from Tyndale House in exchange for an honest review. I did not receive any other compensation for this review.

Walnut, Nebraska, now little more than a memory and a decrepit building on my Uncle Richard’s property, is one such town. My great-Grandma Louise Cook was the postmistress for Walnut Grove Township and ran the general store, supplying the surrounding farms with news and goods.

Grandma Louise owned the general store with her husband Ben Marshall. Back then the store was across from my Uncle Dean’s house–that is, the house where his widow lives now. Ben and Louise were in the process of moving to a new store–the store that still stands today–when Ben Marshall died in the Spanish flu epidemic of 1918. Louise had a four-year-old son and a child on the way and the contents of the general store were mostly packed inside their new house–the home my Uncle Richard lives in now.

Louise held up admirably under the circumstances she had been given. She settled the new store, bore her son, Ben Jr, and cared for her older son, who was crippled by polio in the years after the death of his father. She was still a widow at the time of the 1920 census, with her occupation listed as “Salesmistress” of the “General Store.”

Some time later, Louise married my grandfather, Orval Anthony Cook. Orval was four years younger than she, and at the time of the 1920 Census, was listed as a laborer on the “home farm” owned by his parents.

Louise continued to run the store and be the Walnut Grove Postmistress throughout the Great Depression. The postmistress job was a good, steady income that enabled the family to weather the depression. The general store enabled many other families to weather the Depression. Often, families from the surrounding farms would purchase their groceries at the general store on credit they could not afford to repay. Grandpa Orval would go about to try to collect bills and often came home with an animal or two.

The Nebraska GenNet Project has a map of the Walnut Grove Township from the 1920 Atlas of Knox County. The northeast corner of the map is a snapshot into my family history.

Benj C. Marshall, whose property sits near the center of the extract above, was my great-grandma Louise’s first husband. By the time this atlas was published, he was already deceased and Louise was running the General Store on their property by herself. Her property was bounded on the west by the property belonging to her father, Herman Block.

By the southeast corner of Herman’s property, Orval Anthony Cook (who would marry Grandma Louise and become my great-grandfather) was working on the “home farm” belonging to his father Willie G. Cook. Frank E. Butterfield, who owned property sprinkled throughout the extract above, was Orval’s uncle.

The very corner property, which extends into Jefferson Township (and possibly into Washington Township as well), belonged to Nels Nelson. Nels’s granddaughter Carol would one day marry Louise and Orval’s son, my Grandpa Ronald.

Which brings me to today.

Walnut, Nebraska no longer exists as a town–but it still exists.

This is my mother-land, my home-place. While I never lived in Walnut, Nebraska, I still grew up there.

I grew up riding north over the “Big Crick”, turning west onto what was Benj C Marshall’s land. I waved to my Uncle Richard before driving past the old General Store.

I grew up “romping” through Walnut hills, “wading” in Walnut’s “Big Crick”, roasting wienies with Walnut wood.

While few, if any, will recognize the name “Walnut, Nebraska”, those that do think of it fondly.

Walnut, Nebraska?

Walnut is where my family is from.

In every story, we learned the same truths. The people forgot what God had done in providing them food or protection or leadership. The people complained about the circumstances God had brought them into. The people were punished for their complaining.

In Deuteronomy, we were reminded through Moses’ words to do the opposite. Moses told the people to remember what God had done and said. He told them to be thankful and to obey God. And he promised them that when they remembered and were obedient, God would bless them.

For the first time, I added my own activity sheet to the mix. I still used the “Fuel up” worksheet, but now I had a handout with the words “Thank you, God, for ________________” below a blank box. I instructed the kids to practice thankfulness at once by drawing a picture and filling in the blank with what they were thankful to God for.

The next week, in Joshua, we contrasted the battle of Jericho with the battle of Ai. We marched around our classroom six times silently and another seven times shaking homemade rattles (old pill bottles filled with a variety of noisy beans/bells/rice/pebbles/craft supplies). We tried out darnedest to make even our classroom tables fall down, but we concluded that God’s plan was humanly impossible. Marching around silently and then loudly does not defeat cities–especially not super-strong ones like Jericho.

Yet when the people obeyed, following God’s plan, they succeeded in destroying Jericho.

Contrast this with Ai, where the people are sure that they can win. Ai was in such bad shape that the Israelites wouldn’t even need all their warriors to defeat them. This was easy-peasy.

But Achan was disobedient–and the battle they should have (humanly) won with plenty to spare ended up as a crushing defeat.

We discovered that when we are obedient, God works to do impossible things. We discovered that when we are disobedient, God allows our defeat–even when we’ve got “everything going for us.”

In Judges, we found Numbers all over again, only with a twist.

Joshua died and there was no leader to take his place. Everyone did what they thought was right. They forgot God, they worshiped other gods, they did evil in God’s sight. God delivered them into the hands of their enemies. They cried to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer (a judge). The judge dies and there is no leader to take his place. Everyone does…

The cycle goes on and on and on.

I was still trying to follow the “Fuel up” worksheets, but was getting frustrated with how they emphasized what I felt were tangential details.

“Stick to the point”, I felt like telling the author (who, of course, I have no contact with).

To be continued…

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me–watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
~Matthew 11, from Eugene Petersen’s The Message

This week, I’m thankful…

…for a pillow and blanket in the car and for wisdom to know when to use them
I had a long day night at work last Thursday. I drove home as the sun rose. I napped in Clarks. By the grace of God, I arrived home intact.

…for a flexible boss
Can I just say that I really appreciate my boss?

…for the ability to work from home and for the wisdom to know when (and when not) to use it
It was good for me to check my e-mail on Friday, to do the two minutes of work to put my dietary manager on a better footing. It was also good for me to choose not to do any other work on Friday. It was good to get all my “prep work” done on Saturday from home so I could only spend a couple/three hours in the facility on Sunday. I don’t have a lot of internal balance when it comes to work–but I trust God is helping me learn some.

…for trying a Pinterest tip while watching a YouTube video
I haven’t done anything around the house for what seems like forever–so, while attempting to clean a bread pan with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide doesn’t seem like much, it went a long way towards making my life feel less unbalanced.

…for my little sister coming to stay
I took advantage of my weird weekend to move the loft from upstairs down into the spare bedroom, soon to be my little sister’s room. She’s staying with us for the summer and working at, er, a company which shall remain nameless but which I also happen to work at (wink, nod). Since I have three buildings and am only in that one two days a week and since Grace is a CNA and I’m a dietitian, I don’t imagine we’ll really see each other much at work–but it’ll be lovely to have her staying with us.

…for Scripture, Scripture, and more Scripture
I need it. I need to be steeped in it. I need for others to pour it over me, even beat me over the head with it. Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of life. So thankful for all those who point my eyes back to Christ and fill my ears with the words of Scripture.

…for running(?!?) with the girls
I signed up for a 5K, Color Me Rad in Council Bluffs. I don’t have any time to train, wasn’t (amn’t) sure that I *will* train. I might have to end up walking it. Which is fine. But Anna encouraged me to go running/walking with the girls who are planning on running the same race–and I found the mindlessness of it all (waiting for someone to signal that it was time for a running interval or a walking interval) to be rather soothing.

…for sleep
I got eight hours of sleep one night this week. I know. Amazing. Overwhelmingly so.

…for wonderful fellowship with my peeps
I’ve so missed the Bible study gals. Sitting around the fire with them (and Jon) last night was so very refreshing–even if I (yet again) stayed too late and robbed myself of sleep.

…for a scale by the copy machine
I don’t weigh myself often, but I stepped on the scale while waiting for the copy machine to warm up (yes, I have a weird life.) The numbers on the scale weren’t that unusual, but they did cause me to realize that I’m not taking care of my body as I should. I’ve known that for awhile, but I haven’t had the energy or will to do anything about it (how can I, I thought, as busy as I am right now?) That little bit was somehow enough to focus my mind and make me brainstorm for little changes to make to take care of this body I’ve been given (maybe like, eating breakfast and going to sleep at night?)

…for peacocks, a peahen and hymns
It was not a good day at work today. I was gearing up for a major headache on my drive home, jaw clenched with the stress of the day, frustrated and running my frustrations over and over inside–when a flash of bright blue off the side of the road made me think I was hallucinating. I looked again and found two peacocks, strutting along in the ditch, along with one peahen. Of course, I grabbed my notebook to record the incident as something to be thankful for–which reminded me that, even in days like these, I can give God praise–which prompted me to open the hymnal that I just happened to have in the car, to turn off the music that was playing, and to sing hymns for the duration of my drive home.

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well
with my soul
It is well, it is well
with my soul”

Ignore or enjoy at will.

It took a while for me to find my feet with the Route 66 study I went through with my 2nd and 3rd graders this year.

I started out following along with the curriculum rather closely–and trying to adapt the “small group” method the woman who was going to be my co-teacher had suggested.

The small group method could have been a good one, I think–but not for the group I had (which included both pre-readers and quite good readers) and not for my personal giftings. If we’d have ended up teaching together, it might have been a whole ‘nother story–but she was called to another class that had no teacher and I was on my own with a helper I didn’t yet know. It was a whole different ballgame than we’d originally anticipate.

Now let me make clear–I am a teacher. I love to teach. I love to teach the Word especially.

I understand the importance of activities and interaction and the like, but I am a teacher–and that format wasn’t allowing me to operate in my giftings.

Nevertheless, I tried.

For Genesis, we split into two groups. One read and discussed creation. One read and discussed Abraham. Then we joined together and each group “reported” their story to the other.

I intended to try again with Exodus–but the mood of the classroom made me change my mind mid-course. We ended up discussing Moses’ “escape” from Pharoah’s deadly rule and Israel’s “escape” from slavery together. We focused on how God is the deliverer.

By Leviticus I’d scrapped the small group idea entirely, but was still trying to follow the “Fuel Up” worksheets found in the curriculum. I struggled with this book, because it’s one of my favorite books of the Bible and because I wasn’t sure if I could articulate the book in a way the kids would understand.

On Wednesday before the week I was to teach Leviticus, I wrote on Facebook: “How do you teach Leviticus to 2nd and 3rd graders? Me, I’ll be talking about a God who’s holy, a law that we can’t keep, and a temporary sacrificial system that points the way to a permanent solution.”

That was the plan.

Then I got to actually writing the lesson–and I freaked out. I wrote on Facebook again: “I’m kinda (really) nervous about Sunday School tomorrow. This could be the most theologically important lesson of the entire year–understanding the holiness of God, the inadequacy of works to make us holy, and the substitute Lamb who took our sins and gave us His holiness. Please pray that I would speak clearly and that the children’s hearts would open to hear and understand.”

Many faithful people prayed. God was gracious in providing an illustration. I think it sunk in.

A glass of distilled water represented God’s holiness–His complete separateness from anything dirty or wrong.

We talked about what would happen if we mixed dirty water in with the clean–how the water wouldn’t be holy any more.

We talked about how God is holy, separate from sin. We talked about how only holy people can spend time with God.

A glass of muddy water represented us–unholy, born as sinners and adding sin upon sin to our inheritance.

We talked again of how the dirty water can’t mix with the clean. If we are to spend time with God, we must be holy. We talked about what happens when unholy things go into the presence of God–how God’s anger burns against them and destroys them.

But how can we be made holy, we asked. We looked at some of the rules in Leviticus that describe what holiness, separateness looks like. We talked about how no one could follow those rules. We talked about how even following those rules couldn’t make us holy.

We poured our muddy water through a panty-hose filter–and ended up with still-dirty water.

We talked about how God knew from the beginning that the rules He gave the people wouldn’t make them holy. That’s why He set up the system of sacrifices.

We read how God had the people confess their sins over an animal’s head, transferring their sins to the animal and the animal’s cleanness to the people. We traded in our glass of dirty water for a clean glass.

We questioned whether the sacrificed animal could actually get rid of man’s sins.

We likened the sacrifices to a movie trailer, giving us a sneak preview of the show that would be coming up–where Jesus would take our sins, bearing their punishment, and give us His righteousness.

At last, humans born unholy could spend time with a Holy God.

That lesson was pure grace, the children who had been so unruly those first two weeks listening intently as we grappled with works righteousness and substitutionary atonement.

I was completely in awe.

Review to continue…

We *adored* Christy–reading each of those books over and over and over again. We were in love with Todd. We hated Rick. We cracked up over dead hamsters. We started shoebox P.O. Boxes for our future husbands.

And then we reached our teens–and skipped the teen spin-offs to jump directly into Gunn’s adult “Glenbrook” series.

Of course, I’d “met” Sierra Jensen with Christy when she went to Europe in A Promise is Forever–but I’d never actually read any of Sierra’s story until Waterbrook Multnomah offered a free Kindle edition of The Sierra Jensen Collection, Volume 1 containing Only You, Sierra, In Your Dreams and Don’t You Wish.

Only You, Sierra started out in familiar territory–Carnforth Hall in England, during the missions trip Sierra, Christy, Katie, Tracy, and Doug had ended up on together.

Sierra flies home from England–but home isn’t the same place she left. While she was on her trip, her family had moved in with their Granna Mae in Portland. Granna Mae has good days and bad days with her dementia–and Sierra’s family is there to help.

Even though the move had been planned in advance, Sierra finds herself struggling to catch up to her family, who has already settled in–and struggling to find her place in Portland, where her uniqueness isn’t quite so unique.

I devoured Only You, Sierra, reading it in two nights. It’s definitely Robin Jones Gunn, but it’s more realistic than Christy’s drama-filled existence. Unlike Christy, Sierra has no fairy-godmother-like rich aunt ready to introduce her into the high-life. Instead, Sierra has an older sister who she shares a room with, two little brothers, a loving but confused Granna Mae, two parents, and a crush she barely knows. As I said, much more realistic (at least, from my perspective.)

When I finished Only You, Sierra, I was gravely disappointed to find that I couldn’t access the second and third books on my Kindle edition. I realize that my copy was an ARC–and therefore may not be reflective of the final copy–but I worry that fellow Kindle Readers would find themselves getting only one book when they’re promised (and itching for) three.

I’m thinking these books would appeal most to the sort of reader I was when I first started reading the Christy Miller books–in my early adolescence. While I read those when I was ten or so, my guess is that these will probably appeal to the 12-14 crowd best.

For those worried that familiarity with the Christy Miller series is necessary for understanding these books, I think you’ll find that isn’t the case. I’ve framed my review around my childhood memories of Christy–but she certainly isn’t necessary for reading or enjoying the Sierra Jensen series.

Rifling through the pages, I found a quote that I certainly needed:

“Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God’s Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God’s Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.”
~Robert S. McGee

God’s Word is truth. Reality. Life.

May I understand and live by it–and, in doing so, be conformed to the image of Christ.

I’ve evened out quite a bit in the past dozen or so years. By the grace of God, I’ve grown more responsive to His Spirit–and less inclined to follow my emotions.

But stress and sleep deprivation have a way of increasing my emotional sensitivity. Which means that I’m currently just one drop away from overflowing.

So I hear something disappointing that I would normally brush off? Now I’m close to tears. I hear good news and I’m through the roof. I stop to think and I’m in the depths of melancholy.

The difference between my 27-year-old-swings and my 15-year-old-swings is that my teenage melancholy had plenty of time to produce poetry and self-reflective writing–whereas my 27-year-old self barely has time to eat, much less write poetry.

Nevertheless, I rifled through my notebook today and found one little bit from the past five months that might be considered poetry (actually, it’s just writing in verse, not poetry at all).

My brother is getting married tomorrow
I had a tough day at work
I am single
Other women don’t have to work

I am tempted to look at this life
and feel sorry for myself
Poor me, without anyone
With only a job that drives me nuts
Poor me. Sad me. Woe is me.

The snake sinks its fangs into my flesh
Its poison courses through my veins
Poor me. Sad me. Woe is me.

And the prophet cries out:
“Lift up your eyes,
Behold the curse.”

Shuddering, I lift my eyes
to the snake on a pole
a Man who waited longer than I
who died single and still waits for His bride
A Man who had a task no one could covet.
The Cursed Snake upon a tree

I gaze on Him, the poison drains
My suffering’s small
compared to His
My suffering worthwhile
so long as I am His.

Since the day I wrote those words, my work has only intensified. My loneliness has only increased. It’s not just that I’m single, it’s that I’m alone. I feel isolated from family, friends, coworkers. I’m in a struggle none of them can grasp and I don’t have time or energy to be or have “fun”. I spend time with people, but it’s rarely heart-nourishing time. Sometimes I wonder if I have a heart to be nourished anymore, or if I’ve dumped it all into my work.

The feelings that inspired my melancholy words have only grown–the poison entering my heart so it can be pumped through my veins.

Do I really dare open my heart to you? I’m not sure. I wouldn’t want to poison you too.

So I cover my pain with smiles and the assurance that someday this will end. Maybe in six months, a year? Then I can be again.

Working to keep the pot from boiling over, working to keep you from seeing the emotion roiling beneath the surface.

Now I’ve let you see.

Please, please…point me to Jesus. ‘Cause when I get stressed and sleep-deprived, I have a hard time pointing myself.

Every morning, I delete those messages unread.

Perhaps I’m an odd duck among eHarmony subscribers, but I don’t initiate contact with guys.

Why not?

‘Cause I’m there to be found, not to find. I’m interested in marriage–and I’m a complementarian.

So I ignore those messages unless I get the one saying “So-and-so wants to get to know you.”

Then I’ll log in and communicate with the ones who want to get to know me.

Except that sometimes, when I get bored, I’ll read through the matches who haven’t contacted me, archiving the unsuitable ones.

After all, I reason, I’m doing those guys a favor–decreasing how many matches they have to sort through.

So…what does it mean if you’ve been archived?

1. Your profile does not evidence that Christ is the center of your life.
   The one thing you are most passionate about should be Christ. Always. It’s wonderful that you love your family or your job or hard work or sports (okay, maybe I have a harder time with that last one). But you should be most passionate about Christ. If you aren’t, you aren’t for me.
2. You don’t want kids
   I want kids. You don’t. I don’t know why you don’t want kids but I do know that I could never marry a man who didn’t want kids. Why lead you on?

There you go. That’s why I archive.

Short list, huh?

I keep it that way on purpose.

A profile is a tiny snapshot of someone’s life. There’s no way that I can know enough (apart from the above) from the few questions on an eHarmony profile to give a definitive yes or no to a guy.

Which means that I ignore bad grammar (or at least try to) and give the guy a chance. After all, I know people who have terrible grammar who are nonetheless wonderful people.

I ignore a silly choice for the last book you read and enjoyed. Truth be told, I know some very intelligent, well-informed people who aren’t big readers. And that’s okay. I’m not going to nix you on the basis of that.

I ignore mentions of video games and sports (even though I’m not much of a fan of either). So I’m not a fan. That doesn’t mean that my boyfriend or husband couldn’t be (well…honestly, this one’s hard for me. I’d have to see what being a fan of sports and/or video games looked like in order to determine that would be okay.)

The point is, there’s a lot I DON’T know based on the eHarmony profile. Which means I’m not going to be picky about getting to know guys initially.

Turns out, the more I experience in life, the more I agree with that one guy in that one book our college/career women’s Bible Study read last summer.

The most important area of compatibility is Christ.

29 Dimensions may increase the odds that your “matches” will be compatible in that one area–but really, it’s that one area that counts.

Otherwise, you’ll be archived.

(In the course of writing this post, I discovered one more automatic archive item. If your favorite author/preacher is Joel Osteen, you’re going to be archived. No ifs, ands, or buts.)