It seems I write in fits and bursts, just like I live the rest of my life.<\/p>\n
I have a fit of kitchen zeal and my dishes get (almost) caught up, four dozen Runzas are packed away in the freezer, the load of cookie dough Daniel bought from a child is baked, and the fridge abounds with homemade yogurt. Above the fridge, an old Tupperware is full of homemade granola and two Pyrex with roasted chickpea snacks.<\/p>\n
A fit of reading (on a trip, usually) has me writing reviews and book notes.<\/p>\n
A fit of exercising means I walk to Braums for milk, to a friend’s house to drop off my husband for breakfast (yes, totally unnecessary, since he could have walked or driven himself–but still), to the library to drop off a book and get some more.<\/p>\n
And then come the bursts.<\/p>\n
I collapse on the couch after work, crying until my husband orders me into the bathtub to relax. <\/p>\n
I burst into tears unprovoked and stare unseeingly at the wall, unable to contain my emotion.<\/p>\n
I start the day crying and thank God that I have some time charting between clients because I need the moments for more fits of crying.<\/p>\n
I just start to feel that things are getting better–that I’m making friends and finding my place. I just start to feel that I’m establishing routines and doing okay. I just start to feel that I’ve figured out how to be a wife and a woman at the same time.<\/p>\n
And then the bubble bursts and I’m back in a fit.<\/p>\n
I cry and cry. <\/p>\n
I can’t see outside the moment, outside the days, the weeks of difficulty.<\/p>\n
When does it get easy? I wonder. Will it ever?<\/p>\n
When will I get out from under the cloud I’m living in? When will I gain perspective? When will I cease to be at the whim of these fits and bursts?<\/p>\n
I despair. <\/p>\n
I think I need help. <\/p>\n
I tell myself that help is more trouble than it’s worth. <\/p>\n
I don’t want to spend money for help. I want to pay down our debt so we can have a baby.<\/p>\n
I want to help myself. I check out books from the library. Books on sleeping better, on overcoming depression, on managing the TMD related headaches. I don’t read them because the burst of energy to complete them never comes.<\/p>\n
Daniel wants to help me, asks how he can help–but I don’t know how. I wish I did. I wish I knew what caused these fits, these crying jags, this persistent, lingering melancholy. We work our way through what we know, but we know so little.<\/p>\n
What am I to do when the thunderstorm breaks and I find myself bawling in my office, unable to see any way out?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It seems I write in fits and bursts, just like I live the rest of my life. I have a fit of kitchen zeal and my dishes get (almost) caught up, four dozen Runzas are packed away in the freezer, the load of cookie dough Daniel bought from a child is baked, and the fridge … Read more Fits and Bursts<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11931"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11931"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11931\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11933,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11931\/revisions\/11933"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11931"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11931"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/bekahcubed.menterz.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11931"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}