Apparently my clothing is an issue for certain women in our congregation. Unfortunately, they don’t tell me themselves, so I can’t really correct the situation.
I thought it somewhat unusual, but didn’t think much on it when the first words out of her mouth when I opened the door were “Oh, you’re still wearing that dress.” The comment registered as odd–I almost never change out of my church clothes on Sunday–but since I sometimes don’t know what to make of her, I just smiled.
Then as I was hustling everyone out the door so I could get to my study session, I commented that I was a bit overdressed for a study group. Mom concurred and asked some of the other ladies if they’d wear my dress to a study group. When she got to the one woman, she said “Of course, you wouldn’t wear that dress for anything.”
The lightbulb clicked on. Apparently, she had a problem with my dress. And apparently she vented it to my mom (and probably my dad and all my siblings, as well as her own children) on the way home from church.
Unfortunately, the one person she failed to talk to about it was me. So I have no idea what she found objectionable about my outfit and whether her complaint was valid. Since she still has a hard time putting off her scarves, I don’t have any guarantee that she isn’t just reacting out of the Islamic culture she’s still coming out of. But I don’t know for sure because she didn’t talk to me about it.
Was it that the dress was sleeveless? Or maybe the back was too low for her taste. Maybe she didn’t like that it was knee length. Maybe she doesn’t like the fact that I have curves, and nothing short of wearing a bag (which she does but I’m certainly not inclined to) could conceal them. Maybe she doesn’t like the color red. Or maybe it was a really legitimate complaint. Maybe you could see straight through the skirt because I wasn’t wearing a slip with it. Maybe my bra straps were showing in the back and it looked awful. But I don’t know if it was any of those things–or something else entirely–because she didn’t talk to me about it.
I’ve had this happen before, where someone complained to my mom about my clothing. Mom mentioned it to me later. That “correction” was hard to submit to because I was so hurt that this woman, with whom I have a fairly good relationship, would go to my mom instead of me with a complaint about my clothing. At least I know that she spoke to Mom about it privately.
This time, I’m not sure what to do. Do I ask Mom to clarify? Do I ignore the criticism since she didn’t come to me about it? Do I ask my brothers about what they heard? Or maybe I should ask my Dad. Do I seek to deal with whatever she had a problem with in the name of “not putting a stumbling block in a sister’s way”? Or should I even bother trying not to offend someone who’s gossipping about my clothes to my family behind my back?
Please, if you ever have an issue with my clothes–or anything else concerning me–come to ME. I can’t promise that I’ll immediately agree with what you say, that my pride won’t rise up and make me try to defend myself. But I can promise you that I’ll consider your correction, and pray about it, and attempt to work on it. I did when a sister mentioned her concerns about my inattentiveness while driving. I did when a brother pointed out that I was filling my plate too full. I want to grow, I want to receive rebuke. Just please, talk to ME.
On 09.29.08 – 10:13 pm
Mom said:
Put your mind at ease, Rebekah. She didn’t say anything at all about your dress. I just know the problems she has with finding what she thinks SHE should wear, and knew your dress was too bright, too shapely, and, because it wasn’t ankle length, too short for her to wear. She did say she’d wear it in private, though. Did you hear that part? So maybe you were just being overly sensitive, and misinterpreted the comment. Actually, she rarely talks to me about other people. Gossip is not one of her vices.
On 09.29.08 – 10:35 pm
bekahcubed said:
Thanks for clarifying, Mom. I guess maybe I was being overly sensitive. The “You’re still wearing THAT dress” the moment she walked in the door must have thrown me off balance. I’m glad that my guess was incorrect.
Nonetheless, both of us definitely know of other times when people have come to you or to someone else to discuss their issues with me–and I’d really rather they not. Seems to me if they’d just come to me about things, maybe I wouldn’t be worrying so much about what I might have done wrong when I hear comments like the one the other day.
On 10.02.08 – 7:19 am
Becky@ BoysRuleMyLife said:
First of all, I just want you to know that I am deleting you off my Bloglines Reader – you’re not showing up at all, so I’m switching to Google reader. :-)
Secondly, just wanted you to know that I LOVED your play on words with Witt’s name! That was perfect! :-)
Thirdly, so sorry you are dealing with this. From reading your mom’s comments, I hope that it’s just a little bit of a misunderstanding. No matter what her reason for disliking your dress, you are absolutely right in that she should have come to you, not just come to you first, but come to you only. There is no need to gossip and it is so hard when being the one gossiped about. Even if it wasn’t her intention to gossip.
I obviously don’t have any advice, but just wanted you to know that I think you are doing a great job in wanting to grow and being willing to receive rebuke. Many people aren’t willing.
Again, a very nice post. I love reading your blog, you write things out so well!