Chasing After My Wild-Man Lover

February 8th, 2010

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Yesterday, I told you about willing to give God my husband.

Fast forward two years. I’m now in a Bible program that has a no-dating policy. But I’m talking with this guy online. Talking with him a lot. Like hours and hours every day.

And God got jealous. I experienced His pursuit especially during times of worship when I sang songs like “All I want is to know You, Jesus” and “And I…I’m desperate for You.”

“Really?” God would question. “Do you really want Me? Are you really desperate for Me? Do you love Me more than him?” He started convicting me about my response to Him versus my response to this guy. “Why don’t you spend hours talking to Me like you spend hours talking to him? Why don’t you read My letters over and over again like you read his?”

So when my parents approached me about my relationship with this guy, I wasn’t surprised. And when they told me they didn’t want me chatting online with him, I knew I needed to obey.

But that didn’t mean that this experience hadn’t reawakened all sorts of desires within me. I enjoyed the companionship, the camaraderie, the emotional intimacy with this guy.

Add to this that I was making college plans, organizing my life, dreaming my dreams for the future.

It was in the midst of this time of reevaluation that I went on a retreat with the others in my Bible program. We took one afternoon as a personal time with God–and I took off into the woods for my quiet time.

I was discussing all the plans and desires of my heart with God, and whining a bit over the unpredictability of things. Then God spoke directly to my heart. “You have tame dreams.” He told me. “Tame dreams of a husband and children and trips to Europe and a nice little house.” And then He started revealing Himself to me. He told me that He’s not a tame God–and that His dreams aren’t tame dreams. Isaiah 55:8–”‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are our ways My ways,’ says the Lord.”

I had been dreaming my little dreams, building fantasy castles in the sky–but God was inviting me to become a part of His great dreams. My heart had become intent again on pursuing my tame dreams, the familiar, the comfortable.

And now God was inviting me into something different.

A tree branch curved down, forming a door that reminded me of Aslan’s door in Prince Caspian.

“At one end of the glade Aslan had caused to be set up two stakes of wood, higher than a man’s head and about three feet apart. A third, and lighter, piece of wood was bound across them at the top, uniting them, so the whole thing looked like a doorway from nowhere into nowhere….Everyone’s eyes were fixed on [the Telmarine]. They saw the three pieces of wood, and through them the trees and grass of Narnia. They saw the man between the doorposts: then, in one second, he had vanished utterly…”

When the Telmarine stepped through that door, he disappeared from the land of Narnia and entered into the world of Earth–a completely different world, for a completely different life.

I felt the Word of the Lord drawing me. Drawing me to a different life. On this side of the door lay my comfortable dreams–a nice tame husband, nice tame children, a nice tame home, and an uneventful life. Through the door, there was only the unknown, the wild.

The God who had jealously pursued me while I chased after my own desires now invited me into the wild, to chase after Him. The wild was not comfortable, it was far from tame. The little glimpse I saw scared me half to death.

But through the door, a wild-man beckoned. A wild-man who loved me and had pursued me. Now He begged me to join with Him in the wild.

I looked at my comfortable dreams. I looked through the door into the wild. I saw the face of my Wild-Man Lover, and I stepped through the door.

I chose to chase after my wild-man Lover.

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The Journey to Contentment

February 7th, 2010

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For most of us, contentment in singleness doesn’t come in one fell swoop. It’s a journey, a battle, a day to day (or at least week to week or year to year) struggle.

My journey towards contentment in singleness began the summer before my junior year of high school. Marriage was on my mind–and had been for years–but this year, I was pursuing it with unparalleled abandon. No, I wasn’t tossing myself recklessly into the world of dating. By then, I’d officially(?) “kissed dating goodbye” (a sentiment I’ve since rethought a bit, more on that later.) No, instead, I was eagerly preparing myself for the life of a homemaker, taking over the family menu planning and gardening, trying to acquire as much “wifely” knowledge and skill as I could, determined to be ready as soon as God gave the okay.

My sister went to China that year, and when Mom and Dad and I picked her up at the airport, she started telling us about what God had done in her heart there. She told of how God had asked her if she’d be willing to give up her lifelong dream of being a missionary in Africa to serve the children of China. And as Anna told her story, I heard God’s voice–there in the back of my parents’ station wagon. “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

I knew it was Him, there could be no doubt–and in a knee-jerk reaction, I answered Him: “Sure, You can have my husband–as long as You don’t take him.”

You see, I’d read the stories–all those amazing stories of women who’d learned contentment in singleness only to have God “surprise” them with a spouse. That I could take.

But that wasn’t what God was asking. He asked me again. “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

I wrestled with God’s question for months. I begged Him to rescind the question. I tried to bargain with Him. He would have none of it. He only repeated His question: “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

And, after months of wrestling, I made my decision. I didn’t want to give God my husband, but I chose to do it.

I willed to give God my husband.

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Recap (Jan 31-Feb 6)

February 6th, 2010

I’ve been uber-busy this week, so I haven’t had much time to do my normal blog reading and internet surfing. As a result, my recap is pretty slim.

I wrote that before I caught up on my blog-reading over the weekend. So there are now plenty of links to the wide web–but still only a few changes made to bekahcubed itself.

On bekahcubed

  • Now offering comments on photo albums! Plus three new photo albums

On the web

Laugh out loud funnies:

  • Stuff Christian’s Like on “the scared straight marriage speech” (Don’t worry, I’ll be giving one of those, or having someone give one of those towards the end of the month–possibly with a book review of Sacred Marriage accompanying.)
  • What would you do if a snake started talking to you?

Books for the TBR list:

News to take note of:

  • Airlines pad their flight times to up their “on time” stats. We just discussed this in our statistics class. Weird.

Thought-provoking posts:

Enjoyable videos:

  • I got nothing

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Assurance and Trust

February 6th, 2010

It’s amazing how you can read something or sing something a hundred times, but it can continue to have new meaning each and every time.

A little over a month ago, I was overwhelmed by the task that seemed to be looming before me, fearful for what the future might bring. And when I sat down to sing some old hymns, the fifth verse of “Trust and Obey” struck me.

Then in fellowship sweet,
we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way
What He says we will do
Where He sends we will go
Never fear, only trust and obey.

He relieved my fears and gave me grace to trust Him for that particular path.

Now He has blocked the way along that particular path.

And new verses comfort my soul.

Not a burden we bear
Not a sorrow we share
But our toil He doth richly repay
Not a grief nor a loss
Not a frown nor a cross
But is blest if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove
the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay
For the favor He shows
and the joy He bestows
Are for them who will trust and obey.

I don’t want to lay my heart, my desire on the altar. It truly is a sorrow, a grief, a loss. But if, in giving this up, I can somehow prove the delights of His love, then surely my loss is not in vain. I will choose, despite the pain, to trust and obey.

Today, I moved from “Trust and Obey” to the nearby songs, categorized under the heading “Assurance and Trust”.

And God ministered to my broken soul through the words of “Be Still, My Soul.”

Be still, my soul!
The Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In every change, He faithful will remain
Be still my soul
Thy best, thy heavenly friend
Thro thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

God IS for me (Romans 8:31). He is faithful (I Thessalonians 5:24). He will work all things (even my pain) together for good (Romans 8:28). I can be still. I can trust Him–in every change.

Be still, my soul
thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still my soul
The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

God does not change (Hebrews 13:8). He was sovereign yesterday, and He is still sovereign today. Even though I don’t understand why, He does. And the circumstances are still under His power.

So be still, be still my soul. Rest in the arms of your Creator, your Pursuer, your Lover. Amidst the sorrow of this world, take delight in His unfailing grace. Find rest in Him alone.

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Embracing the “Gift”

February 6th, 2010

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“Yay…just what I always wanted,” you think sarcastically as you inventory this year’s Christmas gifts. Textbooks from your parents. A completely-not-your-style sweater from your sister. Deodorant from your obnoxious little brother. And another year of singleness. “Thanks, God, but I was really hoping for a ring this year. Didn’t I tell you that’s what I wanted LAST year?”

If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. I’ve been there many a year. It’s been more than one year that I’ve made my list on December 31–plenty enough time for God to arrange for me to get me the item that tops the list. A husband. That’s what I want for Christmas. And I’m giving you twelve months to find one. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Especially not for God.

But then Christmas rolls around and I unwrap my gifts, and self-pity hits when I realize that once again, God’s chosen to give me…singleness.

Singleness? Are you serious? Yep, He’s serious. HE seems to really think a lot of it, even if I didn’t.

I’ve been a reluctant recipient of the gift of singleness for many a year, but by God’s grace, He’s helped me to begin to embrace this thing that He calls a “gift” but that I’m all too wont to call a “burden”.

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Accepting the proposal

February 5th, 2010

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I wrote a half-dozen “Love Month” posts before I figured out in my head how exactly I wanted to lay out this whole “Love Month” deal.

And I’m sure some of you are thinking “What the–”

It’s not the standard way to begin a discussion of love and dating and “relationships”.

But I am convinced that it’s the only way to do love, dating, and relationships right. We can’t understand love unless we know the love of God (“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” I John 3:16) We can’t find a mate without the express favor of the Lord (“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22) And we certainly can’t figure out how to be married properly without knowing Christ’s love for His bride (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…” Ephesians 5:25)

I’ve begun the discussion of relationships with a discussion of the most important love relationship in ANY person’s life, whether single, married, or (as my mom put it in a comment a few days back) “somewhere in between”. Unless we are actively participating in THAT relationship, all of our other (human) relationships are merely play-acting, like little girls dressing up in high heels and pretending to be married, haranguing their imaginary husbands on the phone.

Beginning tomorrow, we’re going to shift gears a bit–but I don’t want us to shift focus. All of what we speak about in the upcoming month–in fact, all that we speak about for the rest of our lives–should be placed into perspective by placing it into the context of Christ and His great love for us.

Because this concept–no, not a concept. Because this relationship is so vital to our understanding of the next several weeks’ discussion, I want to make sure that you have an opportunity to become a part of this relationship.

The Bible makes it plain that all of us were born into slavery to sin.

“All we like sheep have gone astray;
We have turned, every one, to his own way;”
Isaiah 53:6

“…they are all under sin.”
Romans 3:9

As slaves to sin, we deserved only death.

“For the wages of sin is death…”
Romans 6:23

We were cut off from relationship with God.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God.”
Isaiah 59:2

In fact, we were practicing open rebellion against God.

“Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.”
Romans 8:7

Yet God loved us nonetheless and pursued a love relationship with us. He pursued us even to the point of laying down His life for us, dying in our place.

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8

Having taken the punishment for our sins, He now offers us freedom from bondage to sin–and an invitation into a love relationship with Him. He has done all the work, has presented His proposal. We have only to accept His gift and enter into the love relationship with Him.

Will you accept His proposal?

Maybe you’ve already believed in Jesus Christ for salvation, but that’s as far as you’ve gone. You’ve seen salvation as “fire insurance”, but haven’t truly entered into a love relationship with Christ. He still desires that relationship–He paid the price for that relationship.

Will you accept His proposal?

I urge you to spend some time with God, tell Him that you accept His proposal. Enter into that relationship.

That relationship will change your life.

It has certainly changed mine.

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Beloved

February 4th, 2010

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My friend (and roommate) Casandra, mentioned the Tenth Avenue North song “Beloved” in reference to my last Love Month post. I’d never heard it before, so I looked it up on YouTube–and discovered that it is indeed pretty sweet (and applicable).

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Today (in rhyme and meter, of a sort)

February 4th, 2010

The snow on my head
melts
and runs to my eyelid
It dissolves
my mascara
which drips into my eye
I cry

Once upon a time,
while snow came down
in a flurry,
a girl went out
in a hurry.
The ground was slick
and her glasses
were blurry.
Twice, she slipped.
But not to worry–
She fell into
a soft mud slurry.

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Thankful Thursday: Pain is good

February 4th, 2010

Pain is good because it reminds me that I’m still alive.

I’m thankful for dirty glasses. It’s only on the outside, not the inside. My eyesight isn’t gone (yet).

I’m thankful for crying eyes. Cutting onions, repelling foreign objects, thinking of something sad. All of these evoke my tears. Check, check, check. Everything’s working properly.

I’m thankful for frozen toes from walking through puddles of ice water. Some of my diabetic patients last year couldn’t have felt the cold in their feet. Now they can’t walk either.

I’m thankful for the aching heart. It tells me that my heart is still soft. Many harden their hearts, stubbornly hiding from pain. Mine says that it is still tender.

But I have this treasure in an earthen vessel, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of me. I am hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; I am perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in my body. (II Corinthians 4:7-10)

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The Errant Bride

February 4th, 2010

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The New Testament picture of Christ’s pursuit of the church seems tame perhaps (except for the heart wrenching climax where Christ lays down His life for the bride and then rises again to betroth Himself to her–okay, so maybe it isn’t so tame after all!)

But the Old Testament gives us another example of God as husband, as lover, as pursuer–this time, of Israel, who happens to be an errant bride. While the New Testament story focuses on Christ’s courtship of the church, the Old Testament story tells us more about the bride, the bride who continually turns her back on her husband to pursue other lovers.

Let’s hear the story as told by God through Ezekiel’s mouth. Israel was an abandoned daughter, born and left to die in an open field, with the umbilical cord uncut, struggling in her blood. God took pity on the foundling daughter and spoke life into her, and cared for her through her growing up years. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine.” (Ezekiel 16:8) God married Israel, washed her, anointed her with oil, clothed her with the best, fed her with the best–and she became renowned as the beautiful bride of the great King.

Yet this bride let her beauty go to her head, and began to accept the advances of the men who wooed her. She slept with all and sundry, giving to her lovers the beauty and the clothing and the food that her husband had given her. She even took her children, God’s children, and sacrificed them to her lovers.

No longer satisfied with the men who came to gaze upon her, she now went out actively, pursuing new lovers. A brazen harlot already, she sunk to new depths, paying men to have sex with her.

And God was angry with a holy anger. His rage burned against His wife who had played the harlot with many men. In His anger and His jealousy, He brought judgment upon her.

But yet, even then, His love for His errant bride is unabated. He calls their marriage covenant to mind and reestablishes the covenant again. He provides atonement for her sins.

Hosea tells the same story, but with added detail. Israel, the harlot, has gone after her many lovers–and each time she strays, God pursues her to bring her back.

She claims that her lovers are the source of her food and clothing and goods–even though it is her husband, God Himself, who has provided all these things. So God strips her of them all. He takes away His provision, He frustrates her goals, He dogs her every step. And when she is at the end of herself, come to nothing because of her wickedness, then God says, “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her….And it shall be, in that day…that you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer call Me ‘My Master.’” (Hosea 2:14,16)

She returns to her husband for a time–but soon she is back to turning tricks. And again her husband pursues her, tracks her down, even buying her back from the slavery she has sold herself into in her quest to satiate her lust.

Ever the errant bride, she returns again and again to her lovers–but her Husband, ever faithful, pursues her again.

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