I don’t recall the transition from homeschool to high school as being particularly hard. Neither do I remember the transition from high school to college as being difficult. Different, sure. Difficult, not so much. I knew all about the differences; I expected the differences; I dealt with the differences.
Undergrad to grad school, though? The distinctions were never that well determined in my mind. I guess I thought grad school would be like undergrad work–only more advanced. After all, I’m at the same school, in the same department, in the same building even. I’m taking classes with many of the same professors, spending time with many of the same classmates. How different can it really be?
Shows how much I knew.
I received an e-mail from my seminar instructor a week before classes started. She was letting all her students know what our seminar theme would be so we could start working on seminar. Start working on seminar? You mean, before classes start? Before I even know what exactly seminar means? Yes siree. That’s what it means.
Another professor gives us an assignment to interview three faculty members about their research. She kindly gives us a WHOLE WEEK to complete these interviews–since we have a three day weekend and some faculty leave for the weekend. This way the University will be open for three days during which we can do our interviews.
My adviser keeps talking about me doing a project. Unfortunately, she hasn’t said much about what that looks like. She’s mentioned several possibilities. I’m interested in two of them–either studying food knowledge or working on some kind of online modules for her Scientific Aspects of Food and Nutrition class. But what does she want me to do? And when? She hasn’t shared that part yet.
We interns had a meeting before classes started. I learned that I would be doing a bit more than just classwork this semester. For example, we are required to finish four WIC modules before we begin rotations in January. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? But the one module Dr. K printed off for us is a good fifty pages long.
I am a planner, an analyst, a programmer. I like to assess the situation, develop a workable plan for dealing with it, and implement my plan. Ambiguity is not something I’m very comfortable with. But, like it or not, grad school involves a degree of ambiguity. I’m going to have to define my own program, my own role as a student. I’m going to have to deal with the unexpected.
I’m going to have to learn to keep going–even when I chose the wrong textbooks to start reading in advance and the wrong projects to get a head start on. I’m going to have to learn to calm down my expectations elsewhere when I am suddenly presented with a four hour module that needs to be done online–this week. I’m going to have to relax, take things as they come, trust God.
Trust God. That’s ultimately what it comes to. When life isn’t what I expected. When I’m a twenty-three year old single woman working in food service and pursuing a master’s degree. When I’m hungry and crabby because I haven’t been able to eat anything but BRATTY (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast, tea, and yogurt) since I came back from Mexico (without getting sick, that is). When life erodes my facade of control, I must learn to trust God.
Lord, I’m in over my head and my flailing is only making me sink more quickly. Help me. I need you. Help me learn to trust You.