It’s all well and right to encourage men to be masculine and women to be feminine. But what exactly does that mean?
Does masculinity mean that men should all hunt and own big trucks and not wear deodorant (a la Matthew McConaughey)? Does femininity mean that women should all bake cupcakes and quilt and wear skirts? Sure, these are things that we might associate with masculinity or femininity. But these do not define our masculinity or femininity.
So what does define masculinity or femininity? What should define masculinity and femininity?
Feminine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to women”. Masculine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to men”. So what we are looking for when we refer to masculinity or femininity is characteristics that are appropriate for and/or unique to either men or women.
Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant appropriate for men? We probably all have our own opinions about those. Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant unique to men? Definitely not. Are baking cupcakes, quilting, and wearing skirts appropriate for women? I doubt many would disagree. But are those activities unique to women? No. Not at all.
So then, how are we to understand the ideas of masculinity and femininity?
We must look to the One who made us, who made men and women unique from one another. We must look to the One whose nature determines what is appropriate or inappropriate.
And, as I mentioned yesterday, He has created men and women to fulfill different roles. He has created men to fulfill the roles “leader” and “servant”, and women to fulfill the roles “helper” and “lover” (or “nurturer”). So, then, we can judge individual actions by how they help us to fulfill the roles that God has set as appropriate and unique to man or to woman.
Inasmuch as shooting a gun or owning a big truck enables a man to lead and serve, it is masculine. Inasmuch as baking cupcakes or quilting enables a woman to help and nurture, it is feminine. But a man can shoot a gun and own a big truck and still not be masculine. A woman can wear skirts and cook all day long and still not be feminine. True masculinity is found in fulfilling the role God has given men. True feminity is found in fulfilling the role God has given women.
This demands that we broaden and deepen our understanding of femininity and masculinity. Because ultimately, femininity and masculinity are not about externals–what we wear or do–but about internals–why and how we do what we do.
Masculinity in practice
Masculinity is defined by the roles God has given men, namely leader and servant.
In the role of leader, masculinity means taking initiative. It means determining where you’re going and taking initiative to move in that direction. Masculine men seek God and desire to glorify Him–and they take steps to lead those around them in the same direction. This means they’ll direct conversation towards God-honoring topics, they’ll take initiative in romantic relationships (I’ll talk more about this next week), and they’ll serve others.
Because, after all, Jesus includes the “servant” role within the “leader” role:
“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:25-28
Serving means looking for what’s best for the other person. These are those things Joshua spoke about in his Code of a Gentleman.
I think we all know what I mean when I talk about a gentlemanly action or offer. This would be like getting the door or helping someone carry their things.
I think one of the biggest no-nos we can do as men is flatter. There is a fine line between a compliment and flattery and I don’t think I’ve discovered it yet. The hardest thing is to find that balance. Complementing is something we’re encouraged to do (Hebrews 10:24-25), but flattery is a swindler.
You as a gentleman are responsible for the lady’s safety, so always be alert. Again, like I said before, many can “act” like a gentleman, but being a gentleman is a continual practice. Be intentional about it, pay attention to every detail.
Masculine men choose to lead and serve the women around them by 1) pointing them to Christ, 2) protecting them, and 3) providing for their needs. This can take the form of physical gestures–Joshua mentioned opening the door for a woman, helping her carry her groceries in, watching out for dangerous situations. I can’t say how blessed I have been by the masculine men in my life who walk me home when it’s late so that I don’t have to be walking through the dark. Sometimes this service can be immensely practical–shoveling snow or pulling a lady out of a ditch. Sometimes it means talking with her mechanic to make sure she isn’t being cheated, or giving the guy who definitely ISN’T leading and serving her a talking to.
Masculinity, then, is not a set of rules, nor is it a collection of hobbies. It’s a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles you as men have been given by God.
Femininity in Practice
Just as masculinity is defined by roles, femininity is defined by the specific roles God has given women: helper and nurturer.
Don’t you just love that term helper? It places women in an interesting situation. It means that our job isn’t necessarily to set the agenda–but to assist in accomplishing it. Much of a woman’s role–and therefore her femininity is framed by her response to man’s leadership.
A feminine woman responds to man’s leadership, enabling him to fulfill the leadership role he’s been given. This means responding to his gentlemanly offers of assistance by accepting them–even if she can get the door by herself. This means taking it seriously when a brother warns you against jogging alone on a secluded bike path.
Joshua put it well when he said:
“Encourage each act that is offered by accepting as many as you can. This is where your sacrifice comes in, because I know it goes against the culture of feminine independence and appears to be an admission of need, but it is needed if you want to encourage a consistently gentlemanlike man.”
A feminine woman responds to the leadership of man by following. When he arranges something, the feminine woman participates and asks how she can help. Note that I said “help”. Too often, we females hear a guy’s idea and then take over. But a feminine woman doesn’t jump in and take over–a feminine woman offers assistance but lets the guy continue to lead (even if she thinks she could do it better!)
The nurturing role of woman is never more clearly seen than during pregnancy–when she is quite literally her child’s sustenance. But women were created to be life-givers–not just in a physical sense, but in many ways. The “feminine arts” (cooking, sewing, home crafts) are called “feminine” because they can be used to fulfill the role of woman as “nurturer”–providing food, warmth, clothing, sustenance, a sense of belonging, a sense of beauty. But these are only the tools of a feminine woman; they are not feminine in and of themselves.
Sometimes a woman can get so caught up in the craft or the project or the joy of creating that she fails to use these things to fulfill her role. In that case, these hobbies are just hobbies–not feminine at all.
On the other hand, when a woman uses these or other things to fulfill the unique roles she has been given by God, she is a truly feminine woman.
So what might nurturing look like? It means bringing comfort. It means investing in relationships. It means seeing and meeting physical needs and beyond. It means speaking words of encouragement rather than words that tear people down.
I think this (words) is one of the biggest forgotten arts of femininity. I Peter 3:4 encourages women to adorn themselves with a “gentle and quiet spirit”. This pleases God–and brings nourishment to those around us. But too often, we are strident and self-seeking. Even our “fun” has barbs. We find fault with everyone–and especially with men.
I think Joshua’s comment on how women can encourage men to be gentlemanlike is pretty insightful:
“First, don’t comment on or berate a man for not being a gentleman. If he’s really one of this fraternity of gentleman, he already knows when he doesn’t act like one and is probably beating himself up over it. It is my experience that this form of encouragement is not helpful nor constructive. For those caught in that situation, I would just give him another chance or ask him to do the gentlemanly act for you.”
When we “comment [on] or berate” a man for not fulfilling his roles, we are not fulfilling our roles as women. We are not helping him to lead and serve us. We are not nurturing his heart or soul. We’re tearing him down.
So maybe instead, we women should make it a point to a) respond to man’s leadership and service by following his guidance or accepting his service and b) encourage man’s leadership and service by pointing out his actions and complimenting him when he fulfills his roles.
Femininity is not Emily Post etiquette (just like Joshua said gentlemanliness is not about etiquette.) It’s not a set of household chores or home-making hobbies. Femininity is a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles we as women have been given by God.
Encouraging the opposite sex to fulfill their roles
A friend and I were having a discussion about–well, it started out with headcoverings and moved on to the roles of women in the church. And somehow, we got to talking about women teaching and having authority over men–and what that looks like. I’ve often heard the argument made that if men aren’t taking leadership, then the women have no choice but to lead. And I’ve rarely had a response for that except that the Bible teaches otherwise (which is sufficient, of course, but not exactly mentally satisfying). But as my friend and I were talking, it suddenly became clear to me why that argument is a fool’s argument.
Women can’t encourage men to fulfill their male roles by forsaking their own female roles. The woman who claims that she has to be a pastor because the men just won’t take leadership (fulfill their role) is proposing that the solution to men not fulfilling their roles should be women not fulfilling theirs. What a crock!
Instead, the way we can encourage others to fulfill their respective roles is to fulfill our own roles.
Men, this means continuing to lead and serve–even when others aren’t following and your every attempt to open the door for a girl meets with a rebuff. Women, this means continuing to help and to nurture–even when the task you’re helping with seems small and the opportunities for encouraging far between.
So study out what it means to be a man. Take a look at what it means to be a woman. Dig deep into the Scriptures about roles of men and women. Apprentice yourself to a masculine man or a feminine woman. Take a look at some Biblically-based resources. For general study, I recommend Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (Click on the title for a pdf file of the hefty and comprehensive volume–or borrow a paper copy from my dad!) For married or engaged men and women, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks’s Rocking the Roles is a great resource. Both married and single ladies can benefit greatly from Barbara Moser’s Five Aspects of Woman (The link leads to the publisher’s website, where, among other things, you can listen to free audio lectures from the Bible study.) And men may enjoy John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart (I wish I had a more theological/Bible study-ish book to direct men to, but, alas, my reading experience when it comes to Biblical masculinity is rather slim. So, men, help us out if you know of some better resources.)
Make it a goal to fulfill your role as a masculine man or a feminine woman.