Returning from retreats is always melancholy for me. So much has changed in a brief amount of time–Now I must see how much of that change will last.
I meet new people, develop relationships. At the end of the week or weekend or whatever, we feel as close as any two pals can be. But now we’re back. Now the context is completely different. We all have our own sets of friends; we all have our own schedules, our own worries. All those things that, set aside, enabled us to have a relationship on a retreat, are now back at full force.
Walking around campus, I spot a familiar face surrounded by a group of unfamiliar faces. Do I smile, wave, go up and say Hi? I’m nervous. This is a new context. I’m not sure what to make of it. What f I’m an embarrassment in front of their friends? What if they’re too busy to talk with me? Now that they have their own friends, their own schedules, their own lives, maybe I’m not needed anymore.
Don’t mistake my words, there are plenty of people I’ve grown close to on retreats that I’m still friends with today. Week in the Word was a prime example–anytime I see girls from there or they see me, we rush across the room to say Hi. We ask how it’s going, sit around and chat for awhile. We’re still friends, not uncomfortable around each other. Still, it’s not the close-forged friendship of mutual experience that was formed on the retreat. Instead, we’re catching up on each others’ lives, lives we haven’t been a part of for a while.
I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, but I keep busy enough that I rarely recognize loneliness. Retreats, however, bring that out. It’s when I get back from a retreat that I long for a girlfriend that I can bare my soul to and she to me. It’s when I get back from a retreat that I long to have friends I can just call up and hang out with. It’s when I get back from a retreat that I wish I could count guys as everyday friends.
But I’m back and it’s busy again. Awkwardness keeps me from following through on what I want. Inertia kicks in and I do nothing to develop those friendships. I don’t even know how to develop friendships–and learning takes work. So returning from retreats can be melancholy for me.