I have a confession to make. I’m an internet stalker. Seriously. I have a bad habit of going on blog stalking kicks. Every so often, I get in the mood to hear about people’s lives so I check their blogs continuously-multiple times a day. The more frequently a person updates their blog, the more likely I am to stalk it. I lurk behind the scenes, checking the blog compulsively several times a day, never revealing my name or giving comments.
If people knew what I did, they might wonder why I stalk them of all people. Well, anyone unfortunate enough to have added me as a friend on Facebook is susceptible. And if that person has linked another person I know on their blog–I stalk them too. And if you happen to go to my church and have a blog–I’ve added you to my list too.
Because a list is what I have. On the link toolbar of my web browser, under F, then under Friends, is a list of links to weblogs. About once a month I run through them all–those that are updated frequently, I add to my mental list of sites to check frequently. Of those, the ones that disappoint me the least when I’m running through them, are the most likely to be stalked.
The video from CAPS we watched in Health Aide class mentioned that most people with psychological disorders think that they’re alone–that no one else experiences the same problem they do. Well, perhaps I have the reverse. I want to believe that I’m not too unusual–which is why I also compulsively check my website’s webstats. I have a log of every computer that has accessed my website–organized by IP address. I ping each computer so that I can discover the name of the computer–my website was visited x times this month by UNL computer lab computers. Look, I gave that person my web address three months ago and this is their first visit–at least I’m pretty sure that I know who that person is. Be careful what you name your computer for the sake of the network. It may give me clues as to who you are. Better to keep with a generic computer name if you want to avoid my detection.
But, alas, for all my attempts to discover that everyone is indeed a blog stalker like I am, I discover that they are not. Or if they are, they do not stalk my site. I am and am likely to remain the most avid visitor of my own website–even though no one else visits it, I keep the webstats page as the second most visited page after my home page.
It’s a tumor–benign or malignant I do not know. But it grows, preying upon my time. Sometimes it divides quickly, sometimes slowly, but it keeps growing. In a life that I have made too busy for real interaction, hearing of someone’s life second hand is the best I can do. I need to do something–and quickly. Because my busyness is a disease, taking over my life.