“And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:18-19)
Some of the mighty works of God, some of the events of our lives are meant to be shared, to be marveled over, to be spread abroad. Some of them are meant to be kept and pondered.
I find one expression easy, the other infinitely hard. How can I not share, marvel over, spread abroad all that God has done and is doing in me? I was not born to be secretive or contemplative–I was born to yell the details of my life from the nearest street corner. And so I frequently do–often using this blog as a medium for those stories.
But what of those times, those events, those experiences that are meant to be kept and pondered? What does an all-out-there girl do about these?
Like the things that Mary saw, the things which are too precious, too confusing, too utterly too-too (a la Nellie Oleson in These Happy Golden Years).
Some things can’t be shared. They are too fresh, too raw, too full of tangled thoughts and emotions to be spread abroad. To share them would be to lay open my heart to be beaten–for I cannot separate my heart from them or them from my heart.
Yet those same things beg to be shared, to be released. If I did not relieve my heart of some of them, my heart would become too full to continue beating.
And so I pour out my heart to God in prayer, and I release my thoughts into a paper journal, something to be seen by my eyes and His alone.
Maybe someday I will be able to share them with you without handing away my heart pell-mell, maybe someday their attachment to me will become less. Or maybe these things are meant to be kept, hidden, pondered, a secret between God and I.
I don’t know, but for now, forgive me as I choose to hide a half of me from the online world, in order to ponder the works of God in private. For right now, at least, it is the time to keep all these things and ponder them in my heart.