What is intimacy?
For a lot of people, intimacy is synonymous with sex.
I think this is unfortunate.
Merriam-Webster defines the word intimate as
- a : intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature
- : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity
- a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association b : suggesting informal warmth or privacy
- : of a very personal or private nature
If something is intimate, it is something that makes up the core of who you are. And intimacy is the sharing of yourself with someone else.
But just like there are many levels to who we are, there are many levels to intimacy. We are physical creatures, yes–but we are also soulish creatures and spiritual creatures, with a spirit, a heart, a mind, emotions. There are very real parts of ourselves in each of these dimensions–and there is opportunity for intimacy in each of these dimensions as well.
Levels of Intimacy
Others have likely come up with even better descriptions of levels of intimacy, but I like to divide intimacy into four categories: proximity intimacy, head intimacy, heart intimacy, and physical intimacy.
Proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. This is the intimacy, the sharing of ourselves, that occurs simply because we are physically in proximity to one another. This is the type of sharing that occurs with our coworkers, our neighbors, people we meet as we go about our daily lives. We relate on the basis of shared experiences and shared interests. We talk about the weather, about our hobbies, about the Huskers :-). This realm, in many ways, is all about what we do.
The next level of intimacy is head intimacy. This is intimacy formed from sharing our minds with others. We relate on the basis of shared ideas, shared opinions. We talk politics or religion or education or books. This realm is all about what we think.
Next comes heart intimacy. This is the intimacy formed from sharing our hearts with others. We share our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our worries. We talk aspirations and struggles and triumphs and despair. This realm is all about what we feel.
The final level of intimacy is physical intimacy. This is the intimacy of sharing one’s body with another.
Intimacy in relationships
I think that the concept of levels of intimacy is important because it helps us to understand proper progression of relationships and helps us to establish appropriate boundaries for relationships.
As I said, proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. It is relatively easy to establish this form of intimacy–and relatively easy to break it off. This is the realm of casual acquaintances, cocktail party small talk. We can find common interests with someone, can watch a movie together or play a card game together. The group of people with whom we have proximity intimacy is always shifting, always changing as we move in and out of jobs, communities, community organizations, stores, parties, and the like. We experience a small degree of joy in forming these intimacies, and an equally small degree of sorrow when these intimacies are broken.
We generally don’t have–and don’t need to have–many boundaries on this level of intimacy. The intimacy is superficial enough that we don’t have to limit access to this area of ourselves at all. Anyone is welcome to know us and interact with us on this level.
We are a little more selective at the second level of intimacy–head intimacy. We don’t just share our thoughts with anyone. Here, we often search for someone who is like-minded, someone who has a similar outlook on life. That’s not to say that we agree 100% with the people we allow into this area–but we have some sort of underlying agreement. Perhaps we agree that politics or religion are important–so we discuss politics or religion. This realm narrows our group of intimates a bit more. We tend to enjoy this intimacy to a greater degree than we do proximity intimacy–but this is still fairly superficial. Friendships in this realm still come and go rather fluidly. We might mourn the loss of a head-friend, but on a general level. It’s easy to replace a head-friend. While we have some boundaries in this level, this is still a pretty superficial level. We don’t need to limit access to this area that much.
The third level of intimacy is heart-intimacy. This is where we’re really starting to get close. Now we’re revealing deep, core things about who we are. We’ve moved past what we do and what we think to what we feel. Our intimates in this realm are, of necessity, a smaller group. We simply cannot have a hundred heart-intimate friends. We haven’t enough heart to share with them all!
This is the realm of friendship where our souls become knit together, such that separation is painful. While one only occasionally mourns the loss of a head-friend–and even less often the loss of a proximity-friend (a casual acquaintance)–one always mourns the loss of a heart-friend.
It is at this point that we begin to establish more strict boundaries. We seek out heart-friends that we know we can trust–those who will be gentle with the heart we have shared with them. We seek out heart-friends who will share our burdens, who will rejoice when we rejoice, who will weep with us when we weep.
And it is here that we must begin to exercise caution with opposite sex friendships. I’ll discuss this more later, but this level of intimacy moves an opposite sex relationship beyond just friendship–whatever you choose to call it.
The fourth and final level of intimacy, physical intimacy, occurs only within romantic relationships, and ultimately culminates in intercourse. This realm requires strict boundaries. This is, at least partly, what Jesus was talking about when He spoke to the Pharisees.
“And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6
God designed this level of intimacy to be particularly deep, particularly precious. And as such, it ought to be guarded and protected until the appropriate time–with the appropriate person.
In the next couple of days, we will discuss heart-intimacy and physical-intimacy in more depth. For now, I think it’s important to recognize the wisdom of moving through these levels of intimacy in sequence. Whether in opposite- or same-sex relationships, it can be dangerous to rush through these levels or to skip levels along the way. Skipping from proximity-intimacy to heart-intimacy without establishing trust and shared values in the head-intimacy stage can lead to great heart-ache when one or both parties fail to honor one anothers’ hearts. Skipping from proximity-intimacy or head-intimacy to physical intimacy can leave both parties battered when it becomes clear that marriage is not an option (or when an ill-advised marriage ends in divorce).
It’s valuable to consider the levels of intimacy and to take deliberate steps to move through the levels in a measured manner rather than letting emotion or physical desire rush you into revealing too much of yourself too soon.