I kissed dating goodbye when Josh Harris’s book came out in 1997. I was 12.
Somewhere around 2007 (actually 2006), I started wondering if I’d kissed marriage goodbye along with dating. I was 21 and I was rethinking my stance on dating.
My conclusion?
Kissing dating goodbye at age 12 was a good decision. Inviting dating into my life at age 21 (okay, actually age 23) was also a good decision.
Because there’s one thing I’ve decided for certain: Dating isn’t for kids.
Please humor me as I discuss this in question and answer format.
What do you mean by dating?
I mean a romantic relationship. I don’t care if you call it dating, courting, or being “friends”–if it’s a romantic relationship, that’s what I mean.
Wait a sec. You don’t think courting is for kids?
Nope. More on that later.
Why not?
Because I think that defeats the purpose of dating/courting/pre-marital-romances.
What do you mean by that?
Well, I think that the purpose of dating/courting/pre-marital-romances–
Are you beginning to see why I want to just call it dating?
–Anyway, I think the purpose of dating is to discover whether you and the other person should marry–so I don’t really think you should do it until you’re ready to get married.
Oh. I see. But I was ready to get married when I was 14.
You might have thought so. But marriage at age 14 is legal in only 7 states without direct judicial intervention. And beyond the legalities, research indicates that couples who marry at a young age (generally less than 20 years old) have significantly less stable marriages than those who marry in their early to mid- twenties (references available on request–sorry, I’m already behind on getting this post up.)
That doesn’t sound good. So dating isn’t smart until you’re 20?
I didn’t say that. I’m not sure that you can set a specific age limit on dating.
Well, then, how do I know if I’m ready to date?
That is a fantastic question (and the one I’ve been waiting for.)
I think there are a number of questions that you should ask yourself before embarking on any romantic relationship. Given in no particular order, those questions are:
- Am I ready to get married?
I urge you to soberly consider this question. And realize I’m not talking about “ready to get married” as in “want to have sex”. I’m talking are you ready to take on the roles and responsibilities of a married man or woman? Are you ready to support a wife? Are you ready to keep house? Are you ready to pay bills and deal with landlords (all by yourselves)? Are you ready to potentially have children? If you aren’t ready (or won’t be ready for longer than two years), you probably shouldn’t be dating. - Do I know what my mission/calling in life is?
I’ve heard way too many sad stories of women or men who have experienced the call of God to be missionaries or pastors but have forsaken that call after marrying someone who didn’t share the call. If you don’t know what God wants you to do with your life–don’t go getting married until you’ve got some idea where you’re going. ‘Cause once you’re married, you’re not free to just pack your bags and head out–you’ve got to think about your spouse. - Will marriage right now help or hinder my mission/calling/goals in life?
When I was 20 years old, I was plenty ready to get married (by which I mean, I would have loved to have gotten married)–but getting married at that point would certainly have hindered my mission and goals. I had two and a half years of school and a 6-24 month internship to complete before I could earn my RD. And earning the RD is important to (at least one part of) my mission and goals in life. (One note here: Keep in mind that no matter how you intend to “plan” your family, you need to be prepared to have children within 9 months of starting to have sex. Just sayin’.) - What do my parents and/or trusted mentors advise?
We can’t make our decisions entirely based on what our parents, friends, and mentors say–but we should consider their input carefully. Are your parents urging caution? I’d take that seriously. Have you asked your parents or trusted mentors for advice? Do they think you’re ready to marry? Weigh their input wisely. - Is God giving you the green light?
Have you been entrusting this to God? If so, what has He been saying? Has He said to go ahead? Has He said to wait? Obey. If you haven’t been giving this to God, give it to Him and get His input first. The last thing you want to do is rashly go out without God’s direction (remember the battle of Ai in Joshua 7?)
In my case, at age 12, I was DEFINITELY not ready to get married. I wasn’t really sure what my mission and calling in life was. Marriage would certainly have hindered my mission and goals. My parents didn’t think I was ready to get married. And God didn’t give me the green light. Time to kiss dating goodbye!
At age 23, I was ready to get married–I’d been paying bills for quite a few years, I’d lived on my own, kept house. I knew what my mission and vision was. I was within a year of earning my RD. When I talked about contentment in singleness and how this time of singleness has benefited me, my parents were starting to talk about it being possible to wait too long to get married. I’d been giving the whole thing over to God–and He certainly wasn’t saying no (even if I had a hard time deciding if He was for sure saying YES!) So I turned on the porch light and opened the front door and invited dating to stay awhile.
As I near my twenty-fifth birthday (less than three weeks now!), I am still a single woman. And I’m okay with that. (Of course, that varies day by day, as I’ve confessed already.) But God has me here for a reason and I trust in His sovereignty.
Maybe some might say that I jumped the gun on dating–after all, I opened the door a couple of years ago and I’m still not married (or even engaged). Maybe I did jump the gun–but I don’t think so. I have no regrets from my dating experiences and I’ve learned TONS and grown IMMENSELY (spiritually and emotionally, not physically :-P) through this mini-season of dating in my big-season of singleness.
So, dating… well, dating is not for kids.
Kids? Take note.
But adults don’t need to be afraid of dating, either.
Adults? Take note.