In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll let you know right now that I’m far from experienced at dating. I’ve dated two guys in the (almost) two years since I welcomed dating into my world–and neither of them for very long.
So I’m not an expert here (like I am with everything else I’ve said this month–Hah!) But I am pleased to say that while I have some sorrows, I have no regrets–and that’s what I’d like to share with you.
I can share my opinions, my ideas, what worked for me. I can share how the men I’ve dated have honored me. I can share my observations from other relationships I’ve seen.
But please know that my goal in this is not dogma. The last thing I want is for you to read my thoughts as rules. Instead, I urge you to read them, to think through them, to pray through them–and ultimately to trust in God and obey Him as He leads you through your own no-regret relationships (whether they look anything like mine or not.)
So, without further ado, my thoughts on no-regret relationships:
“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33)
It’s easy to get caught in the romance and to get selfish–to make everything about yourself. But choose to seek God first. Choose to desire Him beyond the person you’re dating. Scripture says that God’s name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). Don’t evoke His jealousy by idolizing your boyfriend/girlfriend. Seek God first individually–and seek how you can glorify Him through your dating relationship.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
It’s easy, too, in relationships, to become anxious–to wonder “where are we at?” “what did he mean by this or by that?” “are we doing this right?” Anxiety can definitely take hold. But Scripture commands us NOT to be anxious–but instead to present our requests to God. So let God know your struggles, your worries, your excitement. Pour them out before His throne. And choose to trust Him and let His peace fill your soul.
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)
Are you striking out on your own in your dating relationships, or are you relying on good counsel? If the former, you’re setting yourself up for a fall. But Proverbs says that in a multitude of counselors there is safety. Now, I’m not a fan of having someone else set the rules for your relationship or dictate how it should progress–but I am a major fan of having counselors. Ask for direction, ask for accountability, get counsel. And don’t just go to your friends who are in the same position as you. Remember how that worked for Rehoboam? (I Kings 12) Instead, seek out your parent’s wisdom, seek out the wisdom of godly men or women in your church. Hear what they have to say about the process, about you, about the person you’re dating–and listen. Really listen. Are they raising red flags? Don’t just ignore those things. Are they encouraging you to move forward? Be encouraged.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
It’s the vogue to tell people to follow their heart. I’m not really a fan. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful. Sometimes it speaks truth–and sometimes it speaks falsehood. We can’t trust our hearts to make decisions in relationships. Instead, I encourage that we lead our hearts. The Sons of Korah did this in Psalm 42 when they said “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him” (Psalm 42:5) They, of course, were speaking of sorrows, but this principle is equally true in happiness. Romance is a beautiful thing–but don’t let romance lead your relationship. Instead, choose to lead romance in the direction that it ought to go.
“The truthful lip shall be established forever, But a lying tongue is but for a moment.” (Proverbs 12:19)
Another big temptation in dating relationships is to conceal or twist the truth. Face it, sometimes the truth about us isn’t attractive. We’d rather our boyfriend/girlfriend think nicer things about us than the truth. Or we’re afraid that the truth (whether good or bad) will scare him or her away. And it might. Just putting that out there. But ultimately, it is truth that will be established. Lying and concealment does not accomplish good things. It might get you the guy or the girl now–but eventually the truth will be known, and it’ll still be an issue. In fact, it’ll be an even greater issue because you’ve been dishonest.
Miscellaneous hints and tips
For gentlemen:
- Lead with wisdom
As a man, you have been called by God to lead and serve. You are given responsibility to be the initiator in a relationship. Consider wisely how you lead. Serve your girlfriend by pointing her to Christ, by encouraging her in the Lord. - Define the relationship (DTR)
As the leader, this is your job. You should be taking steps to lead the relationship–and to let your girlfriend know where you’re leading. Be clear with her about where you’re at in regard to the relationship–but don’t make her promises (either in word or in deed) that you can’t keep. - Guard her heart
This goes along with the last bit about not making promises you can’t keep. You need to be careful not to get caught up in the romance or the physical relationship to the point that you forsake leadership and let her think you’re somewhere you’re not. Pay attention to red flags–and when they arise, deal with them before you get more romantically involved. I can’t say how much this will bless your girlfriend. - Be chivalrous
Okay, so this one sounds a bit frivolous–but seriously. Open doors for her. Open the car door for her. Pay for her meal. Look out for her safety and comfort. Loan her a scarf if you have to :-) It’ll bless her. (Although, lest I give the wrong impression, you don’t have to be dating to be chivalrous. Those of you men who aren’t dating are certainly welcome to practice chivalry!)
For ladies:
- Follow his lead
A lot of times, ladies, this means slow down. You’ve been going out a week and you’re already mentally rearranging his apartment for after you’re married. Cut it out! Instead, let him set the pace of the relationship (of course, that doesn’t mean you let him rush you into anything–but I think it’s usually the other way around.) Serve your boyfriend by not taking over his job in the relationship.
There is a flip side to this–it doesn’t always mean slowing down. This also means that you reciprocate his vulnerability. Has he shared part of his heart with you? He’s just led the relationship to this level of intimacy. Now (and not before) is your opportunity to respond to his initiative by sharing your heart. Has he been complimenting you, giving you gifts, demonstrating his affection? Now (and not before) is your opportunity to respond in kind. - Don’t DTR
Maybe I’m being redundant. I mean, I already told the men to DTR–now I’m telling the ladies not to. But really. Don’t. I know way too many girls who are slap happy about defining the relationship–and in doing so, they’re forcing themselves on a guy who hasn’t figured out where he’s taking the relationship yet. Now, if your boyfriend is physically or emotionally taking a relationship someplace but hasn’t clarified his intentions in it, you can and should put the brakes on it. But I mean put the brakes on it–not take over the steering wheel. - Don’t make assumptions
If your boyfriend tells you where he’s at in the relationship, take him at his word. If he hasn’t told you where he’s at, don’t try to guess or make conjectures. Don’t try to tease out meaning behind every phrase he says. Don’t try to find double meanings. There aren’t any. Or at least there shouldn’t be. If he’s “that into you”, he’ll let you know. Don’t try to make something out of nothing. - Respond to his chivalry
Let him open the door for you (This one was hard for me at first). Accept his chivalrous actions. Compliment him for his chivalry. Let him know that you appreciate his leadership and service.
And above all, make it your aim to glorify God and to honor Him in and through your relationship.
Stop in tomorrow to hear my thoughts about honoring God when you break up.