With a long day (22 hours on 4 hours of sleep) on Saturday and a wedding early Sunday afternoon, I elected to not attend church Sunday morning. My hostess in the Master’s College dorms had invited me to chapel on Monday morning, so I knew I’d still have a chance to worship with a body of believers this week.
I was excited to be there, to worship with these college students. I was supremely grateful to Kim for inviting me. It wasn’t until I got into the gymnasium and took my seat next to Kim in the aisle about halfway down that I started to get nervous.
It was then that I suddenly realized that I had no idea how these people conducted their musical worship. I know a wee bit about Master’s college’s theology–after all, John MacArthur is the president of the school. I know MacArthur’s theology to be quite conservative, and dogmatic on certain issues that I consider secondary issues (ones over which true believers can and do disagree). It made me wonder whether this conservatism would carry over into musical worship.
Because my worship style… Well…
Music moves me.
And I don’t just mean emotionally.
That I know of, I have never been able to keep my body still when music is going. Try as I may to keep myself still, my body sways, my feet tap, my arms begin flowing.
In my church, with its very open worship-style, this isn’t really a problem. “That’s just Rebekah,” the congregation says of the girl with the long hair who’s almost dancing in the front row. But then again, my church is fine with people actually dancing–the jump up and down and twirl in circles kind of dancing.
But what happens when I enter a more conservative congregation?
Usually, I know in advance that I’m entering a more conservative congregation, and I have a pew in front of me that I can grasp to stabilize myself–to keep my body from giving me away.
Here, my hostess has selected the row with a big break between it and the one in front of it–a horizontal aisle for people to cross back and forth. What’s more, she’s given me the aisle seat. This is the seat I’d normally choose, the seat I’d desire if I knew the church had no problem with my worship style. Aisle seats mean I have plenty of room to simply worship, without worrying that my unconscious movement would run into anyone.
Except that I have no desire to place a stumbling block in anyone’s way by allowing myself such freedom in worship here.
For the first song, I tightly grasp my hands together in front of me, trying to focus on the lyrics, trying to focus on God–but mostly just focusing on keeping myself still.
When a member of the worship band half raises his hand towards the end of the first song, I breathe a sigh of relief. This expression of worship is allowed.
I begin to see some students with hands half raised, so I allow myself that freedom.
Now some have their hands fully raised in the air. I relax a bit more.
They begin the song “Before the Throne of God Above”.
My heart is overwhelmed with thankfulness for the
“great High Priest whose name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.”
I forget myself and simply worship.
I want to honor God by honoring His body. I also want to honor God by fixing my attention on Him alone in worship. The difficulty is when fixing my attention on Him might be a distraction for others seeking to do the same.
So I continue to walk this line.
Because music moves me.
I can’t think of Before the Throne without thinking of Rescue, an a capella group started by a college friend of mine. They have a terrific arrangement of that song you can listen to on their website:
http://www.rescueministries.com
I definitely identify with your struggle with not being a distraction, but from a slightly different angle. I sing regularly on my church’s worship teams, and I’m often asked to lead out on a song.
Now, if it’s a special or offertory, I’m fine with it. But if it’s just part of the worship set, I feel really self-conscious that my singing alone may break up the worship experience. (Not my singing in particular, but the fact that the rest of the team isn’t singing with me.)
I grew up in a Pentecostal church, but I’ve swung around to very reserved when it comes to my outward expression in worship. Though that might just be my age showing…;)
Ooo–that is a great arrangement!
Someday, I’ll have to look back and see if age has affected my worship style. I know I was more ebullient as a teenager–jumping up and down and trying to hold my hands overhead for longer than anybody else in the youth group. But while my motivations may have shifted since, the degree of movement during worship certainly hasn’t. At this point, I don’t even notice that I’m “doing it” unless a new situation or a comment from somebody reminds me of how much I move around during worship.