“But he’s like a brother” she said.
“Except that he’s not.” I thought.
It’s a sentiment I hear a lot–and use plenty myself. I talk of brothers and sister in Christ. I quote the Scripture about treating young women as sisters. I talk about not causing my “brother” to stumble.
But sometimes I think we take the analogy (or even the spiritual reality) too far in our everyday lives.
We forget, perhaps, that there’s at least one critical distinction between a brother-in-the-Lord and a brother-by-blood.
You can’t marry a brother-by-blood.
Which allows a certain liberty to be taken in thought and action.
I don’t really think much about whether my brothers-by-blood like me or how they’re reading my behavior towards them. I don’t have to. My siblings all know that none of our intentions towards one another are sexual–or heading towards marital intimacy.
As such, I am often candid with my brothers-by-blood when discussing my heart or even my body. I share my heartaches with them. I talk about my cycles in their presence (not that they’re ever too pleased by that line of conversation.) Likewise, I punch, pinch, tease, or hug my brothers-by-blood–with little thought to how it is perceived. So what if I sit on my little brother when he beats me to the chair I wanted?
But this is not how I ought to treat my brother-in-the-Lord who is not my brother-by-blood.
Even if my intention towards my brother-in-the-Lord is completely platonic, there is no guarantee that our relationship will always be platonic.
There is nothing biologically keeping me from having a more than platonic relationship with my brother-in-the-Lord.
And there’s nothing biologically keeping him from thinking or feeling towards me in a manner that is not platonic.
Which means that treating my brother-in-the-Lord as a brother means more than just treating him the exact way I treat my brothers-by-blood.
I need to not lust after him (just as I would not lust after my brothers-by-blood)–but beyond, I need to take deliberate steps to guard his heart (the heart that is not guarded by the natural platonicity that siblings-by-blood have towards one another.)
I need to act deliberately towards my brothers-in-Christ.
It’s not enough to dismiss them as “but he’s like a brother.”
He’s also a single man that could potentially marry me (or want to).
Which means I need to treat him not quite like a brother.
I realize that some people do struggle with physical attraction towards their brothers-by-blood. In these cases, extra caution should be taken with them as well. But the normative experience is that siblings not only have the implicit understanding that they cannot marry by law but explicit biological deterrents to sexual awareness of their siblings. One famous study found that women were “turned off” by the sweat of their biological relations, while the sweat of unrelated men (believe it or not) can be aphrodisiac (related to pheromones found in said sweat.)
A wise word of caution and discretion, Bekah. I would also add that a brother-in-the-Lord could not only potentially marry you: he could also marry someone else, your sister, your friend, and that’s another angle of protection in the relationship: not to do anything with an unmarried man that either of you would feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about if either of you married someone else.
There is a lot of wisdom in your post…and also in Barbara’s comment. Hear, hear!