I am not ALWAYS like this

Tuesday, October 29th, 2013 at 8:57 pm

Just when it seems like I might be managing better, I crash.

Just when I feel like I’m actually happy some of the time–then I cry for two hours in the morning and barely make it through work and am sad all weekend long when I should be happy and I wake up sad every morning afterward and don’t get anything accomplished at all.

It’s then that I start to think the self-defeating thought that I’ll never get over this, that depression will always be my life, that depression will make me a failure as a wife, as a homemaker, someday as a mother (“Infants of depressed mothers, although competent learners, fail to learn in response to their own mother’s infant-directed speech.” From a reference at ParentingScience.com).

So, just for the record, I’m going to make some notes from today to prove to future self-defeating Rebekah that even when I’m depressed I am not ALWAYS like that.

I do not ALWAYS stay in bed…this morning I got up and took a shower and went to work.

I do not ALWAYS forget to make appointments while the doctor’s office is open…today I called not once but three times during regular business hours to make and reschedule an appointment.

I do not ALWAYS cry between clients at work…today I moved straight from client to client for almost four hours without a single break for crying.

I do not ALWAYS crawl into bed and play sudoku on my phone during lunch break…today I hung some laundry, folded a load, and started a new load.

I do not ALWAYS leave my husband to either make something himself or eat cereal in evenings after tough days at work…today I made him supper before class, even though it’s a Tuesday.

I do not ALWAYS not get up again once I’ve sat down in the evening…tonight I got back up and washed dishes, swept the floor, changed the bedsheets, hung another load of laundry, and put away the rest of the laundry.

I do not ALWAYS let the dishes pile up…today I cleaned all the dishes I made today plus a few extra.

I doubt many days will be as productive as today.

Some days I will stay in bed far longer than I wish I had. Some days I will forget to make a doctor’s appointment during business hours and will have to wait until the next day–and then the next and the next. Some days I will cry between clients at work. Some days I will crawl into bed and play sudoku on my phone during lunch break. Some days I will leave my husband to either make something himself or eat cereal in evenings after tough days at work. Some days I will not get up again once I’ve sat down in the evening. Some days I will let the dishes pile up.

But not ALWAYS.

Instead, another always should fill my heart.

In those days, I must remember that Jesus has promised: “…behold, I am with you ALWAYS, to the end of the age.” (Matt 28:20 ESV)

In those days, I must remember that in Jesus, it is ALWAYS “Yes” and I must utter “Amen” (II Cor 1:19-20 ESV).

In those days, I must remember that in Christ God “ALWAYS leads us
in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him everywhere.” (II Cor 2:14 ESV)

In those days, I must remember that Christ, my High Priest, “ALWAYS lives to make intercession for [me].” (Heb 7:25 ESV)

And, in response, I must “rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS.” (Phil 4:4 ESV)


Reader Comments (4):

  1. Davene Grace says:

    Oh, Rebekah, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a big hug…and just sit with you…maybe cry with you…just do whatever I could to reassure you that you are not alone in this battle.

    I am so proud of you for the way you are clinging to the TRUTH…and the way you expressed that in this post.

    Please know that you are so, so, so loved.

  2. Melinda says:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this dark time, Rebekah! I went through a period of depression some years ago, and it was enough to make me never want to be there again. It’s tough. It’s an encouragement to me that you are focused on God’s truth even during this time.

  3. mom says:

    Jer 31:3 “I have loved you with an everlasting love…

    God loves you. God’s grace is sufficient. By God’s grace you can overcome this. I love you.

  4. Barbara H. says:

    Praying for you – like others have said, it is so good you are concentrating on God’s truth.

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