Thankful Thursday: Myself Again

I’m not generally a vain person – and I didn’t dread the weight gain that would come with pregnancy. I correct women all the time when they disparage themselves in my office. “You’re not fat,” I tell them, “You’re pregnant.”

And despite the wound to my pride when my weight gain surpassed the goal curve somewhere around 20 weeks, I felt fine with my pregnant body – until I didn’t.

I’m not sure at what point the swelling went from being just a part of pregnancy to I-no-longer-am-at-home-in-my-own-body, but by the time we were hospitalized, I was there.

Now, as the swelling goes down and my blood pressure finally decreases too, I am thankful to be myself again.

This week I’m thankful…

…for normal shoes
I never wear tennis shoes, preferring to pair ballet flats or loafers with my skirts or slacks. But when my feet started swelling around 22 weeks, I requested (and was granted) permission to wear tennis shoes at work. Before long, my feet has swollen to the point that I couldn’t have worn my other shoes even if I wanted to – my feet widened to the point that there was sock peeking out on either side of the tongue of my tennies. Now, I’m thankful that my feet are returning to normal, which means that I can return to my normal footwear.

…for the ability to breathe
Not too long into our hospitalization, I started to have difficulty breathing. The X-ray showed a spot of fluid on my lungs but (thankfully) no widespread pulmonary edema. The residents began me on a regimen of incentive spirometry, where I tried to blow 1750 mL of air into a little device to fully empty my lungs – and then allow them to fully reinflate. It felt magnificent after delivery to be able to breathe again without laboring. I’m so thankful that I can breathe.

…for my face looking back in the mirror
We didn’t weigh me that last day before delivery, so I don’t know how much I gained ultimately in my 32 week pregnancy. Weights from earlier in the week showed at least 50 lbs of gain – but I know I gained quite a bit more even in that last day. How do I know? Because my face went from being thin (at the beginning of pregnancy) to being rounded (when I entered the hospital) to being look-who-we-just-carved-out-of-the-recliner-she’s-been-sitting-in-for-ten-years (at delivery). That last day, I gained so much additional fluid, that I could barely see through slit-like eyes and couldn’t recognize the face I saw in the mirror. I’m so grateful that I can now look in the mirror and see my own face looking back at me.

…for limbs that move at my will
I didn’t experience any terrible side effects (except for a single emesis) from my first course of intravenous magnesium, but my second dose, once we began induction, was awful. I shook uncontrollably almost constantly and couldn’t really move myself willingly at all. While I hated the Foley catheter during the first course, I took refuge in it during the second – since there was no way I could have controlled my own body enough to walk into the bathroom, or even keep myself seated on the commode. Having not had any control of my body for 12 hours during the induction, I am so thankful to again be able to move my own limbs when and only when I want to.

It’s harder for me to be thankful that my belly is almost flat, able to fit into many of my old clothes. But the conversation I overheard in the operating room makes me thankful even for that.

I could hear an audible gasp, I’m not sure who from – and then Daniel asked “Is that the waters breaking?” The doctor replied, “No, I haven’t gotten to her uterus yet – that’s ascites.”

I don’t know if the doctor explained ascites or not – but I knew what it was and was (and am) grateful that we delivered when we did. Ascites is a buildup of fluid in the abdominal cavity, generally because the liver has stopped functioning. While my liver function tests were still normal at the point we began induction, my liver had clearly shut down in the twelve hours between the start of induction and Tirzah Mae’s birth. My womb would have quickly become a toxic environment for her.

So I’m thankful. Thankful that the fluid in my belly is gone – and even though it’s bittersweet that my baby’s gone too, I’m so thankful that she is safe in the NICU rather than being poisoned by my body no longer working.

God has been good, so very good.

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
~Psalm 73:25-26 (ESV)