About a month ago, Melinda and Carrie from Wholesome Womanhood asked me if I would be willing to participate in a blog carnival answering the questions:
“How did you transition between singleness and marriage? Was it difficult? Were there some things about marriage that surprised you?”
I immediately agreed, thinking I’d love to share my (very) recent experiences. What I wasn’t necessarily thinking about at the time was what the really honest answer to those questions would be–and how hard it would be to write those down.
The truth is, to answer the questions in reverse: Sex surprised me. It was difficult. I’m not quite sure how the transition happened–except with lots of grace, lots of patience, and lots of communication.
I want to give a warning to my readers. I’m not going to be graphic, but I am going to talk about sex pretty frankly–since that has been the most difficult change for Daniel and I.
In retrospect, we were given some warning. Kevin Lehman talked in Sheet Music about how married sex is different than illicit premarital sex (I am so glad neither of us had to deal with comparisons there!) in that you’re learning what makes *one person* tick. My mom cautioned that all the books in the world couldn’t tell me what *Daniel* would want or what would feel good to *me*.
Still, I somehow had the impression that sex would just be a matter of doing the right things. Furthermore, I read three different books on sex (Kevin Lehman’s Sheet Music, Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham’s The Language of Sex, and Ed Wheat’s Intended for Pleasure) so I had a good idea of what the right things were. Or so I thought.
I learned pretty quickly that my perception was completely wrong.
What I learned is that Daniel is not just any man and I am not just any woman. I am myself, he is himself. Just because the books say men prefer this or that doesn’t mean Daniel prefers either. Just because the books say women like this or that doesn’t mean I like either. Instead, we had to learn (mostly from scratch) what pleases one another.
What I learned about sex as a newly married woman (Okay, so I’m still a newly married woman–just three months in) is that sex is hard work. Sex requires practice, persistence, patience. And it requires communication.
We learned that we had to relax our expectations. Sex will not necessarily be amazing every time. Sometimes it might hurt. What seemed to work a few days ago may not work today. We learned that trying to make every time we had sex a “10” just stressed us out–and too often resulted in tears of disappointment instead of tears of joy. We had to relax and focus on intimacy, on learning about one another, on enjoying the small (and sometimes large) pleasures. As we did, our overall experience improved–as did our outlook towards the more “ho-hum” moments.
We learned that we had to be willing to experiment. A lot of the practical advice in the books I read was centered around spicing up a boring sex life–which I suppose is useful for a couple who’s been married for a while and maybe has gotten into a rut. But for the couple who hasn’t really figured out what works for them? The books weren’t too helpful. We had to learn to experiment on our own–with different positions, different types of foreplay, different ways of communicating with one another what we liked, different brands of lubrication, different times of day. We had to be willing to retry things that didn’t quite work, switching up a variable or two. As we did, we learned more about ourselves and each other–and added to our list of shared experiences.
We learned that we had to keep on communicating. We both of us had to be willing to say “That’s really not working for me” or “Why don’t you try…” We’ve had to be vocal about when we were enjoying something. We’ve learned that we need to keep talking about differing expectations for frequency of sex, length of sex, whatever. We’ve had to learn to ask when we don’t understand each other’s facial expressions or sounds. Even though we discussed sex, including our expectations, prior to getting married, we have had to keep on discussing sex frequently since then.
We learned that we had to be patient.
Sex isn’t learned overnight. Great sex doesn’t happen in a week-long honeymoon or even a month of regular practice. There are plenty of things that we still need to learn about each other and how to please one another more fully. But, the good news is that we know that practice and patience pays off. Communication and care produces results. And we have the rest of our lives to continue to learn how to have truly outstanding sex.
Please note: When I had my husband read this over, he reminded me that what I’ve said above isn’t really new. The books *did* warn of these same things–but in our premarital optimism we somehow glossed over those things. Daniel says that the most important thing *he’s* learned has been from the paragraph that starts “What I learned is that Daniel is not just any man and I am not just any woman.”
Don’t forget to visit Melinda and Carrie’s blog post to see how other women transitioned into marriage.
Thanks for sharing, Rebekah! This is exactly the type of post I would have loved to read before we got married. It’s great advice for any engaged woman.
Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly about such an important topic!! I wish more people would be bold enough to speak up on this issue that God cares so much about!
Great job!!! I appreciate your openness and honesty as well.
No book beats the Song of Solomon! Keep up the good work Rebeka.
A good topic to write about! I actually found that sex was much better after I had my first baby. Something about the powerful act of giving birth changed me or maybe changed both of us, and our intimacy got way better and more passionate immediately. A big noticeable change. So I’d recommend a home birth because i think that helped!
Oh Bekah, you (and your husband) are so brave to willingly address this topic that so desperately needs to be spoken to! From my five years (albeit, limited) experience, I would say that it really only gets better and better. And from what we’ve heard, sex in your 40’s is AMAZING :). Something to look forward to! That being said, communication is definitely key. Laying aside embarrassment to discuss what works and what doesn’t has made all the difference for us.
Yeah, sex def takes work! =) It does get better and better though. After 3 1/2 years of marriage and two kids later all I can say is although the books can give you a few ideas, the best thing is definitely just communicating with your spouse, which you said as well. =) Anyways, great post!
It’s so true that books help, but in some ways can’t prepare you for your own experience. Each couple has to experiment and communicate to find out what works best for them. It’s very true, too, that striving for a “10” every time puts undue stress on the whole experience. Sometimes the most intimate times might not be the “10s”.
Well, that…sounds like a challenge.