It seems I write in fits and bursts, just like I live the rest of my life.
I have a fit of kitchen zeal and my dishes get (almost) caught up, four dozen Runzas are packed away in the freezer, the load of cookie dough Daniel bought from a child is baked, and the fridge abounds with homemade yogurt. Above the fridge, an old Tupperware is full of homemade granola and two Pyrex with roasted chickpea snacks.
A fit of reading (on a trip, usually) has me writing reviews and book notes.
A fit of exercising means I walk to Braums for milk, to a friend’s house to drop off my husband for breakfast (yes, totally unnecessary, since he could have walked or driven himself–but still), to the library to drop off a book and get some more.
And then come the bursts.
I collapse on the couch after work, crying until my husband orders me into the bathtub to relax.
I burst into tears unprovoked and stare unseeingly at the wall, unable to contain my emotion.
I start the day crying and thank God that I have some time charting between clients because I need the moments for more fits of crying.
I just start to feel that things are getting better–that I’m making friends and finding my place. I just start to feel that I’m establishing routines and doing okay. I just start to feel that I’ve figured out how to be a wife and a woman at the same time.
And then the bubble bursts and I’m back in a fit.
I cry and cry.
I can’t see outside the moment, outside the days, the weeks of difficulty.
When does it get easy? I wonder. Will it ever?
When will I get out from under the cloud I’m living in? When will I gain perspective? When will I cease to be at the whim of these fits and bursts?
I despair.
I think I need help.
I tell myself that help is more trouble than it’s worth.
I don’t want to spend money for help. I want to pay down our debt so we can have a baby.
I want to help myself. I check out books from the library. Books on sleeping better, on overcoming depression, on managing the TMD related headaches. I don’t read them because the burst of energy to complete them never comes.
Daniel wants to help me, asks how he can help–but I don’t know how. I wish I did. I wish I knew what caused these fits, these crying jags, this persistent, lingering melancholy. We work our way through what we know, but we know so little.
What am I to do when the thunderstorm breaks and I find myself bawling in my office, unable to see any way out?
You too, eh? I’m sorry.
Have you found a church down there? A good pastor may be able to help (and for free)
If you think you need help, get it. People like us who are used to thinking things through and figuring them out often need someone else to come In and turn off the hamster wheel. Seriously, I cannot encourage you any more strongly to stop, pray, get some referrals, and start making phone calls to get some help. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot you might gain.
I also encourage you to get help. Anybody can get blue from time to time, but when it lingers on and on, and when it’s as invasive as this is, seek help.
I’m as averse as anyone about taking medicine, but I wholeheartedly encourage it when someone gets stuck in depression and can’t get out. It’s probably not something you’d need forever (if you need at all–a professional can help you with that), but it can bump you out of this phase so you can enjoy your young marriage and sweet husband to the max.
In addition to the excellent advice everyone else has given, I’d look for ways to cut back on all that you do. When I worked full time in the early years of marriage for several months (I worked part time most of the time I worked), I was wiped out by the time we got home and got dinner ready and and cleaned up. There would have been no energy for homemade yogurt and granola and such, especially not all in the same week. I am not saying cut back there, necessarily, if that is important to you and brings you joy. But somewhere. Marriage does take a great deal of energy, and it may be helpful to cut back or cut down or set aside some activities so you’re not depleted.
I am so glad to know that this is going on in your life. So glad for you honesty. I will be praying for wisdom for both you and Daniel as you seek help and answers and the ability to press in and press on.