You are a conqueror!

Girls have a great longing to be wanted, to be desired, to be seen as valuable. Guys have great longings too. They want to be conquerors, to be protectors, to be providers. Both sets of longings affect their owners’ relationships with the opposite sex. When women are single for a prolonged amount of time (even if that’s only six weeks since they first got interested in guys!), they start wondering if maybe they’re unwanted, undesirable, worthless. Guys, when they’re single, start thinking that maybe they’re weak, powerless, ineffective, impotent.

We recognize this in women–and we have a hundred books and a hundred speakers to tell the women that it isn’t so. “You are valuable.” we tell our single women. “You are desirable not because some boy somewhere decided that he could get something from you, but because the King of the Universe wanted you so badly He gave everything for you.” Walk into any Christian bookstore and you can find plenty of resources for single women dealing with this topic.

The other side of the equation is a bit murkier. We don’t really say much to the single men. “Don’t lust.” “Don’t sleep around.” “Be a man–do what’s best for her.” Instead of encouraging the men, often we end up discouraging them. Our unspoken words sound more like, “You’re right, you aren’t really a man. You haven’t even got your own impulses figured out–how can you even think about marrying? You’re not a man–you don’t want to protect her.”

Maybe I’ve even been guilty. My younger brothers tease Anna and I about getting them some brothers-in-law and I say “That’s not my job.” I don’t clarify that it’s not necessarily the guy’s job either. So maybe the impression I’m leaving is that it’s the guys’ job to find themselves wives. If they can’t find themselves a wife–I guess they just aren’t doing their job.

Weak. Powerless. Ineffective. Impotent. Bad Provider. Bad Protector. Conquered. How often do we tell them that’s what they are? We rag on them for their lust–while we openly discuss “hot guys” and the relative merits of Colin Firth vs. Hugh Grant (okay it’s official: I’m getting old!). We play our little games of “You’ve got to protect me”–from the other Christian boys. We tease them with their powerlessness against PC culture–“Hitting you isn’t abuse. You’re a white male!” “Get yourself a date” we tell them, as if that’s all there is to it.

Why don’t we tell them what they really need to hear? Why don’t we say something constructive? Why don’t we tell them what God thinks of them?

Why is it that we’ve been so sensitive to the women’s feelings of being unloved, unwanted, undesirable, worthless–and we’ve been so insensitive to the men’s inner longings? Instead of affirming them in their manhood–we continue to tear them down.

Well, I’ve got news. You, single man, are a conqueror. You are a champion for truth, for righteousness. You are not a captive to your lusts, a bondservant to your base desires. You are a beacon of integrity. You are strong. You are effective.

You’re not a bad provider because you’ve failed to “PWN” yourself a wife. Rather, you’re a good provider. I’ve seen how you paid for someone’s lunch when she didn’t have any cash handy. I’ve seen how you denied yourself to move someone on that hot afternoon after you’d been working all week. I’ve seen how you volunteered for the sound ministry, the children’s church ministry, Royal Rangers, and ushering. You’re a good provider.

You haven’t failed at protecting–I’ve seen you walk that girl to her car when the night was dark. I’ve been the girl you walked to the car. Thanks for not worrying about what people would think. Thanks for not trying to be PC. Thanks for standing firm and protecting–even when the world would leave us helpless. Thanks for being men and lifting the body up in prayer. You may not have a “family” you’re protecting–but you’ve protected us–and I thank you.

It’s not your job to find yourself a wife–that’s God’s job. I’m sorry I ever implied otherwise. I’m sorry I held on to my “feminist ideals” at the expense of your self-worth–thanks for serving me anyway. I’m sorry I tried to manipulate you into doing whatever I wanted, that I acted as if your heart wasn’t worthwhile. I’m sorry that I spoke lies to you about who you are. I’m sorry I stayed silent even when I knew the truth.

Please forgive me for staying silent. I can’t stay silent any longer. Because the truth is that you are a conqueror. You are powerful and effective. You are needed. You’re not less because you’re single. You haven’t failed because you’re single. You don’t need to hurry up and get a move on. You’re doing just fine. Actually, you’re doing more than fine. You’re doing a great job. We need you. Keep up the good work.