I’m so glad

Surely every family has their own special phrases, words that can be heard as the warp threads upon which the fabric of our lives are woven.

One of our special phrases is “I’m so glad.”

I’m so glad I’m married to you.

Whispered words as we linger ten more seconds in bed before rising to meet the demands of one or the other of our offspring. Words accompanied by a handsqueeze as we drive together to church. Words spoken in broken voices after a particularly emotional conversation (read: when one of us has hurt the other.)

I’m so glad God made me your mama.

Words said during sweet moments of snuggling. Repeated during bathtime or diaper changes. Reminders to myself as much as to them when my exasperation seems to know no bounds.

I’m so glad

An exclamation when I’m feeling glad. A reminder when I’m not. A reassurance to myself and to them. God has made us a family. And we are glad He has.

What are your family’s special phrases?


Getting to Know Ignatius

Ignatius was an early church father who was bishop of Antioch of Syria. We know of him from a collection of letters he wrote to various churches (and to Polycarp, the bishop of Smyrna) while enroute to Rome, where he expected to be martyred as a witness to Christ.

Ignatius’s letters follow a relatively predictable arc: Ignatius greets the church and writes them some encouragement before settling upon his primary message: the church must be unified in order that she can combat heresy.

For Ignatius, unity means complete submission to the bishop. Ignatius is a strong proponent of the monoepiscopacy, that is, of a single strong bishop as leader of the church in a specific area. Ignatius regards the bishop as analogous to Christ, the presbyters (also called elders) as analogous to the apostles, and the deacons as analogous to angels and the servants of the presbyters. Given this understanding of church governance, Ignatius’ insistence on unity with the bishop makes sense (even if it does grate on these Protestant ears!) However, it is important to note that Ignatius does not urge unity and submission to the bishop for its own sake. Ignatius’ primary goal is that the church remain free from apostasy and heresy – and he sees unity under a selected bishop as a way of attaining that. In his letter to the Ephesian church, Ignatius writes that the one who separates himself from “the bishop and the whole church” is “a wolf in sheep’s clothing, while he presents a mild outward appearance.”

Regarding the relationship of the church to the bishop, Ignatius writes:

“For your justly-renowned presbytery (church), being worthy of God, is fitted as exactly to the bishop as the strings are to the harp. Thus, being joined together in concord and harmonious love, of which Jesus Christ is the Captain and Guardian, do ye, man by man, become but one choir; so that, agreeing together in concord, and obtaining a perfect unity with God, ye may indeed be one in harmonious feeling with God the Father, and His beloved Son Jesus Christ our Lord.”

~Ignatius to the Ephesians

Ignatius was particularly concerned with two dueling heresies: the heresy of the Judaizers and the heresy of the Gnostics. The Judaizers insisted that Christian believers follow the Old Testament laws and become Jews in order to have salvation in Christ. The Gnostics argued that Jesus did not truly come in the flesh but only in the appearance of the flesh (called “docetism”).

Most of Ignatius’ arguments against docetism are propositional: “Now He suffered all these things for us; and He suffered them really, and not in appearance only…” (Ignatius to the Smyrnians) But some of Ignatius’ writings sing with praise for the salvation Jesus wrought through His humanity:

“Being incorporeal, He was in the body; being impassible, He was in a passible body; being immortal, He was in a mortal body; being life, He became subject to corruption, that He might free our souls from death and corruption, and heal them, and might restore them to health, when they were diseased with ungodliness and wicked lusts.”

~Ignatius to the Ephesians

(I had to look up “impassible” – and discovered that it means incapable of suffering pain. While Ignatius does not make this clear, it seems theologically correct that Jesus was physically impassible prior to his incarnation – but he was not incapable of suffering anguish in an emotional or “soulish” sense.)

In another letter, Ignatius speaks of the heretics thus:

“For they speak of Christ, not that they may preach Christ, but that they may reject Christ; and they speak of the law, not that they may establish the law, but that they may proclaim things contrary to it.”

~Ignatius to the Trallians

At other times, Ignatius channels the apostle Paul, proclaiming that if Christ only suffered in appearance, then Ignatius’ sufferings, imprisonment, and impending martyrdom are worthless (see 2 Corinthians 15).

In his letter to the Ephesians, Ignatius gave a test by which to distinguish false teachers. False teachers, Ignatius says, speak of their own accord and for their own glory, while God speaks as the Trinity (the Son does not speak of his own accord but what he hears from the Father, etc.) and for the glory of the Trinity (the Holy Spirit glorifies Christ, etc.)

While most of Ignatius’ letters to the churches focus on combating heresy and encouraging unity under the bishop, his letter to the Romans sharply departs from the norm. The letter to the Roman’s is almost entirely focused on one goal and one goal alone: the Roman church is not to seek to prevent Ignatius’ impending martyrdom, either through prayer or through legal means. Ignatius desires to be martyred as a testimony and wishes no one to stand in his way.

Another departure is Ignatius’ letter to a fellow bishop, Polycarp. This letter consists primarily of instructions to Polycarp and to Polycarp’s flock, with little to no discussion of pure doctrine. The letter to Polycarp is about orthopraxy rather than orthodoxy.

I’ve enjoyed reading Ignatius’ letters as part of my study of church history. As I alluded to above, I do not find myself in agreement with Polycarp’s monoepiscopacy – I believe the Scriptural pattern describes a plurality of elders who share responsibility for the body and to whom the pastor is accountable, rather than a single leader who bears responsibility and to whom the elders are accountable. On the other hand, reading Ignatius’ defenses of Christ’s humanity (in particular) has encouraged me to reflect upon the Incarnation and to better worship the Incarnate God.

Ignatius at a Glance
Date: ~35-108
Location: Antioch
Key theological points:

  • Arguments against Judaizers
  • Arguments against docetism
  • Defense of the monoepiscopacy

Key writings: Letters to a number of churches and to Polycarp

Resources:

  • Litfin, Bryan. Getting to Know the Church Fathers. Chapter 1: Ignatius of Antioch
  • Schaff, Philip. Ante-Nicene Fathers. Volume 1 (available at the Christian Classics Ethereal Library)

Books of Action Rhymes

Maybe some people grew up knowing dozens of little hand plays – they learned them in preschool or at library story time or whatever.

I am not one of those people.

Furthermore, since my preemies aren’t supposed to spend time with other kids until they’re older, I can’t take my toddler to story time (lest my infant be exposed to kids). So I am stuck with books to learn those action rhymes – which is fine with me. Books are my preferred way of learning anyway.

I’ve checked out a few books of action rhymes, mostly as they come up in my reading of the “nursery rhyme” section – juvenile nonfiction Dewey Decimal 398.8, and am attempting to learn a few to share with Tirzah Mae.

Knock at the Door by Kay Chorao

Knock at the Door

A collection of 20 finger-plays conveniently organized with one or two per double-page spread. Each line of the finger-play is preceded by a small box illustrating the appropriate action. The illustrations are generally clear (or at least I was able to do something with them – whether or not it is correct is another story.) Best of all, the book also includes large illustrations of each rhyme – which means it’ll keep a child’s interest even if mama chooses not to do the finger-play (Guilty as charged – I’m working on it.)

Inside 'Knock at the Door'

Clap Your Hands: Finger Rhymes selected by Sarah Hayes, illustrated by Toni Goffe
A little over 20 finger-rhymes accompanied by illustrations of children performing the finger rhymes. Some of the illustrations make the actions perfectly clear, while others are decidedly less so. There are multiple rhymes to a page, making this less of a favorite for me than Chorao’s Knock at the Door.

Marc Brown’s Playtime Rhymes
Twenty finger plays and other action rhymes accompanied by small-box illustrations of each action and large illustrations depicting the content of the rhyme. While I detest Brown’s Arthur books, his illustrations in these classic rhymes are just fine. Some of these rhymes are more involved than others – but that’s okay. Each rhyme has its own double-page spread, which makes it easy to open up and just do one rhyme (not that I ever want to limit us to just one rhyme. *sarcasm*)

Playtime Rhymes for Little People by Clare Beaton

Playtime Rhymes for Little People

About 40 rhymes including familiar action rhymes (“Incy Wincy Spider” and “Head and Shoulders”) and unfamiliar ones, familiar songs (“The Wheels on the Bus” and “Here we Go round the mulberry bush”) and less familiar ones, and a range of “counting out” songs for selecting who’s “it” during playtime. Unlike several of the other collections I read, this does NOT include figures for how to “act out” the rhyme. Instead, instructions are given in italicized print at the bottom of the page. But, as with other Beaton titles, to focus on the text misses the highest point: Beaton’s lovely applique and embroidery illustrations. Oh how I long to make a collection of pieces in her style for our nursery! (But, time.)

Inside 'Playtime Rhymes for Little People'

Of the four collections reviewed here, I recommend either Knock at the Door or Marc Brown’s Playtime Rhymes for the mom seeking to learn new finger plays – and Playtime Rhymes for Little People for people who are interested in beautiful fabric art :-)


Reading Laura

This is February, which means it’s time to read Laura Ingalls Wilder along with Barbara H’s Laura Ingalls Wilder Reading Challenge.

But this February is no ordinary February.

Tomorrow, February 7th, Laura Ingalls Wilder will turn 150 years old!

And this month, I am introducing my daughter to Laura Ingalls Wilder for the very first time.

Tirzah Mae is two, which means she’s not quite ready to sit down for a full chapter of Laura with only minimal illustrations… but she’s at just the right stage for the “My First Little House books”, abridged from Little House in the Big Woods, Little House on the Prairie, and Farmer Boy and illustrated in the style of Garth Williams.

I intended to read one a day, but we read the first one and Tirzah Mae was hooked. She kept bringing me another and then another and another. Maybe it’s time to try the chapter books after all!

At any rate, the Little House books are the first books I remember binge reading and re-reading – and I’m delighted to be introducing my daughter to my own childhood friends!

Thanks, Barbara, for hosting this challenge – I intend to finish the rest of the “My First Little House Books” that my library offers and to write up my (and Tirzah Mae’s) thoughts at the end of the month.


Nightstand (January 2017)

It’s not every month that 5 Minutes for Books’s “Nightstand” falls on the last day of the month. It’s also not every month where I complete practically every book I’ve been working on by the end of the month, so as to start fresh for the next month. But since I’m trying to be super-disciplined to read at least one book in each of my five categories each month and since I’ve got to keep on top of my church history goal, I have completed everything I planned to read this month.

Louis and True Community

Books for Loving:

  • Paul: In Fresh Perspective by N.T. Wright
    A look at some of the themes of Paul’s writings (Creation and Covenant, Messiah and Apocalyptic, Gospel and Empire) and how Paul reworked traditional categories of Jewish thought (God, God’s people, and the future of God and His people.) I wrote a very few comments on this book in my post summarizing my first month studying church history.
  • True Community by Jerry Bridges
    A look at koinonia in Scripture and its implications for the Christian church of today. Highly readable, with excellent content. A lot to think about, a lot to grow into.

Louis and Growing Books

Books for Growing:

  • Spiritually Parenting Your Preschooler by C. Hope Flinchbaugh
    A quite readable and occasionally helpful little volume for Christian parents. I wish I could recommend it because it reads so nicely for a busy mom. Unfortunately, Flinchbaugh’s Word-of-Faith style charismatic-ism infuses so much that it’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. (Full disclosure: I was raised charismatic and am a continuationist; I had experiences with Word-of-Faith type teachings in my early teen years and find several of that movement’s tenets to be unbiblical and unhelpful.)
  • Honey for a Child’s Heart by Gladys Hunt
    Just about every guest of the Read-Aloud Revival podcast recommends this book. But since it wasn’t at my branch of the local library and since I assumed that it was just another book-list book (albeit from a Christian perspective), I wasn’t in any hurry to get it. But when I saw it on the shelf at my church’s library, I decided I’d at least figure out what the buzz was. What I found was so much more than a booklist. This is a full-figured book about nurturing children through books and poetry. I haven’t started going through the bibliography yet (so I can’t really comment on Hunt’s booklist!), but the book itself is an excellent encouragement for Christian parents to share beautiful books with their children.
  • As They Grow: Your Two-Year-Old by Diane O’Connell
    I didn’t have particularly high expectations of this book “by the editors of Parents magazine” – but I was in for a wonderful surprise. This book gives a fairly comprehensive look at what a child experiences in his twos, along with how parents can support and train their children through the twos. While I have a few points of difference with the authors (for example, they are anti-spanking and are concerned that children might learn gender roles if their mother does the housework while their father does the car maintenance), I generally found the advice to be common sense and helpful. I’m planning on skimming through this again and taking some notes so I can implement some of the strategies found within.

Louis and church history

Books for Knowing:

  • Church History in Plain Language by Bruce L. Shelley
    I read the first section (2 chapters long) on the “Age of Jesus and the Apostles” as the spine for my first month’s study of Church History. I’m glad I chose this as a spine. It’s easy to read and has just enough detail to allow me to take tangents for further study, without getting me bogged down as I’m reading.
  • Great People of the Bible and How They Lived by Reader’s Digest
    I read the New Testament section of this volume and found it an excellent resource to understand the stories of the New Testament in their historical context. If you’d like to read more, I wrote some comments on this book and the one above in my post summarizing my first month studying church history.

Louis and my kindle

Books for Seeing:

  • Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw
    A re-read for my book club. I thoroughly enjoyed this the first time through (enough that I recommended it for book club!) and enjoyed it even more the second time. I especially enjoyed how preparing to lead discussion encouraged me to ask questions of myself as I read.
  • The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
    The compelling story of a man who seeks to give his sin nature absolute freedom – and discovers that this is not freedom at all. You can read my full review here.

Louis and Georgette Heyer

Books for Enjoying:

  • Friday’s Child by Georgette Heyer
    A bit of an unusual romance (since the main characters get married in the first couple chapters of the book) and a bit predictable from there on out (spoiler alert: they fall in love). But the inevitability of the two characters falling in love didn’t make this story of a completely innocent girl and her frivolous husband any less fun. A good part of the fun is the strong supporting roles the hero’s best friends serve as they attempt to turn his callow bride into a respectable lady.

Tirzah Mae and what

Up Next:

  • Church History in Plain Language by Bruce L. Shelley
    Section 2: “The Age of Catholic Christianity”
  • Getting to Know the Church Fathers by Brian Litfin
  • The Epistles of St. Ignatius
  • The Early Christians in their own words edited by Eberhard Arnold
  • Early Christian Church by J.G. Davies
  • Against Heretics and Against Marcion by Tertullian
  • The Gospel of Thomas
  • Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink
  • Boys in the Boatby Daniel James Brown
  • Success as a Foster Parent by the National Foster Parent Association with Rachel Greene Baldino
  • The Pearl by John Steinbeck
  • The Emperor of Nihon-Ja by John Flanagan

I’m also planning on reading as many “My First Little House” books as I can find at our library to Tirzah Mae in celebration of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s 150th birthday and Barbara H’s Laura Ingalls Wilder Reading Challenge.

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

What's on Your Nightstand?


Church History: The Age of Jesus and the Apostles

This year’s main spiritual goal is to “grow theologically through a study of church history”. To that end, I’m using Bruce L. Shelley’s Church History in Plain Language as a spine and reading original sources and biographies to supplement my study. This month’s section was “The Age of Jesus and the Apostles, 6 BC – AD 70.” In other words, the New Testament Age. Because I am already relatively familiar with this stage of church history, this was an easy month. I read Matthew, Acts, and Ephesians as my original sources and selected two books on Paul from my local library (only one of which I finished, as seen below.) I also found one of Shelley’s recommended readings at my library and read that.

Core Reading: Church History in Plain Language
The two chapters on “The Age of Jesus and the Apostles” are easy reading. They summarize the narrative portions of the New Testament, giving some historical details drawn heavily from the below-mentioned Great People of the Bible and How They Lived.

Supplemental Reading:

Great People of the Bible and How They Lived by Reader’s Digest
Bruce included this work in his recommended readings for this section – and I’m glad he did. I’ve only read the New Testament section (so far), but I’ve found this to be a highly readable retelling of the narrative of the New Testament with appropriate historical details added in text and with photographs and illustrations. Given that this is a secular work, I would have expected significant skepticism about the words and works of Christ, as well as how the apostles interpreted said words and works – but this is not a skeptical work. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I especially enjoyed the discussion of temple politics and the divisions between the Pharisees and Sadducees and the discussion of the divisions between the Jerusalem Jews and the Hellenists. Another thing I’d never thought of was how the locus of ministry in the New Testament shifts from Galilee (during Jesus’ early ministry) to Jerusalem (during Jesus’ late ministry and the apostles’ early ministry) to Antioch (from which Paul and Barnabas’s missionary journeys were launched.)

Paul: In Fresh Perspective by N.T. Wright

This is a small but dense work edited from some lectures Wright gave at Cambridge University. I found it difficult to find time to read it because it required my full attention (something in short supply!) to get Wright’s points. Nevertheless, I am glad I read this. Some points I found useful:

  • Wright points out Paul’s consistent use of the word “Christ”, which we tend to think of as little more than Jesus’ surname, but which conveyed quite a bit more in Paul’s Jewish context. Specifically, Paul was consistently pointing to Jesus’ messianic role – what Wright calls an “apocalyptic” context. Wright discusses some of the expectations the Jews of Paul’s time would have had surrounding the term “Christ” and what that would have meant to them. To remind myself of this context, I’ve been mentally substituting “The Promised Messiah and Savior” whenever I read “Christ” in the New Testament.
  • Occasionally, I hear the cross in the Roman world compared to an electric chair – “You’d never hang an electric chair around your neck.” But Wright points out that the cross was not simply a means by which Rome carried out executions. It was a symbol of Rome’s might, particularly its power over conquered peoples. The cross represented the power of Rome to kill those who oppose. Yet the subversive nature of the gospel stated that the cross represents the power, not of Rome but of God, not to kill but to save.

Paul: The Mind of the Apostle by A.N. Wilson

I gave this book up after 50 pages, having grown tired of passages like this:

“If readers of the New Testament choose to believe that Paul never set eyes on Jesus and that he had no psychological interest or compulsion to inspire him throughout the thirty years in which he preached Jesus Christ Crucified other than the testimony of the friends of Jesus, whom he had barely met, then that reader is entitled to his or her point of view.”

I understand that not all biographers of Biblical persons consider the Bible to be the authoritative word of God – but I’d prefer not to represented by a straw man. Only a reader of the New Testament who is determined to disbelieve it will assume Paul’s reason for believing was “the testimony of the friends of Jesus whom he had barely met.” Scripture plainly states in Acts 9 and 22 that Paul’s reason for his “obsession” with Jesus was a personal encounter with the risen Christ on the road to Damascus. Call the Damascus road experience a hallucination if you like, but don’t pretend that the Bible gives no explanation for Paul’s zeal.


The Christian and Clinical Depression or Anxiety

In recent years, I’ve seen an increasing number of articles for a Christian audience about clinical depression and anxiety. Most have sought to explain why “just get over it” is unhelpful advice (amazing that needs explanation!) and why having clinical depression or anxiety does not mean that one is unspiritual. More than a few have derided the use of Philippians 4:6 “Be anxious for nothing” or Psalm 42/43 “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God” when talking to someone who is experiencing clinical anxiety or depression. These articles have served a necessary role of educating believers on the psychological conditions many believers suffer with. They have helped believers become more understanding of the multifaceted aspects of anxiety and depression. They have hopefully helped believers understand the benefits of physical and pharmaceutical approaches to managing depression and anxiety.

But I fear these articles have had an unintended (at least I hope it’s unintended) consequence of allowing believers suffering from clinical depression and anxiety to justify disobedience to God.

Now, lest anyone mistake what I am saying, I am not saying that using medication, talk therapy, or a variety of stress management techniques is being disobedient to Christ. I use medication, light therapy, and a variety of lifestyle management techniques to manage seasonal affective disorder and have used medication and lifestyle management techniques to deal with bouts of major depression. I do this with a clear conscience, seeing no Biblical evidence that using these tools to manage my depression is wrong.

But I fear we can easily take the leap from “clinical depression and anxiety are biological with biological cures” to “clinical depression and anxiety are biological therefore I don’t need to be obedient to God’s commands regarding my thoughts and attitudes.

This, friends, is a lie from the pit of hell.

Just as a broken leg doesn’t exempt us from our call to “not neglect to meet together” (Heb 10:25), even though it makes assembling with other believers more difficult, neither does depression or anxiety exempt us from our call to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor 10:5), even though it does mean that there are perhaps more and more persistent thoughts to take captive.

You may need more than just taking thoughts captive to help you manage clinical depression and anxiety, but you certainly don’t need less.

When I am in the throes of depression, my thoughts often take a terrible turn. I contemplate my lack of energy and think “I’m worthless, I never get anything done.” I contemplate my seclusion and think “No one loves me.” I contemplate my thoughts and think “I’ll never be free of this depression.”

But I must not allow these thoughts to take over my mind. As fast as the arrows may volley forth, I must not surrender to them. Instead, I must take them captive to obey Christ.

When my thoughts say “You’re worthless. You never get anything done.”, I reply “My worth is not dependent on my accomplishments but on Christ’s, for ‘God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved [me] even when [I was] dead in [my] trespasses, made [me] alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5).'”

When my thoughts say “No one love you”, I reply “but God shows his love for [me] in that while [I was] still [a sinner], Christ died for me. (Rom 5:8)”

When my thoughts say “I’ll never be free of this depression”, I reply “Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Rom 7:24-25)”

Most of all, when depression turns all my thoughts inward – to myself, to my own shortcomings – I must turn my face resolutely toward God. I must say with the psalmist:

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”
~Psalm 42:11 (ESV)

For those of you who suffer from clinical anxiety, this does not negate your call to “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Phil 4:6)” It probably means you have a lot more anxieties and requests to make known to God than I have, but just because it’s harder for you to be obedient doesn’t mean that you’re excused from that call.

Now, are you starting to feel like I’m bullying you? Placing a burden on you too hard to bear? Are you feeling the need to escape to one of those articles about the biological basis of anxiety and depression?

At various times in the midst of depression, I would be tempted to feel that. But this is not bullying or a burden.

Have you ever heard of cognitive-behavioral therapy? It’s the best proven form of therapy for anxiety and depression. And you know what it is, basically? It’s identifying untrue thoughts and unhelpful actions that contribute to anxiety and depression and replacing them with true thoughts and helpful actions.

You know what that sounds like to me?

“Take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience.” (2 Cor 10:5-6)

So to you, dear sister or brother who suffers from clinical depression, take every physical means necessary to deal with your condition. Take the medicine, go to therapy, get your rest, exercise, do any one of the myriad of things that can help you manage. But do not neglect to take your thoughts captive. Do not neglect to turn your eyes to Christ.


Parenting: Providing Anticipatory Guidance

It didn’t matter how many times I told her not to. She bit the fluoride dropper every time I put it into her mouth.

I’d draw up some fluoride, squeeze the excess out until I had the prescribed 0.5 mL, and insert the dropper into her mouth. She’d clamp the dropper between her teeth and grin at me as I tried to extricate the dropper. “This is not funny, Tirzah Mae,” I’d say, “this is disobedient. You should not bite the dropper.” My frustration level to rose higher and higher as the days went on – and so did Tirzah Mae’s sense that this was a marvelous game.

And then, one day, I suddenly knew exactly what I needed to do.

I needed to give some anticipatory guidance.

Holding hands with Mama

What is anticipatory guidance?

According to yourpediatrician.com:

“‘Anticipatory Guidance’ is a common term in the field of general pediatrics. It refers to providing education to parents about what to expect, or anticipate, over the next few months or years with your child. Recommendations are specific to a child’s age at the time of a visit.”

Our family doctor’s anticipatory guidance involves reminding me to childproof the house at the 6 month visit, since my little one is likely to soon become mobile. Our doctor is letting us know what to expect and what to do.

In the same way, my anticipatory guidance for Tirzah Mae meant telling her what was coming and what I expected of her.

In the above scenario, that meant I’d tell her something like this: “Okay, Tirzah Mae. Mama’s going to give you some fluoride. Now, I don’t want you to bite the dropper.” In this way, she knew exactly how I expected her to behave (or to not behave). If she followed my instructions, I’d praise her: “Thank you for being obedient, Tirzah Mae.” If she disobeyed my instructions, I’d put on my sad face and say “Oh, Tirzah Mae, you’ve been disobedient. Now mama will have to punish you.” And I’d administer whichever punishment was currently the order of the day.

And, as time went by, she learned what I expected and I no longer needed to give anticipatory guidance for the fluoride drops.

Holding her own hands

Now, it’s other things. As I see the pastor or elder making his way to the pulpit for the call to worship on Sunday morning, I explain to Tirzah Mae: “See how Mr. Dave is coming to the pulpit? He’s going to read to us from the Bible and then pray. I want you to be quiet and stand next to mama while he does that.” Or as I get ready to take Tirzah Mae out of her car seat, I’ll explain: “We’re going to go into ALDI, but I want you to hold mama’s hand the whole time we’re in the parking lot, until I put you in the cart.”

It doesn’t mean Tirzah Mae obeys every time, or that we never have struggles, but because I’ve articulated my expectations in advance, I’m able to respond to her actions more calmly rather than reacting in frustration. Because I know that she knows what I expect of her, I need not waffle about punishing her when she disobeys for fear that she’d forgotten my instructions. And the disobedience occurs less and less. In fact, she even begins to anticipate my guidance and say so herself.

She reaches out her hand to grab something from the shelf in the gas station but stops herself just in time. “Fold your hands,” she instructs herself, repeating my guidance. “We’re going to go into the gas station, but I want you to keep your hands folded and not touch anything.”

Anticipatory guidance. It works for us.