Agents of Grace

I wonder what you thought you were doing when you sang the chorus that impressed me with wonder at God’s reign.

Performing, probably–

But you were an agent of grace to me.

I wonder what you thought as you wrote the books that touched my heart, stimulated my mind, moved me to give glory to God.

Perhaps you longed for greatness or for self-expression–

But you were an agent of grace to me.

I wonder what you thought as you debated the Constitution that would make me a free woman in a free land.

Maybe you had mighty ideals of how a country should be ruled–

But you were an agent of grace to me.

I wonder what you thought as you passed my resume along after a teal-suited interview.

Were you just doing a favor?–

But you were an agent of grace to me.

I wonder what you thought as you built the road that transports me safely to Grand Island and back.

Maybe you were just getting the job done–

But you were an agent of grace to me.

Common grace, bestowed freely
The grace unexplained
Wielded through conduits unsuspecting

Unbelievers, agents of God’s grace to me.

Snapshot: Conservative Casual

My little sister texted me this Friday afternoon to ask if she could hitch a ride to our church’s ladies retreat.

Then she asked what she was supposed to bring.

I checked the informational piece I’d been given and saw that the dress was “Conservative casual.”

Now I know how to do business casual–but I’m not exactly sure what conservative casual means. So Grace and I decided to play it safe:

Grace and Rebekah dressed in long skirts

Long skirts make for conservative, T-shirts for casual, right?

(Just for the record, these were on over our normal garb–school clothes for Grace and work clothes for me. I brought some casual-ish corduroys to wear with my fitted knit top on Saturday.)


Luckiest girl on earth

If I said I was the luckiest girl on earth, I wouldn’t be the first to say so. But that doesn’t change my general sense that I am indeed the luckiest girl on earth. And why might I be so lucky? What happy occasion heralds this joyous exclamation?

I began to realize it last night, when I told my family that it was official: Love Memorial Hall and AGN will be doing a bike-a-thon to raise money for Cedars Youth Services. We will be riding our bikes to the Missouri game on October 22. I mentioned that I should probably bring my bike back to the hall and start doing some serious riding before then. My mom told me that she’d gone out and gotten me a new inner tube for my bike as soon as she’d heard that I was possibly going to participate. My old tube was leaking around the stem and couldn’t be patched. My little brother Timothy put it on for me. But not only did he replace my inner tube, Timothy also prevented me from taking the bike back to the hall until he had adjusted the brakes so that they wouldn’t rub.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I have a family like no other. My sister offered to take me back to the hall in her new car, but took a bit of a circuitous route. First she dropped by Walmart to get me all of my little necessities–tissues, printer paper, deoderant. And not only that, she ran me by Wendy’s and got me a sandwich and a Frosty. What have I done to deserve my sister’s lavish gifts? Nothing. She works her butt off between going to school and her job as a Diet Tech, and I enjoy the fruits of her labours.

I’m the luckiest girl because for a seventh grade research paper, my dad brought me to UNL’s Love library. It was a research paper-why not go to a research library? He believed I could understand what I read and I was determined to prove him right. We wandered the stacks at midnight, searching for just the right book. We walked the stairs with crisp turns, pretending we were nerds without needing to pretend. In sixth grade, he got a book on HTML and wrote up an announcement to post on our family bulletin board. “Wanted: Web Designer. Must have at least a fifth grade education. Will train. Send resumes to…” I sent my resume in and got the job. We skipped, hand in hand, in the SAMS club parking lot on our way to get milk for the family.

I’m the luckiest girl because my mom spent five hours adjusting the bodice for a pattern I just couldn’t get to fit. It was supposed to be a simple pattern, the design of the dress would be a cinch to sew. I hadn’t counted on the adjustments–Mom patiently walked me through them. When I was in second grade, she read us The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I loved it and always will. When my fish died and she found it before I did, she flushed it so I wouldn’t have to. And when my bike had a leaky inner tube, that I didn’t even know about, she bought me a new inner tube.

I’m the luckiest girl because my sister Anna, though I once thought she was my worst enemy, is my best friend. Out of the blue, she announced to me that she was paying my car’s registration–“After all, I think you might have paid mine last year.” She’s at home because she can’t afford the hall, so she buys me everything I need to be comfortable here. She came and cooked for me on my busy day–despite the fact that everyday is her busy day. She never lets me dwell on crushes. She protects me from my own mind. To paraphrase Colonel Fitzwilliam, she takes prodigiously good care of me.

I’m the luckiest girl because I caught my brother Joshua as we were crossing Cornhusker Highway on our bikes today–going the opposite direction. I waved and shouted, and he was a bit embarrassed. But he’s my brother and it’s okay. When he’s in the middle of a deep history conversation and I break in with a piddling contextual question, he patiently answers. He lets me read his stories, even though I’ve always been a hard critic. And he took on my dish job when I went away to college.

I’m the luckiest girl because I’m always trying to one up my brother Daniel at busyness. I go to school and do a thousand piddly things. He goes to high school and works almost thirty hours a week. But that doesn’t mean he’s too busy to drive me around while the gas prices continue to rise. He’s always trying to torque me off about women’s lib, but I know that he respects me as a woman and as his sister. He started to work out and dropped fifty pounds after he scared himself at 200 lbs. And he had the grace to let me come to the gym and spot for him–even though I’d never done it before. He let me buy him some jeans for Christmas last year–even when I insisted on them being European style. And he asks me for clothing advice. He actually thinks my opinion matters.

I’m the luckiest girl just because my brother John is alive and is my brother. Because he loves missions and is on our church’s mission team with me. Because he loves children and begged me to let him help out in the nursery–we work together so that he’s not a boy alone with them. He’s got more energy than anyone I know, and he never lets anything get him down. He loves people and he wants to do everything within his power to help them. He’s the only one of my siblings who doesn’t correct me when I sit down at the piano. And he actually begs me to cut his hair–even though I cut his ear the one time I tried.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I can talk to my brother Timothy about books. We started with Lemony Snicket, back when he hated to read. Now he’s begging me to read Eragon, because he thinks it’s the best thing in the world. We read Phantom of the Opera out loud together in three days. We discussed our melancholy over loving and hating Eric at the same time. Tim’s growing up and his voice is deepening, but he isn’t outgrowing his sister. He comes up to me at youth group and gives me a hug, tells me about his day. He’s gotten into fixing bikes recently, and wasn’t content until he’d gotten my seat to just the right height.

I’m the luckiest girl in the world because my little sister Grace spent the night with me on Saturday. She helped me prepare the Sunday school lesson, and tried to pick out what I wore. She asked my advice on the right kind of eyeshadow to get as her first makeup. She asked me if I thought Meg Cabot’s All-American Girl was appropriate for her. (It isn’t.) She asked me “What does eighties music sound like?” Grace sewed me a patchwork pillow that perfectly matches my decor, being careful that all the little people on the toile fabric pointed in the same direction. And she only glares at me but does no more when I call her Trixie for the thousandth time.

And that’s only my immediate family. I could go on for pages and pages about the rest as well. How my grandpa checked my antifreeze and gave me an extra jug before I came back down from their farm last spring break. How my grandma and my aunts and I always get into huge theological discussions every time we’re together. How my Aunt Martha-ma-ba took me for a drive and asked me why I was thinking about going into teaching. How my Aunt Lisa, new to the family, had my sister and me over for a week when we were eight or nine. How my Uncle Jim solemnly informed us not to drink the pickle juice out of the pickle jar until the pickles were all gone. How my Uncle Leo places coffee filters on the girls’ heads and suggests that we become Mennonite. How my Aunt Alice organized a family dance after we discovered that we enjoyed dancing together at my cousin’s wedding. Yes, I could go on forever, because I’m the luckiest girl in the world.


My Grace is Sufficient

The Scripture that never ceases to be on my mind: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (II Corinthians 12:9)

A test is coming up–“My grace is sufficient…for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I wonder whether that means I’ll fail in order to display my weakness, or pass in order to show God’s strength. I learn something I never wanted to know. Is it a test? Is it temptation? I want to know. “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

The problem with my questions is simple–Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” I cannot know the mind or purposes of God in the minute details I wish I knew. All I can know is the great mystery–God choosing to use my weakness to accomplish His glory.

I went on a whim to GreekSide last night. Chase Pettis said something that resonated with me. He mentioned the apparent contradiction in Psalm 43:3-5. The Psalmist starts off saying that God’s presence is his greatest delight–then turns around to say, “Why are you cast down, O my soul?” Chase said he identified with this passage as being part of the human condition–knowledge reaching from head to heart. I identify too.

Too often, this is the story of my life. Even this morning, I struggle with the paradox. I know that God is perfecting His plan in my life–but I fear to step out in obedience. I know that God will never allow me a temptation I can’t andle–but I despair in my situations. I can feel so close to God, but still a part of me resists His dwelling place. “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.”

Such an easy answer, yet so hard. Hope in God. Hope in God. What is hope? It is looking past the circumstances at the one great goal. It is seeing beyond the darkness and looking to the Light of the World. It is not giving in to despair, but seeing Christ as above all. Hope is recognizing who God is and placing your trust in Him.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul?…Hope in God.”

Teach me to hope, moment by moment.