Why am I single?

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the journey towards contentment in singleness has certainly been a long one for me (and one that’s still not quite over).

I’ve come to realize, though, over the course of the years, that part of my difficulty with contentment in singleness comes from an incorrect view of what singleness is and what it’s for.

You see, I’ve been prone to divide the world into two parts (as my statistics teacher would say) in a grid that looks something like this:

Marriage	Singleness
Good	Bad
First class	Second rate
God approves	God disapproves
Gift	Burden
Fun	Boring

Unfortunately, this worldview was supported by many of the things I saw around me–specifically in the way I saw single women being treated in the church. People threw parties for and fawned over the newly engaged woman, but completely ignored the single woman who just bought her first house. Single women might show up for a ladies meeting only to find that the topic was switched at the last minute to “Honoring our husbands”. Sermon illustrations assumed that everyone was either married or in their parent’s household. Single women became defined by a role, but had few relationships. One woman was the “Sunday school lady”. Another was “the overhead girl” (back in the olden days when we used overheads instead of computer projectors.) They were their role, and nobody seemed to care how they were doing–so long as they were still doing what they were supposed to do.

I never planned on being one of those women. I’d be married before I left college and wouldn’t have to worry about the singleness problem. Everybody agreed. My wifely resume was is :-) impressive. I was pretty, I was friendly, I was smart. I could cook, clean, and sew. I’d make a wonderful wife. And of course, I’d get married.

When my expected date of marriage arrived and passed (I’d decided on June 10, 2006 somewhere in middle school), I started to rethink. Maybe marriage wasn’t a guarantee. Maybe singleness would be a part of my story.

That’s when I started to look at what GOD says about singleness.

What I found surprised me.

They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Matthew 19:7-12

I’m sure I’d read this passage before, but this time, it truly blew me away. The disciples had just heard Jesus teaching on marriage and divorce and went “Whoa–that’s tough! Why, it’d be better to not marry if that’s true.” And Jesus pretty much says “You’re right–but not everybody can handle it (not marrying).”

Then He talks about three different circumstances in which one becomes an eunuch. Of course, becoming an eunuch and being single are a bit different–but the context of this passage (the disciples’ comment that “it is better not to marry”) leads me to believe that Jesus is not necessarily speaking only of physical emasculation but of the state of not marrying (being single). So, Jesus’ three circumstances for becoming an eunuch (or being single)–that way from birth, made that way by men, or become that way in order to serve God.

Some people are born with no desire to marry. They are born content in singleness, they have little desire to change that. I’m willing to bet that this is a minority. Some people have circumstances (either good or bad) that cause them to either desire to be single, or to be single despite a desire otherwise. And some people choose to be single (perhaps despite opportunity otherwise) in order to better serve God.

Okay. That’s not that weird, I guess. But Jesus’ last statement blows me away. “He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” Accept what? Accept being a eunuch, a celibate, a single.

I nearly dropped my jaw. Did He just say what I thought He said? He said that if I can be single, I should be single? He just agreed with the disciples that it’s better (or at any rate, good) not to marry?

Paul further challenged my view of singleness:

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I Corinthians 7:8-9

He says it’s GOOD for a woman not to marry. Really.

In relation to a specific (unknown) circumstance, Paul says:

Now concerning virgins: I have no commandment from the Lord; yet I give judgment as one whom the Lord in His mercy has made trustworthy. I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

I Corinthians 7:25-28

He says that given the current situation, it’s good for the unmarried to stay unmarried. It’s not sinful for them to marry–but it’ll spare them trouble if they don’t.

Hmm. That’s not the way I was wont to think of marriage and singleness. Singleness is less trouble?

That’s where the real challenge to my thinking comes in.

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.

I Corinthians 7:32-35

Paul speaks of the big difference between a single woman and a married woman. The single woman is free from distraction and is able to fully devote herself to God. The married woman is distracted–caring about the “things of the world”.

This picture of singleness and my picture of singleness didn’t jibe. God was calling singleness GOOD. He was APPROVING of singleness. He was saying that a single person could be MORE effective in His kingdom even than marriage.

I had to change my thinking about singleness. I had to reevaluate my assumption that singleness was a consolation prize for those who didn’t manage to “score” marriage.

I had to stop asking “Why am I not married?” and start asking “Why am I single?”

If God considers singleness good, and states that it can be a time of great effectiveness for the kingdom of God–then I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get serious about glorifying God as a single woman.

In yesterday’s post, Anna said: “I could waste time searching for that “perfect someone”, but I would miss out on the purpose God has for me today.” That couldn’t be more true. The truth is that God has me as a single woman at this time in my life and God has a purpose in everything He does. My job then, as a single woman, is to seek out God in this season–and to rejoice as He unfolds His purpose through my (single) life.