If Regency Romances are to be trusted, a woman who has reached her later years and is beyond reasonable hope of marriage is said to be “on the shelf.”
Accordingly, when I turned twenty-six a few weeks back, I resolved that I would have a shelf party–celebrating my status as one who is “on the shelf.”
It was a joke–but it wasn’t.
Unlike in Regency days, twenty-six is no longer a death knell to hopes of marriage.
Women have a longer shelf-life these days.
Better nutrition, better medical technology, more options for women–all of these mean a woman of twenty-six still has hope for husband and home. And even without husband, single women are not shelved. We can have careers, we can be independent, we can live lives of our own without .
I’ve taken full advantage of this freedom.
I have a career I enjoy, a home I love, a group of friends I delight to spend time with. I have a group of young girls who take great pleasure in coming to my home to craft and sew.
But all the fullness of my single life does not save me from feeling shelved–and feeling that my shelf-life is rapidly coming to a close.
I’ve dreamed of marriage, longed for a family, prayed for a husband for at least fifteen years.
After fifteen years, the hope begins to fade. The dream begins to feel like a pipe dream. The prayers take on a new dimension–desperation and resignation combined.
As much as I love my career, I would give it up in a heart-beat for the profession of my dreams: homeschool mother of a huge brood of children.
Yet my time feels short.
My mom had children about as quickly as you can have them–seven children in ten years. Even if I were to be married tomorrow, my ten years would put me past thirty-five–the age where pregnancy risks dramatically rise.
The much-longed for profession becomes less likely, more risky, with every month that passes. My body wearing out, my remaining years fewer.
The woman who only wants one or two has time at twenty-six. The woman who wants at least half a dozen–as I do–needs more time.
My expiration date looms, my shelf-life wearing down.
On the shelf.
Hope
expiring.
Honest post. (I was 26 when I got married. I wanted 4-6 children. Definitely not going to happen now. I think 3 is about doing me in and I’m not sure what my body can take. This particular pregnancy has worn my body out in so many ways -and I’ll be 33 this summer -that I’m not sure what another would do.) So I totally hear what you are saying. Most of my friends that I had growing up married at 18-20. So I felt shelved for quite some time and totally identify with your thoughts and feelings here. I was happy with my home, friends and career but like you I was so totally happy to ditch that all to be married.
I get so frustrated with Christian guys who have solid careers and plenty of pluck who can’t seem to settle down and focus on getting married. They enjoy their supposed “freedom” too much. We see this too often. Then I have friends and ladies like you that I know of who long to be married and raise families who are “sitting around” and …waiting. It drives me bonkers to see it happening. The longing for marriage and family runs deep! And it is a good thing. A godly thing to want. I’m tired of society (and even the church sometimes) pretending otherwise.
Thanks for you honest post. Happy Birthday too, btw. And I’m adding you to my list of singles to pray for! Because I think marriage is a lovely thing and I pray that God will bless that desire and fulfill it for you. Sooner, rather than later.
I don’t really have anything much to say, other than I pray that you will be encouraged during this time in your life. I married at 25 and had my first child at 30. This five year wait was intentional (or as intentional as it can be), and while I don’t really regret the years we waited for children, I wonder if we had started earlier if we would’ve had more than the three we currently have (and likely will have). I guess I’m just thinking through my fingers, more than anything. I just pray that you find peace in your circumstances.
Thanks so much for sharing your heart. I, too, pray that God will bless you with a Godly husband and a houseful of children.
However…I must say this…don’t feel too strongly that your time is running out. I know you know this, so I’m not telling you anything new…but there are plenty of examples of women who have had babies even during that “high risk” period of time after 35, and things went just fine for them. Jeff’s sister, for example, is 42, and is pregnant with twins! (Two boys, which will give them a total of four boys…must run in the family.) :) I’m sure you know of other examples where “older” women have been able to conceive and bear children with no major trouble.
It’s interesting that you posted this because I’m sitting here, two days away from turning 35, and pondering my own future in this area. You know how richly blessed I feel by my four sons, but I still wonder, “Will there be more?”
In your battle for contentment and trust, I’m right there with you, fighting for the same thing.
At the risk of sounding cheesy, I’ll leave you with the words of the old Michael W. Smith song: Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you… :)
But, dear friend, don’t give up on hope!