Remember that line from Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze (as Johnny) says: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”?
That’s what I feel like
…or maybe felt like.
Nobody puts Bekah on the shelf.
Yet, one way or another, that’s where I am.
Who put me here?
Was it the scads of young men (who must be out there somewhere) who have pursued careers or glory or other women while leaving me to gather dust on the shelf?
I want to blame them. Why do you choose all these other things and leave me behind when I want so much to be joined with someone–to pursue God’s glory together.
Or perhaps it was me, pursuing life and career and ministry to the fullest while living out this single life–leading the world to erroneously conclude that I did not want marriage?
I censure myself even as I wonder how I could have done things differently. If I had focused less on school. If I had shown a little less outward contentment with my single life. If I had pursued marriage with the same abandon that I pursued knowledge or even the girls that I ministered to.
But all these conjectures lead me to the One I must not censure, but often want to.
God.
God put me on this shelf.
If I believe that God is truly sovereign (which I do), I can come to no other conclusion.
Yes, the sinful (and righteous) actions of man (and myself) have contributed to the place where I am today.
But ultimately, I am where I am today because God willed it.
Therein lies my struggle.
I see the goodness of marriage “which is an honourable estate, instituted of God in the time of man’s innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church” (as the Book of Common Prayer declares.)
And I see the “not good-ness” of aloneness.
“It is not good that man should be alone.” Genesis 2:18
Yet the God who saw fit to make a helper suitable for Adam in the Garden, who instituted the honourable estate of marriage then, has not seen fit to make a helper suitable for me, has not seen fit to introduce me into said honourable estate.
How am I to reconcile the goodness of God with His withholding goodness from me? How am I to reconcile the goodness of God with His placing good desires in me, but withholding the good fulfillment of those desires?
This is my daily struggle as I sit here on the shelf.
I believe wholeheartedly that God is good. I believe wholeheartedly that He is sovereign.
But every day, as my desires and my reality clash, I am forced to again make peace with the God who is good but looks not. I am forced to make peace with the God who is sovereign but feels not.
I am forced to make peace with the God who has put me on the shelf.
For what it’s worth, I married at age 32, while allegedly on the shelf. And my husband is someone I had known all my life. New things can grow out of old things, and life can happen on the shelf.
Also true, but probably hard for you to really believe: you can feel on the shelf when married, too. I may be married (happily!), but I still share your struggle at times.
I was going to mention this on yesterday’s post, but the daughter of a friend of ours, who is also in her mid-20s and unmarried, says she’s “watering the camels” — like another Rebekah, serving at whatever came to hand until someone saw her heart and God’s leading in her actions and offered a proposal from Abraham for Isaac.
Something “on the shelf” has the connotation of being out of use and biding time, and that’s not you, Bekah. You’re making the best use of your time and serving the Lord joyfully.
I’ve always taken the verse “No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly” to mean that even though something might be good in itself, it might not be good for me at the moment, so God is being good by withholding it from me. He was good in the life of Amy Carmichael, Mary Slessor, Gladys Aylward to give them the ministries they had, which did not include marriage.
I’ve known people to get married at all ages and stages. I know God will give you grace for whatever He brings your way day by day as you seek Him.
I ditto everything Barbara said. You are definitely not sitting on Life’s shelf.
However, I know you have many gifts that you feel you’re not getting to put to use as a wife and a mother. But God will find outlets for all your gifts in one way or another.
I hear your pain nonetheless. Sitting here with a wedding band on my finger and a child in the room, I’d be foolish to say, “I understand what you feel.” But I can say I join you in praying for you to continue to make peace with the God who IS good but doesn’t always look so…
And as I’ve said often before, you are mature beyond your years. God is using that in you in more ways than you know.
All I can say is “ditto” to all that the wise women before me have said and send you a virtual hug. :-)
“But every day, as my desires and my reality clash, I am forced to again make peace with the God who is good but looks not. I am forced to make peace with the God who is sovereign but feels not.”
That is an AWESOME statement. I keep re-reading it. It kind of suits every aspect and season of life. I must constantly reconcile the fact (on an hourly basis these days) that God had a good nine month plan for growing babies although His design does NOT look so great to me right now. So there it is. Discontent and struggling to say, “You are good” even when He doesn’t feel so very good. Making peace. Submitting. Obeying. Trusting. Living for HIS glory and not my own.
And then, of course, ditto to what everyone else said above.
Does God say somewhere that being single is not “good?” Do we single people not also have a calling from God? I know you really want to be married and have children but, coming from a long single person, is it possible for you to be fulfilled without that, truly fulfilled, not just happy with life the way it is because that’s the way it is? Sometmes maybe we need to really reconcile ourselves to the reality of the answer being no before we can really move on. I’m not very good at saying things. I hope you get my drift. You know I love you and pray all your dreams come true.
Thank you for posting this. Your perspective on singleness is a great encouragement to me.
I loved this quote: “But every day, as my desires and my reality clash, I am forced to again make peace with the God who is good but looks not. I am forced to make peace with the God who is sovereign but feels not.”
I have to agree with all these ladies. Ruthie also brings out a good point. Doesn’t Paul say that it is good to stay unmarried… 1 Corinthians 7:8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.
1 Corinthians 7:34
and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
My daughter is not anxious to be married right now but her boyfriend of two years just broke up with her. (after she put him before the Lord.) It is the end of the world as far as she can see. But I will tell you the same thing I told her, God has a plan for you, and you must wait. His timing is not our timing. He knows what is best. I will be praying for you. You are a wonderful blessing and someday God will give you the desires of your heart!