My eight days of hospitalization prior to having Tirzah Mae were some of the longest days of my life.
So much of what I’d dreamed for in a birth experience was no longer an option. I couldn’t have a home birth. Couldn’t deliver at term. Couldn’t avoid monitors. Couldn’t labor with only my husband and my midwife to observe.
But I could still have a vaginal birth. I could still breastfeed.
I knew that I wanted those things. I made sure my caregivers knew I wanted those things.
Dr. Jensen knew that from the outset – I was one of the moms who seeks him out because he’s the rare type who is willing to care for women who make unconventional birth choices (choices like homebirth). He knew that I wanted normal birth – and only wanted to deviate from normal as absolutely necessary.
But the nurses and residents and even Dr. Wolfe (our excellent maternal-fetal specialist) needed me to tell them what I wanted. And so I did.
I don’t remember most of the reactions, most of the conversations I had with various health professionals regarding our desires – but I do remember two in particular.
One nurse, on hearing that I still wanted a vaginal birth, recounted the story of a young mom with preeclampsia who’d wanted the same thing.
“[The laboring woman’s] mom was really into the Bradley method – and, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at the beginning how into it the girl really was. I doubted she’d make it. But she labored hard and was a real trouper. She had to have the monitors and such but she was squatting and working at it – and she had her baby vaginally. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”
A second nurse, when I told of my intentions to breastfeed, encouraged me that breastfeeding was wonderful for me and for baby. She told me that it could be hard work but that it was worth it. And she reassured me:
“And if you don’t make enough, it’s okay to supplement too.” She told her own story of struggling and needing to supplement.
As it turned out, I didn’t have a beautiful Bradley pre-eclamptic vaginal delivery. I was given a spinal block and covered in drapes, my abdomen and uterus were cut and my baby lifted out of my womb by gloved hands. It was far from the delivery I’d desired or the beautiful picture my nurse had painted. But I was so glad that nurse had told me her story. It gave me hope for a vaginal delivery, sure – for the vaginal delivery that didn’t happen. But more than that, it told me that she was rooting for me. She wanted me to achieve my desires. She wanted a beautiful delivery for me – and believed it was possible. And for that I am thankful.
Also as it turned out, I never had problems with breastmilk supply. Due in part to genetics and in part to supply-promoting practices, I had what one NICU nurse called “enough milk to feed Wichita”. So the second nurse’s reassurances ended up not being needed. Maybe that’s why I look on her reassurances with such distaste.
I knew then (and know now) what her intent was in providing that reassurance. Many mothers of preemies do have difficulties with supply – and it’s not the end of the world when a baby receives formula. Mothers who have done all they can and still can’t produce enough needn’t feel guilty that their child receives formula. This is true. But I didn’t want reassurances in case yet another something went wrong with my experience – I wanted someone to say that they were on my side, that they wanted for me and my baby what I wanted for me and my baby AND that they believed it was possible.
I didn’t want reassurances. I wanted someone to root for me.
I realize that when I recount stories like this, I might give you the impression that some of the nurses were bad nurses. The nurse who reassured me, the nurse who gave me a nipple shield (and yes, I recognize that cursing her is a sin – and have repented of that sin). Both were excellent nurses in many respects. I recount the difficult parts because those are the parts that I’ve had to struggle through – but these women also did and said many things that kept me from having to struggle through countless other difficulties. I am immensely thankful for these devoted nurses.