There are a couple of families of my ilk at the ALDI I frequent.
Frugal women with long hair, wearing skirts and with children in tow.
I silently appraise them, count their children (oh, yes I do!), and note all the daughters also in skirts. I sort through the possible categories in my mind. Gothardite/ATI. Biblical patriarchy. Quiverful. Every category I try to place them in has negative connotations in my mind – but every time I see them, I smile. These are people like me.
I see them silently appraising me. Mentally calculating. Am I one of them? I have the hair, the skirts, the frugality. But only one child at my age? And the skirts that show my knees? Occasionally, a bra strap peeking out? I am a woman not like them.
When I see these women, I assume that they love children and family. I assume that they haven’t bought into our culture’s maxim that children are too expensive. I assume that they love their husbands and submit to them. I assume that they think there are differences between men and women and that femininity is something to be appreciated. I assume that they are like me.
When I see these women, I assume that they don’t use birth control, that they went straight from their fathers’ homes to their husbands’. I assume that they think that femininity means always wearing skirts and modesty means making those skirts long. I assume that they’re not like me.
Every time I see them, I rejoice to find women like me. Every time I see them, I sorrow that even in this I have found women not like me.
I very clearly don’t belong to mainstream mommy culture – my values, beliefs, opinions, and practices are frequently in opposition to theirs. I feel a great kinship with these women I see in the grocery store, these women who are so counterculture.
I wish I could be a part of them. Not because I want to take up the things they believe and do that I do not – but because I want to be a part of their group. I want to have friends, even just A friend who feels like I do or acts like I do.
I’ve probably seen her before, the woman who was in front of me in line with her two little girls. We’ve probably appraised each other before. But this time, after the appraisal, she turned to me and struck up a little conversation – the small talk we have in stores, about leaving our reusable shopping bags at home in a neat pile. It was ordinary and extraordinary.
And it made my heart yearn, like running into these women so like me and not like me often does. It made me yearn for a friend.
It’s hard, I agree.
Polaris is about to start a new mom support group. I think you would be a big asset to the group! We are all different, and my hope is that we can provide support to each other as sisters in Christ even though we have all made different choices. I will get you more info when I have it
I should add that we are planning on doing it as a community outreach. You in no way have to be a part of Polaris to come hang out :). My hope is that we will have people from quite a few different churches and backgrounds.
Thanks, Taylor – I’m definitely interested in learning more and joining y’all as I have opportunity!
Yep. I feel very torn with these ladies. I wish my life had been what their’s appears to be. I wear jeans most of the time but I enjoy my skirts too! I often feel judged by them for not being like them… if they only knew my heart and i theirs.
I understand every word of this completely. Only I’m more of a jean wearer than a skirt wearer. (When I’m not a pajama wearer, really.)
But the heart of this is something I completely understand. They are like me. But then not. I prayed for 8 years for a friend before I found one (as an adult mother) who I could identify with and belong with/to. She is a gift!
In all the years I’ve been married (35), though I’ve had many ladies I would call friends, I’ve only had two that I would say were what Anne of Green Gables would call “bosom friends.” Even then we didn’t agree point for point on every single thing, but we probably did on most things. It’s nice to be with someone more or less on the same wave length. I haven’t really had a chance to develop that kind of friendship since we’ve moved here. In some ways I miss it – in other ways I don’t know how I’d fit a more intense social interaction in right now with great-grandma and grandson in our lives. There have been times I have prayed for and ached for such a friend – maybe I should still pray for the Lord’s will and direction in this. Maybe I need it but don’t realize it.