Tirzah Mae generally does an excellent job of only writing with her markers on paper.
With one exception.
She loves to draw on herself.
Like a week ago, when she put on some eye “makeup”.
Parenting
Must Christians Homeschool?
After listening to R.C. Sproul, Jr’s audio series Training Up Children”, I am quite sure of what Dr. Sproul Jr’s answer to that question is. I am also quite certain that I disagree.
First, Dr. Sproul’s position.
Dr. Sproul began in Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (an excellent place to start when discussing a parent’s responsibility toward their children, by the way.)
“And these words that I command you today shall be on your hearts. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
~Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (ESV – Emphasis mine)
Dr. Sproul (quite rightly) extrapolates from verse 7 (bold above) that parents should speak of God to their children throughout the course of their lives, not just during a time of formal devotions or family worship. From here, he takes a giant leap to say that parents must homeschool their children in order to be with them at all times.
This, I believe, is an inappropriate conclusion to draw from this passage.
This passage clearly speaks to the important role God intends His word to play in the lives of his people. God expects that His word be not merely external to His people but internal (“shall be on your hearts”.) God expects that parents will diligently teach His word to their children, not merely as formal instruction but as part of the everyday-ness of life. God expects that His word be always before His people (bind on hands, between eyes, on doorposts and gates.)
What this passage does not speak to is whether parents and children should always be together.
As a thought experiment, let’s explore whether one can be obedient to Deuteronomy 6:7 while sending their children to a “state school” (Sproul’s term). We’ll start with the various contexts in which parents ought to talk to their children about God’s word.
“When you sit in your house.” Do parents of children in a state school sit with their children? It depends. Do they eat meals with their children? Do they sit in the living room together after supper? Do they sit together in a car? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents sitting with their children.
“When you walk by the way.” Do parents of children in school drive their children about? Do they walk or ride bicycles about? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents from traveling with their children.
“When you lie down and when you rise up.” Do parents of children in school put their children to bed (or send them to bed, depending on their age)? Do they wake their children up or see them when they wake up? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents from being with their children during bedtime or wakening.
Interestingly, although a majority of Israelites of the day would have engaged in some sort of agricultural activity, God does not say that parents ought to talk to their children about God’s law while milking the cows or tending the sheep or collecting manna. Nor does he say that craftspeople ought to talk to their children while sewing, weaving, or throwing pots, despite the reality that many crafts were done as a family. Instead, this passage refers to everyday activities that parents and children are likely to share regardless of profession or position or socioeconomic class. And even if parents and children don’t do them together, every person on the face of the planet sits down, moves around, goes to sleep, and wakes up. And every person on the face of the earth does these things regularly.
What this passage has to say about parents’ obligation to train their children in God’s word is simply this: Parents ought to diligently and regularly speak to their children about God’s word in the course of everyday life.
Dr. Sproul thinks that Deuteronomy 6 insists that parents be with their children all day every day homeschooling them. He allows that there will be some delegation – for example, his son was going on a trip to the zoo with Dr. Sproul Jr’s mother and sister while Dr. Sproul was giving one presentation – but he denies that sending one’s children to school is an acceptable form of delegation. I have two problems with this. First, as I argued above, I believe that Dr. Sproul twists this passage to imply a necessity of parents and children being together at all times. Second, if Dr. Sproul’s interpretation of this passage’s implications is indeed true and parents must be with their children at all times speaking to them about the word of God, then I see no reason why “delegating” to the children’s grandmother and aunt is an acceptable exception.
This is not to say that there are not significant advantages to homeschooling. This is not to say that some parents may discover that homeschooling is the best way for them to diligently teach their children the word of God. But homeschooling is not necessary.
Let us not put burdens on the believer that God does not.
Must Christians homeschool their children?
No, they need not.
Baby Hacks: Tummy Time and Cloth Diapering
We all know by now that the only thing better than sustained tummy time is frequent tummy time. But who has time and energy for that?
It’s enough work to feed (breastfeeding and pumping and bottle warming, oh my!) and diaper (change, rinse, wash, no-time-to-fold, and repeat) and clothe (spit-up, blow-outs, and big-sister-drool) your baby without having to remember to put baby on the floor on his tummy multiple times a day (supervised – don’t forget that tummy time should ALWAYS be supervised [Sarcasm alert].)
But you can’t do tummy time when baby is hungry (read: half of the day) because then by the time you get around to feeding he’ll be too frustrated to latch well. And you can’t do tummy time right after feeding (read: the other half of the day) because then he’ll spit up everything you just fed him (anyone else need to keep their babies upright practically until the next feeding to avoid the dreaded mouth-nose-gasping-for-air-and-crying-like-he’s-dying-whenever-he-does-get-a-breath-spit-up?)
Getting frequent tummy time in is almost impossible.
Or is it?
Our solution is to turn unavoidable “can’t be on mama” time into tummy time.
I use a washable throw rug in our bathroom (actually, it’s two vintage bath towels sewn together to double thickness). After diapering, when I’m rinsing those cloth diapers, I lay Louis on the rug with a clean burp rag under his head.
Voila.
At least 4 or 5 (if not 8 or 9) little tummy times every day.
Lazy Parenting: Help with Housework
“Training your child to help around the house will make the job harder now; but it’ll pay off down the road.”
It’s such common advice, it’s become something of a parenting axiom.
The implication is that lazy parents avoid doing the hard work of parenting – that is, training their children in the way they should go – and end up with more pain and work in the future when their children haven’t been trained to do x or y (or to have z or a character traits).
The axiom tells parents to do the hard work of including their children in housework now so that they can offload some of the housework to their children later. Or, less cynically, parents should do the hard work of including their children in housework now so that their children can be responsible for themselves as they grow into adulthood.
The training task of parenthood is often hard – which is why people find it necessary to remind parents to do the hard work now that will pay off down the road.
But I contend that, at least for toddlers, involving your children in housework does NOT make the job harder now. Involving your toddler in housework can pay off in the here and now – not just down the road.
Now, you are probably thinking “Have you seen how much longer it takes to [insert chore here] when my toddler ‘helps’?”
Yes, I get what you’re saying. My toddler tends to smear food around the chairs when she wipes them, which means I have to re-wipe them. My toddler drops the dustpan before she’s emptied it, which means I have to re-sweep a section of the floor. My toddler puts things in the wrong places when she’s picking up, which means I have to re-sort everything multiple times.
Doing a task with my toddler takes 1.5 to 2 times longer than doing a task myself.
But have YOU seen how much extra work my toddler can create when I let her play independently (not right next to me) while I’m cleaning up?
While I’m saving five minutes by cleaning up after lunch without her help, she’s creating ten minutes worth of work in the living room, bathroom, and bedroom.
The reality is, involving your child in your work right now will have benefits both in the future and in the present.
So, if you want to be a really lazy parent, involve your child in housework now.
Note to Self: Distracted Parenting
Have you ever noticed, Rebekah, how distracted you can be?
You get up to do one thing and find a half dozen other things to do along the way, such that you sometimes forget what you were aiming to do in the first place.
Sometimes this isn’t a problem.
Many times this isn’t a problem.
Even if you forget your original intent, it’s rarely urgent and will usually get done eventually – and the half dozen little other things need to be done sometime. Now is as good a time as any.
But there are times when this distraction is a problem.
“Come here, Tirzah Mae,” you say. “We’re going to change your diaper.”
And then you notice the toy on the floor that belongs in the nursery and the socks that belong in the hamper in your bedroom. You pick them up and take them to their appropriate spots.
Returning to the living room, you repeat your plea: “Come here, Tirzah Mae. We’re going to change your diaper.”
But on the way into the bathroom to wet her wipes you realize your water bottle is empty so you grab it to refill it.
And so on and so forth.
Tirzah Mae learns that when Mama says “Come here, Tirzah Mae”, Mama really doesn’t mean it. When Mama says “We’re going to change your diaper”, she doesn’t mean right now.
She learns to ignore your directions until you come and get her. She learns that Mama isn’t serious about changing the diaper until Mama picks her up and carries her off to the nursery.
Your distraction is training her to ignore you.
And that is NOT good.
So try this, Rebekah.
Stand by the bathroom door. “Come here, Tirzah Mae,” you should say. “Mama is going to change your diaper.”
Stay there, holding your hand open for her to grab hold of it, repeating yourself if necessary until she obeys. DO NOT BE DISTRACTED.
When Tirzah Mae comes, you can wet the wipes in the bathroom sink and then the two of you will walk, hand in hand to the nursery, where you will change her diaper.
If you notice something that needs to be done while you’re standing by the door waiting for Tirzah Mae to obey, make a mental note but don’t do anything else.
Your primary job is teaching your daughter, not ensuring that the toys and socks are put away and the water bottle filled. You can do those things after you take care of the first thing – training your daughter to be obedient when you give her instructions.
Distraction in housekeeping is one thing. Distraction in parenting is quite another. Keep your eyes on the goal, Rebekah – train your daughter well.
Riding an Elephant
Going to Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo was an at-least-annual part of my childhood.
We’d load into the car some Saturday morning, singing Dad’s ditty:
“Going to the zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo
Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo
Beeps and bonks and squeaks and sqwanks.”
We’d arrive at Grandma Menter’s in Bellevue in time for lunch at noon – except that, while Grandma Menter was an excellent cook, she was not excellent at multitasking, which meant that lunch was generally around two.
Tirzah Mae and Papa check out the cow and calf
This didn’t bother us much (that I remember), since we had cousins to play with and 7-Up to drink.
Except that myself, my sister, and the cousin who falls exactly between us in age REALLY wanted to ride the elephants.
As I remember it, elephant rides were available until 3 pm – but since lunch was always at 2, we were never at the zoo in time for elephants.
Other times, we’d go with Grandma to the in-zoo cafe, which meant we were there earlier – but then we’d have to trek through the Leid Jungle, and would yet again miss the elephant rides.
Tirzah Mae and Mama pet a sheep
A couple of months ago, a plane left Swaziland with sixteen elephants on board. The elephants were bound for Dallas, for the Sedgwick County Zoo (in Wichita), and for Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo.
The departure was rather a story because some environmental groups were trying to block the transport and the zoos opted to sedate the elephants and load them up for transport without a permit in order to force the issue (they were successful at doing so.)
Tirzah Mae and Mama with an orangutan statue
I followed the story with interest, partly because it’s Wichita news – and partly because it’s Henry Doorly news. And partly because I never got to ride those elephants.
I still haven’t ridden the elephants (I rather doubt that’s at all d’jour in today’s conservation efforts) – but thanks to Daniel’s employer, our family has gone to see Wichita’s six new elephants.
We spent the afternoon on Sunday at the Sedgwick County Zoo, where we petted the goats and sheep (one got out while we were at the gate!) and where Tirzah Mae clucked and crowed and quacked at hundreds of different bird species.
Tirzah Mae is enamored with large birds
And we saw the elephants, two weeks before the exhibit opens to the public.
Tirzah Mae inspects the elephant
I don’t know that Tirzah Mae was enamoured with the elephants. She was already tired by the time we got to the exhibit – and elephants, unlike birds, are entirely outside of her realm of experience).
But I loved seeing the elephants ambling about their spacious enclosures.
Tirzah Mae and Mama enjoy the elephant
It almost resigns me to not having been able to ride the elephants. Almost.
Happy/Sad. Good/Bad.
Happy. A little boy wore a gleaming smile to match the word.
Across the page, the same little boy had giant tears rolling down his face to illustrate “sad”.
I turned the page to continue reading to Tirzah Mae, but then stopped short – for the next two words were “good” and “bad”.
After a bit of quick thinking, I told Tirzah Mae that the words were “kind” and “naughty”.
I won’t be buying that particular book for Tirzah Mae, nor will I be checking it out of the library again for her or her siblings.
Good and bad are such loaded words.
In one sense, the illustrations were apt – showing good or bad behaviors. But the rest of the book was describing opposites that modify not behaviors but the child. While each page included only one word, a parent could have “read” the sentence “The child is [insert word].”
“The child is happy.”
“The child is sad.”
“The child is alert.”
“The child is sleepy.”
“Tirzah Mae is messy.”
But when it came to “good” and “bad”?
“The child is good.”
“The child is bad.”
It doesn’t fit my theology.
There is a sense in which every child is good. There is a sense in which every child is bad. But neither have to do with the child’s behavior.
Every child is good in the way that God declared Adam and Eve “very good” after creating them. Every child is created by God and, in some small or large way, reflects God’s image. In that, he is good.
Yet every child is bad, in that every child is born sinful. “No part of [him] is untouched by sin, and therefore no action of [his] is as good as it should be, and consequently nothing in [him] or about [him] ever appears meritorious in God’s eyes.” (J.I. Packer’s definition of total depravity from Concise Theology.) In that, every child is bad.
To suggest that a child is “good” because he engages in kind behavior and that he is “bad” when he engages in unkind behavior undermines both the innate “goodness” and the innate “badness” of a child.
I would not want a child of mine to think that she is only valuable in my eyes when she engages in kind behavior. She is valuable because she is a human, created in the image of God.
I would not want a child of mine to think that she is only bad when she engages in naughty behavior – and to think that by changing her behavior she can change her innate badness.
No, I want my daughter (and our unborn baby and every child who enters our family after that) to know that she is precious because God made her. I want my daughter (and our unborn baby and every child who enters our family after that) to know that she is born a sinner and acts sinfully because it’s who she is.
I pray daily that my daughter would recognize that there is nothing she can do to make herself “good”. Every day, I pray that she would recognize her inability to save herself from her sinfulness. Every day, I pray that she would fall upon the mercy of Christ to make her good.
And I want the words I use to help her to recognize her need for a Savior – not to encourage her to cling to works righteousness.
Am I too picky about words? Are there any common phrases that get your guff?
My snot-nosed baby
Since first putting Tirzah Mae in the nursery in August, it feels as though it’s been a constant parade of illness around here.
A little cold that I think might be just allergies except that one of the little girls in my class had been snuffling the day before. A virus that came on suddenly in midday, giving Tirzah Mae and I drippy noses and quickly raw throats – and that lasted 3 weeks. A bout or two of diarrhea (was that just because of her teeth, I wonder, or was it a bug?)
Generally, I’ve felt bad for Tirzah Mae because I’ve been attributing my own pain to her. Her throat has to hurt since mine does. Her ears have got to be uncomfortable because mine are. I’ve empathized in a self-pitying way, reminding myself that it’s no wonder she wants to nurse all.the.live-long.day when her throat hurts like mine does and the only thing that helps is to have a steady stream of warm liquid (that’s not snot) constantly bathing it.
That three-week-long cold? Tirzah Mae started feeling better (for all I can tell) long before I did. In fact, I only just woke up yesterday without my throat on fire.
Yesterday. When Tirzah Mae woke up with a big blob of snot on her face.
I refused to miss Bible study, kept her with me instead of in the nursery. We spent the afternoon cuddling – at least until I had to go to my doctor’s appointment to get a thing-a-ma-jigger removed from my back. She stayed up way later than her normal bedtime (as did her mother).
And she woke me up wailing at midnight.
Except when I went to get her, she wasn’t standing in her crib like she usually does – she was lying on her belly, lifting her head just a few inches off the mattress and then letting it drop back down again.
I fed her, as she snuffled hard through a snot-filled nose.
She fell asleep for a half an hour, woke up again with a muffled cry.
This cry was different, a short mew and then catching her breath.
She wouldn’t breastfeed longer than ten seconds before raising her head and flopping her body over onto my belly. She’d begin the mew again and then a desperate attempt to breathe.
Between patting her back and waving my homemade Vicks Vaporub under her nose and keeping her sitting upright next to me in bed, she managed to breathe easily enough to fall asleep again – so long as I kept her in sitting position and kept the vaporub under her nose and didn’t dare fall asleep myself.
Now my daughter is awake. Completing her morning exercises, the daily exploration of the living room. Except for the heavy mouth-breathing, the crusty eyes, and the snot that I can’t seem to keep off her face, you’d never know what kind of night she had.
And today, my empathy can’t be self-pitying. I may be exhausted, but I am only thankful – thankful that last night’s fears were naught. My daughter breathes, she plays, she explores.
We made it through the night. And, this morning?
She’s beautiful, my snot-nosed baby.
One child, fewer theories
A little over a year ago, I wrote up a post declaring my “side” on the many different parenting decisions for the first year. To quote my introduction, this was so “I can look back years from now and shake my head at how naive and idealistic I was back before I had children.”
Well, now that I’ve had one go-round at the first year, it’s time to see what I’ve done and what I think NOW.
The first days:
I didn’t have a lot of choice about what went on during the first days – between the c-section and Tirzah Mae’s NICU stay, things were mostly done by protocol. I still hold by my theories – but we just didn’t have the opportunity for delayed cord clamping or skin-to-skin this time around (nor did the hospital ask me prior to giving Tirzah Mae her eye drops – even so, while *I* and my midwife know that Tirzah Mae wasn’t going to get chlamydia or gonnorrhea from me, I understand why the hospitals don’t just take a woman’s word for it.)
Diapering
As soon as Tirzah Mae ran out of the one bag of preemie diapers I bought for her when she came home from the hospital, we switched to prefolds and have been using them ever since. We’ve been gifted with covers that we use most of the time (although I have used plastic pants too). We used snappies a lot until Tirzah Mae got diaper rash and I started leaving the cover off around the house – then the pins hold things on much better.
Feeding
Breast or bottle?
I still hate that question. Tirzah Mae has received breastmilk exclusively – initially via a tube into her stomach, then from a bottle, and finally at the breast. Initially, she just got one breastfeeding a day and the rest from a bottle – but we switched around Christmastime (her due date) to breastfeeding ’round the clock with a bottle only before bed for her Vitamin D and iron supplement.
Scheduled feedings or “on demand”?
The hospital enforced scheduled feedings every 3 hours – and it absolutely broke my heart. Even as a preemie, Tirzah Mae gave very clear hunger cues – cues that said she wanted to eat every 2 to 2.5 hours. Once I brought her home, I fed her whenever she gave cues (and continue to do so.) I continue to believe this is nutritionally the best approach to infant feeding (and can be quite doable, especially for a stay-at-home mom).
Vitamin D or no?
Tirzah Mae got drops in her evening bottle until the expressed breastmilk from her hospitalization ran out (sometime in August) At that point, we were going outdoors daily (and I skipped the sunscreen unless we were going to be out longer than 15-20 minutes.) Now that it’s getting cold and we’re not out as much, it’s probably time to start them up again (this time, she doesn’t need them mixed with anything to not spit them out.)
Nursing cover, blanket, or nothing at all?
Still don’t use any hidey devices
Introducing solids?
Adjusting for age made this one difficult. My “no sooner than six months” – is that for corrected or calendar age? Tirzah Mae started eating sometime right around 6 months by the calendar – because she refused to let me eat in peace.
First foods?
The only baby food I’ve purchased is baby oatmeal, which Tirzah Mae ate three servings of. Then she ate table food – we ground it with a handheld baby food mill for about two weeks and she’s been eating it straight from the table (mashed or diced and now in chunks) ever since. I did not introduce one food at a time as originally intended – and I don’t think I ever will.
Weaning from the breast?
Still going strong and no end in sight.
Weaning from the bottle?
I ended up using one, but only infrequently after the first few months – she hasn’t gotten one since the breastmilk from the NICU ran out, and she’s never missed it.
Pacifier?
The NICU never asked, they just started her on one. I’d ask them not to if I were in the situation again – but it didn’t hurt us. She gave it up on her own sometime around six months and we haven’t used it since (even if I’ve tried a couple times in desperation :-P)
Potential allergens?
I’ve been pretty consistent with this one – Tirzah Mae gets the same foods we eat except for honey (until tomorrow!) I have given her bits of cow’s milk with meals over the past month (earlier than the one year I mentioned earlier), but it’s been pretty minimal amounts (and therefore unlikely to damage her kidneys, which is the real concern with early intro of cow’s milk.
Sleep
I REALLY underestimated what my own sleep deprivation would induce me to do in this area!
Cosleeping?
Never in our bed, I said. Ha. That did NOT happen. But we weaned her from our bed and into her crib sometime between 4 and 6 months.
Back or front?
Yep, back to sleep saves babies’ lives – but I never managed to keep Tirzah Mae asleep on her back (until summertime – and then she wanted to be on her back. So weird.
Nursing to sleep?
We still do – and I don’t wake her back up to brush. We brush and do our fluoride drops during the day.
Rocking to sleep?
While I occasionally wish I could just put Tirzah Mae down and have her fall asleep by herself, I generally enjoy our bedtime routine (which, yes, includes breastfeeding and rocking to sleep)
Swaddling?
I didn’t want to rely on this and we haven’t. It was helpful before her due date, but not so much after.
Sleep training/Crying it out?
I still believe sleep training is not for newborns (you’re unlikely to find someone who has actually studied infant sleep who thinks you should.) But I also believe sleep training can be a very loving thing to do. I really will publish that “Loving by Sleep Training” post one of these days – suffice to say that I used a modified version of sleep training on two different occasions and did so because it was the only way I could love my daughter in those circumstances.
Miscellany
Babywearing?
Tummy Time?
Car seats?
I stand by what I said – and I’ve stood by it pretty well this year.
Church nursery?
The NICU really encouraged us to avoid the church nursery until Tirzah Mae was a year old. I held off until I started teaching Sunday School and now she’s in there during Sunday School and my Bible study. She’s with Daniel and I during services. We’ve had two or three colds in the two months since she’s been in the nursery. I think I’m pretty pro keeping little ones with me unless they’re really keeping me from being able to participate (which Tirzah Mae would at this point, with teaching Sunday School and participating in Bible Study.)
So, when theory turns to action, I’m a little more realistic, but I’m still an idealogue. Bring on the next baby (so I can change my mind on more)!
The Time for Forming Affections
I am a teacher at heart.
I love to transmit information, ideas, skills.
I like to think deeply, like to communicate deep thoughts.
Which is why I was nervous when I was asked to teach Sunday School to second graders a few years back.
I love to teach, not to do worksheets with kids. I like deep doctrine, hearty theology, difficult passages. How could I do that with second graders? (I learned, somewhat)
This is why I was nervous when I was placed in a 3-year-old classroom this year.
I love to teach, not to babysit. How could I do that with 3-year-olds? (I’m learning)
It’s also why I’m kinda tentative with my own daughter.
Everyone tells new parents that it’s hard to mess up parenting a baby. You change them, you feed them, you love them.
But I love to TEACH. How can I teach my baby?
Mostly, I think of how I’ll teach her one day when I actually can.
And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae going over to the pile of books, pulling one out and babbling to herself as she leafed through the pages. She likes when I read the board books to her – but she prefers books with regular pages when she’s reading to herself. After all, that’s what her mama reads to HERSELF.
And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae grabbing a pen (my Zebra pens!) and holding them ever so carefully between thumb and forefinger, running the point along whatever surface is handy.
And then I started noticing Tirzah Mae perking up whenever music came on, waving her hands and singing along.
And I realized that now may not be the time for teaching Tirzah Mae to read or write or sing. It may not be the time for imparting information or attaining to skills. But it is the time for forming affections.
When I spend every spare moment (when my hands aren’t otherwise occupied) with my nose in a book, I teach Tirzah Mae that books are valuable and worth reading. When I spend my mornings writing as I do Bible study and as I jot down a note on what I’m reading or make a grocery list, I teach Tirzah Mae that writing is a valuable skill and worth learning. When I sing a song, turn on a CD, dance to music (in my own home and elsewhere), I teach Tirzah Mae that music is valuable and to be enjoyed.
She likely doesn’t understand the Bible stories I read to her every night before bed. She probably doesn’t get the deep theological truths in the hymns we sing as she falls asleep. She doesn’t know what the words in the Bible I read every morning mean.
But now is the time for forming affections. So even if I’m not lecturing, not explaining some truth. Even if she’s not internalizing the Bible passages or their meanings, she’s learning. She’s learning that the word of God is precious. That the truths found in hymns are beautiful. That they are important.
I don’t see outward signs yet, like I do with reading and writing and music; but I can continue modeling Christian discipline for my daughter and can do it with ever-renewed vigor when I am reminded that now is the time for forming affections.