Faith

Categories Church History

Getting to Know Ignatius

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Ignatius was an early church father who was bishop of Antioch of Syria. We know of him from a collection of letters he wrote to various churches (and to Polycarp, the bishop of Smyrna) while enroute to Rome, where he expected to be martyred as a witness to Christ.

Ignatius’s letters follow a relatively predictable arc: Ignatius greets the church and writes them some encouragement before settling upon his primary message: the church must be unified in order that she can combat heresy.

For Ignatius, unity means complete submission to the bishop. Ignatius is a strong proponent of the monoepiscopacy, that is, of a single strong bishop as leader of the church in a specific area. Ignatius regards the bishop as analogous to Christ, the presbyters (also called elders) as analogous to the apostles, and the deacons as analogous to angels and the servants of the presbyters. Given this understanding of church governance, Ignatius’ insistence on unity with the bishop makes sense (even if it does grate on these Protestant ears!) However, it is important to note that Ignatius does not urge unity and submission to the bishop for its own sake. Ignatius’ primary goal is that the church remain free from apostasy and heresy – and he sees unity under a selected bishop as a way of attaining that. In his letter to the Ephesian church, Ignatius writes that the one who separates himself from “the bishop and the whole church” is “a wolf in sheep’s clothing, while he presents a mild outward appearance.”

Regarding the relationship of the church to the bishop, Ignatius writes:

“For your justly-renowned presbytery (church), being worthy of God, is fitted as exactly to the bishop as the strings are to the harp. Thus, being joined together in concord and harmonious love, of which Jesus Christ is the Captain and Guardian, do ye, man by man, become but one choir; so that, agreeing together in concord, and obtaining a perfect unity with God, ye may indeed be one in harmonious feeling with God the Father, and His beloved Son Jesus Christ our Lord.”

~Ignatius to the Ephesians

Ignatius was particularly concerned with two dueling heresies: the heresy of the Judaizers and the heresy of the Gnostics. The Judaizers insisted that Christian believers follow the Old Testament laws and become Jews in order to have salvation in Christ. The Gnostics argued that Jesus did not truly come in the flesh but only in the appearance of the flesh (called “docetism”).

Most of Ignatius’ arguments against docetism are propositional: “Now He suffered all these things for us; and He suffered them really, and not in appearance only…” (Ignatius to the Smyrnians) But some of Ignatius’ writings sing with praise for the salvation Jesus wrought through His humanity:

“Being incorporeal, He was in the body; being impassible, He was in a passible body; being immortal, He was in a mortal body; being life, He became subject to corruption, that He might free our souls from death and corruption, and heal them, and might restore them to health, when they were diseased with ungodliness and wicked lusts.”

~Ignatius to the Ephesians

(I had to look up “impassible” – and discovered that it means incapable of suffering pain. While Ignatius does not make this clear, it seems theologically correct that Jesus was physically impassible prior to his incarnation – but he was not incapable of suffering anguish in an emotional or “soulish” sense.)

In another letter, Ignatius speaks of the heretics thus:

“For they speak of Christ, not that they may preach Christ, but that they may reject Christ; and they speak of the law, not that they may establish the law, but that they may proclaim things contrary to it.”

~Ignatius to the Trallians

At other times, Ignatius channels the apostle Paul, proclaiming that if Christ only suffered in appearance, then Ignatius’ sufferings, imprisonment, and impending martyrdom are worthless (see 2 Corinthians 15).

In his letter to the Ephesians, Ignatius gave a test by which to distinguish false teachers. False teachers, Ignatius says, speak of their own accord and for their own glory, while God speaks as the Trinity (the Son does not speak of his own accord but what he hears from the Father, etc.) and for the glory of the Trinity (the Holy Spirit glorifies Christ, etc.)

While most of Ignatius’ letters to the churches focus on combating heresy and encouraging unity under the bishop, his letter to the Romans sharply departs from the norm. The letter to the Roman’s is almost entirely focused on one goal and one goal alone: the Roman church is not to seek to prevent Ignatius’ impending martyrdom, either through prayer or through legal means. Ignatius desires to be martyred as a testimony and wishes no one to stand in his way.

Another departure is Ignatius’ letter to a fellow bishop, Polycarp. This letter consists primarily of instructions to Polycarp and to Polycarp’s flock, with little to no discussion of pure doctrine. The letter to Polycarp is about orthopraxy rather than orthodoxy.

I’ve enjoyed reading Ignatius’ letters as part of my study of church history. As I alluded to above, I do not find myself in agreement with Polycarp’s monoepiscopacy – I believe the Scriptural pattern describes a plurality of elders who share responsibility for the body and to whom the pastor is accountable, rather than a single leader who bears responsibility and to whom the elders are accountable. On the other hand, reading Ignatius’ defenses of Christ’s humanity (in particular) has encouraged me to reflect upon the Incarnation and to better worship the Incarnate God.

Ignatius at a Glance
Date: ~35-108
Location: Antioch
Key theological points:

  • Arguments against Judaizers
  • Arguments against docetism
  • Defense of the monoepiscopacy

Key writings: Letters to a number of churches and to Polycarp

Resources:

  • Litfin, Bryan. Getting to Know the Church Fathers. Chapter 1: Ignatius of Antioch
  • Schaff, Philip. Ante-Nicene Fathers. Volume 1 (available at the Christian Classics Ethereal Library)
Categories Book Notes, Church History

Church History: The Age of Jesus and the Apostles

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This year’s main spiritual goal is to “grow theologically through a study of church history”. To that end, I’m using Bruce L. Shelley’s Church History in Plain Language as a spine and reading original sources and biographies to supplement my study. This month’s section was “The Age of Jesus and the Apostles, 6 BC – AD 70.” In other words, the New Testament Age. Because I am already relatively familiar with this stage of church history, this was an easy month. I read Matthew, Acts, and Ephesians as my original sources and selected two books on Paul from my local library (only one of which I finished, as seen below.) I also found one of Shelley’s recommended readings at my library and read that.

Core Reading: Church History in Plain Language
The two chapters on “The Age of Jesus and the Apostles” are easy reading. They summarize the narrative portions of the New Testament, giving some historical details drawn heavily from the below-mentioned Great People of the Bible and How They Lived.

Supplemental Reading:

Great People of the Bible and How They Lived by Reader’s Digest
Bruce included this work in his recommended readings for this section – and I’m glad he did. I’ve only read the New Testament section (so far), but I’ve found this to be a highly readable retelling of the narrative of the New Testament with appropriate historical details added in text and with photographs and illustrations. Given that this is a secular work, I would have expected significant skepticism about the words and works of Christ, as well as how the apostles interpreted said words and works – but this is not a skeptical work. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I especially enjoyed the discussion of temple politics and the divisions between the Pharisees and Sadducees and the discussion of the divisions between the Jerusalem Jews and the Hellenists. Another thing I’d never thought of was how the locus of ministry in the New Testament shifts from Galilee (during Jesus’ early ministry) to Jerusalem (during Jesus’ late ministry and the apostles’ early ministry) to Antioch (from which Paul and Barnabas’s missionary journeys were launched.)

Paul: In Fresh Perspective by N.T. Wright

This is a small but dense work edited from some lectures Wright gave at Cambridge University. I found it difficult to find time to read it because it required my full attention (something in short supply!) to get Wright’s points. Nevertheless, I am glad I read this. Some points I found useful:

  • Wright points out Paul’s consistent use of the word “Christ”, which we tend to think of as little more than Jesus’ surname, but which conveyed quite a bit more in Paul’s Jewish context. Specifically, Paul was consistently pointing to Jesus’ messianic role – what Wright calls an “apocalyptic” context. Wright discusses some of the expectations the Jews of Paul’s time would have had surrounding the term “Christ” and what that would have meant to them. To remind myself of this context, I’ve been mentally substituting “The Promised Messiah and Savior” whenever I read “Christ” in the New Testament.
  • Occasionally, I hear the cross in the Roman world compared to an electric chair – “You’d never hang an electric chair around your neck.” But Wright points out that the cross was not simply a means by which Rome carried out executions. It was a symbol of Rome’s might, particularly its power over conquered peoples. The cross represented the power of Rome to kill those who oppose. Yet the subversive nature of the gospel stated that the cross represents the power, not of Rome but of God, not to kill but to save.

Paul: The Mind of the Apostle by A.N. Wilson

I gave this book up after 50 pages, having grown tired of passages like this:

“If readers of the New Testament choose to believe that Paul never set eyes on Jesus and that he had no psychological interest or compulsion to inspire him throughout the thirty years in which he preached Jesus Christ Crucified other than the testimony of the friends of Jesus, whom he had barely met, then that reader is entitled to his or her point of view.”

I understand that not all biographers of Biblical persons consider the Bible to be the authoritative word of God – but I’d prefer not to represented by a straw man. Only a reader of the New Testament who is determined to disbelieve it will assume Paul’s reason for believing was “the testimony of the friends of Jesus whom he had barely met.” Scripture plainly states in Acts 9 and 22 that Paul’s reason for his “obsession” with Jesus was a personal encounter with the risen Christ on the road to Damascus. Call the Damascus road experience a hallucination if you like, but don’t pretend that the Bible gives no explanation for Paul’s zeal.

Categories Following Christ

The Christian and Clinical Depression or Anxiety

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In recent years, I’ve seen an increasing number of articles for a Christian audience about clinical depression and anxiety. Most have sought to explain why “just get over it” is unhelpful advice (amazing that needs explanation!) and why having clinical depression or anxiety does not mean that one is unspiritual. More than a few have derided the use of Philippians 4:6 “Be anxious for nothing” or Psalm 42/43 “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Put your hope in God” when talking to someone who is experiencing clinical anxiety or depression. These articles have served a necessary role of educating believers on the psychological conditions many believers suffer with. They have helped believers become more understanding of the multifaceted aspects of anxiety and depression. They have hopefully helped believers understand the benefits of physical and pharmaceutical approaches to managing depression and anxiety.

But I fear these articles have had an unintended (at least I hope it’s unintended) consequence of allowing believers suffering from clinical depression and anxiety to justify disobedience to God.

Now, lest anyone mistake what I am saying, I am not saying that using medication, talk therapy, or a variety of stress management techniques is being disobedient to Christ. I use medication, light therapy, and a variety of lifestyle management techniques to manage seasonal affective disorder and have used medication and lifestyle management techniques to deal with bouts of major depression. I do this with a clear conscience, seeing no Biblical evidence that using these tools to manage my depression is wrong.

But I fear we can easily take the leap from “clinical depression and anxiety are biological with biological cures” to “clinical depression and anxiety are biological therefore I don’t need to be obedient to God’s commands regarding my thoughts and attitudes.”

This, friends, is a lie from the pit of hell.

Just as a broken leg doesn’t exempt us from our call to “not neglect to meet together” (Heb 10:25), even though it makes assembling with other believers more difficult, neither does depression or anxiety exempt us from our call to “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor 10:5), even though it does mean that there are perhaps more and more persistent thoughts to take captive.

You may need more than just taking thoughts captive to help you manage clinical depression and anxiety, but you certainly don’t need less.

When I am in the throes of depression, my thoughts often take a terrible turn. I contemplate my lack of energy and think “I’m worthless, I never get anything done.” I contemplate my seclusion and think “No one loves me.” I contemplate my thoughts and think “I’ll never be free of this depression.”

But I must not allow these thoughts to take over my mind. As fast as the arrows may volley forth, I must not surrender to them. Instead, I must take them captive to obey Christ.

When my thoughts say “You’re worthless. You never get anything done.”, I reply “My worth is not dependent on my accomplishments but on Christ’s, for ‘God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved [me] even when [I was] dead in [my] trespasses, made [me] alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5).'”

When my thoughts say “No one love you”, I reply “but God shows his love for [me] in that while [I was] still [a sinner], Christ died for me. (Rom 5:8)”

When my thoughts say “I’ll never be free of this depression”, I reply “Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Rom 7:24-25)”

Most of all, when depression turns all my thoughts inward – to myself, to my own shortcomings – I must turn my face resolutely toward God. I must say with the psalmist:

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.”
~Psalm 42:11 (ESV)

For those of you who suffer from clinical anxiety, this does not negate your call to “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Phil 4:6)” It probably means you have a lot more anxieties and requests to make known to God than I have, but just because it’s harder for you to be obedient doesn’t mean that you’re excused from that call.

Now, are you starting to feel like I’m bullying you? Placing a burden on you too hard to bear? Are you feeling the need to escape to one of those articles about the biological basis of anxiety and depression?

At various times in the midst of depression, I would be tempted to feel that. But this is not bullying or a burden.

Have you ever heard of cognitive-behavioral therapy? It’s the best proven form of therapy for anxiety and depression. And you know what it is, basically? It’s identifying untrue thoughts and unhelpful actions that contribute to anxiety and depression and replacing them with true thoughts and helpful actions.

You know what that sounds like to me?

“Take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience.” (2 Cor 10:5-6)

So to you, dear sister or brother who suffers from clinical depression, take every physical means necessary to deal with your condition. Take the medicine, go to therapy, get your rest, exercise, do any one of the myriad of things that can help you manage. But do not neglect to take your thoughts captive. Do not neglect to turn your eyes to Christ.

Categories 2016, Following Christ

2016 Goals in Review: Prayer

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The primary goal in my “relationship with God” category was to “cultivate confident dependence on God by establishing a vibrant prayer life”. I resolved to do this by 1) establishing daily times of prayer, 2) establishing a method for recording prayer requests and answers to prayer, 3) experimenting with prayer “styles”, and 4) reading books on prayer.

I was helped along greatly in this goal by our Tuesday morning women’s Bible study, which happened to be going through D.A. Carson’s Praying with Paul during the spring semester. Having my “public” Bible study and teaching correspond with my current spiritual goals kept me focused and provided both tips and accountability. For example, my Bible study discussion leader mentioned the “PrayerMate” app, which I looked up and found to be helpful for objective 2, which was “to establish a method for recording prayer requests and answers to prayer.” Also, although I wasn’t required to, I read Carson’s book (rather than just the discussion guide) along with our study – allowing me to complete just one book on prayer this year (objective 4).*

So Tuesday Connection helped me with objectives 2 and 4 – but what about objectives 1 and 3?

I never did end up doing anything with objective 3, unless you count using Paul’s prayers as a model for prayer. I didn’t do any prayer walking or praying published prayers or following specific formats (Adoration – Confession – Thanksgiving – Supplication, for example). It just didn’t seem to fit this year. And that’s just fine.

Objective 1, to “establish daily times of prayer”, got off to a good start. I resolved to pray consistently with Tirzah Mae before our meals and snacks and before her bedtime, to pray during my personal time in the word, and to pray while doing dishes. At the beginning of the year, Tirzah Mae and I were eating 3 meals and 2 snacks daily (pregnancy while breastfeeding is a doozy!), affording me plenty of opportunity to pray. Dishes were a convenient “peg” to hang prayer on – they’re something I have to do daily and they’re a rather mindless activity, which allows me plenty of opportunity to pray.

But then Tirzah Mae got older and started “helping” with dishes. What was once a relatively solitary and mindless activity (for me) became a busy activity, requiring all sorts of brain work as I attempt to keep Tirzah Mae from dumping all the dishwater on the floor or from putting dirty dishes in my rinse water or from transferring muck from the dirty dishes onto the clean dishes drip drying in the drying rack. That prayer time, where I had been making most of my petitions and praying over the requests (recorded in PrayerMate), disappeared. It took me most of the second half of the year to find a new rhythm – and this year I’m picking up my intercessory prayer during my after-breakfast and after-lunch cleaning times (Tirzah Mae only helps with segments, allowing a little more time for prayer!)

So what is the state of my goal to “cultivate confident dependence on God by establishing a vibrant prayer life?” I certainly wouldn’t say that my prayer life is vibrant at this point. But I also wouldn’t say that all has been lost. Establishing the habit of prayer (even though part of it, daily petitions and intercession, fell by the wayside for a significant portion of the year) has indeed served to help me cultivate confident dependence of God.

One of the reasons I chose prayer as my spiritual goal for the year was because I was noticing in myself a significant tendency towards self-reliance. I felt that I could do things on my own – and, when I couldn’t, I despaired. That wasn’t what I wanted though. I wanted, and still want, to live a life of dependence on God – a life that recognizes my need for Him and hopes in Him. Last year’s focus on prayer has helped in that. Where once I went to my phone to text my husband in despair or to Facebook to write a frustrated post or where I once gritted my teeth and cleaned the house/parented/pounded out the letter/whatever with a bad attitude, I find myself more and more turning to God, breathing those little Nehemiah prayers “So I prayed to the God of heaven.” (Nehemiah 2:4b ESV).

By the grace of God, this was a good goal – with a good outcome. I pray God would help me continue to grow – both in dependence and in prayer.

*While D.A. Carson’s Praying with Paul was the only book on prayer I completed last year, I did read about half of Spurgeon on Prayer and Spiritual Warfare and was greatly encouraged by Spurgeon’s reflections.

Categories Faith, Parenting

Must Christians Homeschool?

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After listening to R.C. Sproul, Jr’s audio series Training Up Children”, I am quite sure of what Dr. Sproul Jr’s answer to that question is. I am also quite certain that I disagree.

First, Dr. Sproul’s position.

Dr. Sproul began in Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (an excellent place to start when discussing a parent’s responsibility toward their children, by the way.)

“And these words that I command you today shall be on your hearts. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

~Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (ESV – Emphasis mine)

Dr. Sproul (quite rightly) extrapolates from verse 7 (bold above) that parents should speak of God to their children throughout the course of their lives, not just during a time of formal devotions or family worship. From here, he takes a giant leap to say that parents must homeschool their children in order to be with them at all times.

This, I believe, is an inappropriate conclusion to draw from this passage.

This passage clearly speaks to the important role God intends His word to play in the lives of his people. God expects that His word be not merely external to His people but internal (“shall be on your hearts”.) God expects that parents will diligently teach His word to their children, not merely as formal instruction but as part of the everyday-ness of life. God expects that His word be always before His people (bind on hands, between eyes, on doorposts and gates.)

What this passage does not speak to is whether parents and children should always be together.

As a thought experiment, let’s explore whether one can be obedient to Deuteronomy 6:7 while sending their children to a “state school” (Sproul’s term). We’ll start with the various contexts in which parents ought to talk to their children about God’s word.

“When you sit in your house.” Do parents of children in a state school sit with their children? It depends. Do they eat meals with their children? Do they sit in the living room together after supper? Do they sit together in a car? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents sitting with their children.

“When you walk by the way.” Do parents of children in school drive their children about? Do they walk or ride bicycles about? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents from traveling with their children.

“When you lie down and when you rise up.” Do parents of children in school put their children to bed (or send them to bed, depending on their age)? Do they wake their children up or see them when they wake up? They may or may not, but there is nothing inherent in sending your children to school that precludes parents from being with their children during bedtime or wakening.

Interestingly, although a majority of Israelites of the day would have engaged in some sort of agricultural activity, God does not say that parents ought to talk to their children about God’s law while milking the cows or tending the sheep or collecting manna. Nor does he say that craftspeople ought to talk to their children while sewing, weaving, or throwing pots, despite the reality that many crafts were done as a family. Instead, this passage refers to everyday activities that parents and children are likely to share regardless of profession or position or socioeconomic class. And even if parents and children don’t do them together, every person on the face of the planet sits down, moves around, goes to sleep, and wakes up. And every person on the face of the earth does these things regularly.

What this passage has to say about parents’ obligation to train their children in God’s word is simply this: Parents ought to diligently and regularly speak to their children about God’s word in the course of everyday life.

Dr. Sproul thinks that Deuteronomy 6 insists that parents be with their children all day every day homeschooling them. He allows that there will be some delegation – for example, his son was going on a trip to the zoo with Dr. Sproul Jr’s mother and sister while Dr. Sproul was giving one presentation – but he denies that sending one’s children to school is an acceptable form of delegation. I have two problems with this. First, as I argued above, I believe that Dr. Sproul twists this passage to imply a necessity of parents and children being together at all times. Second, if Dr. Sproul’s interpretation of this passage’s implications is indeed true and parents must be with their children at all times speaking to them about the word of God, then I see no reason why “delegating” to the children’s grandmother and aunt is an acceptable exception.

This is not to say that there are not significant advantages to homeschooling. This is not to say that some parents may discover that homeschooling is the best way for them to diligently teach their children the word of God. But homeschooling is not necessary.

Let us not put burdens on the believer that God does not.

Must Christians homeschool their children?

No, they need not.

Categories Following Christ

Set forth Thee: A Prayer

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Lord, grant us calm, if calm can set forth Thee;
Or tempest, if a tempest set Thee forth;
Wind from the east or west or south or north,
Or congelation of a silent sea,
With stillness of each tremulous aspen tree.

Still let fruit fall, or hang upon the tree;
Still let the east and west, the south and north,
Curb in their winds, or plough a thundering sea;
Still let the earth abide to set Thee forth,
Or vanish like a smoke to set forth Thee

~by Christina Rossetti

Calm or tempest.
Wind or stillness.
Fruit falling or remaining.
Stillness or wind.
Remain or disappear.

What makes this antonymous collection not only bearable but desirable?

That God might be glorified.

“I know how to be brought low,
and I know how to abound.
In any and every circumstance,
I have learned the secret
of facing plenty and hunger,
abundance and need.”
~Philippians 4:12 (ESV)

Lord, bring me low, if dejection set forth Thee;
Or cause me to abound, if abundance set Thee forth;
Teach me the secret of contentment
whatever my circumstances may be

Let my home, my heart, my hands be filled with plenty
If plenty lifts You high.
If hunger makes You great,
may I never eat again

Still let this earth, and I, abide to set Thee forth,
Or vanish like a smoke to set forth Thee

Categories Following Christ

He will deliver thee

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I’ve been slowly reading through C.H. Spurgeon’s Spurgeon on Prayer and Spiritual Warfare after my morning times in the word – and this week, his text has been Psalm 50:15 “Call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee.”

The morning before we were admitted to the hospital, I read the following words:

“I write this with all reverence: God Himself cannot deliver a person who is not in trouble… The point is, my reader, your adversity may prove your advantage by offering occasion for the display of divine grace… When you are in adversity, then call upon God, and you will experience a deliverance that will be a richer and sweeter experience for your soul than if you had never known trouble.”

I did not know the trouble that would come – but I knew the trouble I had experienced in the past, and I knew that it was indeed an occasion for the display of divine grace. While I would never choose adversity for myself (would any of us?), I know indeed that God’s deliverance does prove a richer and sweeter experience for my soul than had I never known trouble.

I remembered those words as we entered the hospital with a pregnancy in trouble again, rejoicing that my God is present, inviting me to call upon Him, willing to deliver me.

Yesterday morning Spurgeon reminded me of God’s promise: He will deliver me.

“Hear Him say, ‘I will deliver thee,’ and ask no more questions.

I do not suppose that Daniel knew how God would deliver him out of the den of lions. I do not suppose that Joseph knew how he would be delivered out of prison when his master’s wife had slandered his character so shamefully. I do not suppose that these ancient believers even dreamed the way of the Lord’s deliverance. They just left themselves in God’s hands. They rested on God and He delivered them in the best possible manner. He will do the same for you. Simply call upon Him, and then ‘stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord’ (Exod. 14:13)

…God may likewise subject us to many trials. Yet if He says ‘I will deliver thee,’ you can be sure that He will keep His word.”

And that is the promise in which I can trust – not that I know God’s means of deliverance or the timing of his deliverance or any such details. In fact, I am reminded of Hebrews 11:36-38

“They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated – of whome the world was not worthy – wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.” (ESV)

In this life, these saints, commended for their faith, did not receive what was promised.

But in the life to come?

Deliverance.

Today, that great cloud of witnesses – the ones who received their deliverance in this life and the ones who received their deliverance in the next – urge me to look to Jesus, the truest testimony that God will deliver me.

For

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

Romans 8:32 (ESV)

He will deliver thee.

Categories Faith, Pregnancy

Compare and Contrast: Pregnancy Edition

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There are many parts of this pregnancy that have been similar to the last pregnancy.

…with both pregnancies, I’ve been told I look small
This never ceases to surprise me, since I feel anything but small – and since I’m now topping 200 lbs (up a little over 30 lbs this time vs. 60 lbs at this same point last time, but still around the same end weight.) This time though, there might be a little something to what people are saying, since both my OB and my midwife have consistently noted that my uterus is “measuring small”. An ultrasound to check that everything was okay put baby exactly where he should be for my calculated due date.

…with both pregnancies, I’ve never had a worry about baby’s health
Tirzah Mae was active in the womb from about 20 weeks until the day she was born, poking and jabbing and prodding. This little one is active at all times as well – but his movement is so different than hers it’s like experiencing pregnancy again for the first time. This little one specializes in stretching – pushing a limb into my abdominal wall and just…dragging it along. It is this, I think, that makes me feel like this baby is so much bigger and farther along than Tirzah Mae ever was (no, we haven’t reached that point yet.)

…with both pregnancies, I’ve gained a lot of fluid weight
I started retaining fluid in my feet and ankles around 22 weeks with Tirzah Mae. With this pregnancy, it wasn’t until our trip to Lincoln for my sister’s wedding last weekend that I could tell for sure that my legs were full of fluid – but the fluid came on suddenly and has stuck around, with pitting edema at least to my calves for the past week. Even so, my fluid gain has been 1-3 lbs per day (versus the whopping 7 lb weight gain in one day that convinced me that something was going seriously wrong with my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae.) And I generally lose about the same amount of fluid overnight, for a much less drastic overall weight gain :-)

…with both pregnancies, my blood pressure has risen
Years ago, a heart specialist diagnosed my dizziness problem as orthostatic hypotension – a fancy term to signify that my blood pressure dropped too low when I changed positions. He told me pregnancy was the best cure. Little could he have known how much pregnancy would turn out to affect my blood pressure. With Tirzah Mae, I experienced hypertensive crisis – my bottom number was 160, a value that’s bad if it’s the TOP number. With this pregnancy, my blood pressure has risen such that I have been in the pre-hypertensive range on about half of my twice-daily checks over the past week.

But even as I list out the similarities, one glaring difference stands out.

…with this pregnancy, I have an acute sense of what could go wrong – and a peace that supersedes it all
I had plenty of fears while I was pregnant with Tirzah Mae. I feared pre-eclampsia, a hospital birth, a c-section, interventions, loss of control. I barely knew what any of those might be like – and I feared them. Then I experienced them – and, you know, I’d do anything I could to avoid them this second time around. But with the intimate knowledge of what severe pre-eclampsia and hospital birth, c-section and loss of control look like, I’ve also gained an intimate knowledge of what God’s grace looks like amidst my worst fears. And that’s why, while I’ve occasionally been afraid I’d become afraid, I haven’t. My mind and heart are aware of the possibilities, want to avoid the worst scenarios, but I don’t fear them. I have walked through the waters and He has been there – will He not be there if I am called to walk through the fire?

A week ago, I was in Lincoln, Nebraska, standing as a bridesmaid for my little sister on her wedding day. At that same point in my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae, I was being wheeled around Virginia in a wheelchair – knowing that something was already seriously wrong with my pregnancy.

This weekend, I was at home in Wichita, walking along the Arkansas River. At that same point in my pregnancy with Tirzah Mae, I was being admitted to the hospital – my OB expected we’d have a baby within 24 hours (we didn’t, but that’s another story).

Saturday afternoon, reflecting on the momentousness of reaching the point where I’d been hospitalized with Tirzah Mae, I wrote the following on Facebook:

At this point in my last pregnancy, I was vomiting into a bedpan while hooked to a million machines. Today, I took a walk along the swollen Arkansas river, sat on a rock with my husband at the Keeper of the Plains and talked about life and our goals for our family, pushed our daughter on a swing, visited the library, and came home to relax and read.

Both days are miracles, small and big evidences of God’s grace.

Lots of people asked me about my health, about this pregnancy while we were in Lincoln for my sister’s wedding last weekend. I shared, honestly, that this pregnancy is going much better than the last one. Which is not to say that this pregnancy is going perfectly or that we are out of the woods – but I didn’t bring that up then, not wanting to put a cloud of uncertainty over my sister’s special day.

Almost to a person, friends responded to my cheerful report with “Praise God” or another similar expression of worship.

And I agree. Praise God that I am walking when the last time I was in a wheelchair. Praise God that I am at home today when the last time I was hospitalized by now.

But please, praise God if I am hospitalized this time around. Praise God if our baby enters the world through my cut abdomen instead of the normal route we so desire. Praise God if this baby is early and suffers some of the debilitating consequences Tirzah Mae escaped. Praise God if this baby dies. Praise God if I should die.

Please, praise God with me for this pregnancy and the last – because in everything that has happened and in everything that will happen, He is absolutely good, absolutely sovereign, and absolutely worthy of praise.

Please, join me in rejoicing as I experience this part of pregnancy I’ve never experienced before: a third trimester at home instead of in the hospital. And please, join in me in trusting that however long or short this third trimester will be, God is sovereign and God is good.

And whether the Lord gives or the Lord takes away, may our cry forever be: Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Categories Faith, Parenting

Happy/Sad. Good/Bad.

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Happy. A little boy wore a gleaming smile to match the word.

Across the page, the same little boy had giant tears rolling down his face to illustrate “sad”.

I turned the page to continue reading to Tirzah Mae, but then stopped short – for the next two words were “good” and “bad”.

After a bit of quick thinking, I told Tirzah Mae that the words were “kind” and “naughty”.

I won’t be buying that particular book for Tirzah Mae, nor will I be checking it out of the library again for her or her siblings.

Good and bad are such loaded words.

In one sense, the illustrations were apt – showing good or bad behaviors. But the rest of the book was describing opposites that modify not behaviors but the child. While each page included only one word, a parent could have “read” the sentence “The child is [insert word].”

“The child is happy.”

“The child is sad.”

“The child is alert.”

“The child is sleepy.”

Tirzah Mae is MESSY.

“Tirzah Mae is messy.”

But when it came to “good” and “bad”?

“The child is good.”

“The child is bad.”

It doesn’t fit my theology.

There is a sense in which every child is good. There is a sense in which every child is bad. But neither have to do with the child’s behavior.

Every child is good in the way that God declared Adam and Eve “very good” after creating them. Every child is created by God and, in some small or large way, reflects God’s image. In that, he is good.

Yet every child is bad, in that every child is born sinful. “No part of [him] is untouched by sin, and therefore no action of [his] is as good as it should be, and consequently nothing in [him] or about [him] ever appears meritorious in God’s eyes.” (J.I. Packer’s definition of total depravity from Concise Theology.) In that, every child is bad.

To suggest that a child is “good” because he engages in kind behavior and that he is “bad” when he engages in unkind behavior undermines both the innate “goodness” and the innate “badness” of a child.

I would not want a child of mine to think that she is only valuable in my eyes when she engages in kind behavior. She is valuable because she is a human, created in the image of God.

I would not want a child of mine to think that she is only bad when she engages in naughty behavior – and to think that by changing her behavior she can change her innate badness.

No, I want my daughter (and our unborn baby and every child who enters our family after that) to know that she is precious because God made her. I want my daughter (and our unborn baby and every child who enters our family after that) to know that she is born a sinner and acts sinfully because it’s who she is.

I pray daily that my daughter would recognize that there is nothing she can do to make herself “good”. Every day, I pray that she would recognize her inability to save herself from her sinfulness. Every day, I pray that she would fall upon the mercy of Christ to make her good.

And I want the words I use to help her to recognize her need for a Savior – not to encourage her to cling to works righteousness.

Am I too picky about words? Are there any common phrases that get your guff?

Categories Following Christ

Memory Stories

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I hear Tirzah Mae screaming and take a trust fall out of bed. I go to her crib, pick her up, and cuddle her close. We walk into the living room where I put the CD player on pause and drop to my knees to pray. A golden father dripping with glittering olive oil hands me a ghost carrying the book of Proverbs and wearing a gigantic pair of glasses. The ghost gives me the glasses, which I put on my chest. I can now see a basketball hoop hanging over the windows, with gold coins raining down through the hoop onto the couch. A man grabs hold of the hoop and begins doing pull-ups…

A really trippy dream, huh?

Well, not quite.

Instead, it’s my attempt to use memory tricks to assist me in memorizing Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 1:15-23.

Lisa discussed memory palaces in Day 7 of her 31 Days to Memorizing a Bible Chapter – and referenced Moonwalking with Einstein, which I’m reading through on her recommendation.

The idea behind a memory palace is that you attach things you’re trying to memorize (in a memorable and visual way) to location cues that are familiar (and also memorable). Mine is a little different because I haven’t attached everything to locations, per se – but I’ve created an outlandish but memorable story (outlandish is good when it comes to memories) to help me remember key details from the passage I’m memorizing.

Let’s see if I can share how that works.

I HEAR Tirzah Mae screaming…

“For this reason, because I have HEARD…”

…and take a TRUST FALL out of bed.

“…of your FAITH in the Lord Jesus…”

I go to her crib, pick her up, and CUDDLE her close.

“…and your LOVE toward all the saints…”

We walk into the living room where I put the CD player on PAUSE…

“…I do not CEASE to give thanks for you…”

…and drop to my knees to PRAY.

“…remembering you in my PRAYERS…”

A golden FATHER dripping with GLITTERING olive oil…

“…that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the FATHER OF GLORY…”

…hands me a ghost…

“…may give you the SPIRIT…”

…carrying the book of PROVERBS…

“…of wisdom…”

….and wearing a gigantic pair of GLASSES.

“…and REVELATION in the knowledge of Him.”

The ghost gives me the GLASSES, which I put on my CHEST.

“…having the EYES of you HEARTS ENLIGHTENED…”

I can now see a basketball HOOP hanging over the windows…

“…that you might know the HOPE to which he has called you…”

…with GOLD COINS raining down through the hoop onto the couch.

“…what are the RICHES of his GLORIOUS inheritance in the saints…”

A man grabs hold of the hoop and begins doing PULL-UPS…

“…and what is the immeasurable greatness of his POWER toward us who believe, according to the working of his great MIGHT…

I don’t consider myself a particularly creative person, so coming up with a story to help me remember the key points in this passage was difficult – but while I don’t have the whole passage down word-for-word yet (I started last Monday), just the practice of coming up with this story made me able to paraphrase these five verses with a reasonable degree of accuracy the day after I came up with the story.

Have you ever tried using a memory palace or other mnemonic devices to memorize a passage of Scripture?