Stories from Korea

One of the things I love best about going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house is the stories I know will greet me there. Some I will have heard before–Many, in fact. But with each retelling, I hear another detail, another glimpse at the history of my grandparents. I’ve learned to keep a notebook handy so I can jot down pertinent details of the stories so I won’t forget them.

This trip was rich in history–both because of the stories Grandpa told, and because of the mementos and photos I found in the basement. Grandpa talked quite a deal about his time in Korea–and this time I got most of it down on paper.

Grandpa was drafted not long after he and Grandma were married. He went away to Basic training, then to mountain school in Colorado. After that, he was sent away to Japan to be a Mountain climbing instructor.

When there were a whole mass of casualties on the front line, Grandma says, they needed more cannon fodder. And Grandpa was sent to the front to be that cannon fodder.

Grandma was at home, teaching school and listening for every report on the war. When she heard that the 25th Division Baker Company had been annihilated–it was the worst news of her life. Grandpa was in the Baker Company of the 27th Regiment, 25th Division. There was no way of knowing whether he had been among those killed. It was the end of the school year, with only the end of the year picnic to go, and Grandpa’s mom had heard the same report. Great-Grandma rushed up to comfort Grandma–or maybe to grieve with her. It took 13 days, 13 long days of uncertainty before a letter reached Grandma–a letter dated after the report.

Grandpa talks of how the war was mismanaged by Harry Truman–how they had no bulletproof vests, and several groups of Korean troops were assembled but had no equipment with which to fight. He says that when “Ike” became president, the first thing he did was get the troops bulletproof vests and equip the Korean troops. Grandpa says that he remembers pulling shrapnel out of his bulletproof vest–and not even wanting to think of how deep that same shrapnel might have gone if it hadn’t have been for that vest.

Perhaps the saddest story of all of Grandpa’s war time stories is how he describes the North Koreans. Grandpa said that there was a valley that was no man’s land–it was good rice land–and while truce talks were going on, North Koreans came down into that valley and started planting. The government said that was a Chinese trick–that they were trying to advance their soldiers by masquerading them as farmers. But Grandpa spent an afternoon watching one old man through his scope–and that was no soldier. It was an old farmer–and he was hungry. Grandpa almost always tears up when he tells this story–and when he speaks of the condition of the North Korean’s even today. The North Korean’s were hungry–and they still are, to this day.

The soldiers got “points” for their service–one point for a safe place like Colorado, one and a half points for Japan (if they were married), and four points for combat zones. There were two and three point zones too–but Grandpa says he couldn’t find a three point zone. Apparently, if you accumulated a certain number of points, you had fulfilled your service and could go home early. Grandpa accumulated quite a few in his stint as “cannon fodder.” And he had the additional advantage that several men in line in front of him had to stay in Korea for treatment of venereal diseases.

Grandpa wrote a postcard–one that I foolishly failed to take a picture of this time. In large block letters, he wrote on the back of the card: “Darling, ON MY WAY HOME. MORE LATER, MAYBE. Ron” He said he wrote it big enough that his mother, who was the postmistress, couldn’t help but hear the news too. It was the happiest news they’d received in a long time. He was on his way.

A few years back, at the 50th anniversary of the end of the Korean conflict, Grandpa received a collection of medals that he shows us grandkids every so often. One from the US with three bronze stars for meritorious conduct. One that indicates that he came under fire–served in active combat. One from the UN that acknowledges his service. One from South Korea that thanks him for his service.

He didn’t talk much about Korea for many years. Wounds from there and wounds from those here who took his service lightly while they played politics to get out of serving themselves took their toll on him. Grandpa was an angry man for many years over some of the experiences there–and from the response of his countrymen here. But God has been gracious, and has allowed that anger to soften a bit–and we hear in Grandpa’s stories the compassion of a man who did his duty. He fought in a war that he considered unjust, that he felt was mismanaged, that ultimately accomplished very little. But, even as he longed for his own home and his own farm, he looked through the scope of his gun and saw the person he was told was his enemy–farming in no man’s land because he was hungry–and Grandpa had compassion on him. The same compassion that I see every time he tells his stories.


Unabashed Packrat

I’ve been a packrat since my earliest childhood–saving everything, generally for the sake of “projects”. I could throw away those little boxes that the decongestant comes in, but who knows? I might need them for a project someday. I could throw away those panty hose with runs–but there are lots of projects that could use them. So I keep almost anything.

I’ve started to get a little better about throwing things away–pantyhose, for example. I’ve discovered that I don’t really end up using the pantyhose for anything. It just sits in my drawer making me have to sort through everything to find a pair without runs.

Other things, though, are still hard. I save the boxes the decongestant comes in–and recently used six of them to create a divided pencil holder/storage thing for my bookends (that I made from corrugated cardboard salvaged from work). I save toilet paper tubes–and use them to keep stray cords manageable–or to hold the plastic sacks that I get from Walmart. I stuff the sacks into the toilet paper tube and drop the whole tube into the bottom of my trash can. It keeps the sacks contained and available to use as trash can liners whenever I take out the trash.

And then there are the things that I go out of my way to collect. I do a fair bit of laminating at work, and at the top of each sheet of lamination is a 10×30 inch strip of clear plastic that doesn’t have anything inside of it. I felt loathe to throw it away–especially when I noted its similarity to transparencies. I use transparencies on occasion when I’m scrapbooking, but they’re pretty expensive to use regularly. This on the other hand…it’s free, and I’d throw it away otherwise.

So I have a paper bag full of laminating waste.

I haven’t done much scrapbooking since I gathered it, so it’s just been sitting in my closet. I considered throwing it away, but decided not to–after all, you just never know when it might come in handy.

Then recently, I’ve been reading Marla Cilley’s (the FlyLady) book Sink Reflections. She talks about her “Control Journal” inside and recommends that readers make one of their own using a 8.5×11 three ring binder. She talks about putting your routines inside page protectors so that you can use a dry erase marker to mark off each step as you complete it. I like the idea, but abhor the thought of using that large of a notebook for my Control Journal. I prefer using half sheet notebooks for anything that I’m going to be carrying around with me regularly. Besides which, my planner (which I will begin using again when life demands–when I get back to being a student after my brief respite into the leisurely life of the working woman ;-P) uses a half sheet, and it’s much easier to let everything be consistent.

But, as far as I know, there aren’t page protectors for half sheet binders. Or if there are, they’re bound to be pretty expensive. As I puzzled over this issue, the thought struck me–“Why don’t you make your own using the laminating stuff? Brilliant idea.

So I cut the laminating stuff into 8.5×11 sheets, folded them in half and punched three holes along the open edge. There you have it–page protectors for half sheets. At no cost.

I begin to think that being a packrat really does pay off.


Incurable Romantic

Romantic: imaginative but impractical; visionary; not based on fact; imaginary or fictitious

There is no doubt about it. I am a romantic. I’ve always been one with my nose in a book, living my life through the idealistic lens of the fictional world.

Romanticism has served me well for many years. It influences my perception of foods, of cultural items, of the entire world around me. I choose in advance what I like and what I don’t based on my romantic ideals.

I said to myself–“Beer is for loudmouthed slobs, cocktails are for silly socialites, hard liquor is for men behind doors with their cigars. Wine, wine is the only truly beautiful alcoholic drink. It is the ideal.” And so, I drink wine and enjoy it. I don’t enjoy cocktails half as much. And I’ve never tried beer or hard liquor. Romanticism shapes and tempers my taste for alcoholic beverages.

In the same way, my romantic nature has declared opera to be a superb art form, jazz to be a delicious musical genre, ballet to be beautiful. And I swooned over my first opera, listen to jazz on the radio, and delight over ballet. But all of this was determined before I every heard or saw any of these. My idealism told me my preferences and preferences willingly followed suit.

And so I walk through the world with ideas from majestic to mundane. I have ideals for myself–what I will wear, do, become. What is my list of goals but a romantic to-do list meant to mold me into my ideal? I have ideals for girl-guy flirtations. I have ideals about places, foods, activities, people.

And that is where romanticism fails me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fit people into my idealistic world. Because people wear sweatpants and aren’t always polite to wait staff. People aren’t always intellectual and willing to relate the way I want them to. People, relationships, require work. They require a frank look at reality.

The ideal of an ethereal home filled with friends who constantly encourage one another falls short of reality. Reality is that we’re all busy and some days will pass that we won’t even speak to one another. A roommate will be loud just as we’re trying to sleep. Chores will be done differently than we’re used to, lights will be left on when no one’s in the room.

Reality and ideals collide and I must choose. Will I cling to my ideals and grow bitter toward the people in my life, or will I see reality for what it is? Will I lay down my desire for a perfect world in order to live with and love imperfect people? Or will I live the cold ideal–beautiful, but like an iceberg–sterile, serene, uninhabitable?


Rethinking Gothard

Occasionally, I have epiphanies–not regularly, but not infrequently either. Sometimes they excite, sometimes they challenge, and sometimes I don’t know what to think. Today’s epiphany fall squarely in that last category.

I read something that describe Bill Gothard as a cultist and, on a whim, Googled “Bill Gothard” and “Cult”. I didn’t really agree with all the stuff I skimmed, but I did start to remember some of the stuff I heard at the Basic and Advanced Life Seminar. About how milk and meat shouldn’t be eaten together, and how a man shouldn’t sleep with his wife for seven days after her period ends. I thought of how Proverbs seemed to be the basis for about everything–and I realized that something was missing.

And the epiphany–“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.” Matthew 23:15

For years I knew I disagreed with some of what Bill Gothard said, but since I also agreed with some of it, I considered him to be okay. Now I wonder. How different is Bill Gothard than the scribes and Pharisees who were so interested in all their little rules that they missed the Savior standing right in front of their noses? Bill stands and gives tons of “princibles” from the “Sc’iptures” as to why we should not listen to rock music, not eat meat with milk, have sex in certain ways. He teaches all about authority and foolishness and discipline. He speaks of family planning and courtship models. But one thing I don’t remember him teaching on is the gospel, or the character of God.

The Scriptures are not a set of “rules” or even “principles” by which to live. They are a testimony of Christ. In John 5:39, Jesus says, “You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life; and these are they which testify of Me.” But what is the one thing that for all of his Scripture quotations Bill Gothard fails to talk about? He fails to speak about Jesus Christ.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay the tithe of mint and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law.” Matthew 23:23


Reflections on resolutions and the past year

Every new year begins with a resolution. Few are ever remembered into the next. I’m sure I made a resolution last year–one fraught with meaning, one that if accomplished would make me the most amazing woman imaginable. But, alas, I end the year with no remembrance of its beginning.

But its middle has been rich. I may not remember what was on my heart as I started the year 2006. Actually, I begin to remember just now. I asked God for a husband. I bargained with Him, almost gave Him an ultimatum. This year, I said. Let it be this year. But it wasn’t to be. God had other, better plans in store. He thought it best that rather than distract me with a man, He should enthrall me with Himself.

And this last year has been experience after experience of coming to know the One who is my husband, my healer, my redeemer, my father, my lord. I planned to get married this last summer–June 10, 2006–but instead this summer was the most pivotal summers of my life thus far in my walk with God. Because this summer I learned that I am free. I learned that I am clean and nothing I do can make me unclean. I learned that I am justified, and nothing can change that. I learned that I am not a quitter. I learned that I am not a failure. I learned that I don’t need to be perfect. I learned how to be a child. Because this summer, I learned that in Christ, no bond can hold me. In Christ, I am pure in God’s eyes. In Christ, the job has been completed. In Christ, I have conquered. In Christ, I am perfect. And in Christ, I am a child.

My weblogs of the past year tell a story, but only part. I must seek to fill in the holes–the places where the grace of God has woven a tapestry from the tattered canvas of my life.

January 13:
I told of my fears going to Jacksonville.
Could the church survive without me? It did. And not only did it survive, it grew. God worked in amazing ways within LCF at the same time He was working amazing things within me.

I wondered about God’s provision.
And He has provided. I accepted some loans, but as the semester went by, I discovered less and less of a need for them. I was granted the corporation part of the National Merit Scholarship despite my loss of the University part. I was given an extra thousand in Pell Grants. The State of Nebraska gave me a small grant. My parents gave me some money. And my jobs as Health Aide and Desk Worker have provided for my day to day expenses without consuming huge amounts of time.

I worried about having to grow, and about the decision of whether to be a team leader or not.
I did grow, and not all of it was fun. But all of it was good. So much of it I had to get away in order to learn. And God, in His infinite wisdom knew that and brought me to Jacksonville. He took me there as a team member, where I learned how to be a member of the body, not always a leader. And He brought me back as a better leader for it. Because my focus in ministry has changed. I no longer have to minister to somehow make a place for myself, because I know that I belong in Christ. I no longer have to minister to somehow save someone, because I know that Christ is the Savior and He can do it all. And I no longer have to work to gain the approval of men or God, because I know now that God is perfectly satisfied with me as I am. And with this new knowledge I can now minister out of love for God and for people, without shame and without toil. What a blessing!

April 29:
I spoke of being restless, listless.
And while I still experience times of busyness and times of boredom, at last my soul has found a place of rest.

My soul has found a resting place in You
From the running of my past
My soul has found its rest
From the striving-From the fighting
I have found rest

You are my hiding place
My strong tower
I run to You
and running ceases
For my soul has found
A resting place in You

May 11:
I could list my activities but not my accomplishments.
No longer is that true. For no longer fearful of finishing and being found lacking, I have finished much this last year. I completed six crocheted scarves, perfected a prenatal nutrition presentation and presented it three times, finished my last science course of my undergrad career, created a filing system. And so many more things, still unfinished, instead of mocking at me, give me reason for cheer. Three discipleship programs are underway, a quilt in the works, one more scarf half done. My room is clean, I am 7% done with making every recipe in Betty Crocker’s New Cookbook. I have read hundreds of books in the last three months and gained valuable things from them. I have set up a time management system. But all of those accomplishments pale when I think of the one thing I have not done–I have not done anything to deserve God’s favor–yet He grants it to me nonetheless. And that is what gives me the freedom to accomplish anything.

May 11:
I wrote of being old before my time.
But the most majestic work of this summer was the paring of years from my heart, from my face, from my past. I grew up too young, taking on the heart of a woman when my body was a child’s. Desperate to fit in, to gain approval, I clung to “maturity”. Desperate to save everyone, I no longer allowed myself to ask for help. Self-reliant, perfectionist, the savior, never fitting in, shameful. I was an old woman, caught up in a twenty-one year old body. But God taught me to rely on Him. He taught me that I am perfect in Him. He taught me that He is the Savior. He taught me that I belong in Him. He taught me that no part of me is shameful, because I am His chosen. And now I am young. I wrote that “an old maid is only a woman who feels the losses of yesterday and none of the future of today.” And that is what I was, but am no longer. I now see the joys of yesterday amidst its sorrows; and the excitement of the future spurring the possibilities of today.

God has been good to me this past year. And I know He will be good this year as well.

So do I stop making New Year’s resolutions? No. This time I have written them down, because I want to remember them. Will they haunt me or will they spur me on? I don’t know exactly, but I have a feeling that this year will be different. Different because I am a different person. Last January, I was an old woman in her last days. This January, I am a young woman with her life in front of her. And even if I do not accomplish all I set out to do in the year 2007–I will still have accomplished much. For such it is with God–“All things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.” And regardless of my actions, I have been called, so all things will work together for good for me.


Four kinds of visitors

There are four kinds of people who visit the Sawgrass Marriot–those who use luggage racks, those who use the bed, those who use the floor, and those who don’t use luggage.

Those who use luggage racks are the hardest to make out. They usually use only one bed and have no personal items out except for a closed laptop and an electric razor. These are the closed books–they cannot be read.

Those who use the bed are the busy business men. They have stacks of resumes, printouts of e-mails, and conference agendas strewn about. the unused bed is piled with luggage, pre-worn clothing, and business items. Several electronic device rechargers are still plugged into the sockets. The devices are with the owner.

Those who use the floor are the families who are splurging on this vacation. They sleep in both beds, sometimes with people even sharing beds. These are the people who are most likely to bring pillows from home. The dressers and desk are stacked with fresh fruit and cereal bars for breakfast, chips and pop for snack, and probably a package of Oreos. These people use No-AD sunscreen and wear drug-store flip-flops.

The final group of people are those who have no luggage. These are the stay-overs–those who live at the hotel for weeks at a time. Their clothes are neatly folded in the drawers or hung in the closets. They don’t leave personal items around the room, but the bathroom contains a large selection of shaving creams, hair supplies, lotions, and jewelry. These people use their ice buckets for wine and order shrimp or oysters from room service as appetizers.

Then there are the few that fit into none of these categories–these are the truly spectacular people. Like in one room I cleaned today. Both beds were used and an inflatable mattress was on the floor for yet another person. A small black suitcase sat neatly on the luggage rack with a neatly folded black bag beneath it. There was a neatly packed clear storage box of family videos underneath the desk. And on the desk? A collection of Usborne and Dorling Kindersley children’s books. A few pieces of paper with a young scrawl across them. A chair held a child’s blanket folded nicely and a couple of well-loved teddy bears. And on the nightstand, a note, written in newly learned cursive. “Dear, Maid Thank you for cleaning” (Here I turned the note over.) “our room” The note was accompanied by a tip, that for the time we had to spend cleaning their room was rather significant. That family, even though I never once saw them, made my day. Yes, these are the truly spectacular people.


Incomplete Reflections on the work of God in my life thus far…

I have been learning in my heart what it means to be justified. Learning that, as a justified person, I am clean already. Shame, for the justified believer, should be a foreign experience. It is only when we believe the lie that our justification is not complete that we experience shame.

It’s funny, in a way, because Austin and I discussed this very topic on the way down here. I regarded it as a purely intellectual conversation–never realizing how much the very thing impacts my own life. Never realizing how much I struggle in my heart to believe that very thing.

I have been learning that I am not Christ. I am not the Promised Savior. I am not the one who gives or sustains life, or creates order in the world. I did not speak the universe into existence. That’s what God did. That’s His role, not mine.

When I dreamed as a child that someone was killing my brother John, rather than trusting God, I took it on myself to be his life sustainer. When I dreamed of my friends being led astray to false doctrine that would only entrap and kill them, I took it upon myself to be the truth bearer and rescuer.

When the Daisies needed a teacher, I was the Savior. When no one would play the tambourine, I was the rescuer. When a Sunday School teacher, a nursery coordinator, a PowerPoint person, a middle school girls minister were needed, I was the deliverer. But I’m not. I can’t save. That’s not my job.

Lastly for now, I’m learning that there’s nothing wrong with being a child. In fact, there’s something incomprehensibly good about being a child. But I lost that long ago. I was still a child when I took on the job of a woman; still a child when I started to deny myself the joys of childhood. And now I am old. Old beyond my years. World weary and battle-scarred. I am an old woman at 21 years of age.

I was in the eighth grade when I wrote The Holy of Holies–an almost completely autobiographical story. I was in eighth grade and my child-heart was already almost dead. Right now, I feel like I’m mostly just grieving for a childhood lost and praying that God would restore to me a child-heart again. I want to see again with the eyes of the child who was “not meant to die, but to be forever fresh-born.” (G. MacDonald)


Dependent on Black

I’ve known that I was dependent on black, but I never realized exactly how much until now, when I’m deprived of it. Dressing for dinner last night was impossible. I didn’t have any black–how was I to be cute? The same thing goes for church today. I feel like I’m just wearing normal clothes–a striped polo type shirt with a short khaki skirt and KEDS. When all the other girls look wonderful in their soft or bright colors, I merely look ordinary. Perhaps this is my idol–looking good. In that case, this summer is severely testing my devotion to God above my looks.

I look and feel the best when I’m in my swimsuit. After all, it’s black. After I get back from the beach my hair is full, my eyes are bright, and my facial features pop. Then it’s back into pastels and I’m bland again. I wash my hair and it lies flat again. My eyes and lips fade into the never-ending blahness of my dress.


Reflections on road trips

Day 1: Frantically getting to know one another. Nontstop talking. Asking questions. Smiling so much your face hurts. Trying to be cute, attractive, funny. Everything must be equal. Why won’t he talk?

Day 2: Learning that silence is golden. Brief questions interrupting the quiet. Sharing a quote from the book I’m reading. Deep conversation. Resting.

Day 3: Comfortable. No need to speak. No anecdotes to relate. We’ve been doing it together. Sing to the music. Watch the road. Calm. Quiet. No worries. We are known to each other. Settling into the mundane.


The things I’ll miss

Life barrels along, and I’m down to just a few days before I leave for Jacksonville. Z-360 gave me a bit of a surprise going away party tonight. At least I managed to avoid all out, nose snotting tears. Instead I had just enough that the girls warned me that my mascara was running. Thank goodness I didn’t try to mascara my under-eyelashes. What is it about going aways that are so sweet and so melancholy? It wasn’t so much the gift of a beach bag–although that is much appreciated. But that my girls should recognize me. There are only so many times that a woman is allowed to rejoice over things accomplished, but I think tonight was one of those nights. It’s so gratifying to have so many tell me that I’ll be missed, or just give me hugs that tell me silently. The hugs and the kind wishes tell me that I haven’t wasted the past umpteen years of service. God has blessed me with my girls, and even if I don’t always feel like anything has accomplished, somehow these girls have seen just the tiniest bit of Christ in me. And that’s what I really care about.

I’ll miss so many things while I’m gone–Jeremy and Erin’s new baby, Ashley’s potty-training, the Z-360 summer trip, the search for a new youth pastor, the youth softball team’s games. My brother got his announcement that he’s a delegate to the Lancaster County Republican Convention. I’ve missed my chance to be a delegate for this cycle. And I’ll miss two sweet months of Justin and Brandon’s baseball lives, and Brandon might forget where we’re at in the Chronicles of Narnia. And Kaitlin will grow on without me, and Amanda will finish her Lord of the Rings figurines and improve her batting. All without me. Danielle and Jeremy will get married, and I won’t be there to see. So much will happen, and I’ll be gone.

But as Daniel prayed even tonight, “Lord, let her rest.” I take such joy in the busyness of loving the children and enjoying the youth and delighting in the elderly within our body. I spend so much time serving and doing and doing. And like Martha, so many times I am “distracted by much service.” I need to get away from it all so that I can rest. And I have the opportunity to spend two months seeking the face of God. And I can’t wait.

I said that one of my goals for this summer was to see more of what God’s plan for the church is. I think I’ve learned my first lesson. Because the church isn’t something esoteric that can only be tangled through by the most complex of thoughts. No, the church is Erin, who offered her encouragement and prayers and reminded me that the baby would still be here when I got back. The church is Casandra, who hugged me and told me I would be missed, who begged me to keep in touch. The church is Cheryl, who lets me borrow her kids to love and then sends me home with a new beach towel (from the kids) and flowers and cupcakes. The church is Jason, who reminds me, if he doesn’t see me again before I leave, to have a great trip. The church is Kaitlin who offers a hug and always says hi. The church is Carolyn who learns of my upcoming nose job, and not knowing yet that it isn’t cosmetic, just tells the Lord that that’s all right, she’d like for God to bless the surgery. The church is Hazel, who doesn’t really travel that well–but still plenty often. The church is the many who have told me they got my letter and they’re praying, excited about me going. The church is Dora, who offered me her best tips for not peeling when you sunburn. The church is Paula, who offered me my pick of Beach towels, even when I lost her letter in the midst of my paperwork. The church is Starla, who cleaned up lunch for me, even when she didn’t have to. The church is these people, and so many more believers, who choose to lay down their lives, to reflect Christ, to love others.

And now that my mascara’s completely gone, I should probably end my emotional writing. Tomorrow’s a new day, full of frantic rushing and crazy last minute details. I never really imagined how much could be included in leaving my life for two months. But I also see the grace of God in so many ways. Details fall into place, great friends support me, and the hand of God continues to sustain me. Blessed be His name forever!