Incomplete Reflections on the work of God in my life thus far…

I have been learning in my heart what it means to be justified. Learning that, as a justified person, I am clean already. Shame, for the justified believer, should be a foreign experience. It is only when we believe the lie that our justification is not complete that we experience shame.

It’s funny, in a way, because Austin and I discussed this very topic on the way down here. I regarded it as a purely intellectual conversation–never realizing how much the very thing impacts my own life. Never realizing how much I struggle in my heart to believe that very thing.

I have been learning that I am not Christ. I am not the Promised Savior. I am not the one who gives or sustains life, or creates order in the world. I did not speak the universe into existence. That’s what God did. That’s His role, not mine.

When I dreamed as a child that someone was killing my brother John, rather than trusting God, I took it on myself to be his life sustainer. When I dreamed of my friends being led astray to false doctrine that would only entrap and kill them, I took it upon myself to be the truth bearer and rescuer.

When the Daisies needed a teacher, I was the Savior. When no one would play the tambourine, I was the rescuer. When a Sunday School teacher, a nursery coordinator, a PowerPoint person, a middle school girls minister were needed, I was the deliverer. But I’m not. I can’t save. That’s not my job.

Lastly for now, I’m learning that there’s nothing wrong with being a child. In fact, there’s something incomprehensibly good about being a child. But I lost that long ago. I was still a child when I took on the job of a woman; still a child when I started to deny myself the joys of childhood. And now I am old. Old beyond my years. World weary and battle-scarred. I am an old woman at 21 years of age.

I was in the eighth grade when I wrote The Holy of Holies–an almost completely autobiographical story. I was in eighth grade and my child-heart was already almost dead. Right now, I feel like I’m mostly just grieving for a childhood lost and praying that God would restore to me a child-heart again. I want to see again with the eyes of the child who was “not meant to die, but to be forever fresh-born.” (G. MacDonald)


Snippets of E-mail messages from today

E-mail 1:

I was going to go in to fill out paperwork for doing laundry at Shands
hospital today, but they called back and said that the temp agency doesn’t actually do laundry and they need to run background checks on everybody–so it’ll be at least a week before they can start anyone. So I’m back to job search mode. Blah! And I already paid ten bucks to get a TB test done at a local clinic. What a bummer!

We had a “stick night” last night–which was basically just a time of
intense sharing, pouring out our hearts to one another. It was definitely amazing. I just can’t get over how God placed our group together in just the right way, so that we can all minister to one another and help each other through our struggles. God is totally awesome!

Email 2:

I found a job. Amazingly. I’ll be doing housekeeping at the Sawgrass
Marriot Resort. I think it should be pretty neat. If I understand right,
my wardrobe is a company issued black dress with a little white apron. I’ll feel like I’m wearing a costume the entire time. Our pay will be $8 per hour, which is fantastic as a starting wage for seasonal full time work. My orientation is at 3 pm. I’m borrowing Stacy Plouzek’s car right now and had my first experience with Jacksonville roads this morning going to apply and interview. The streets are definitely less scary when I’m in control of the vehicle. Riding with my team leader, Allie, can be somewhat, shall we say, harrowing.

We’re having problems with our AC–if the AC is turned to “cooler”
which tends to equal about 50 degrees, the room is frigid but fine. If
the AC is on anything more than “cooler” the room gets unbearably wet. Even at 65 degrees, the room was too humid to sleep in–our clothes and sheets were all wet. Yuck! But it doesn’t seem we have many options. Oh well.

Email 3:

My orientation was great! I had to sign about 50 different papers, but I managed to get it all done. Okay, but that’s not the truly exciting thing about the day. I settled down to a nap around 1:30 and was planning on about a half an hour. But then I got interrupted by first this and then that. Finally I fell asleep–only to be awakened from a now somewhat deep sleep to the sound of someone knocking on my door. It was Eric (who will be working at Sawgrass Marriott as well). He was wondering if we were going to leave for orientation soon. It was 2:40!!! And we had to be there at 3!!!! Yikes! Thankfully, we made it there on time.

Tonight we had a “rally.” Jerry Bridges was our speaker and he spoke
about how justification is by faith in Christ Jesus. He said something
kind of interesting. He said that after salvation, many Christians tend
to think that the rules have changed, that now we relate with God on the basis of our own performance. But that’s not true. Galatians 2:20 uses the present tense in reference to justification, saying “the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God.” Although justification is a past event, it is also a present reality. When God looks at me, He sees me as holy.

That was particularly powerful because I think I have a tendency to think that justification means that God stuck a piece of paper in my file saying that I’m holy. And at the judgment seat of Christ, He’ll look at me and say, “My what an awful person you are. Let me check your file.” Then after He checks my file, He’ll be like “Oops. This says you have Christ’s righteousness.” But that’s not how it is at all. When God sees me, He doesn’t see my sin or my old sinful nature. He sees Christ. Period. That’s it. I am righteous in His eyes. The end.