Everybody do the doula with me…

When I learned at age fourteen that homebirths were officially illegal in Nebraska (or, at least, that it was illegal for midwives to attend homebirths), I struck midwife from my list of potential careers. I started almost immediately to look for alternatives and was delighted at seventeen to learn of this thing called a doula – a woman who helps women during labor. I looked up all the requirements for being certified with DONA (the doulas of North America) and contemplated becoming a doula many a time.

But when I got pregnant, hiring a doula was the last thing on my mind – it didn’t even cross my mind.

When our midwife and her student midwife mentioned the value of doula care at our meet and greet, I blew it off and wouldn’t have thought about it again except that my husband asked me later if we shouldn’t include doula fees in our pregnancy budget.

I don’t think I need one of those, I told him. Diedre and Cynthia will be there and you’ll be there.

But Diedre sounded like she really encourages women to have doulas, he replied. I promised him I’d think about it. I checked The Doula Advantage by Rachel Gurevich out of the library to help me think through doula care.

What I read did little to convince me. It seemed to me like the biggest advantage of doula care is having someone in between you and the medical staff, someone who can help you ask questions and make informed decisions, someone who is going to know your hopes for the birth and help you have the birth experience you want. That’s all great and I think it’s probably vital if you’re giving birth in a hospital (where protocols are king and the chances that your caregivers know your wishes are slim) – but I’m going to be giving birth at home, with a midwife I’ve been visiting with for my entire pregnancy. I don’t need someone else there.

Then, I started reading birth stories and my sensitive first-trimester belly churned. It wasn’t the birth stories themselves that made me sick to my stomach – few can match my excitement over dilation and amniotic fluid and crowning and women who press through back labor. I love me some birth stories – and have since I discovered my parents’ copy of Special Delivery (a 1970s homebirth manual complete with the birth story and photos of the author’s daughter Mariposa) some fifteen (or more) years ago. No, what was making me sick to my stomach was all the people in these stories. There were doctors and nurses and husbands and doulas and best friends and children, oh my! All I could think was “make all these people leave!”

Diedre asked me at our meet and greet if I’d consider an unassisted homebirth – and I told her no without reservation. (EDIT: On rereading, I realize this requires clarification. My midwife was NOT suggesting that I have an unassisted homebirth; instead, she was trying to clarify what I meant when I spoke of my philosophy that childbirth is a natural process and that intervention is usually unnecessary.) I want to have someone present at my delivery who has experience with birthing women and who can share the wisdom of birthing with me. I want someone there who knows what constitutes an emergency and what to do in an emergency. I want a midwife there.

But that’s not to say that I really even want the midwife intruding much. Really, I just want to give birth on my own terms. I want as much privacy as possible to labor my way – and to cling to my husband as we labor our way. I don’t want an audience. (I may not be the most private person, but I am a very independent one – and having a whole lot of people around during delivery is not my idea of fun.)

Having read The Doula Advantage, I was pretty sure I don’t want a doula. That said, I promised Daniel that I’d discuss it in greater depth with Diedre and Cynthia.

I did and was greatly relieved when Diedre informed me that, while a doula is generally beneficial for most women, I should go with my gut here. (She did, of course, clarify that she and Cynthia may NOT be able to provide doula-like coaching care for the entirety of my delivery – because they need to focus on providing midwife care. And that’s just fine with me!)

Did you have a doula when you delivered? Did you prefer to labor in private or did you want lots of people around? Wanna share your birth story? I’d love to hear it (and I promise I’m getting that gag reflex under control.)

8 thoughts on “Everybody do the doula with me…”

  1. You sound like me! I want to be able to labor on my own without a lot of people there. I briefly looked for a doula here in Nebraska, but many doulas won’t attend homebirths. With that said, I eventually decided that was fine with me becuase I don’t need extra people. I want my husband there and one other person (typically my mom or sister) just to help out. (I like my husband to be right with me so it’s nice to have someone else there to get me something to eat or drink or something if I need it.)

    My sister though had a doula at her last birth, and she thought it was great! Each woman is differnet in what she wants. :)

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  2. Just this past week my oldest expressed an interested in midwifery to me. We talked and she has decided to look into doula training to see if this could be a possible future career.

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    • That’s wonderful, Jamie. I follow another blogger whose teenage daughter became a doula (in Washington, I think) – and apparently loves it. It seems it would be a good way to figure out if you can handle the intensity of working with delivering moms! I’ve never lost my interest in midwifery, but am glad that I still get to work with pregnant women regularly, helping them to have healthy pregnancies. Now that I’m in the midst of a childbirth class, I’m wondering if maybe I should explore childbirth education (in addition to my standby lactation consulting) as the next certification to add to my arsenal :-)

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  3. I love reading your blog but never comment. Today I feel I must. I had a midwife at a hospital. Both the nurse and midwife were amazing and encouraged me in my wishs for my birthing experience. Have to admit that homebirths scare me. Have you discussed how often your baby will be monitored (especially during contractions.) What medicines she will have with her? Just food for thought. As someone who had to have natural labor stopped by medication and an emergency c-section, I can honestly say its very unlikely that I would have a healthy little boy today if I had a home birth. If c-sections weren’t around neither of us would be here. I know cases like mine are not the norm, but it can happen to anyone.

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    • Thanks for commenting, Robin. It sounds like your birth experience was a scary one with a blessed outcome – a healthy baby boy.

      Of course, we don’t expect complications, but even in apparently normal pregnancies, they do arise. That’s why we’ve established a relationship with a local OB who works well with our home birth midwife and who can admit us to a nearby hospital should baby (or myself) show signs of distress. We will be having intermittent fetal monitoring using a doppler during labor and delivery – and I am blessed to now live in a state where trained professional midwives (who are aware of fetal and maternal risks and who know their own limitations) are able to freely practice at home births. I will certainly be paying attention to my midwife’s recommendation if she encourages hospital transfer – because, as you well know, a healthy living baby is far better than having the birth experience of your dreams.

      Again, thanks for commenting!

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  4. As you know, Rebekah, I am a Professional Doula. I think the awesome part of my “labor and delivery ministry”, is that it is totally “parent led”. The mother and father make all the boundaries. There is a very wide range of involvement. I am assuming your mom will be there as an extra pair of hands, which might be all you need. I would also say that you will give your birth plan and what that looks like before you go into labor, knowing that there will probably be many adjustments during the course of your labor. Again, it is all “parent led”.
    Sometimes, having that other pair of hands aound to support, run for things, prepare food, and be the calming voice is very helpful. However, I know you and Daniel are praying about it and God will direct you!
    LOVE being a Doula,
    Sandy

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    • I’m so glad you commented, Sandy!

      I know that the many women who provide doula care are committed to helping women have the best birth imaginable – inasmuch as possible, the birth that they and their husbands choose. I probably ended up sounding a lot more negative about doula care in this post than I intended to be – mostly because I’m expressing my own anxiety about MORE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE during labor (We’ll already have three extras between Diedre, Cynthia, and my mom – and short of forcing them outside in the middle of December, there aren’t a lot of options in our small home beside having us all sitting on top of one another.)

      I think doula care is a wonderful thing, and I definitely know women who have benefited greatly from it (Debbie has mentioned many a time how much she appreciated having you there with the Little Miss!) – it’s just something that I don’t think I’ll benefit from (at least this time around.)

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  5. I’ve never had a doula, but have appreciated my birthing team of husband/mom/midwife. I’ve had hospital births (I was planning a homebirth with my third pregnancy, but then it ended in miscarriage…after that, I realized that the idea of homebirth was giving my doctor dad frequent heart attacks, so I ditched that plan out of respect for him!…but if circumstances were different, I would definitely go the homebirth route). ;-) At any rate, my midwives have been wonderfully supportive and AVAILABLE when I needed them (and have gone away when I wanted them to). ;-) I’ve also appreciated the two-person team of Jeff and my mom because, as wonderful as Jeff is, he can’t be two places at once; and I’ve been grateful for the ways my mom has helped me during my labors (feeding me ice chips, fanning me with my grandmother’s old fan, etc.). But as I’ve read birth stories, I have noticed that one of the advantages of having a doula is that she can jot down notes about how labor is going on, what the laboring mom is saying, what relief is most effective, and so forth; and I think that’s REALLY neat to look back on later. If I were to someday have a doula, I would definitely want that sentimental record-keeping to be a big part of her role.

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