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Thankful Thursday: Valentines through the years

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Thankful Thursday bannerI’ve been marvelously blessed to have wonderful men and women around me throughout my single years–men and women who have encouraged and blessed me every day–but especially on Valentine’s Day.

This week I’m thankful…

…for Kara’s card and the accompanying Scripture
One year, while I was in college, my Bible study leader sent me a Valentine with a kind note and the verse:

“For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.”
~Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

The verse and the note were such a blessing to my bruised single soul.

…for Erik’s chocolates
Three years ago, Erik wanted to bless the single ladies in our church–and while he ultimately decided that flowers were way too expensive, he and Cathy gave us all chocolates. Erik’s care and concern reminded me of God’s care–and gave me courage to continue along my single journey, knowing that I was single but not alone.

…for Valentine’s Dinner with the girls
Two years ago, we girls got together around Valentine’s Day at Anna’s and my house. It was lovely to share my season of singleness with so many wonderful, God-honoring girls.

…for Cathy’s earnest desire
At the aforementioned Valentine’s dinner, Cathy expressed her desire to see us all well married. She told of attending a function for a semi-local Christian school and finding herself scoping out the men in the crowd–wondering if maybe she could find us suitable husbands from among the teachers. It was so encouraging to have the friendship of a woman who affirmed and supported and loved us in our singleness–but who also knew our desires to be married, and sought the Lord on our behalf.

…for my Mom’s text
Last year, my mother sent me a texted Happy Valentine’s Day–which put a smile on my face in the midst of a busy day. My mother has consistently loved me and listened to me, through every season.

…for my newest Valentine
A year ago, I had no idea how life would be changing for me. I was thinking about starting to seriously search for a home to buy–but was wondering if I was giving up on the idea of marriage. Little did I know that only a year later, I’d be only a month away fro marrying my Valentine–a man who loves me and leads me with patience and care. His love has been a great stabilizing force in this new season in which I find myself.

…for my oldest Valentine
The many things I’m thankful for this Valentine’s Day have been gracious gifts from a loving God. But nothing can compare to my very first Valentine’s Day. No Valentine is more precious than the One God purposed and executed nearly 2000 years before I was even born.

I am overflowing with thankfulness for the Valentine that so clearly demonstrates God’s undeniable, unalterable love for me.

Many times, over a dozen Valentine’s Days, I asked with mixed emotions: “How much do You love me? How much do you love me when I am still single? When I am struggling? When I can’t see the end of the pit I’m in? How much do You love me?”

And, like the saying stitched on the “confirmation” quilt reminds me, Jesus’ response was “This much.” And He stretched out His arms and died.

Thank You, precious Savior, dearest to me above all.

Thank You for giving me Yourself–my best ever Valentine.

Categories Everyday Life

Life These Days

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I love my life.

I am doing what I love-helping women feed their families better, doing nutrition education. I work for a program I believe in, with people I enjoy. I work just 40 hours a week.

I am in the same city as the man I love. I get to see him every day. I cook (almost) every day for a man who compliments my food and gladly eats the leftovers.

I am in the process of making a home in a lovely little house, with hardwood floor like I’ve always dreamed about and an abundance of windows. Daniel and I have complete freedom to paint the walls, build things, and tear things down. It is our home.

I am surrounded by great people. I have Happy Food every Tuesday, where I eat good food and enjoy the company of a fascinating group of men and women. Every other weekend or so, I share meals with friends of Daniel’s who are becoming my friends too–couples, singles, older people and younger. I have a mentor that I meet with to discuss life, to pray with and be encouraged by.

I am preparing for my wedding. In less than a month, I will marry a man beyond my dreams–whose mother refers to us as a “matched set” (isn’t that the sweetest–and possibly scariest–thing you’ve ever heard?) I am deliriously happy.

Life is wonderful.

And it is SO HARD.

I left Daniel’s house last night and started crying.

Sobbing.

Bawling.

I almost had to pull over because I could hardly see.

The girl working at the McDonald’s drive-through looked at me with pity, no doubt wondering about my red eyes, running nose, and the tears dripping off my chin.

Once I was home, I had to sit in the car for several minutes, trying to calm myself enough to not wake the people I live with with my sobs.

It is hard.

So many changes, so many disruptions to my usual routines. So much work to do, so little progress seeming to be made. So much on my mind, so much in my heart, so much.

It’s overwhelming, it’s…

It’s hard.

If you get a chance, pray for me.

Pray that I would sleep. Pray that I would remember to eat. Pray that I wouldn’t stress about all that has to be done. Pray that I would have discernment to know what doesn’t have to be done.

And pray for Daniel, who has to put up with this crazy-emotional-woman turning his life and routines and home upside down.

Categories Book Reviews

“Communication: Key to Your Marriage” by H. Norman Wright

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Most of my reading over the past month has fallen under one narrow category: premarital counseling.

Daniel and I were assigned four books to read in eight weeks time–which means we’ve been busy reading–and much of our reading has felt like the modern-day tale of a thirsty man trying to drink out of a fire hydrant.

Communication: Key to Your Marriage by H. Norman Wright has certainly felt that way.

It’s not hard to figure out what Communication is about–but, lest you think you’ve heard everything you need to know about communication… This book is special.

What makes this book so special is that there are questions every couple of pages all the way throughout–questions that don’t have to be discussed with your spouse, but ones that really should be discussed with your spouse.

For example, Wright discusses levels of conversation and then asks about each level: “When does this type of conversation occur in your marriage? Which of you tends to use this style of conversation most?”

After discussing obstacles to listening, Wright asks: “Of the nine obstacles to listening that were listed, which three will you select to work on this week? Which three would your spouse like you to work on? Discuss your lists to discover how you can assist one another.”

In addition to “standard” communication fare, Wright discusses sex differences in communication and personality differences in communication. I nodded my head and “Mmm-hmm”-ed my way through this section of the book, noting place after place where either my femaleness or my personality affects how I communicate. This was also where I felt like a desperately thirsty woman drinking from a fire hydrant.

Daniel and I had a wonderful time discussing the first three or four chapters bit by bit. But with only a couple of days before our next premarital counseling session, we still had a half dozen chapters to go–so we settled in on the couch for an evening of marathon reading.

Unfortunately, Daniel and I read at different paces–and we had so much to read that we just simply couldn’t stop every two pages to discuss.

Hence my (I think our) resolve to revisit this book after we are married, when we have plenty of time to talk through our different communication styles and preferences.

We’ve already benefited from some of the concepts within–and I have little doubt that Communication (both the book and the, uh, concept) will be a great resource for our marriage.

Rating:5 Stars
Category:Marital Communication
Synopsis:H. Norman Wright helps couples learn to communicate well in order to form a stronger marriage
Recommendation: This is definitely a worthwhile book for couples to work their way through–whether they think they have communication “issues” or not. (For the record, Daniel and I feel that we communicate pretty well with one another–but we still have plenty of room for improvement.)

Categories My Beloved Daniel

Meeting the Folks

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This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

“The only bummer about this weekend,” I told my sister as we did some quick shopping the morning after I met Daniel in person, “is that I don’t get to see the Little Miss while I’m in town.”

Anna agreed that this was a bummer, and we continued on.

A few minutes later, she told me that I’d get to see the Little Miss after all. “I told Daniel that if he brought her by Mom and Dad’s house around 1:30, he’d get a chance to meet Daniel.”

Ah.

Yes.

Because introducing Daniel to the whole of my family was definitely my intent. (Not!)

Nevertheless, when Daniel knocked on the front door, a decent contingency were present. Mom and Dad, of course–but also Anna, Daniel, and the Little Miss (I feel like either Joshua or Grace were also there–but I could be wrong).

He knocked, I introduced him to Mom and Dad and the others. We sat down and had brief awkward conversation. Then we left.

For our first date, Daniel took me first to Lincoln’s quilt museum. We enjoyed perusing the quilts hand in hand, commenting on composition and construction. I spent way too much time explaining how quilts are made, what different designs are, and why certain quilts were more difficult to construct than others. Daniel listened patiently.

The last exhibit was a collection of signature quilts–and we had fun looking over the names penned or embroidered across the tops. We talked about family names, about women signing their names Mrs. Husband’s-first-name Last-name, about names we liked or didn’t like. We found someone with the first name “Happy” and Daniel decided that was a great name. I reminded myself throughout our conversation that I did not have permission to think about meshing our families names, about calling myself “Mrs. Daniel Garcia”, about the horror of having a child “Happy Garcia.”

As we left the museum, I apologized for my enthusiastic talkativeness. Daniel assured me that he enjoyed it–that he was interested in hearing about what I find interesting. I didn’t exactly believe him, but we were on to the next thing.

We got back in the car and Daniel drove me out to his parents’ house.

You see, a couple of weeks back, Daniel had mentioned that his parents would be traveling to see him in a little over a month’s time. He’d asked if maybe I wanted to drive down with them to Wichita.

I’d agreed and our second meeting was planned.

As the time drew nearer, Daniel’s mother thought it best that I meet them before the long car trip to Wichita–so Daniel and I took time during our date to meet his dad (Paula was out of town that weekend, so I could only meet Rick.)

Daniel and I sat on opposite ends of the couch, talking books with Rick and with Daniel’s younger sister. We had chanced upon a congenial topic and conversation generally moved smoothly–except that I kept wishing I were sitting just a little closer to Daniel, that he were holding my hand across the couch instead of holding his own in his lap.

Categories Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday: C walks with A, O, or U

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Thankful Thursday bannerIf you had learned phonics using “Little Patriots Read”, you would have learned the incredibly valuable little jingle: “C walks with A, O, or U to make the hard C sound.”

I (obviously) learned phonics using the aforementioned curriculum, and have since internalized its truth. I now rarely have trouble distinguishing whether to pronounce a hard C or a soft C.

That said, this week’s thankfulness has little to pull it together–except for the hard C sound.

This week I’m thankful…

…for the companionship of a dear friend
I spoke deceptively in a previous post when I said that I had left everyone (save Daniel) when I moved to Wichita. It just so happened that a good friend of mine from Columbus was transferred to Wichita with her job right about (exactly) the same time I was moving down. Ruth invited herself over for dinner and a movie last Friday–and I’m so glad she did. It was wonderful to spend time with my friend.

…for a nut house and bags of candy
I was lamenting the lack of bulk foods at our local chain of grocery stores, when Daniel informed me that he would take me to the Nifty Nut House. He made good on his promise this weekend. At the nut house, I was overwhelmed with an abundance of bulk nuts and candies (although the dried fruit was already portioned, rather to my disappointment.) I didn’t need any nuts at the time, but I was glad to know of the store and its contents. I was also glad for the new flavors of Jelly Bellies we brought home with us. We’ve been snacking on flavors like “Chili Mango” and “Coldstone Apple Pie a la Mode” throughout the week.

…for new and novel forms of communication
Daniel and I were in the kitchen on Saturday when Daniel asked “What is that?” I went to investigate the noise coming from the living room and laughed out loud when I realized what it was. How quickly I forget (now that I’m not hearing it every day) what Skype’s ringtone sounds like. My tablet was ringing, my parents calling. Before the end of the conversation, I ended up talking with a representative of every branch of my family save one (Mom and Dad and Joshua at home, Anna in Columbus, Daniel in Wisconsin, and John in Okinawa). It was lovely to sit beside Daniel and Skype with my family, flung across the globe.

…for an ongoing cooking war between the men in my family
John started it, posting a picture of Chicken Parmesan on Facebook with a caption likening his self-congratulation of his cooking to our father’s when we were growing up. I don’t know if he issued a challenge or what, but soon self-congratulatory food pictures were flying across my Facebook news feed. John makes his wife pizza; Dad make tomato basil soup for his. John makes Swedish meatballs, Dad smokes ribs. Then Daniel has joined the fray with his own cooking. Timothy and Joshua are not to be outdone and add their own pictures. Soon all our acquaintances are remarking on the Menter men’s cooking thing.

…for finally seeing clients
I spent my first few weeks at WIC in training, reading policies and procedures and learning the Kansas WIC computer system. This week, at long last, I’m seeing clients–first with other professionals and now on my own. It’s so wonderful to be back doing what I love–counseling clients and helping them feed their families well.

…for a (relatively) comfortable couch
I haven’t been sleeping that much lately, for a variety of reasons–but I’m thankful for what sleep I’ve been getting. This past week, a lot of that has been on Daniel’s couch, napping in the early (and late) evening. It’ll be nice when I can sleep in bed (my mom swears that you get a lot more sleep when you’re married than when you’re engaged–and I’m really hoping she’s right), but for now I’m thankful for the sleep that I get, wherever I get it–and for the couch that, more often than not, has been the site of my sleep.

…for accountability along the way
I don’t remember asking for a mentor, but apparently I did–and so Daniel went about following through with our pastor regarding finding me one–and I am so glad he did. Greg asked me a bit about what I was thinking and matched me up with a woman from church. We met for breakfast this last weekend–and I think it’s going to be wonderful. I look forward to learning from her and being held accountable by her as I embark on this totally unfamiliar season of life.

If the creation were the only evidence of God’s goodness, it would be far beyond what I deserve. If the cross were the only evidence of God’s goodness, it would be far beyond my wildest dreams. But God has chosen to lavish blessing on blessing. From C to C, His grace amazes me.

Thank you, thank you Lord.

Categories Homemaking

The Betsy Kitchen

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The process of arranging my belongings into Daniel’s house (which I have affectionately named Betsy) has been a long one.

Betsy is small and both Daniel and I have a lot of stuff.

It took me four weeks to declare the first room of the house (the kitchen) done (and even now, there’s plenty I’d like to do with Betsy’s kitchen at some point.)

Future plans notwithstanding, I feel a little surge of joy every time I walk into Betsy’s kitchen-the joy of knowing that things are in order.

My kitchen

While Betsy’s kitchen is Tiny (note the capital “T”), it does have the advantage of having cupboards all the way to the ceiling. I can’t say how much I appreciate this. The little corner shelves are an additional plus–in this case, they’re holding my super-abundant drink stuff (coffee/tea/hot chocolate).

My kitchen

The kitchen has an angled sink–which means there’s a triangle of only partly usable space behind it. Initially, this was a repository for recyclables, paint brushes in jars, and pretty much anything else that didn’t have a home. I cleaned it up, found a home for everything (or moved it to another room until a home can be found for it), and placed a cheery red fruit dish in the empty space.

My kitchen

The ladies in Columbus showered me with money with which to purchase a pantry–and boy, is it wonderful to have one. We bought a standard-issue fiberboard cupboard and Daniel cut me some additional shelves for it. It’s nice to have all my dry goods (flour and sugar and beans and rice and…) all together in one place. Thanks ladies!

I didn’t intend for the kitchen’s color scheme to end up turquoise and red–but when I got to the top of the fridge, I knew I wanted something to corral the miscellaneous items that make their way up there. Rooting through my belongings, I found two turquoise tubs (one from my Missionette’s days, one from a shower I gave for my sister-in-law) and a red bowl. If Pinterest is any indication, the scheme is something of a retro-mod fad these days–so I might just be unintentionally fashionable.

You can see one of those “projects to get done at some point” on the left side of the fridge. We want to build a very narrow shelf for canned goods in that space–but, until it’s done, I have boxes and boxes of home canned food stacked in that space.

My kitchen

There’s another of those little shelf units on the stove side of the room–and I’ve filled it with my cookbooks. For the most part, this works well, but I occasionally find myself losing a cookbook off the end. I really ought to put some of those cheapo bookends on my gift registry–but I’m incredibly lazy about updating said registry. Maybe…actually, how about I go do that now…

My kitchen

This last picture of the kitchen shows both the progress that we’ve made and the progress yet to be made. Before I came, there was a door attached to that doorway. The door opened toward the sink. The sink had absolutely no counter space beside it for dirty dishes. As a result, all dirty dishes were piled in the sink.

Now, I know a lot of women (and men) pile their dirty dishes in the sink as a matter of course–but I’m not too into that. In MY kitchen, I like to have my sink free to be used. I want to be able to fill a pan, soak a dish, peel potatoes, or fill up my sink with soapy water to do dishes WITHOUT having to empty the sink of dishes first. Which meant that getting something that could hold dirty dishes was a priority for me.

We ended up buying a little rolling cart that fits in the space between the sink and the doorway (we removed the door to make it fit). I can move the cart around the kitchen if I want to use it as an extra prep surface–and it gives me extra drawer/cabinet space underneath. The rolling aspect is pretty important, since the doorway gets a bit tight with it in place.

Of course, you can also see through the doorway down the steps–and see that I still have plenty of work to do getting the rooms apart from the kitchen in order.

But it’s nice to have a start.

I’m quite pleased with my Betsy kitchen.

Categories Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday: Great Timing

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Thankful Thursday banner

“A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.”
~Gandalf, from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring

I’ve also heard it said that while God is never late, He is rarely early. He provides for our needs as we need them, not quite as we want them. He urges us to pray that He provide our daily bread, rather than a stockpile for the week or month or year.

Whatever the merits or demerits of the above statements, God has certainly come through with the timing of this past week.

This week I’m thankful…

…for pain at just the right time
I first noticed the painful bump on the back of my head Thursday evening. By Friday, it had spread almost down to my neck and was causing me a rather significant headache. It just so happened (!) that Daniel and I were going up to Lincoln for a bridal shower my sister was throwing me. I asked Anna about my pain–and we eventually decided that it was lymph node involvement in a wisdom tooth infection. If the infection hadn’t happened just as I was on my way up to where I’d see Anna, I’d have had to have found a new doctor here in Wichita to treat me during my current uninsured period.

…for having a government job
Having a government job means I received Martin Luther King, Jr Day as a paid holiday despite it only being my third week on the job. This allowed Daniel and I to take a quick trip further north to visit my grandparents. It was wonderful to have an opportunity to introduce Daniel to them during an overnight visit rather than having to make do with just a quick introduction at the wedding.

…for daylight to drive in
I drove (Daniel’s stick) part of the way back from my grandparents’ house so that Daniel could read one of the books we’ve been assigned for premarital counseling. The daylight lasted just until we were nearing Wichita, where I didn’t want to drive anyway. This was perfect timing, since it maximized Daniel’s reading time. I didn’t have to pull him away from his book to drive in town–and I didn’t end up doing any driving in the dark either.

…for illness on Nightstand Tuesday
I got a 24 hour GI bug Tuesday morning–not something I’d generally be thankful for. But, in this case, it afforded me a lovely opportunity to get back into blogging and blog reading with one of my favorite ever blogging carnivals.

The timing of this past week has been just impeccable, allowing me to get done what needed to get done without too many complications.

Thank You, Lord, for these, and so many more unexpected blessings.

Categories My Beloved Daniel

The Pre-Date

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This is the next installment in a rather long series about how Daniel and I met–and have become engaged. Click on the “Our Story” tag for context.

We’d arranged for our first date on Saturday, September 22.

I would go down to Lincoln and stay with my parents. Daniel would come up to Lincoln and stay with his parents.

Daniel would pick me up from my parents’ house and we’d go on our date.

A great plan, all told.

But as the time drew near, we ended up tweaking our plan a bit.

It was maybe the Wednesday or Thursday before our date when Daniel told me that he’d been thinking and had decided that it would be silly for us to SKYPE on Friday night when we’d already be in the same town. Maybe we should just meet for coffee that evening?

I happily agreed, since, by that time, I was starting to wonder how awkward it would be to meet Daniel in person for the first time in my parents’ presence–and to turn around and immediately introduce him to them.

The pre-date was set.

We met at The Mill in Lincoln’s Haymarket. I was just about to the door, and wondering whether he’d already be sitting down or if he’d be somewhere in the “front” of the store or… when I heard my name.

I turned to see Daniel, already my beloved, stand from where he’d been waiting outside.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

We stood and stared at each other a while (I think) before one of us said “This is so strange.”

It was. It was so different. So strange.

To be here, at last, face to face with the man I loved, the man I knew, the man who knew me so intimately.

We’d connected as minds first, as fellow believers, then emotionally. We’d come to be friends, confidantes, boyfriend and girlfriend-all without every having shaken one another’s hand or seen one another in person.

How does one interact in person with one they have never before met but have nonetheless known intimately?

It was all so strange.

And, yes, awkward.

Even though we knew no one was watching us, it felt like everyone had to be aware of the unusual nature of our relationship. Surely everyone had to know.

We chatted inconsequentially as Daniel sipped coffee and I a steamer (maybe?)

We tentatively tried to hold hands across the table. We concluded that this, too, was awkward.

“We’ll learn how to do this” we told each other. “I’m glad I get to learn it with you.”

We continued talking, conversation the same as normal except not at all the same as normal.

We paused frequently to marvel at how different everything was in person–and how the same.

Once our drinks were cold and our eyes drooping, we dropped off our cups in the bus tub and walked back to our cars.

We said goodnight, said goodbye. I got in my car and drove home.

My parents and sisters were still up, in the family room watching a movie.

“How was it?” they asked.

“Good,” I responded. “Awkward, but good.”

Categories What's on Your Nightstand?

Nightstand (January 2013)

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Has it really been 4 months since I last posted a Nightstand post?

It has.

In those four months, I’ve become engaged, changed jobs, moved cities, and read practically nothing.

I am not lying.

This past four months, I read:

  • A Place Called Home by Lori Wick
    A re-read. Comfort reading while I was wedding planning and starting to get my possessions into boxes.
  • A Song for Silas by Lori Wick
    Ditto the above.
  • Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis and William D. Hendricks
    Re-read, this time for premarital counseling before handing the book off to Daniel. He’s almost finished with it now–and we’ll be discussing roles more in our counseling session Wednesday night.
  • The Language of Sex by Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham
    Also read for premarital counseling, although we won’t be discussing this one in our counseling session for a few weeks.
  • A Woman after God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George
    Read for personal development.
  • The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute
    A book about resolving conflicts by helping things go right. Have read this in fits and starts.
  • Wordsmithy by Douglas Wilson
    Received for Christmas. I put it on my list when I was still writing (and reading, for that matter). Hoping to resume both sometime in the near future.
  • Scripture
    This has been my only consistent reading over the past four months. It is, as always, straight from the mouth of God. Even if every other book is forgotten, this one demands to be read and reread, meditated on and mulled over, memorized and discussed. It contains the very words of life.

So there we have it. The full extent of my reading over the past four months.

I hope to resume reading at a slightly more rapid rate once I’ve got my stuff settled into Daniel’s house and once we’ve gotten married so I can settle in myself.

So, another two to three months of light reading and then things can pick up again? Maybe?

How did getting married affect your reading life? Did you still read when you were planning your wedding?

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

What's on Your Nightstand?

Categories Reflections

Leaving and Cleaving

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Almost three weeks ago now, I packed all my earthly possessions into a moving van and left.

When I stop to realize how much I left behind, it’s rather overwhelming.

I left my parents (now a 4 1/2 hour drive away, as opposed to a 1 1/2 hour drive away.)

I left my sister/roommate (who I’ve lived with for 24 of my 27 years.)

I left my house (the spacious House of Dreams.)

I left my church (where I had friendship, accountability, and ministry opportunity.)

I left my work (both in the sense of leaving the physical location/company and in the sense of leaving long-term care.)

I left my friends (the dear friends of all ages who had welcomed me into their lives when I moved to Columbus two years ago.)

When most people talk of “leaving and cleaving”, they mean it metaphorically.

I’m feeling the “leaving” literally.

And here, in this unfamiliar place where I know no one save one, I’m also feeling the “cleaving” pretty literally.

I don’t have my sister or my friends or my parents or my accountability here to talk to when I need to get something off of my chest. I have Daniel.

I don’t have people to hang out with, events to go to, activities to keep me busy. I have Daniel.

I don’t have my Bible Study girls to cry with, I don’t have K/Cathy to give me hugs, I don’t have children from church whose hair I can ruffle. I have Daniel.

Having left nearly everything that characterized my life in Columbus (and even before), I am left cleaving to Daniel.

He is the person I can turn to if I’m stressed, if I’m excited, if I’m bored, if I need something done, if I need a hug. He’s the only one here that I can be completely free around.

Except that I can’t be completely free even with him. Even as I’m experiencing part of the mystery spoken of in Genesis 2:24, there’s a part that is still missing.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

~Genesis 2:24, KJV

I am not Daniel’s wife. I am not and cannot now be one flesh with him.

Even as I find myself clinging to Daniel practically (where do I go to…), intellectually (what do you think about…), emotionally (here’s what I’m feeling today…), socially (yes, I’ll go to small group with you), and even physically, I am acutely aware that our cleaving–our union–is incomplete.

Daniel is my fiancee, not my husband.

As much as I would like to cleave to him physically, that we would be one flesh, I cannot yet do that.

And so I must leave even Daniel.

Every night, I leave Daniel. Sometimes early, sometimes late, but every night, I leave. I go home to my room in the basement of a couple who lives nearby. Sometimes I arrive home with new emotions, new thoughts, new desires that I wish I could still share with Daniel. But I have left. I cannot go back until the next morning. I dress myself for bed and pull the covers over my head.

Having left Daniel, I have now left all.

Only One remains to Whom I can cleave.

So I lay in my bed and pour out my heart, my desire before the King of the Universe.

I lay in bed and pray for grace, grace to endure the 51 days that remain for us between “cleaving” and “one flesh”.