Relationships

Categories Love Month

Men are pigs, don’t encourage them

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*I’ve struggled with what order to do these next couple of week’s worth of posts in. They don’t have quite as logical a progression as the first half of the month’s posts did. But my decision has been made for me by a late night of research and not enough time to perfect any of my other posts–so, here you have the very first Love Month 2010 post I wrote!*

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I once read a book, purportedly a Christian book, purportedly a book about modesty, whose thesis could be summed up in six words: “Men are pigs, don’t encourage them.”

I’ll be honest with you. Most of the time, modesty talk rankles me. It drives me nuts. It leaves me gnashing my teeth, but (hopefully) biting my tongue. I hate it.

I hate it because most modesty talk I hear says one of two things, neither of which is true.

How many times have you heard one of the following:

Men are visual. They can’t help it. You need to dress modestly because you don’t want to cause your brother to stumble. (Translation? If a man looks at you and lusts, it’s YOUR fault.)

OR

All men want is sex–and when you dress immodestly, you’re giving them what they want. (Translation? Men are pigs, don’t encourage them.)

I’ve heard both of them too many times to count. And I’m frankly sick and tired of hearing them. BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST NOT TRUE!

Let me walk you through these statements.

Statement 1: Men are visual. They can’t help it. You need to dress modestly because you don’t want to cause your brother to stumble. (Translation? If a man looks at you and lusts, it’s YOUR fault.)

Men are visual. They can’t help it.

That’s true. Men are visual. They are aroused by visual stimulus. They can’t help that. God made them that way. And it’s GOOD that God made them that way.

What isn’t true is that men are visual and therefore can’t help it if they’re lusting. Just as with every other sin, the stimuli (the temptation) isn’t responsible for our sin. We are responsible for what we do with that stimuli. When a man sees something that arouses him, that is not sin. Sin is when he takes what he sees and lusts after it–craves and desires what is not his to have.

So, men are visual, they can’t help it. But men can choose not to lust, regardless of the temptation to do so.

You need to dress modestly because you don’t want to cause your brother to stumble.

This injunction comes from a couple of Scripture passages.

“Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense. It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak.”
Romans 14:20-21

“But beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak. For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, will not the conscience of him who is weak be emboldened to eat those things offered to idols? And because of your knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died? But when you thus sin against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.”
I Corinthians 8:9-13

Both of these passages refer specifically to eating food sacrificed to idols–a practice which some believers felt was sinful, and others felt was permissible. Paul affirms that this eating food sacrificed to idols is a liberty that believers can enjoy BECAUSE they know that those idols have no power. But for the weaker brothers, to eat food sacrificed to idols wounds their conscience.

Paul encourages the brethren to think beyond what they must or must not do (indeed, they had perfect freedom to eat meat–which Paul affirms). Instead, he encourages them to have a different mindset towards their liberty. Instead of worrying about being “right”, the believers are encouraged to do what is best for their brethren.

Far from laying down a new law of “Don’t eat meat sacrificed to idols” (or, for that matter, “Don’t dress immodestly”), Paul instead reaffirms Christ’s second greatest command: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39)

So, the issue here isn’t dressing modestly or dressing immodestly–it’s loving our brothers. Which is where the tricky part comes in, because loving our brothers often DOES mean dressing modestly. But that’s an act of love, not a rule for proper behavior.

Bottom Line: If a man looks at you and lusts, it’s HIS fault. But you have the opportunity to serve your brothers by dressing in a way that would not tempt them.

Statement 2: All men want is sex–and when you dress immodestly, you’re giving them what they want. (Translation? Men are pigs, don’t encourage them.)

All men want is sex.

Most men do want sex. So do most women–I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want sex. The desire for sex is a good desire, a God-given desire that most people (male or female) have.

But to say that sex is ALL men want? That’s just plain wrong. While men do desire sex, they also desire companionship, intimacy, significance, respect, love… In fact, they desire a lot of the same things you desire.

God created us to desire sex–but beyond that, He created us for relationship. He created man and woman in such a way that they were to be complementary–physically, yes, but even beyond the physical. God designed us such that in marriage a man and a woman become one–not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well. This is what both men and women want. Oneness in a relationship.

When you dress immodestly, you’re giving [men] what they want.

If you were paying attention to what I just said, you can probably see the problem in this statement already.

Sex isn’t all that men want–so dressing immodestly doesn’t give them what they want. It feeds one part of their desire for oneness, but does nothing for the other aspects. In fact, it degrades that desire for oneness by promising physical oneness without fulfilling the desire for respect and honor.

By dressing immodestly, we might be encouraging men to act as pigs–to lust after our physical bodies while denying the desire for true oneness as God intended it–but that doesn’t mean men are pigs.

Sex without relationship isn’t what men want–so dressing in a way that promises sex without relationship isn’t giving them what they want.

Bottom line: Men are human, with the same desires as most humans. We can encourage them to desire whole relationships by not over-emphasizing our sexuality by the way we dress.

Now that you’ve heard all that I think is WRONG with the way we approach modesty, be sure to come back tomorrow to learn about how I WISH we approached modesty.

Categories Love Month

Absolute purity

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Four days ago, I opened my tap and learned a lesson in purity.

I’ve been drinking tap water from Lincoln’s Municipal Water supply for most of my life–and I consider it to be the best tasting water imaginable. It’s hard water, with lots of minerals–not so nice when it comes to cleaning, but fantastic when it comes to flavor.

But four days ago, I took a swig of water from the tap and almost retched. The water tasted… dirty. There isn’t any other way to describe it.

I almost dehydrated myself that first day, drinking only when I was about to faint.

The second day, I took my water bottle to campus and filled it with the tap there. Surely, it would be better. But it wasn’t. I got some water from the residence halls at lunch–it, too, tasted dirty. I asked others if they felt that the water tasted funny. I got mixed responses, but general consensus was that I was going crazy.

By Friday, I was almost completely dehydrated and I knew I had to do something about it. So I drank massive quantities of hot tea–the tea covering up the dirty flavor of the water.

Saturday morning, I got a call from one of lecturers I TA for. She said she didn’t know if I got the Lincoln Journal Star, but there was an article in the Saturday edition that explained my weird experience.

Lincoln started using a new well recently and that well had unusually high levels of “organic matter”. Apparently only those with super-sensitive taste buds have been able to detect the impurity in the water–but I happen to be one of them.

Purity: the quality or state of being pure

Pure: unmixed with any other matter; free from dust, dirt, or taint; spotless, stainless; free from harshness or roughness and being in tune; free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from moral fault or guilt; marked by chastity;

Maybe you’re living in Lincoln and haven’t noticed anything different in the water. But if you think my taste buds are sensitive, you should see God’s!

I won’t drink water that’s been tainted with “organic material.” God won’t abide in the presence of sin.

“Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD?
Or who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
Who has not lifted up his soul to an idol,
Nor sworn deceitfully.
He shall receive blessing from the LORD,
And righteousness from the God of his salvation.”
Psalm 24:3-5

“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.”
I Corinthians 6:9-10

God can’t stand sin–and He’s not going to let anyone with sin enter into His presence. In the Beatitudes, Jesus says “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). What He doesn’t say–but what is made clear by the verses quoted above–is “Damned are the impure, for they shall be barred from the presence of God.”

Which pretty much damns everyone, because we’re all by nature impure.

And we can do nothing to make ourselves clean. The Bible says that all our righteousness is as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). We are impure. We can do nothing to to make ourselves pure. Impurity cannot abide in the presence of God. Therefore, we can not abide in the presence of God–and we can’t do anything to make ourselves able to abide in the presence of God.

Yet there is hope. God has made a way for the impure to become pure–a distillation process, if you will.

“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
I Corinthians 6:9-11

Through Christ, the impure can be made pure.

“For if the blood of bulls and goats and the ashes of a heifer, sprinkling the unclean, sanctifies for the purifying of the flesh, how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”
Hebrews 9:13-14

But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I John 1:7-9

Jesus Christ is in the business of cleansing and purifying the unclean.

There are three potential responses to an awareness that God cannot abide impurity.

The first response is to try our hardest to be pure. But, as I’ve already mentioned, we can do nothing to make ourselves pure. Any attempts to purify ourselves are only dead works–more of the very thing we must be saved from.

The second response is to recognize and accept Jesus’ cleansing work on the cross and its sufficiency–and to continue to sin however we like. After all, Christ has made the impure pure–and His work covers all our sins (past, present, and future)–so why not keep on walking in impurity? Romans 6:1-4 addresses the folly of this response:

“What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? – Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.”

The third, and appropriate, response is to recognize and accept Jesus’ cleansing work on the cross and its sufficiency–and to desire to walk in purity out of love for the One who has made us pure. This love compels us to ask not “how impure can I be and still be acceptable” but “how pure can I be?”

The Christian should be serious about purity because God is serious about purity.

As we begin to discuss the “practicalities” of male/female relationships, lust, and the like, we need to establish our goals.

Is our goal to keep the “organic matter” low enough that most people can’t taste it? Maybe our goal is to trick our own taste buds into accepting impurity by covering it up with something else (like my making tea out of impure water).

But in the letters to Timothy, Paul makes clear that our goal should be absolute purity.

“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
I Timothy 5:1-2 (NIV)

The words “pure” or “purity” occur six times in the two epistles Paul wrote to Timothy–and each time, it was an injunction to Timothy to be pure, keep himself pure, or act in purity.

Resolve today to glorify God by living a life marked by absolute (complete, unquestioned) purity.

Categories Love Month

Skills in Singleness

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If God does indeed have a purpose in my singleness, then it probably follows that the best use of my time of singleness is NOT moping over my lack of a husband, a boyfriend, or some other “significant other”.

But what should I be doing while I’m single?

The love months of my youth gave some advice: pray for your future spouse, prepare to be a good spouse yourself. Good advice, but incomplete (in my *humble?* opinion.)

I would propose that while singleness can be used as preparation for marriage, the primary goal in singleness should not be preparation for marriage but… well, glorifying God by being conformed to His image.

You can learn skills in singleness that can bless you, your friends and acquaintances, your family, your church–and ultimately God–whether you remain single or eventually marry.

What are some of these “skills in singleness”?

I think Paul’s letters to Timothy are a good starting point.

  • Learn to be a person of prayer (I Tim 2:1-8)
    Too few of us, myself included, have established strong prayer lives–yet Paul states that this is essential for living a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence.
  • Learn modesty, good works, and submission (I Tim 2:9-14)
    Women are encouraged to adorn themselves with modesty, with good works, and with submission. This is a skill we can grow in, even as single women.
  • Learn discernment (I Tim 4:7-8, 6:20-21, II Tim 2:15-19)
    Paul commands Timothy to “reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise [himself] toward godliness.” So we too, would do well to develop discernment in doctrine and practice.
  • Learn to walk in purity (I Tim 4:12, 5:22, II Tim 2:21-22)
    Contrary to the depraved world in which we live, where singles are encouraged to do whatever they like, Christian singles are called to live lives of purity.
  • Devote yourself to the Word of God (I Tim 4:13,15-16, II Tim 1:13-14, 4:2-4)
    I believe single adults have a unique opportunity to dig down deep into the Word of God–both reading it, speaking it, and doing it. Paul says singles are not distracted–what better time to “give attention” to the Word?
  • Learn to walk in your giftings (I Tim 4:14, II Tim 1:6, 4:5)
    Singleness is also a great time to learn what your gifts are and to begin to practice them. Don’t sit around and wait until you are married to get involved within your local church and your community. Ask God what role He would have you play–and get doing it. Don’t waste your singleness by living only for your own pleasure.
  • Develop healthy relationships (I Tim 5:1-2)
    Paul encourages Timothy to develop healthy relationship with older men and older women (treating them as parents) and with younger men and women (treating them as brothers and sisters). We can learn how to glorify God and honor others in our relationships.
  • Learn to take care of your physical body (I Tim 5:23)
    Of course, I’d add this part–but Paul says it: “No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for your stomach’s sake and your frequent infirmities.” We can (and should) learn good health practices while we are still relatively young. Learn good sleep habits. Learn to eat well, to exercise, to get regular medical care.
  • Learn to be good employees (I Tim 6:1-2)
    This is a biggie. We can, and should learn to be good employees within this world. Remember that your reputation as an employee can either bring God glory or blaspheme His name. That’s a big deal.
  • Learn contentment (I Tim 6:6-10)
    I’ve spoken already of contentment with being single–but contentment goes further than that. We can learn to be content with our circumstances, with our possessions, with our relationships.
  • Be discipled and disciple someone (II Tim 2:2)
    Paul encourages Timothy to take what he (Timothy) has learned from him (Paul) and to teach it to others. Timothy is one link in the chain of making disciples. In the same way, we ought to be links in the chain of discipleship. Seek out older believers who can mentor you. Don’t wait until you have kids of your own to begin to pass along what has been entrusted to you. Find a younger man, a younger woman, a child, that you can commit the word of God to. I promise you won’t regret it.
  • Maintain your focus (II Tim 2:3-7, 4:5)
    Endure hardship. Resist temptation. Look forward to the prize. Don’t let either the trials or the pleasures of this world distract you from the treasure that is Christ Jesus.
  • Learn humility (II Tim 2:24-26)

    This one gets me every time. Learn humility–avoiding worthless disputes. Being gentle. It’s tough, but it’s necessary.

Recognize that singleness is not a sit-on-your-hands-until-something-better-comes-along time. Singleness is a time when we should be fully focused on God and on advancing His kingdom. Singleness is a time when we can develop our relationships with God, with His body, and with the lost. Singleness is a time to grow in godly character and to be conformed into the image of Christ. Don’t waste your singleness.

(A few extras I might add from my own experience to the list above: learn to hear the voice of God, learn to trust God with everything, learn to resolve conflicts, learn to serve one another with love, learn to budget your time and money, learn to give sacrificially of time and money, learn to be a member of the body.)

Categories Love Month

Why am I single?

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In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the journey towards contentment in singleness has certainly been a long one for me (and one that’s still not quite over).

I’ve come to realize, though, over the course of the years, that part of my difficulty with contentment in singleness comes from an incorrect view of what singleness is and what it’s for.

You see, I’ve been prone to divide the world into two parts (as my statistics teacher would say) in a grid that looks something like this:

Marriage Singleness
Good Bad
First class Second rate
God approves God disapproves
Gift Burden
Fun Boring

Unfortunately, this worldview was supported by many of the things I saw around me–specifically in the way I saw single women being treated in the church. People threw parties for and fawned over the newly engaged woman, but completely ignored the single woman who just bought her first house. Single women might show up for a ladies meeting only to find that the topic was switched at the last minute to “Honoring our husbands”. Sermon illustrations assumed that everyone was either married or in their parent’s household. Single women became defined by a role, but had few relationships. One woman was the “Sunday school lady”. Another was “the overhead girl” (back in the olden days when we used overheads instead of computer projectors.) They were their role, and nobody seemed to care how they were doing–so long as they were still doing what they were supposed to do.

I never planned on being one of those women. I’d be married before I left college and wouldn’t have to worry about the singleness problem. Everybody agreed. My wifely resume was is :-) impressive. I was pretty, I was friendly, I was smart. I could cook, clean, and sew. I’d make a wonderful wife. And of course, I’d get married.

When my expected date of marriage arrived and passed (I’d decided on June 10, 2006 somewhere in middle school), I started to rethink. Maybe marriage wasn’t a guarantee. Maybe singleness would be a part of my story.

That’s when I started to look at what GOD says about singleness.

What I found surprised me.

They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Matthew 19:7-12

I’m sure I’d read this passage before, but this time, it truly blew me away. The disciples had just heard Jesus teaching on marriage and divorce and went “Whoa–that’s tough! Why, it’d be better to not marry if that’s true.” And Jesus pretty much says “You’re right–but not everybody can handle it (not marrying).”

Then He talks about three different circumstances in which one becomes an eunuch. Of course, becoming an eunuch and being single are a bit different–but the context of this passage (the disciples’ comment that “it is better not to marry”) leads me to believe that Jesus is not necessarily speaking only of physical emasculation but of the state of not marrying (being single). So, Jesus’ three circumstances for becoming an eunuch (or being single)–that way from birth, made that way by men, or become that way in order to serve God.

Some people are born with no desire to marry. They are born content in singleness, they have little desire to change that. I’m willing to bet that this is a minority. Some people have circumstances (either good or bad) that cause them to either desire to be single, or to be single despite a desire otherwise. And some people choose to be single (perhaps despite opportunity otherwise) in order to better serve God.

Okay. That’s not that weird, I guess. But Jesus’ last statement blows me away. “He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” Accept what? Accept being a eunuch, a celibate, a single.

I nearly dropped my jaw. Did He just say what I thought He said? He said that if I can be single, I should be single? He just agreed with the disciples that it’s better (or at any rate, good) not to marry?

Paul further challenged my view of singleness:

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I Corinthians 7:8-9

He says it’s GOOD for a woman not to marry. Really.

In relation to a specific (unknown) circumstance, Paul says:

Now concerning virgins: I have no commandment from the Lord; yet I give judgment as one whom the Lord in His mercy has made trustworthy. I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress—that it is good for a man to remain as he is: Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such will have trouble in the flesh, but I would spare you.

I Corinthians 7:25-28

He says that given the current situation, it’s good for the unmarried to stay unmarried. It’s not sinful for them to marry–but it’ll spare them trouble if they don’t.

Hmm. That’s not the way I was wont to think of marriage and singleness. Singleness is less trouble?

That’s where the real challenge to my thinking comes in.

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.

I Corinthians 7:32-35

Paul speaks of the big difference between a single woman and a married woman. The single woman is free from distraction and is able to fully devote herself to God. The married woman is distracted–caring about the “things of the world”.

This picture of singleness and my picture of singleness didn’t jibe. God was calling singleness GOOD. He was APPROVING of singleness. He was saying that a single person could be MORE effective in His kingdom even than marriage.

I had to change my thinking about singleness. I had to reevaluate my assumption that singleness was a consolation prize for those who didn’t manage to “score” marriage.

I had to stop asking “Why am I not married?” and start asking “Why am I single?”

If God considers singleness good, and states that it can be a time of great effectiveness for the kingdom of God–then I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get serious about glorifying God as a single woman.

In yesterday’s post, Anna said: “I could waste time searching for that “perfect someone”, but I would miss out on the purpose God has for me today.” That couldn’t be more true. The truth is that God has me as a single woman at this time in my life and God has a purpose in everything He does. My job then, as a single woman, is to seek out God in this season–and to rejoice as He unfolds His purpose through my (single) life.

Categories Love Month

Always a guest, never a bride (Guest post)

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I asked my sister to write a guest post for Love Month because I think her perspective as a single woman is valuable. At first, Anna shied away from the prospect, thinking that she had little to share that I wouldn’t have already shared–but I think you’ll agree that her story adds greatly to this month’s topic.

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It seems like I’ve been attending weddings all my life. It all began with my mother’s siblings. Many of my friends attended their first wedding as a teenager, but I can remember 10 different wedding that I attended before age 16. As a child, weddings were a time to see cousins and eat cake. I was happy to celebrate and occasionally had a role to play: flower girl, punch server, gift receiver. During my teenage years I spent some time dreaming of what my own wedding would be like, who my bridesmaids would be, what colors and songs I would choose. But that wedding never came about. Many of my high school and college friends are married, and half of my Physician Assistant class got married during the time we were in school. Still, there is no relationship for me. Am I destined to be single for the rest of my life? Always a guest, never a bride?

Two weddings stand out to me. The first was that of a close high school friend. She had been dating for several years, but when I heard of the engagement, bitterness filled my heart. I remember driving home from a card party, sobbing, desperately praying the words of a song that “just happened” to be playing.

“All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.” Enough by Chris Tomlin

I didn’t believe at that point that God was all I need. I was envious of my sister in Christ, bitter that “life was passing me by.” Absurd, I know. I was only 19!

The second wedding has not yet occurred. It is that of my brother and his fiancée this summer. Here I am, 26 without a man in sight, ecstatic that my little brother is getting married. When I heard the news, I screamed with joy. I actually woke up one roommate and thoroughly scared the other one with all the racket! There was no thought of myself in that moment, no sorrow that I would be attending another wedding as a single woman. What a difference in my attitude!

Paul admonishes the church to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15) While this includes outward actions, most of rejoicing with people has to do with the heart. My ability to rejoice with my friends in their marriage depends directly on my trust that God IS all I need.

Contentment in singleness while attending weddings is difficult. I don’t like RSVPing for one, being pushed to the front for the bouquet toss, not having a dance partner. I do wish to be married one day! But if that was my focus, life would be miserable. I could waste time searching for that “perfect someone”, but I would miss out on the purpose God has for me today.

A turning point for me was reading Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? by Carolyn McCulley. Carolyn encourages women to regard singleness as a gift from God and to find purpose in fulfilling a unique role in the church. I encourage each person, male or female, single or married, to read this book. If it doesn’t apply to you, it will help you in relationship with the single women you know.

Is contentment in singleness easy? No, it is a constant struggle. I doubt I will ever be completely content with my singleness. I am not promised I will ever be married in this life. But I do know one thing. There is coming a day when I will be dressed in white awaiting my Bridegroom. “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.” Revelation 19:6-7

Always a guest, one day a Bride!

Categories Love Month

I don’t feel…

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I don’t feel like talking about being single today.

I don’t feel like talking about being content today.

‘Cause today I don’t feel particularly content. Today I’d rather not be single.

The apostle Paul speaks of learning contentment. And it certainly is something that must be learned.

“For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:11-13

How has Paul learned to be content? I dare say that he learned to be content by having ample opportunity for discontent. He had been placed in each of those situations that required contentment.

And how did he do it? How did he become content in each of those situations? He did it “through Christ who strengthens [him].”

He didn’t learn contentment by relying on his own strength. He didn’t learn contentment by trusting in his feelings. He learned contentment by relying upon Christ’s strength, by trusting God’s direction.

I’ve had ups and downs in my single journey, as I’m sure many of you have. I’ve had times where I experienced, where I felt incredible peace and purpose and contentment in my singleness. And I’ve had times where I felt conflicted, torn, overwhelmed, and utterly desirous of anything but singleness.

One thing has enable me to continue in this journey to contentment. That is, that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Through Christ who gives me strength, I can repent of the sin of coveting my neighbor’s home, her children…her husband. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can take deliberate steps to bless her and to avoid temptation. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can choose to be obedient to the word of God above my feelings.

Through Christ who gives me strength, I can resist the temptation to lust. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can put down the book with the engaging story-line, but with sexual or emotional content that arouses my body and heart. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ.

Through Christ who gives me strength, I can honor God with this season of my life. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can serve the body and the lost in this time. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can budget and change my oil and work a job.

Through Christ who gives me strength, I can rejoice with those who rejoice in their engagements, weddings, children. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can bless the well-intentioned but hurtful comments that others make about my singleness. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can bear up under the misconstrued assumption others make that I’d rather be a career woman. Through Christ who gives me strength, I can do all things.

The problem comes in when we focus on our circumstances rather than on Christ. The problem comes in when I look at all the things I don’t have–instead of the One I do have. The problem comes in when I look at the paths God has closed to me–instead of trusting Him with the path He has chosen for me.

Earlier this week, I was reading the story of the Exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt and I was struck by the purposefulness of God.

When God delivered the people out of Egypt and into the Promised Land, He didn’t take them by the most direct route. He led them by a longer, more circuitous route. Can’t you just see the people questioning? “This isn’t the way,” they must have muttered under their breath. “What on earth is God thinking?”

They didn’t know, but Scripture tells us what God was thinking. “God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, ‘Lest perhaps the people change their minds when they see war, and return to Egypt.'” (Exodus 13:17) God knew that the test along the “direct route” would be too much for the people to bear. It would induce them to return to slavery. And God didn’t want them back in slavery–so He led them by an alternate route.

Yet opposition came along this alternate route too. With the sea at their front and their pursuers behind them, the Israelites were stuck in an impossible situation.

Unable to see God’s plan, the people complained that it would have been better for them to stay enslaved than to taste freedom only to be destroyed.

But God had a purpose, a reason for choosing this particular route. He knew that Egypt would pursue. He knew that the way would be blocked. He planned it that way–so that “I will gain honor over Pharaoh and over all his army, that the Egyptians may know that I am the Lord.” (Exodus 14:4)

God deliberately chose to place Israel in an impossible situation so that He could show Himself as God by doing the impossible for them.

God had a purpose both in the path that He closed and in the path that He chose.

If God has you as a single person right now, there is a reason for that. There is a reason that He has closed the door to marriage and chosen singleness for this season of your life.

If God has you as a married person right now, there is a reason for that. There is a reason that He has closed the door to singleness and chosen marriage for this season of your life. (Don’t whack out on me about this season thing–I’m not intimating that marriage is not for life. However, you have no way of knowing when the Lord might call your spouse home. You may very well find yourself in a new season–you just can’t know. You have to rely on God for the season He has for you right now.)

You and I don’t often know what purposes God has in the events of our lives. Often we don’t see God’s plan. Sometimes we are tempted to doubt either God’s sovereignty or His goodness. But let’s not give in to the temptation.

We may not always see God’s purposes. We may not always feel that He is sovereign and good. But, in Christ, we can be sure that He does have a purpose–and that His purpose is for His glory and our greatest good.

So I don’t feel like a contented single right now. Right now, I don’t see God’s purpose in the path He has closed to me–or in the path He has chosen for me. But, through Christ who strengthens me, I can be a contented single right now, regardless of my feelings. Regardless of my feelings, I can trust that God has a purpose in this season of my life–and that His purpose is for His greatest glory and my greatest good.

Categories Love Month

Chasing After My Wild-Man Lover

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Yesterday, I told you about willing to give God my husband.

Fast forward two years. I’m now in a Bible program that has a no-dating policy. But I’m talking with this guy online. Talking with him a lot. Like hours and hours every day.

And God got jealous. I experienced His pursuit especially during times of worship when I sang songs like “All I want is to know You, Jesus” and “And I…I’m desperate for You.”

“Really?” God would question. “Do you really want Me? Are you really desperate for Me? Do you love Me more than him?” He started convicting me about my response to Him versus my response to this guy. “Why don’t you spend hours talking to Me like you spend hours talking to him? Why don’t you read My letters over and over again like you read his?”

So when my parents approached me about my relationship with this guy, I wasn’t surprised. And when they told me they didn’t want me chatting online with him, I knew I needed to obey.

But that didn’t mean that this experience hadn’t reawakened all sorts of desires within me. I enjoyed the companionship, the camaraderie, the emotional intimacy with this guy.

Add to this that I was making college plans, organizing my life, dreaming my dreams for the future.

It was in the midst of this time of reevaluation that I went on a retreat with the others in my Bible program. We took one afternoon as a personal time with God–and I took off into the woods for my quiet time.

I was discussing all the plans and desires of my heart with God, and whining a bit over the unpredictability of things. Then God spoke directly to my heart. “You have tame dreams.” He told me. “Tame dreams of a husband and children and trips to Europe and a nice little house.” And then He started revealing Himself to me. He told me that He’s not a tame God–and that His dreams aren’t tame dreams. Isaiah 55:8–“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are our ways My ways,’ says the Lord.”

I had been dreaming my little dreams, building fantasy castles in the sky–but God was inviting me to become a part of His great dreams. My heart had become intent again on pursuing my tame dreams, the familiar, the comfortable.

And now God was inviting me into something different.

A tree branch curved down, forming a door that reminded me of Aslan’s door in Prince Caspian.

“At one end of the glade Aslan had caused to be set up two stakes of wood, higher than a man’s head and about three feet apart. A third, and lighter, piece of wood was bound across them at the top, uniting them, so the whole thing looked like a doorway from nowhere into nowhere….Everyone’s eyes were fixed on [the Telmarine]. They saw the three pieces of wood, and through them the trees and grass of Narnia. They saw the man between the doorposts: then, in one second, he had vanished utterly…”

When the Telmarine stepped through that door, he disappeared from the land of Narnia and entered into the world of Earth–a completely different world, for a completely different life.

I felt the Word of the Lord drawing me. Drawing me to a different life. On this side of the door lay my comfortable dreams–a nice tame husband, nice tame children, a nice tame home, and an uneventful life. Through the door, there was only the unknown, the wild.

The God who had jealously pursued me while I chased after my own desires now invited me into the wild, to chase after Him. The wild was not comfortable, it was far from tame. The little glimpse I saw scared me half to death.

But through the door, a wild-man beckoned. A wild-man who loved me and had pursued me. Now He begged me to join with Him in the wild.

I looked at my comfortable dreams. I looked through the door into the wild. I saw the face of my Wild-Man Lover, and I stepped through the door.

I chose to chase after my wild-man Lover.

Categories Love Month

The Journey to Contentment

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For most of us, contentment in singleness doesn’t come in one fell swoop. It’s a journey, a battle, a day to day (or at least week to week or year to year) struggle.

My journey towards contentment in singleness began the summer before my junior year of high school. Marriage was on my mind–and had been for years–but this year, I was pursuing it with unparalleled abandon. No, I wasn’t tossing myself recklessly into the world of dating. By then, I’d officially(?) “kissed dating goodbye” (a sentiment I’ve since rethought a bit, more on that later.) No, instead, I was eagerly preparing myself for the life of a homemaker, taking over the family menu planning and gardening, trying to acquire as much “wifely” knowledge and skill as I could, determined to be ready as soon as God gave the okay.

My sister went to China that year, and when Mom and Dad and I picked her up at the airport, she started telling us about what God had done in her heart there. She told of how God had asked her if she’d be willing to give up her lifelong dream of being a missionary in Africa to serve the children of China. And as Anna told her story, I heard God’s voice–there in the back of my parents’ station wagon. “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

I knew it was Him, there could be no doubt–and in a knee-jerk reaction, I answered Him: “Sure, You can have my husband–as long as You don’t take him.”

You see, I’d read the stories–all those amazing stories of women who’d learned contentment in singleness only to have God “surprise” them with a spouse. That I could take.

But that wasn’t what God was asking. He asked me again. “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

I wrestled with God’s question for months. I begged Him to rescind the question. I tried to bargain with Him. He would have none of it. He only repeated His question: “Rebekah, will you give Me your husband?”

And, after months of wrestling, I made my decision. I didn’t want to give God my husband, but I chose to do it.

I willed to give God my husband.

Categories Love Month

Embracing the “Gift”

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“Yay…just what I always wanted,” you think sarcastically as you inventory this year’s Christmas gifts. Textbooks from your parents. A completely-not-your-style sweater from your sister. Deodorant from your obnoxious little brother. And another year of singleness. “Thanks, God, but I was really hoping for a ring this year. Didn’t I tell you that’s what I wanted LAST year?”

If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. I’ve been there many a year. It’s been more than one year that I’ve made my list on December 31–plenty enough time for God to arrange for me to get me the item that tops the list. A husband. That’s what I want for Christmas. And I’m giving you twelve months to find one. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Especially not for God.

But then Christmas rolls around and I unwrap my gifts, and self-pity hits when I realize that once again, God’s chosen to give me…singleness.

Singleness? Are you serious? Yep, He’s serious. HE seems to really think a lot of it, even if I didn’t.

I’ve been a reluctant recipient of the gift of singleness for many a year, but by God’s grace, He’s helped me to begin to embrace this thing that He calls a “gift” but that I’m all too wont to call a “burden”.

Categories Love Month

Accepting the proposal

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I wrote a half-dozen “Love Month” posts before I figured out in my head how exactly I wanted to lay out this whole “Love Month” deal.

And I’m sure some of you are thinking “What the–”

It’s not the standard way to begin a discussion of love and dating and “relationships”.

But I am convinced that it’s the only way to do love, dating, and relationships right. We can’t understand love unless we know the love of God (“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” I John 3:16) We can’t find a mate without the express favor of the Lord (“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22) And we certainly can’t figure out how to be married properly without knowing Christ’s love for His bride (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…” Ephesians 5:25)

I’ve begun the discussion of relationships with a discussion of the most important love relationship in ANY person’s life, whether single, married, or (as my mom put it in a comment a few days back) “somewhere in between”. Unless we are actively participating in THAT relationship, all of our other (human) relationships are merely play-acting, like little girls dressing up in high heels and pretending to be married, haranguing their imaginary husbands on the phone.

Beginning tomorrow, we’re going to shift gears a bit–but I don’t want us to shift focus. All of what we speak about in the upcoming month–in fact, all that we speak about for the rest of our lives–should be placed into perspective by placing it into the context of Christ and His great love for us.

Because this concept–no, not a concept. Because this relationship is so vital to our understanding of the next several weeks’ discussion, I want to make sure that you have an opportunity to become a part of this relationship.

The Bible makes it plain that all of us were born into slavery to sin.

“All we like sheep have gone astray;
We have turned, every one, to his own way;”
Isaiah 53:6

“…they are all under sin.”
Romans 3:9

As slaves to sin, we deserved only death.

“For the wages of sin is death…”
Romans 6:23

We were cut off from relationship with God.

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God.”
Isaiah 59:2

In fact, we were practicing open rebellion against God.

“Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.”
Romans 8:7

Yet God loved us nonetheless and pursued a love relationship with us. He pursued us even to the point of laying down His life for us, dying in our place.

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8

Having taken the punishment for our sins, He now offers us freedom from bondage to sin–and an invitation into a love relationship with Him. He has done all the work, has presented His proposal. We have only to accept His gift and enter into the love relationship with Him.

Will you accept His proposal?

Maybe you’ve already believed in Jesus Christ for salvation, but that’s as far as you’ve gone. You’ve seen salvation as “fire insurance”, but haven’t truly entered into a love relationship with Christ. He still desires that relationship–He paid the price for that relationship.

Will you accept His proposal?

I urge you to spend some time with God, tell Him that you accept His proposal. Enter into that relationship.

That relationship will change your life.

It has certainly changed mine.