Relationships | bekahcubed

No-Regret Relationships

February 26, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll let you know right now that I’m far from experienced at dating. I’ve dated two guys in the (almost) two years since I welcomed dating into my world–and neither of them for very long.

So I’m not an expert here (like I am with everything else I’ve said this month–Hah!) But I am pleased to say that while I have some sorrows, I have no regrets–and that’s what I’d like to share with you.

I can share my opinions, my ideas, what worked for me. I can share how the men I’ve dated have honored me. I can share my observations from other relationships I’ve seen.

But please know that my goal in this is not dogma. The last thing I want is for you to read my thoughts as rules. Instead, I urge you to read them, to think through them, to pray through them–and ultimately to trust in God and obey Him as He leads you through your own no-regret relationships (whether they look anything like mine or not.)

So, without further ado, my thoughts on no-regret relationships:

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33)
It’s easy to get caught in the romance and to get selfish–to make everything about yourself. But choose to seek God first. Choose to desire Him beyond the person you’re dating. Scripture says that God’s name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). Don’t evoke His jealousy by idolizing your boyfriend/girlfriend. Seek God first individually–and seek how you can glorify Him through your dating relationship.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
It’s easy, too, in relationships, to become anxious–to wonder “where are we at?” “what did he mean by this or by that?” “are we doing this right?” Anxiety can definitely take hold. But Scripture commands us NOT to be anxious–but instead to present our requests to God. So let God know your struggles, your worries, your excitement. Pour them out before His throne. And choose to trust Him and let His peace fill your soul.

“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)
Are you striking out on your own in your dating relationships, or are you relying on good counsel? If the former, you’re setting yourself up for a fall. But Proverbs says that in a multitude of counselors there is safety. Now, I’m not a fan of having someone else set the rules for your relationship or dictate how it should progress–but I am a major fan of having counselors. Ask for direction, ask for accountability, get counsel. And don’t just go to your friends who are in the same position as you. Remember how that worked for Rehoboam? (I Kings 12) Instead, seek out your parent’s wisdom, seek out the wisdom of godly men or women in your church. Hear what they have to say about the process, about you, about the person you’re dating–and listen. Really listen. Are they raising red flags? Don’t just ignore those things. Are they encouraging you to move forward? Be encouraged.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
It’s the vogue to tell people to follow their heart. I’m not really a fan. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful. Sometimes it speaks truth–and sometimes it speaks falsehood. We can’t trust our hearts to make decisions in relationships. Instead, I encourage that we lead our hearts. The Sons of Korah did this in Psalm 42 when they said “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him” (Psalm 42:5) They, of course, were speaking of sorrows, but this principle is equally true in happiness. Romance is a beautiful thing–but don’t let romance lead your relationship. Instead, choose to lead romance in the direction that it ought to go.

“The truthful lip shall be established forever, But a lying tongue is but for a moment.” (Proverbs 12:19)
Another big temptation in dating relationships is to conceal or twist the truth. Face it, sometimes the truth about us isn’t attractive. We’d rather our boyfriend/girlfriend think nicer things about us than the truth. Or we’re afraid that the truth (whether good or bad) will scare him or her away. And it might. Just putting that out there. But ultimately, it is truth that will be established. Lying and concealment does not accomplish good things. It might get you the guy or the girl now–but eventually the truth will be known, and it’ll still be an issue. In fact, it’ll be an even greater issue because you’ve been dishonest.

Miscellaneous hints and tips

For gentlemen:

Lead with wisdom
As a man, you have been called by God to lead and serve. You are given responsibility to be the initiator in a relationship. Consider wisely how you lead. Serve your girlfriend by pointing her to Christ, by encouraging her in the Lord.
Define the relationship (DTR)
As the leader, this is your job. You should be taking steps to lead the relationship–and to let your girlfriend know where you’re leading. Be clear with her about where you’re at in regard to the relationship–but don’t make her promises (either in word or in deed) that you can’t keep.
Guard her heart
This goes along with the last bit about not making promises you can’t keep. You need to be careful not to get caught up in the romance or the physical relationship to the point that you forsake leadership and let her think you’re somewhere you’re not. Pay attention to red flags–and when they arise, deal with them before you get more romantically involved. I can’t say how much this will bless your girlfriend.
Be chivalrous
Okay, so this one sounds a bit frivolous–but seriously. Open doors for her. Open the car door for her. Pay for her meal. Look out for her safety and comfort. Loan her a scarf if you have to :-) It’ll bless her. (Although, lest I give the wrong impression, you don’t have to be dating to be chivalrous. Those of you men who aren’t dating are certainly welcome to practice chivalry!)

For ladies:

Follow his lead
A lot of times, ladies, this means slow down. You’ve been going out a week and you’re already mentally rearranging his apartment for after you’re married. Cut it out! Instead, let him set the pace of the relationship (of course, that doesn’t mean you let him rush you into anything–but I think it’s usually the other way around.) Serve your boyfriend by not taking over his job in the relationship.
There is a flip side to this–it doesn’t always mean slowing down. This also means that you reciprocate his vulnerability. Has he shared part of his heart with you? He’s just led the relationship to this level of intimacy. Now (and not before) is your opportunity to respond to his initiative by sharing your heart. Has he been complimenting you, giving you gifts, demonstrating his affection? Now (and not before) is your opportunity to respond in kind.
Don’t DTR
Maybe I’m being redundant. I mean, I already told the men to DTR–now I’m telling the ladies not to. But really. Don’t. I know way too many girls who are slap happy about defining the relationship–and in doing so, they’re forcing themselves on a guy who hasn’t figured out where he’s taking the relationship yet. Now, if your boyfriend is physically or emotionally taking a relationship someplace but hasn’t clarified his intentions in it, you can and should put the brakes on it. But I mean put the brakes on it–not take over the steering wheel.
Don’t make assumptions
If your boyfriend tells you where he’s at in the relationship, take him at his word. If he hasn’t told you where he’s at, don’t try to guess or make conjectures. Don’t try to tease out meaning behind every phrase he says. Don’t try to find double meanings. There aren’t any. Or at least there shouldn’t be. If he’s “that into you”, he’ll let you know. Don’t try to make something out of nothing.
Respond to his chivalry
Let him open the door for you (This one was hard for me at first). Accept his chivalrous actions. Compliment him for his chivalry. Let him know that you appreciate his leadership and service.

And above all, make it your aim to glorify God and to honor Him in and through your relationship.

Stop in tomorrow to hear my thoughts about honoring God when you break up.

Love Month

Dating isn’t for Kids

February 25, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

I kissed dating goodbye when Josh Harris’s book came out in 1997. I was 12.

Somewhere around 2007 (actually 2006), I started wondering if I’d kissed marriage goodbye along with dating. I was 21 and I was rethinking my stance on dating.

My conclusion?

Kissing dating goodbye at age 12 was a good decision. Inviting dating into my life at age 21 (okay, actually age 23) was also a good decision.

Because there’s one thing I’ve decided for certain: Dating isn’t for kids.

Please humor me as I discuss this in question and answer format.

What do you mean by dating?
I mean a romantic relationship. I don’t care if you call it dating, courting, or being “friends”–if it’s a romantic relationship, that’s what I mean.

Wait a sec. You don’t think courting is for kids?
Nope. More on that later.

Why not?
Because I think that defeats the purpose of dating/courting/pre-marital-romances.

What do you mean by that?
Well, I think that the purpose of dating/courting/pre-marital-romances–
Are you beginning to see why I want to just call it dating?
–Anyway, I think the purpose of dating is to discover whether you and the other person should marry–so I don’t really think you should do it until you’re ready to get married.

Oh. I see. But I was ready to get married when I was 14.
You might have thought so. But marriage at age 14 is legal in only 7 states without direct judicial intervention. And beyond the legalities, research indicates that couples who marry at a young age (generally less than 20 years old) have significantly less stable marriages than those who marry in their early to mid- twenties (references available on request–sorry, I’m already behind on getting this post up.)

That doesn’t sound good. So dating isn’t smart until you’re 20?
I didn’t say that. I’m not sure that you can set a specific age limit on dating.

Well, then, how do I know if I’m ready to date?
That is a fantastic question (and the one I’ve been waiting for.)

I think there are a number of questions that you should ask yourself before embarking on any romantic relationship. Given in no particular order, those questions are:

Am I ready to get married?
I urge you to soberly consider this question. And realize I’m not talking about “ready to get married” as in “want to have sex”. I’m talking are you ready to take on the roles and responsibilities of a married man or woman? Are you ready to support a wife? Are you ready to keep house? Are you ready to pay bills and deal with landlords (all by yourselves)? Are you ready to potentially have children? If you aren’t ready (or won’t be ready for longer than two years), you probably shouldn’t be dating.
Do I know what my mission/calling in life is?
I’ve heard way too many sad stories of women or men who have experienced the call of God to be missionaries or pastors but have forsaken that call after marrying someone who didn’t share the call. If you don’t know what God wants you to do with your life–don’t go getting married until you’ve got some idea where you’re going. ‘Cause once you’re married, you’re not free to just pack your bags and head out–you’ve got to think about your spouse.
Will marriage right now help or hinder my mission/calling/goals in life?
When I was 20 years old, I was plenty ready to get married (by which I mean, I would have loved to have gotten married)–but getting married at that point would certainly have hindered my mission and goals. I had two and a half years of school and a 6-24 month internship to complete before I could earn my RD. And earning the RD is important to (at least one part of) my mission and goals in life. (One note here: Keep in mind that no matter how you intend to “plan” your family, you need to be prepared to have children within 9 months of starting to have sex. Just sayin’.)
What do my parents and/or trusted mentors advise?
We can’t make our decisions entirely based on what our parents, friends, and mentors say–but we should consider their input carefully. Are your parents urging caution? I’d take that seriously. Have you asked your parents or trusted mentors for advice? Do they think you’re ready to marry? Weigh their input wisely.
Is God giving you the green light?
Have you been entrusting this to God? If so, what has He been saying? Has He said to go ahead? Has He said to wait? Obey. If you haven’t been giving this to God, give it to Him and get His input first. The last thing you want to do is rashly go out without God’s direction (remember the battle of Ai in Joshua 7?)

In my case, at age 12, I was DEFINITELY not ready to get married. I wasn’t really sure what my mission and calling in life was. Marriage would certainly have hindered my mission and goals. My parents didn’t think I was ready to get married. And God didn’t give me the green light. Time to kiss dating goodbye!

At age 23, I was ready to get married–I’d been paying bills for quite a few years, I’d lived on my own, kept house. I knew what my mission and vision was. I was within a year of earning my RD. When I talked about contentment in singleness and how this time of singleness has benefited me, my parents were starting to talk about it being possible to wait too long to get married. I’d been giving the whole thing over to God–and He certainly wasn’t saying no (even if I had a hard time deciding if He was for sure saying YES!) So I turned on the porch light and opened the front door and invited dating to stay awhile.

As I near my twenty-fifth birthday (less than three weeks now!), I am still a single woman. And I’m okay with that. (Of course, that varies day by day, as I’ve confessed already.) But God has me here for a reason and I trust in His sovereignty.

Maybe some might say that I jumped the gun on dating–after all, I opened the door a couple of years ago and I’m still not married (or even engaged). Maybe I did jump the gun–but I don’t think so. I have no regrets from my dating experiences and I’ve learned TONS and grown IMMENSELY (spiritually and emotionally, not physically :-P) through this mini-season of dating in my big-season of singleness.

So, dating… well, dating is not for kids.

Kids? Take note.

But adults don’t need to be afraid of dating, either.

Adults? Take note.

Love Month

It’s hard to stop a train

February 24, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

Scripturally, there can be no doubt–sex outside of marriage is sin.

“For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. These are the things which defile a man…”
Matthew 15:19-20

“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness…”
Galatians 5:19

“Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”
Colossians 3:5

“You shall not commit adultery.”
Exodus 20:14

Most Christians (at least those who believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God) agree that premarital sex is wrong.

The difficulty comes in when we ask what that means. People start talking “technical virginity” and asking whether this is okay or that is okay.

They’re committed to not having sex before marriage, but they want to know how far is too far.

Helpful Christians give their opinions on where the lines should be drawn. “Keep your clothes on,” one person counsels. Joshua Harris famously decided not to kiss until his wedding day (after “Kissing Dating Goodbye”) sparking a whole slew of no-kiss-courtships.

But in some sense, all these rules are pretty arbitrary. Because, ultimately, except in the case of rape, sex doesn’t begin with intercourse. It doesn’t begin with undressing. It doesn’t even begin with that first kiss.

Physical intimacy between a man and a woman begins with the first touch–and from that first touch, it’s headed in one direction: towards sexual intercourse.

I believe that this is why the Bible says in I Corinthians 7:1 “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

I liken physical intimacy to a train, set in motion at the first touch and hurtling with ever increasing momentum towards its destination (intercourse). And, as a radio advertisement for heat pumps that’s been running in the greater Omaha area in the last several years reminds us: it’s hard to stop a train (Trane, in their advertisement).

So how are we to keep ourselves pure? Give us some rules. Tell us what to do.

I’ve wished I could just set myself and others some nice, clear, easy-to-follow rules that would make their relationships fool-proof against premarital sex and inappropriate physical intimacy.

I can’t.

But I can offer some basic words of counsel. First and foremost among them? Only start the train if you can take it to its destination.

If you’re fourteen years old (four years from even being legally able to marry), you have no business starting the train. Which means no touching. Period. No hand-holding, no hugs, no backrubs. Nothing. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

If you’re friends with someone or you’re casually dating them, but aren’t really seriously considering them as a future spouse, you have no business starting the train. Which means no hand-holding (again), no cuddling, no good-night kissing. It means no nothing. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”

But what if you’re older and you’re seriously pursuing a relationship with marriage as the intended destination? You’re seriously dating or courting–maybe you’re even engaged. What should you do now?

Again, I don’t have rules for you to follow–but I do have some guidelines that might help you to establish boundaries in this area, and to follow the advice to “only start the train if you can take it to its destination.”

First, start slow. You don’t have to rush into physical intimacy. Even though you might want to, it’s better for you to hold off on physical intimacy. Physical intimacy should be the last level of intimacy that develops in a relationship. Take time to develop the other three levels of intimacy before you step into physical intimacy. Because the truth is that once you start the physical intimacy train, it’s going to want to consume the rest of your relationship. You’re going to want to keep on exploring that physical intimacy side–even at the expense of developing head- and heart-intimacy. So hold off on physical intimacy–and hold off on deepening that intimacy. Just hold hands for a while before moving to anything else. Savor the small bits of physical intimacy instead of pushing on–because the closer you get to that end destination, the harder it is to stop the train.

Second, set boundaries. Maybe you’re a bit confused by this. Didn’t I just tell you that I can’t give you rules to follow regarding physical intimacy? I did. But this isn’t about me giving you rules to follow. This is about you personally, and as a couple, prayerfully making decisions about how you are going to handle physical intimacy–and how you’re going to guard against inappropriate physical intimacy. As you set boundaries, you might want to think about what kind of touching is appropriate and what kind is not. Consider what kind of safeguards you can set up to avoid temptation for inappropriate physical intimacy. If you’re still in your teens or in your parents’ household, you might consider asking your parents to help you to set some of these boundaries. Even if you’re not in your teens or in your parents’ household, I encourage you to involve family and friends in keeping you accountable to maintain these physical boundaries.

Third, I encourage you to apply the brakes at the first warning signs. Even the slowest start and the best-laid boundaries are not guarantees that you won’t walk into sexual sin.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
I Corinthians 10:12-13

Even the best plans will not take you out of the way of temptation. We cannot become lax, thinking that our rules or ideals can protect us from sin. Rather, we must continually be listening to and obeying the Spirit of God. God will always provide a way of escape–but if we’re not listening to God or being obedient to His voice, we’ll pass right by the escape route on our way directly into sin.

I love how verse 12 speaks directly to this situation: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” You think you’re in good shape, you’ve got it covered. You and your boyfriend/girlfriend agree that you aren’t going to have sex before marriage. You’ve set some boundaries (maybe even far from the line of intercourse). You have good intentions. You’re both serious about God. Watch out. Take heed lest you fall.

When the Holy Spirit issues that first alarm, hit the brakes and hit them fast. Don’t presume that you’re strong enough to handle the situation.

I was dating a godly man. He and I were both serious about seeking God’s glory with our lives and in our relationship. We’d set some boundaries. I really wasn’t worried about our physical relationship. He was an honorable man. He wasn’t going to take advantage of me. It was all good.

What I underestimated was the power of my own physical desire. We didn’t do anything inappropriate–I am not ashamed of anything we did. But, because of the nature of the relationship, even small touches awakened a depth of physical desire and I become startlingly aware of my own ability to fall. I realized that it wasn’t just a matter of whether I could trust him or whether we had good intentions–I couldn’t trust myself against the strength of my desire. We didn’t do anything inappropriate–but it wouldn’t have taken much for me to have been willing to do something inappropriate. The pace we had set, the boundaries we had established simply weren’t enough. I, at least, could have easily fallen. It was time to apply the brakes.

“Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” Listen to the voice of God and apply the brakes at His first warning.

It’s hard to stop a train once it’s started, so exercise wisdom and caution with when and how you start the train–and don’t be afraid to apply the brakes (or to jump out of the train) the moment you realize that the train’s headed to its destination too quickly.

Love Month

Guarding our hearts

February 23, 2010 2 Comments by bekahcubed

My story

When did I first hear of the concept of guarding my heart?

I’m not sure. I know that I’d heard it before, that others had mentioned it. But it never really came home to me until my senior year of high school, when I started chatting with this guy online.

He was a friend of a friend and we started talking because I had questions about a college program he was in. Our conversation quickly took us beyond proximity intimacy (the program, our mutual friend), sped right through head intimacy, and rushed into heart intimacy.

I shared my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my heartaches with this guy–and he too had shared his heart with me. We barely met face-to-face, never touched one another (except maybe a handshake)–but we had been emotionally naked with one another.

And when God, through my parents, told me that our relationship was inappropriate and needed to end–it hurt, big time.

That’s when I started to recognize the wisdom of Proverbs 4:23.

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.”
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

The heart is the wellspring of life, a source of our being. And as such, we ought to carefully guard it.

Not everyone can or should have access to this part of you. Like a private place open only to those who have been given the access code, your heart should be kept guarded, protected.

Does this mean you allow no one access to your heart? Does this mean you harden your heart to avoid getting hurt?

By no means.

Some have certainly taken this Scripture to that extreme and have barricaded their hearts to allow no one entrance.

But part of the promise of God in Christ is the promise of a heart of flesh rather than a heart of stone. God designed our hearts to be tender.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:26

Practically speaking

So then, what does it mean to guard our hearts–and how do we do it, practically?

The first and most important step in guarding our hearts is found in Philippians 4:6-7

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7

Above all, we guard our hearts by presenting them to God. HE then guards them far better than we ever could.

You have needs, desires, longings, fears, and struggles–present them all to God. Give Him your heart. He will guard it. He will protect it.

The opposite of this is what psychologists call codependency–an unhealthy emotional dependence upon another person. Instead of presenting our hearts to God, we pour out our hearts to another person–a person who is incapable of protecting or tending our hearts properly.

The truth is that no one can protect or tend our hearts completely–no one apart from Christ, that is. We can only share our hearts with another person in good confidence if we have first given our hearts over to God’s protection. Only once our hearts are safe in God can we have confidence in allowing others access to them.

Second, I think we need to realize that we simply cannot be “best friends” with the opposite sex.

I’ve heard way too many girls talk about how they’re “best friends” with this guy and they tell each other everything and this relationship is just so wonderful. No, they’re not romantically involved. They’re just friends. But then these girls are surprised and hurt when the guy starts pursuing some other girl and is no longer best friends with them anymore.

It’s time we stopped deceiving ourselves about the power of heart-intimacy. Heart-intimacy is one of the deepest forms of intimacy we can have–and we should guard it carefully. Just like we wouldn’t casually undress in front of our “guy friends”, we shouldn’t casually undress our hearts with guys.

Our relationships with those of the opposite sex should, of necessity, comprise mostly of proximity-intimacy and head-intimacy.

Does that mean we should never share our hearts with someone of the opposite sex? No. But we should place boundaries over when and to what degree we share our hearts with the opposite sex. Just like boundaries are required in a physical relationship, boundaries should be set in a heart-to-heart relationship.

In the relationship I spoke of earlier, with the friend of a friend, I had set no boundaries for what I shared. I just opened up my heart and handed it away. That guy had made no commitment to me. I had made no commitment to him. I had not promised to guard his heart; he had not promised to guard mine. And thus we grew in heart-intimacy without any thought to protecting ourselves or each other.

Heart-intimacy can and should take place between a man and a woman as they move towards marriage–but this heart-intimacy should develop slowly, in step with their commitment to one another and to guard one anothers’ hearts.

Third, we must be aware of how our thoughts influence our hearts and must guard our minds to guard our hearts.

Have you ever had a relationship where you thought maybe there was something, well, something there that turned out to be nothing? You had a bit of a crush, you kinda wondered if he didn’t like you back. You created this whole big thing in your mind and maybe even started doodling his name and yours together on your notebook. You talked to your friends about it–and maybe your friends even encouraged it. “I think he does like you.” You replay every interaction, desperately seeking to decode the messages you are sure were hidden in his “How are you tonight?” And then it turns out that really it was all in your head.

I’ve done that before. I called it a crush, but really it was a one-sided emotional affair. When it turned out to be nothing, I was truly crushed. “How did I misread that situation?” I asked myself. But I’d given away a piece of myself to that person, if only in my thoughts–without him EVER EVEN KNOWING! I’d placed my hopes and dreams, my heart, on that person without him ever even knowing.

That wasn’t guarding my heart. Sure, I wasn’t overtly sharing it with the other person. I was only doing it in my head. But my thoughts impacted my heart–and caused me great hurt when that relationship didn’t turn out as I’d supposed it would.

Ladies, especially, need to take this caution to heart: Unless a guy has specifically told you that there’s something more, assume there’s nothing more than friendship. Don’t let your heart go to places it hasn’t been invited. You’re only opening yourself up to be hurt–and you’re the only one to blame when you end up hurt. That fellow made no promises to you. He didn’t invite you to give him your heart. You’re to blame when he doesn’t fulfill your ill-placed expectations.

And girls? Guard your sisters’ hearts by not encouraging their suppositions. Let’s not encourage one another to make conjectures about what some guy is thinking or feeling. Let’s not do the “I think he likes you” thing that too often leads only to heartbreak.

Guys–you can guard your sisters’ hearts by being honest with them about where you’re at and by not initiating emotional or physical intimacy unless you have first made a commitment to them (which you have articulated, by which I mean said.)

In review

So, in review: Heart-intimacy is an incredibly deep form of relational intimacy. As such, we should place boundaries over who has access to our hearts and when. We should guard our hearts. We guard our hearts by 1) entrusting them to God, 2) avoiding heart-intimacy with the opposite sex outside of committed relationships, and 3) guarding our thoughts in relation to the opposite sex. Guarding our hearts does not mean hardening our hearts–it means protecting them as the treasure that they are.

Love Month

Levels of Intimacy

February 22, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

What is intimacy?

For a lot of people, intimacy is synonymous with sex.

I think this is unfortunate.

Merriam-Webster defines the word intimate as

a : intrinsic, essential b : belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature
: marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity
a : marked by a warm friendship developing through long association b : suggesting informal warmth or privacy
: of a very personal or private nature

If something is intimate, it is something that makes up the core of who you are. And intimacy is the sharing of yourself with someone else.

But just like there are many levels to who we are, there are many levels to intimacy. We are physical creatures, yes–but we are also soulish creatures and spiritual creatures, with a spirit, a heart, a mind, emotions. There are very real parts of ourselves in each of these dimensions–and there is opportunity for intimacy in each of these dimensions as well.

Levels of Intimacy

Others have likely come up with even better descriptions of levels of intimacy, but I like to divide intimacy into four categories: proximity intimacy, head intimacy, heart intimacy, and physical intimacy.

Proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. This is the intimacy, the sharing of ourselves, that occurs simply because we are physically in proximity to one another. This is the type of sharing that occurs with our coworkers, our neighbors, people we meet as we go about our daily lives. We relate on the basis of shared experiences and shared interests. We talk about the weather, about our hobbies, about the Huskers :-). This realm, in many ways, is all about what we do.

The next level of intimacy is head intimacy. This is intimacy formed from sharing our minds with others. We relate on the basis of shared ideas, shared opinions. We talk politics or religion or education or books. This realm is all about what we think.

Next comes heart intimacy. This is the intimacy formed from sharing our hearts with others. We share our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our worries. We talk aspirations and struggles and triumphs and despair. This realm is all about what we feel.

The final level of intimacy is physical intimacy. This is the intimacy of sharing one’s body with another.

Intimacy in relationships

I think that the concept of levels of intimacy is important because it helps us to understand proper progression of relationships and helps us to establish appropriate boundaries for relationships.

As I said, proximity intimacy is the most superficial level of intimacy. It is relatively easy to establish this form of intimacy–and relatively easy to break it off. This is the realm of casual acquaintances, cocktail party small talk. We can find common interests with someone, can watch a movie together or play a card game together. The group of people with whom we have proximity intimacy is always shifting, always changing as we move in and out of jobs, communities, community organizations, stores, parties, and the like. We experience a small degree of joy in forming these intimacies, and an equally small degree of sorrow when these intimacies are broken.

We generally don’t have–and don’t need to have–many boundaries on this level of intimacy. The intimacy is superficial enough that we don’t have to limit access to this area of ourselves at all. Anyone is welcome to know us and interact with us on this level.

We are a little more selective at the second level of intimacy–head intimacy. We don’t just share our thoughts with anyone. Here, we often search for someone who is like-minded, someone who has a similar outlook on life. That’s not to say that we agree 100% with the people we allow into this area–but we have some sort of underlying agreement. Perhaps we agree that politics or religion are important–so we discuss politics or religion. This realm narrows our group of intimates a bit more. We tend to enjoy this intimacy to a greater degree than we do proximity intimacy–but this is still fairly superficial. Friendships in this realm still come and go rather fluidly. We might mourn the loss of a head-friend, but on a general level. It’s easy to replace a head-friend. While we have some boundaries in this level, this is still a pretty superficial level. We don’t need to limit access to this area that much.

The third level of intimacy is heart-intimacy. This is where we’re really starting to get close. Now we’re revealing deep, core things about who we are. We’ve moved past what we do and what we think to what we feel. Our intimates in this realm are, of necessity, a smaller group. We simply cannot have a hundred heart-intimate friends. We haven’t enough heart to share with them all!

This is the realm of friendship where our souls become knit together, such that separation is painful. While one only occasionally mourns the loss of a head-friend–and even less often the loss of a proximity-friend (a casual acquaintance)–one always mourns the loss of a heart-friend.

It is at this point that we begin to establish more strict boundaries. We seek out heart-friends that we know we can trust–those who will be gentle with the heart we have shared with them. We seek out heart-friends who will share our burdens, who will rejoice when we rejoice, who will weep with us when we weep.

And it is here that we must begin to exercise caution with opposite sex friendships. I’ll discuss this more later, but this level of intimacy moves an opposite sex relationship beyond just friendship–whatever you choose to call it.

The fourth and final level of intimacy, physical intimacy, occurs only within romantic relationships, and ultimately culminates in intercourse. This realm requires strict boundaries. This is, at least partly, what Jesus was talking about when He spoke to the Pharisees.

“And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6

God designed this level of intimacy to be particularly deep, particularly precious. And as such, it ought to be guarded and protected until the appropriate time–with the appropriate person.

In the next couple of days, we will discuss heart-intimacy and physical-intimacy in more depth. For now, I think it’s important to recognize the wisdom of moving through these levels of intimacy in sequence. Whether in opposite- or same-sex relationships, it can be dangerous to rush through these levels or to skip levels along the way. Skipping from proximity-intimacy to heart-intimacy without establishing trust and shared values in the head-intimacy stage can lead to great heart-ache when one or both parties fail to honor one anothers’ hearts. Skipping from proximity-intimacy or head-intimacy to physical intimacy can leave both parties battered when it becomes clear that marriage is not an option (or when an ill-advised marriage ends in divorce).

It’s valuable to consider the levels of intimacy and to take deliberate steps to move through the levels in a measured manner rather than letting emotion or physical desire rush you into revealing too much of yourself too soon.

Love Month

Taking issue with lust

February 21, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

I was twenty years old before I became aware that lust was something that I dealt with. It’d been drilled into my head that lust was a man’s problem. Lust, in my mind and as I’d heard it discussed, was all about enjoying naked bodies. Since I didn’t mentally undress men as they walked down the street, I assumed that meant I couldn’t have a problem with lust.

Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I believe this misconception kept me bound for a lot longer than I needed to be.

Which is why I get serious about talking about lust–with both men and women. Lust is an issue for both sexes–even if it might take on different forms.

Merriam-Webster defines lust as “intense or unbridled sexual desire.” Ultimately, lust is sexual desire that has not been bridled or controlled. Let me make clear–all of us experience sexual desire. It is how God made us. But God designed sexual desire to be expressed in a specific way, within certain boundaries. God intended that the sexual desire of a man be directed towards his wife, to give her joy. God intended that the sexual desire of a woman be directed towards her husband, to give him joy. Lust turns that sexual desire inward towards oneself or outward to someone who is not one’s spouse, and makes the goal one’s own pleasure.

Pornography, female and otherwise

My mom mentioned pornography in her guest post a couple of days ago. She talked about porn being more than just sexually exploitative pictures. And she’s absolutely right.

Merriam-Webster defines pornography as “the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement, material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement, or the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction.”

Do you notice the common theme among those definitions? Pornography is something that arouses a sexual or emotional response. Ultimately, pornography is something that is intended to arouse lust in one’s heart and mind.

Check out the etymology of this word. Merriam-Webster says it is from the Greek “pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from pornē prostitute + graphein to write”. Written prostitution. Sleeping with someone who’s not your spouse through the power of an image or a written word.

Ultimately, I believe pornography is marked by two basic characteristics. First, pornography is like using a prostitute. It is inherently selfish. It is all about fulfilling me, accomplishing my pleasure, without any regard for the other person. Second, pornography involves a fantasy world, whether that fantasy world exists on a page or a screen. It alters the world from the way God intended it to be and instead insists that wrong is right and right is wrong.

This is true of pornography whether it be in the form of explicit photographs, movies, or books. But, like my mom mentioned, we should be aware that directly sexual images and words are not the only potentially pornographic images and words.

Case Study: Movies

For example, the most pornographic movie I’ve ever seen was… (drumroll please)…
“Twilight”.

Yes, that’s right. For me, “Twilight” was downright pornographic. It didn’t have any sex scenes, it didn’t have any nudity. I don’t even remember if there was any kissing. It was a “clean” move.

But I found it absolutely pornographic. It has all the elements of porn for me. It pulled me into an alternate reality, a selfish reality. It awakened in me a lust for an “Edward”–a man whose life centers around me, a man who wants nothing more than to be near me, to see me, to watch me sleep. It awakens in me unbridled sexual desire–focused upon fulfilling me.

Last night, I watched “Moulin Rouge” with a friend. Despite its PG-13 rating for sexual content and the pervasiveness of sexual scenes, “Moulin Rouge” wasn’t pornographic for me. Not even close. I felt sympathy for Satine, but that movie awakened no untoward desire in me. I did not enter into an alternate reality as I watched that movie.

It’s tricky, because porn isn’t always as easy as checking the nudity ratings of a movie. Yes, this can be useful–especially if nudity or sexual content is an issue for you. But we can’t assume that because a movie doesn’t contain a sex scene that it’s “safe.”

We need to be always on the alert–guarding our eyes, guarding our ears, guarding our hearts. And when the Holy Spirit speaks, we need to obey. Not rationalizing His voice away. Not worrying about what God’s saying to someone else. We just need to obey.

My sisters love the movie “Twilight.” And that’s okay. My job isn’t to judge them because of what God has told me. Nor is it to make excuses for them. My job is to be obedient to what God has told me to do. And God has told me not to watch “Twilight” again.

Maybe God has convicted someone else that “Moulin Rouge” is sinful for them. My job is not to judge that person. Nor is it to try to convince them that it’s all good because I don’t have a problem with “Moulin Rouge”. My job is to be obedient to what God has told me to do–and to encourage them to be obedient to what God has told them to do.

Case study: Romance novels

Confession: I was a romance novel addict. I lived in a fantasy world with a thousand fantasy men–prostitutes engaged to fulfill my desires, sexual and otherwise. I read Harlequin’s “Blazing Hot” novels, Christian romance novels, and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. All of them were sinful and pornographic for me at that point. They took me to an alternate world that was all about me and fulfilling my lusts.

You know what? I still read romance novels today. But I no longer live in that lust-filled fantasy world.

When God convicted me about my romance-novel porn, He didn’t tell me to swear off reading. He didn’t even tell me to swear off romance novels.

He did convict me that I was not to read the Harlequin’s with explicit sexual scenes. Period. To read those would be sin for me. End of story.

The other stuff is different. Sometimes it is porn for me–and sometimes it isn’t. I don’t have specific rules for my reading. I have to listen to the Spirit. Believe it or not, sometimes the book that was just fine for me to read a week ago is not appropriate for me to read today. I have to listen to and be obedient to the Spirit. He knows my weaknesses and knows exactly when I should and should not read certain things.

I do have one general principle that I follow when reading that enables me to walk in purity. I vary my reading. I make it a point to read a great variety of books–fiction, nonfiction, classics, children’s, whatever. I don’t let myself read more than one romance novel in a row. One might be entertainment, but two too often becomes a fantasy world of escapism. I can’t let myself escape to a world of selfish sensual desires. I have to stay in reality and focused on pleasing God and serving others. Varying my reading enables me to do that.

Maybe that’s what the Holy Spirit will lead you to do. Maybe He’ll lead you to completely give up romance novels like He led my mom to. It doesn’t matter which (or if He tells you something completely different.) The important thing is that you are listening to and obeying the voice of God.

Studs, Hot Guys, and Sex Objects

One of the primary objections that even the secular world has against pornography is that it objectifies women. And they’re absolutely right. Porn, in its classical sense, turns women into an object whose only function is fulfilling the sexual desires of men.

But porn isn’t the only thing that objectifies women. And women aren’t the only ones who can be objectified. Women can objectify men as well. And that objectification itself is inappropriate and sinful. It is not acting in love towards the other person.

I know women who would loudly object to men carrying on a conversation about how “hot” a certain actress is and how that plunging neckline…

But these same women think nothing of “ooo”ing and “ah”ing over how hot Taylor Lautner is when he takes of his shirt in “New Moon”. (Sorry, I wasn’t intending to pick on Twilight here–it’s just that he’s the latest fellow I’ve heard objectified.) And then there’s the more subtle but no less inappropriate objectification–swooning over Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, for example.

I say I know these women–but it’s even worse. I have been one of these women on more than one occasion. And that’s just not right.

When I objectify a man, I sin against God, against that man, and against all my brothers. What’s more, I (often unwittingly) encourage my younger sisters who look to me as an example to look at men in this same sinful way.

I encourage all of us to think carefully how we speak about the opposite sex (even among our closest friends). They are not sex objects–and we shouldn’t act or speak as if they are.

O Lord, set a guard over my tongue that I may honor You and both my brothers and sisters in how I speak about the opposite sex.

Masturbation

I cannot end my discussion of lust without at least mentioning a topic that has heretofore been taboo in the church, especially among women in the church.

Masturbation.

Masturbation is a pervasive problem in today’s culture and within our churches–but it is a problem shrouded in confusion and secrecy.

There are many different opinions on masturbation–but mine is clear. Masturbation is intrinsically a selfish sexual act. It is taking a pleasure intended to be shared between a man and his wife in the context of marital relationship and mutual submission and instead making it all about fulfilling one’s own lusts and desires.

Just like these other lustful things, masturbation is selfish and creates an alternate world–a lie of sexual pleasure devoid of relationship.

Masturbation is ultimately a false lover. It will not fulfill your desires, nor will it promote healthy relationship between you and your spouse (whether current or future.)

What to do about lust

Lust is sin–and it’s a sin that both men and women deal with. Because lust is often a secret, private sin, it can become a huge stronghold in our lives. Many Christian men and women despair that they will ever overcome in the area of sexual sin.

I come with good news. The cross of Christ is sufficient not only to cover over your sexual impurity of thought and deed–it is also sufficient to free you from the power of sin and death.

I think many who are caught in sexual sin can identify with Paul’s words:

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.”
Romans 7:14-19

We’ve felt trapped, ensnared, prisoner to our own lusts.

But the cross offers hope.

“O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! ”
Romans 7:24-25

Jesus Christ our Lord has conquered sin–and through Him, we also are more than conquerors (Romans 8:37).

So let us begin to walk in freedom from sexual sin. Some first steps in walking in freedom?

Repent

“Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord,”
Acts 3:19
Listen to and obey the Holy Spirit

“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
I Corinthians 10:13
Take practical steps to avoid sin
- Meditate on Scripture
  
  “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”
  Philippians 4:8
- Flee from temptation
  
  “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
  II Timothy 2:22
- Seek accountability
  
  “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
  James 5:16

Love Month

Purity of Heart (Guest Post)

February 19, 2010 1 Comment by bekahcubed

And now for my favorite part of Love Month–where the guys go off to talk about lust–and the girls go off to talk about how to keep guys from lusting (modesty). But wait–I already talked about modesty (and why the goal SHOULDN’T be keeping guys from lusting)–

Instead, I’ve asked my mom to write up a little something about purity. My mother is a godly woman, full of wisdom (and with the gray hair to prove it!) I think you’ll learn much from her perspective on purity, sexual and otherwise.

We often think of purity only in a sexual sense. This is an incomplete look at purity. Purity, like any other sin, is a matter of the heart. When Jesus spoke about the commands of the Old Testament, He made each one a matter of the heart even though the Jews had made them a matter of rules (i.e. Jesus called hating your brother murder.) Purity is no different. We’d like to reduce purity down to a bunch of rules – you can go this far, and still be okay. Col. 2:23 tells us that rules, even though they appear wise, have no value against fleshly indulgence.

“These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.”

Why is that? It is because, as James 1:14 tells us, sin is conceived of our own lust. It originates in a desire within our own flesh.

“But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.”

Rules only deal with the outside things. But a person can “obey all the rules”, and still not be pure because of the condition of the heart. Rebekah defined purity for us a few days ago.

Purity: the quality or state of being pure

Pure: unmixed with any other matter; free from dust, dirt, or taint; spotless, stainless; free from harshness or roughness and being in tune; free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from moral fault or guilt; marked by chastity;

Notice the phrase “containing NOTHING that does not properly belong.” Lusts and comparisons don’t belong in a pure relationship.

“But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.”
I Timothy 1:5 NASB

We know that, in general, apart from Christ, we are not pure yet He makes us pure by faith in Him. But let’s get practical and look at the part we all think of when we talk about purity – sex.

What about sexual purity?

Let me ask this: Is sex completely a physical thing, with no link to our emotions or our spirit? If your answer is yes, you’re an animal, which has no moral code, so this whole discussion is irrelevant. If your answer is “no, it’s not just physical,” then it makes sense that sexual purity would also not be just physical.

Anything that brings an element of wrongness to a monogamous marital relationship is a part of sexual impurity. If my only thought is my own pleasure, I bring selfishness into it, and I am not pure. You may say that’s a little extreme. But is it? Purity is not just an idea for singles (usually when we say purity we really mean abstinence). Purity is a cleanness of heart and motive in a relationship acted out in what we do and say.

We know the obvious things that bring impurity into a marriage bed – a literal other man or woman from an affair or premarital sex that we are comparing our marriage experience to. We hear a lot about pornography in relation to men’s sexual sins. But I think that women also have their form of pornography–but because it’s not pictures exploiting someone else, we don’t recognize it as such.

I’m speaking of romance novels. Some have explicit scenes that can give a physical image that brings an element of comparison, but I think the emotional pull of a storybook man is far more detrimental to a relationship with a husband. “My man doesn’t make me FEEL like that!”

Women have a God-given desire to be emotionally joined to a man, not just physically joined. We dream of having him understand us, and be tender toward us. We want him to be sensitive, yet masculine, etc. All these things can be rolled into one storybook man, where it’s easy for us to see it (usually because the book is written by a woman, so her men think and speak like women) and the woman doesn’t have to draw him out or even quit acting like a selfish jerk herself. I’m not saying men like that don’t exist. It just takes a lot more effort and self-sacrifice on our part to see it in a real man that also has faults.

In real life, we have to invest in a relationship in order to see the things we want come out of it. So this fiction may give a sense of dissatisfaction in our man, or may awaken feelings that shouldn’t be stirred yet. (Song of Solomon tells us not to arouse or awaken love until the appropriate time.) How can a woman be content in singleness if she constantly stirs this up? So even though the reader isn’t physically committing adultery or fornication, she is doing so emotionally, and she brings this baggage into her marital relationship. That’s impurity.

I think the pressures toward impure thoughts and actions from external things are greater than they were when I grew up. More things are openly explicit, and accepted by society as a whole. Opportunity for impurity may be greater. This means it requires more boldness to stand against impurity; but, because sin originates in the desires of our flesh, I would say the struggle is the same.

The victory is also the same. You have a conscience that is alive to God. Listen to His voice. He will show you what makes you sexually impure, if you will allow Him to. Respond to His voice with repentance and trust and He will lead you down a path of purity.

“For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said, ‘In repentance and rest you shall be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.'”
Isaiah 30:15 NASB

Love Month

Fulfilling our roles

February 18, 2010 1 Comment by bekahcubed

It’s all well and right to encourage men to be masculine and women to be feminine. But what exactly does that mean?

Does masculinity mean that men should all hunt and own big trucks and not wear deodorant (a la Matthew McConaughey)? Does femininity mean that women should all bake cupcakes and quilt and wear skirts? Sure, these are things that we might associate with masculinity or femininity. But these do not define our masculinity or femininity.

So what does define masculinity or femininity? What should define masculinity and femininity?

Feminine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to women”. Masculine is defined as “characteristic of or appropriate for or unique to men”. So what we are looking for when we refer to masculinity or femininity is characteristics that are appropriate for and/or unique to either men or women.

Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant appropriate for men? We probably all have our own opinions about those. Are hunting, owning big trucks, and not wearing deodorant unique to men? Definitely not. Are baking cupcakes, quilting, and wearing skirts appropriate for women? I doubt many would disagree. But are those activities unique to women? No. Not at all.

So then, how are we to understand the ideas of masculinity and femininity?

We must look to the One who made us, who made men and women unique from one another. We must look to the One whose nature determines what is appropriate or inappropriate.

And, as I mentioned yesterday, He has created men and women to fulfill different roles. He has created men to fulfill the roles “leader” and “servant”, and women to fulfill the roles “helper” and “lover” (or “nurturer”). So, then, we can judge individual actions by how they help us to fulfill the roles that God has set as appropriate and unique to man or to woman.

Inasmuch as shooting a gun or owning a big truck enables a man to lead and serve, it is masculine. Inasmuch as baking cupcakes or quilting enables a woman to help and nurture, it is feminine. But a man can shoot a gun and own a big truck and still not be masculine. A woman can wear skirts and cook all day long and still not be feminine. True masculinity is found in fulfilling the role God has given men. True feminity is found in fulfilling the role God has given women.

This demands that we broaden and deepen our understanding of femininity and masculinity. Because ultimately, femininity and masculinity are not about externals–what we wear or do–but about internals–why and how we do what we do.

Masculinity in practice

Masculinity is defined by the roles God has given men, namely leader and servant.

In the role of leader, masculinity means taking initiative. It means determining where you’re going and taking initiative to move in that direction. Masculine men seek God and desire to glorify Him–and they take steps to lead those around them in the same direction. This means they’ll direct conversation towards God-honoring topics, they’ll take initiative in romantic relationships (I’ll talk more about this next week), and they’ll serve others.

Because, after all, Jesus includes the “servant” role within the “leader” role:

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Matthew 20:25-28

Serving means looking for what’s best for the other person. These are those things Joshua spoke about in his Code of a Gentleman.

I think we all know what I mean when I talk about a gentlemanly action or offer. This would be like getting the door or helping someone carry their things.

I think one of the biggest no-nos we can do as men is flatter. There is a fine line between a compliment and flattery and I don’t think I’ve discovered it yet. The hardest thing is to find that balance. Complementing is something we’re encouraged to do (Hebrews 10:24-25), but flattery is a swindler.

You as a gentleman are responsible for the lady’s safety, so always be alert. Again, like I said before, many can “act” like a gentleman, but being a gentleman is a continual practice. Be intentional about it, pay attention to every detail.

Masculine men choose to lead and serve the women around them by 1) pointing them to Christ, 2) protecting them, and 3) providing for their needs. This can take the form of physical gestures–Joshua mentioned opening the door for a woman, helping her carry her groceries in, watching out for dangerous situations. I can’t say how blessed I have been by the masculine men in my life who walk me home when it’s late so that I don’t have to be walking through the dark. Sometimes this service can be immensely practical–shoveling snow or pulling a lady out of a ditch. Sometimes it means talking with her mechanic to make sure she isn’t being cheated, or giving the guy who definitely ISN’T leading and serving her a talking to.

Masculinity, then, is not a set of rules, nor is it a collection of hobbies. It’s a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles you as men have been given by God.

Femininity in Practice

Just as masculinity is defined by roles, femininity is defined by the specific roles God has given women: helper and nurturer.

Don’t you just love that term helper? It places women in an interesting situation. It means that our job isn’t necessarily to set the agenda–but to assist in accomplishing it. Much of a woman’s role–and therefore her femininity is framed by her response to man’s leadership.

A feminine woman responds to man’s leadership, enabling him to fulfill the leadership role he’s been given. This means responding to his gentlemanly offers of assistance by accepting them–even if she can get the door by herself. This means taking it seriously when a brother warns you against jogging alone on a secluded bike path.

Joshua put it well when he said:

“Encourage each act that is offered by accepting as many as you can. This is where your sacrifice comes in, because I know it goes against the culture of feminine independence and appears to be an admission of need, but it is needed if you want to encourage a consistently gentlemanlike man.”

A feminine woman responds to the leadership of man by following. When he arranges something, the feminine woman participates and asks how she can help. Note that I said “help”. Too often, we females hear a guy’s idea and then take over. But a feminine woman doesn’t jump in and take over–a feminine woman offers assistance but lets the guy continue to lead (even if she thinks she could do it better!)

The nurturing role of woman is never more clearly seen than during pregnancy–when she is quite literally her child’s sustenance. But women were created to be life-givers–not just in a physical sense, but in many ways. The “feminine arts” (cooking, sewing, home crafts) are called “feminine” because they can be used to fulfill the role of woman as “nurturer”–providing food, warmth, clothing, sustenance, a sense of belonging, a sense of beauty. But these are only the tools of a feminine woman; they are not feminine in and of themselves.

Sometimes a woman can get so caught up in the craft or the project or the joy of creating that she fails to use these things to fulfill her role. In that case, these hobbies are just hobbies–not feminine at all.

On the other hand, when a woman uses these or other things to fulfill the unique roles she has been given by God, she is a truly feminine woman.

So what might nurturing look like? It means bringing comfort. It means investing in relationships. It means seeing and meeting physical needs and beyond. It means speaking words of encouragement rather than words that tear people down.

I think this (words) is one of the biggest forgotten arts of femininity. I Peter 3:4 encourages women to adorn themselves with a “gentle and quiet spirit”. This pleases God–and brings nourishment to those around us. But too often, we are strident and self-seeking. Even our “fun” has barbs. We find fault with everyone–and especially with men.

I think Joshua’s comment on how women can encourage men to be gentlemanlike is pretty insightful:

“First, don’t comment on or berate a man for not being a gentleman. If he’s really one of this fraternity of gentleman, he already knows when he doesn’t act like one and is probably beating himself up over it. It is my experience that this form of encouragement is not helpful nor constructive. For those caught in that situation, I would just give him another chance or ask him to do the gentlemanly act for you.”

When we “comment [on] or berate” a man for not fulfilling his roles, we are not fulfilling our roles as women. We are not helping him to lead and serve us. We are not nurturing his heart or soul. We’re tearing him down.

So maybe instead, we women should make it a point to a) respond to man’s leadership and service by following his guidance or accepting his service and b) encourage man’s leadership and service by pointing out his actions and complimenting him when he fulfills his roles.

Femininity is not Emily Post etiquette (just like Joshua said gentlemanliness is not about etiquette.) It’s not a set of household chores or home-making hobbies. Femininity is a choice to deliberately seek out ways to fulfill the roles we as women have been given by God.

Encouraging the opposite sex to fulfill their roles

A friend and I were having a discussion about–well, it started out with headcoverings and moved on to the roles of women in the church. And somehow, we got to talking about women teaching and having authority over men–and what that looks like. I’ve often heard the argument made that if men aren’t taking leadership, then the women have no choice but to lead. And I’ve rarely had a response for that except that the Bible teaches otherwise (which is sufficient, of course, but not exactly mentally satisfying). But as my friend and I were talking, it suddenly became clear to me why that argument is a fool’s argument.

Women can’t encourage men to fulfill their male roles by forsaking their own female roles. The woman who claims that she has to be a pastor because the men just won’t take leadership (fulfill their role) is proposing that the solution to men not fulfilling their roles should be women not fulfilling theirs. What a crock!

Instead, the way we can encourage others to fulfill their respective roles is to fulfill our own roles.

Men, this means continuing to lead and serve–even when others aren’t following and your every attempt to open the door for a girl meets with a rebuff. Women, this means continuing to help and to nurture–even when the task you’re helping with seems small and the opportunities for encouraging far between.

So study out what it means to be a man. Take a look at what it means to be a woman. Dig deep into the Scriptures about roles of men and women. Apprentice yourself to a masculine man or a feminine woman. Take a look at some Biblically-based resources. For general study, I recommend Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (Click on the title for a pdf file of the hefty and comprehensive volume–or borrow a paper copy from my dad!) For married or engaged men and women, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks’s Rocking the Roles is a great resource. Both married and single ladies can benefit greatly from Barbara Moser’s Five Aspects of Woman (The link leads to the publisher’s website, where, among other things, you can listen to free audio lectures from the Bible study.) And men may enjoy John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart (I wish I had a more theological/Bible study-ish book to direct men to, but, alas, my reading experience when it comes to Biblical masculinity is rather slim. So, men, help us out if you know of some better resources.)

Make it a goal to fulfill your role as a masculine man or a feminine woman.

Love Month

Ladies and Gentlemen…

February 17, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

We live in an androgynous society, where feminism’s cry “anything you can do, I can do too” echoes and resounds.

It echoes in the workplace, where women crunch numbers, run businesses, and fight wars alongside the men. It echoes in the public place, where a woman coldly refuses the proffered hand with her luggage–insisting that she can handle it herself. It echoes in the home, where men and women wrestle for 50-50 but somehow always feel that they’ve come out on bottom.

Some of feminism’s advances have been good. Thanks at least in part to feminism, I can attend a four-year university, pursue a master’s degree, and expect to earn a decent wage to support myself (or at least I would have if I’d chosen something other than community nutrition to specialize in!) Thanks to early feminists, I can have a say in how my country is run, something that as a single woman, I would not have been able to do in an earlier day.

But along with feminism’s great triumphs have come its greatest tragedies. We have achieved (for the most part) equality, but we have lost our identities. For in saying that women were not just equal but the same as men, we have lost those things that make us female–we have lost our femininity. And in saying that women were not just equal but superior to men, we have lost those things that make men male–we have lost their masculinity.

In a genderless society, the only distinction between men and women is their sexual organs (and sometimes not even that with the advent of sex changes). Women don’t need men–they just need a penis and sperm. Men don’t need women–they just need a uterus and breasts. We all become sex objects.

We lose the beautiful differences that God created between men and women. We lose the roles He created us to fulfill. And we cheapen and degrade the one difference we allow to remain.

This need not be. This should not be.

Because the truth is that while man and woman were created equal in God’s sight–

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
Galatians 3:28

man and woman were created different.

From the beginning (pre-fall), we were created male and female–and God said that it was good.

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”
Genesis 1:27

“Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.”
Genesis 1:31a

Both male and female, created in the image of God, but created to be different, distinct.

Man was created and given a task.

“Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.”
Genesis 2:15

Man was to tend and to keep creation. We read on to see that God further gave him the task of naming the creatures.

Woman, too, was created for a specific task.

“And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'”
Genesis 2:18

Woman was created to be a helper to man, comparable but not the same.

The fall changed a lot of things, but it didn’t change God’s intended roles. The curse over both man and woman’s domain reinforces their tasks–the man’s to work the ground (and to provide), the woman’s to help (and to tend the home).

I recently read the book Rocking the Roles by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks–and I thought it was a fantastic discussion of the roles of men and women. I highly recommend it. One of the things that stuck out to me the most from my reading was the way Lewis and Hendricks described the different roles of men and women as revealed in Scripture (and particularly in marriage). They said that the man’s role was to be a servant and a leader; while a woman’s role was to be a helper and a lover.

Now, this book was written to speak specifically to the roles of men and women in marriage. Obviously, the role of women in general is not to be a lover of just anyone. But if we replace the word “lover” with the word “nurturer”, I think we can see how these roles play out in other (non-marital) relationships.

Men are called to lead within the church and within the home. Men are called to serve, not just their wives but others as well. Women are called to help within the church and within the home (responding to and encouraging the leadership of man). Women are called to nurture, to bring physical, emotional, and relational life to those around them.

These roles of men and women do not change depending on whether a man or woman is married or single. Because you are a single man (who must cook his own meals and wash his own clothing) does not mean that you are not called to lead and to serve. Because you are a single woman (who must change her own oil and “bring home the bacon”) does not mean that you are not called to help and nurture.

Let’s reject feminism’s falsehood that would say that men and women are the same and embrace the differences between ladies and gentlemen. Ladies, let’s embrace our femininity. Gentlemen, embrace your masculinity.

My brother wrote a FANTASTIC post called The Code of a Gentleman which speaks to both men and women regarding encouraging masculinity. You really ought to check it out–especially because I plan on responding to his post tomorrow (which means you’ll be somewhat left out if you haven’t read his original!)

Love Month

Temple ornaments

February 16, 2010 Leave a comment by bekahcubed

I don’t like most modesty talk for a simple reason: I think it puts the emphasis in exactly the wrong place. It tells women that they should dress for men. Now, admittedly, I’m not too fond of this world’s way of dressing its daughters like whores, either. That too, tells women to dress for men (for their most base side).

I, on the other hand, would like to propose a new focus. Instead of dressing for men, why don’t we start dressing for God?

Here’s how I see it. Scripture says that we–you and I–are the temple of the Holy Spirit.

“Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.”
I Corinthians 3:16-17

Specifically, our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit.

“Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”
I Corinthians 6:19-20

What is the purpose of a temple?

A temple is a dwelling place for a god. A temple is a monument to a god’s greatness. A temple is a place to worship a god.

And if our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, then our bodies are His dwelling place, our bodies are a monument to His greatness, our bodies are a place to worship Him.

Haggai tells of God’s purpose and desire for His temple:

“Go up to the mountains and bring wood and build the temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified,” says the LORD.”
Haggai 1:8

In the book of Haggai, God desired to take pleasure in His temple and to be glorified in it. I believe His desire is still the same today. And if your body is His temple, then His desire is to take pleasure in your body and to be glorified in your body.

This brings the whole concept of modesty into perspective. Our goal in dressing should be to bring God pleasure and to glorify Him. Nothing greater and nothing less.

So what brings God pleasure and what glorifies Him?

If we take a look at the tabernacle of Moses, built according to the specific instructions of God given on Mount Sinai, we can get a glimpse at the kind of adornment God enjoys. God was pretty picky about how the tabernacle was to be designed:

“And let them make Me a sanctuary, that I may dwell among them. According to all that I show you, that is, the pattern of the tabernacle and the pattern of all its furnishings, just so you shall make it.”
Exodus 25:8-9

The tabernacle was made with only the best materials: gold, silver, and bronze; blue, purple, and scarlet cloth. It was decorated with finely worked metalcraft–with flowers and cherubim. The cloth was artistically woven, specially dyed, and elaborately embroidered. The tabernacle was seriously ornamented.

I am convinced that beauty brings God pleasure. Why else would God have so carefully specified that the linen was to be finely woven, the area artistically embroidered?

Despite the bag-wearing tendencies of my early teen years, I do not believe that God intends or desires that we be frumps.

The Proverbs 31 woman, universally held up as an example for Christian women, was far from frumpy. Instead, she was dressed in the best–fine linen and purple.

“She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple. ”
Proverbs 31:21-22

God takes pleasure in beauty. I believe that He is glorified in beauty. It’s okay–it’s GOOD–that you be beautiful and dress beautifully.

A temple is a dwelling place for a god. A temple is a monument to a god’s greatness. A temple is a place to worship a god. But what happens if the temple is so packed full of stuff that the god can’t dwell there? What happens if the temple begins to proclaim its own greatness instead of the greatness of its god? What happens if the temple cries out for worship instead of offering worship to its god?

That is not good.

If our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, then our bodies are His dwelling place, our bodies are a monument to His greatness, our bodies are a place to worship Him. But what if we took our focus off of the God whose temple we are and placed it on ourselves? What if others looking at our bodies were encouraged to worship US rather than Him?

That would not be good. That would not glorify God or give Him pleasure.

And I believe that is exactly why God commands modest apparel for women.

“In like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.”
I Timothy 2:9-10

According to Merriam-Webster, modest means placing a moderate estimate on one’s abilities or worth; observing the proprieties of dress and behavior, unpretentious. Basically put, modest dress means dress that doesn’t glorify itself.

Our goal in our dressing should be GOD’S glory, not our own. Which means that our clothing should not distract from revealing God’s glory–especially God’s glory as revealed in our character.

I Timothy speaks of women adorning themselves with good works. I Peter speaks of adorning ourselves with a gentle and quiet spirit and with submission.

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”
I Peter 3:3-6

This gentle and quiet spirit is precious, valuable to God–it’s something He takes pleasure in. I Peter 5:5 encourages all younger people (male and female alike) to “be clothed” with humility.

“Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for
“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.””
I Peter 5:5

And that Proverbs 31 woman? Fine linen and purple wasn’t all she wore. She was also adorned with strength and honor.

“Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come. ”
Proverbs 31:25

So my questions to you, ladies, is: Who are you dressing for? Why do you wear what you do? Does your clothing glorify God by being beautiful? Does your clothing glorify God by allowing Him to be seen?

Or does your clothing obscure Him by glorifying you? Does your clothing fail to reflect Him by being frumpy, poorly cared for, and unattractive? Does your focus on clothing and fashion keep you from cultivating the apparel that God says He takes great delight in–good works, gentleness, quietness, humility, submission?

My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit–and I want to ornament it in such a way that He takes pleasure in me and is glorified. I pray that will become your goal too.