Categories Everyday Life

The Nights are Long

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November is never a particularly good time for me. The sun comes up late and goes down early. The sun sits low, only weakly shining forth, even when not obscured by autumn clouds.

Therapy lights help me cope. The bedside lamp that kicks on for an artificial dawn. The lamp I sit in front of while I do my morning devotions… and while I eat breakfast… and while I eat lunch… and while I take my afternoon tea.

I try to cope. I relax my expectations, remind myself that this is November. I alternate periods of activity with periods of rest. I try to stay in the Word, keep truth bombarding me in song throughout the day.

But there are still days when the sun goes down and I cry for an hour over everything and nothing in particular.

There’s too much to do. My son threw away the other beater so I can’t make the cookies I measured ingredients for earlier. I cleaned but the house is still messy. I’m afraid the baby turned transverse. I split wood on the helping tower I’m making for Louis and don’t know how to fix it. I need to go shopping to get a new beater, but if I’m going to actually go inside a store with the kids I should get everything I need, but the thought of making a grocery list is daunting without adding the pressure of getting everything I need.

Finally, I ignore the mess going on in my head, distracting myself by cutting out some Nativity finger puppets (ostensibly to figure out what extra felt I need.)

I fall asleep, but when my false dawn begins and it’s really still night, the old worries rise again and I wonder if I’ll get through this day, this week, this month, this season.

The nights are so very long.

Categories Everyday Life

Packing for the hospital (and other preparatory activities)

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Tirzah Mae takes after her mama in quite a few areas – and one of them appears to be the propensity to read up on life changes before they occur. She’s been working hard the past month or so, preparing for the new baby by reading books about new babies. (The real story? Louis got into the shelf of “new baby” books that happens to be near the storytime area at the library one Thursday and we ended up with half a dozen “new baby” books to peruse.)

Tirzah Mae’s favorite of the new baby books is, without a doubt, Lizzy Rockwell’s Hello Baby!. I’ve read it to her by request at least a half a dozen times – but, beyond that, it’s a rare day that doesn’t find Tirzah Mae silently reviewing its pages.

Hello Baby is different from many of the “new baby” books in that it focuses less on the big sibling’s emotions regarding the new baby and more on what to expect when mom’s pregnant.

Doctor’s appointments (ma-ppointments, Tirzah Mae calls them), complete with a Doppler (Tirzah Mae calls it a “gobbler”) to check baby’s heartbeat. Mama going through old baby clothes to set out some things for the new baby. Packing a bag for the hospital. Grandma coming over when it’s time for mama to go have the baby. It’s all very well done.

Tirzah Mae has been paying careful attention to what she’s been learning. She checks my blood pressure and invites me onto her examination table just about daily so she can listen to the baby with her gobbler. She reminds me that we already went through our boxes of baby clothes to have some ready for the baby when he comes. And yesterday she decided it was time to pack my bag for the hospital.

So long as what I need in the hospital is dishrags, I’m all set to go.

Categories Pregnancy

36 week selfie

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36 week selfie
Me this morning, at 36 weeks. (Also, a really dirty mirror. This picture actually convinced me to clean the mirror today.)

New to me as I experience 36 weeks for the first time:

  • I look pregnant. Undeniably pregnant. Not “could-just-be-android-obesity.” Pregnant.
  • My pelvis feels like it has a hinge in the middle front (because it does!) My body is preparing to birth a baby.
  • Movements at 36 weeks and however big this baby is are way different than movements at 32 or 34 weeks and ~3.5 lbs.
  • I can’t for a moment forget that I’m pregnant. Whether it’s kicks or Braxton Hicks or not being able to reach my feet, I am constantly aware that I am pregnant.
  • Did you catch that, folks? I’m pregnant! I’m STILL PREGNANT! Despite the increasing discomfort, the euphoria at that constant reminder has not faded.

That said, please continue to pray for me. Pray that I would fix my eyes upon Christ and praise him whatever may come. As I approach term, still healthy, I find myself becoming more and more excited at the prospect of having a normal birth. But with the excitement comes fear. What if I get my hopes up for a term pregnancy, for spontaneous labor, for a successful VBA2C… only to have them dashed? A friend encouraged me to set my hope in Christ rather than in a specific birth – and while I know that is the absolute best advice anyone could give, it’s easier to assent to it mentally than to put it into practice.

Categories Following Christ, Parenting

Family worship (or, quit complicating things so much)

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We knew even before we had children that we wanted family worship to be a thing in our household.

We also knew that the thought of family worship was overwhelming and intimidating. We knew how hard it could be to be consistent in personal devotions – and how many times we’d stopped and started at attempts to spend devotional time together as a couple. How on earth could we do family worship?

It just so happened that we have children who don’t do a great job at sleeping – and I started reading Tirzah Mae a Bible story from The Children’s Bible in 365 Stories by Mary Batchelor (which my mom gives a story a baby shower gift) every night before putting her to bed.

Then, last Advent, I got out the Advent wreath and we made a point to light the appropriate candles and sing a Christmas hymn after supper each evening.

As we got ready to put away our Christmas decorations, it struck us that we’d been complicating the idea of family worship overmuch – and that we were missing out on a great opportunity to train our children as a result.

We combined the Bible story I’d been reading with the hymn we’d made a habit of singing, added a time of family prayer at the end – and now we have family worship almost every evening.

It turned out to be that simple. We get the kids in their jammies after supper and then choose a hymn to sing. We read from a story Bible (we’re actually reading through The Ology by Marty Machowski right now, having gone through the Old and New Testaments in story form twice now – we plan to alternate going through the storyline of Scripture and doing something more theological/doctrinal like this.) Finally, we pray together – Tirzah Mae and then mama and then papa (Louis isn’t quite talking yet.) Then it’s kisses and toothbrushing and off to bed.

Simple and totally doable, now that we quit complicating things so much.

Categories Books, Everyday Life

Fine-free, how can it be?

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The children and I have been taking a weekly trip to the library for at least a year now – although probably for longer than that. The library is my happy place, after all.

For quite a while now, our library day has been Thursday – which means that I log into the library system every Thursday morning and gather books to be returned and electronically renew books I don’t want to return.

But, every so often, we end up visiting the library on some day other than a Thursday – and then everything gets thrown off. When I log into the system on Thursday, I have to decide whether I’m going to renew books EARLY, before they’re due, and thus lose days off the total of 12 weeks we’re allowed to check books out (three four-week checkouts) or if I’ll come back to renew them when they’re due.

Well, last week, I decided to come back the next day. Except I forgot. So the twenty-five books that were due on Friday went overdue. I have a three day grace period during which to return or renew them without accruing fines (thanks to being a member of our local chapter of friends of the library). But I didn’t renew on Saturday (day 1 of grace) or Sunday (day 2 of grace) or Monday (day 3 of grace). I didn’t log on to renew those books until this morning, when I got a text notification that I had overdue books.

Now, if I don’t renew or return within the grace period, I’m supposed to pay for the whole overdue period (as if no grace period existed.) Which means my account should be charged $0.25 per book per day – or $25 for 100 book-days. But I checked right after renewing, and no fine was levied. I’ve been checking back all day long, but my account still reads $0.00

I don’t know what to think of it. I’m rather expecting to see the charge show up by morning. Surely the library can’t be just absorbing the $25 I ought to owe.

Categories Pregnancy

Christmas is coming!

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Given my pregnancy history, I rather expected to be welcoming a new little one into the outside world in October or early November – and of spending the next month or so in the NICU, as we did with our other two.

All attention was focused on getting our house ready to certify for foster care before the baby came (we’re getting close to being ready, but we’re also getting close enough to baby coming that I don’t want to schedule to have the state come and visit us.) But, because of this, I’ve barely given thought to things like… Christmas.

But now we’re getting closer and closer to term and are still completely healthy (I had warning signs at least a month in advance of the other children’s deliveries), which means I’m coming to realize that I may well indeed be having a baby during advent. Which means that if I want to put on any sort of Christmas for my family, I’d better kick myself into gear *before* the baby comes.

So I’m busy planning and baking and buying and sewing, because Christmas is coming and so is this baby!

Last week, I bought all my baking supplies and made fruitcake. I worked up a pattern and a muslin of Tirzah Mae’s Christmas nightie. I found my pattern for size 12 month jammies for Louis. I purchased the kids’ Saint Nicholas Day stocking stuffers. I started putting in requests (on delay) for Christmas picture books from the library. I finished Louis’s stocking so the new baby can lay claim to the “baby” one. And I’ve prioritized the rest of my preparations so I can *try* to make sure the most important things are done before the baby comes.

Because with the way this pregnancy is going so far? It doesn’t look like I’m going to have time to prepare Christmas after baby comes. Because, dear reader, it looks like I might actually go to term!

Categories Pregnancy

A Most Extraordinarily Ordinary Day

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I woke up this morning at 0545, when my bedside light turned on. I kissed my husband before he left for work and lazed just a while in bed, rejoicing in how autumn has encouraged my children to sleep just a little later in the mornings. But finally, I needed to start the day, so I sat up and took my blood pressure. It was 104/65.

When I was at this point in my pregnancy with Louis (34 weeks, 3 days), a nurse woke me up to take my blood pressure before she went off shift. It was greater than 160/110, just as it had been on the overnight check.

After breakfast and morning chores, I got the kids packed up and we headed out to library storytime, where we sang songs and listened to stories and played a little game. Afterward, we played in the children’s area while I chatted with a few other moms about breastfeeding while pregnant and whether tandem breastfeeding might increase the baby’s risk of allergies (conclusion? probably not).

At that time during my pregnancy with Louis? Our maternal-fetal specialist came into my room to tell me that we needed to have our baby sooner rather than later.

After a quick lunch on the go, the kids and I headed to ALDI to do our grocery shopping. The lady behind me in line commented on how brave I was to have three so close together. We packed up our groceries and headed home. We got stuck behind a train and I scrolled through Facebook while we waited.

At that time during my pregnancy with Louis? We did a external version, attempting to rotate Louis to head down so I could begin an induction for a hoped-for vaginal birth after cesarean. We got him head down, but his feet were down too – and as soon as our maternal-fetal specialist’s hands were off my abdomen, Louis popped back into the transverse position he’d been favoring for most of our pregnancy. We began preparations for a repeat c-section.

This afternoon, the kids and I finished our lunch at the dining room table before settling in for a “rest time”. I read a chapter of a novel, a chapter of a birthing book. I scrolled through Facebook some more. After Daniel got home from work, I sat on the couch with him and my children. We talked about our days, about what we’ve read. The baby kicked his sister and brother, who were crawling all over me.

At that time during my pregnancy with Louis? Extra nurses were called in to hook up extra IVs – most of my veins were already blown from my past four days in the hospital. Other technicians came by to hook up heart monitors. A catheter was inserted. My robe was cut up my back to allow the anesthesiologist access to my spine. I curled in a fetal position for a spinal. My abdomen was cut. The terse words “meconium staining” were spoken. My son was born silent. The awful sound of suctioning and, at last, a cry.

I rose from the couch to change Louis’s diaper. Washed my hands. Started cooking supper. Rejoicing all the way that I was officially more pregnant than I had ever been before.

Today was a most extraordinarily ordinary day.

Thank you, Lord.

Categories Everyday Life

Happy Birthday Crafting

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Tirzah Mae has been on a major doll kick these past couple of months (which I almost took as a harbinger of baby’s coming – the last time she went on a kick like this was a week before Louis was born!) She’s been naming the dollies, getting out every rag in the house to use as dolly’s diapers, feeding dollies with the loose breastmilk storage bottles that seem to have only multiplied in captivity.

So it made sense to me that Tirzah Mae’s birthday gift from us should have something to do with dollies. My original thought was to buy her a nice medium-sized dolly that would be easy to dress (we currently own a ginormous doll – as big as either Tirzah Mae and Louis were at three to six months – and a tiny doll, neither of which are particularly dressable for little hands.) So I’d buy her a nice doll and make her a bunch of outfits to go along with it. It’s the sort of gift my mom gave us as kids. But the uncertainty of the new baby coming made me wary of trying a big sewing project.

Mama putting on Tirzah Mae's new "pouch"

I handed the doll and outfits idea off to grandma and decided I’d do some accessories instead – accessories that I wouldn’t have to size perfectly.

A “pouch” fit the bill exactly. And so I whipped up a quick mei tei using this simple tutorial.

And when that seemed a bit skimpy as a gift (but the energy of making something complex seemed even more insurmountable), I threw together some strips of fabric into a foundation-pieced string quilt and made it into a self-binding dolly blanket (using this tutorial for instructions and this one when I got stumped at the corners.)

Tirzah Mae and her dolly with the new pouch

It isn’t the grand gift I’d imagined, but I think dolly’s new “pouch” and blankie will do just fine.

Categories What's on Your Nightstand?

Nightstand (October 2017)

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3 years (and 3 days) ago, I wrote my Nightstand post from a hospital bed while trying to stay pregnant as long as possible.

Today, I write celebrating Tirzah Mae’s third birthday – and our longest healthy pregnancy yet.

My reading life has undergone some pretty significant changes in the past three years – but I’m still reading (even if it’s mostly picture books that aren’t listed here!)

Books for Growing:

  • Learning to Talk by James Christopher Law
    Part of the “Johnson’s Everyday Babycare” series by Dorling Kindersley, this short glossy book describes normal speech development in infants and children and how parents can facilitate healthy language development. Nothing groundbreaking, but I think it’s still a helpful resource for parents who are wondering “is my child normal?” and “am I doing what I should do?”
  • Free to Learn by Lynne Oldfield
    An introduction to the Steiner Waldorf model of early childhood education – a model that focuses on free play (without trying to force “education”), encounters with nature,
    and regular rhythms of life. I found Steiner’s discussion of rhythms to be particularly helpful in organizing my family’s daily routines. This book by Oldfield is a nice introduction to the method.

Books for Knowing:

  • North America’s Favorite Butterflies: A Pictorial Guide by Patti and Milt Putnam
    We picked this up while I was browsing the adult nonfiction stacks because it fits Tirzah Mae’s exacting criterion for titles meant for grown-ups: it is small and it has an orange cover. But unlike the many such books we have brought home from the library, this one managed to sustain both Tirzah Mae AND her mother’s attention throughout the entire 3 month checkout period. We’ve spent many an afternoon poring over the full-color photographs of butterflies and reading the accompanying text describing a bit of the behavior or habitat or habits of that butterfly.

Books for Enjoying:

  • Big Appetites by Christopher Boffoli
    Another book that fit Tirzah Mae’s criteria for checking out, this particular title is a series of photos of tiny toy people set amongst larger-than-life food. Each photo is accompanied by a title and a wry subtitle. So a picture of tiny men pushing around cherries and pitting them is titled “Cherry Pitters”, with the subtitle “The team was driven by their desire to negate years of PR damage from cherry-flavored medicines.” Moderately amusing.

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

What's on Your Nightstand?

Categories Everyday Life

Sometimes you have to adjust

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Sometimes you spend Sunday afternoon and evening preparing your list of goals for the upcoming month of November – and the corresponding list of tasks for the upcoming week.

Sometimes your children wake you up around 11 and keep you up until 4, meaning you sleep in until 8 and are exhausted through the day.

Sometimes said children are also exhausted and battling colds, meaning that every little thing is worth bawling about and the couch gets more pee on it than the potty does in it.

Sometimes you have to close out the day, with its list of unfinished tasks and just be thankful that you made it through the day mostly in one piece.

Sometimes you have to adjust your plans.