Have you ever felt like you were teetering on the brink of something huge? I know that’s a cliched expression, but it describes what I’m feeling well.
I’m standing at the edge of a cliff. I can feel the wind blowing against me–my hair is flying, my skirt pasted to my legs. I reach my foot forward just an inch and I can feel the sand move beneath my touch. When I listen closely, I can hear the sand rattling down the cliffside. If I take one more step, I will jump off the cliff. There will be no return. If I stand still, erosion will take me down the side within hours. I can’t move backwards, there’s nowhere else to go. I must move forward or remain still–either way, my future is uncertain. I am blindfolded. I can sense the change that is taking place, but I can’t see. I don’t know what lies at the bottom of the great avalanche I will soon find myself within. Then a bird twitters and I know for certain–whatever else may lie at the bottom, life is there–and I am at rest.
My church’s pastor resigned publicly this Sunday. He will remain as Senior Pastor until the end of the year, but that entire time will be one of great transition for our church. So much is unknown–who our next senior pastor will be, what that will mean to the congregation; how various ministries will change, where God will take us in fulfilling His vision. I’m a ministry leader–coordinating the Nursery. I’m a youth sponsor–how will this effect them in the long run? It’s too early to know, but I sense that the impact will be great. So much change, what will it all mean? I only know one thing–that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it.
God’s been convicting me a lot lately about my priorities. We did an exercise in Home Group on Sunday–compared our listed “priorities” to the time we actually spend pursuing those things. Our topic was the cost of discipleship. The cost of discipleship has been slowly taking on a new meaning for me. What is to be my priority? God’s glory. What does that mean? For right now, spending time in the Word, putting priority on my schoolwork, letting some priority shift from church work to Nav fellowship.
My sister will be moving home next year–I’ll be on my own at the hall next year. I’m a bit apprehensive. I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life sharing almost everything with Anna. We were roommates for 17 years–even now, with my own room in the hall, Anna and I visit in my room several times a day. She’s my best friend. We read in the crack of the door together when we were in second and third grades. A year later we thought we would trade homework for the day. The envelope I drew on a piece of paper didn’t quite satisfy the instructions to “address an envelope” to such and such a person. As we grew, the distance between us shrunk and we took Chemistry together in high school. Our majors are similar, despite our differing career goals. We’re even taking Anatomy together this semester. But God is preparing me for whatever He has for me–
and He’s preparing Anna for the next step in her dream of doing humanitarian aid. She’ll graduate next year and leave for Med School. She’s frantic with tests and thoughts of applications. And every change for her means change for me.
These three things are but a sampling of the cliff I’m standing on. Learning to be content with resting is tough for me. Resting in the midst of this turmoil is almost impossible. But I want my cry to be like Paul’s when he said: “But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord…that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.” Whatever the change, He is the bird whistling in my ear: “I will never leave you or forsake you. I have good plans for you. Enter into the adventure I have in store for you.”