To brighten your day, a picture of my little ones in their Christmas jammies.
bekahcubed
Permission to not do everything
The desire to learn everything and to do everything. I suspect it’s quite common among homeschool-graduates-turned-homeschool-mothers. But even if it’s not as common as I think, I know at least for one person who has it.
In her case, it tends to cause a great deal of trouble.
Because it’s just not possible to do everything. There aren’t enough hours in a day, weeks in a year, or years in a lifetime.
So when she tries to do everything, she ends up frustrated and angry. Angry that she can’t do it all. Angry that other people seem to be able to do everything they want to be doing. Frustrated that even her mere two dozen major goals for the year haven’t been accomplished. Frustrated that only the hundred or so things on her to-do list don’t get accomplished each day. Frustrated that her children are taking her away from doing everything. Frustrated that her home is taking her away from doing everything. Frustrated that people e-mail or call on the phone or tag her on Facebook – keeping her from doing everything. And then she gets frustrated and angry because she knows she shouldn’t feel this way.
She knows she can’t actually learn everything. She knows she can’t actually do everything. She knows that caring for her children, caring for people, caring for her home is the important work she ought to be doing. But she struggles at the end of each day, feeling like she should have done more. No matter what the accomplishments of the day are, she should have done more.
She should have blogged, among other things. She is a blogger after all. She loves to write, she wants to write, she wants to grow as a writer. She’s not at all ready to abandon the blog, the title, the task. But the days are busy and the nights too short. The ideas for posts are there, but never time in front of the computer to turn them into a reality. So she posts once a month, maybe even less. Yet every day, she feels this is one of those things she ought to be doing, wants to be doing. She wants to do everything.
She needs permission. Permission to not do everything.
And so, while I have never intentionally done so before, I am taking a hiatus from bekahcubed (the blog). bekahcubed (the woman) needs permission to not do everything. bekahcubed (the woman) needs permission to not write, to not feel guilty.
I need to give her that permission.
bekahcubed (the blog) will be dormant for the remainder of the year. Should bekahcubed (the woman) feel the urge to write, she will do so (as she has opportunity) and will store up her writings to be shared after the new year. Then, perhaps, she will have achieved the elusive balance, or lowered her standards, or blah. blah. blah. At any rate, she’ll evaluate at that point to see what role blogging should be playing in her future.
For now, blogging is one of those things she needs permission not to do. And I’m giving her that permission.
So there.
Set forth Thee: A Prayer
Lord, grant us calm, if calm can set forth Thee;
Or tempest, if a tempest set Thee forth;
Wind from the east or west or south or north,
Or congelation of a silent sea,
With stillness of each tremulous aspen tree.Still let fruit fall, or hang upon the tree;
Still let the east and west, the south and north,
Curb in their winds, or plough a thundering sea;
Still let the earth abide to set Thee forth,
Or vanish like a smoke to set forth Thee~by Christina Rossetti
Calm or tempest.
Wind or stillness.
Fruit falling or remaining.
Stillness or wind.
Remain or disappear.
What makes this antonymous collection not only bearable but desirable?
That God might be glorified.
“I know how to be brought low,
and I know how to abound.
In any and every circumstance,
I have learned the secret
of facing plenty and hunger,
abundance and need.”
~Philippians 4:12 (ESV)
Lord, bring me low, if dejection set forth Thee;
Or cause me to abound, if abundance set Thee forth;
Teach me the secret of contentment
whatever my circumstances may be
Let my home, my heart, my hands be filled with plenty
If plenty lifts You high.
If hunger makes You great,
may I never eat again
Still let this earth, and I, abide to set Thee forth,
Or vanish like a smoke to set forth Thee
Ten Years and Two Days Ago…
Ten years and two days ago, I began my own personal reading project: to read every book in my local branch library.
A lot has changed since then, but I’m still busy reading – and writing down each book I’ve read and closing categories as I go.
TOTALS as of Sept 5, 2016 (10 years or 3653 days)
| Category | Items Complete | Categories Closed | Items/day |
|---|---|---|---|
| Juvenile Picture | 1394 | 442 | 0.38 |
| Juvenile, Board Books | 125 | 45 | 0.03 |
| Juvenile, First Readers | 65 | 3 | 0.02 |
| Juvenile, Chapter | 92 | 7 | 0.03 |
| Juvenile Fiction | 310 | 25 | 0.09 |
| Juvenile Nonfiction | 213 | 1 | 0.05 |
| Teen Fiction | 43 | 4 | 0.01 |
| Teen Nonfiction | 5 | 0 | 0.00 |
| Adult Fiction | 454 | 70 | 0.12 |
| Adult Nonfiction | 839 | 41 | 0.23 |
| Audio CD | 639 | 64 | 0.17 |
| Juvenile DVD | 48 | 0 | 0.01 |
| Adult Fiction DVD | 93 | 0 | 0.03 |
| Adult Nonfiction DVD | 35 | 0 | 0.01 |
| Periodicals | 66 | 0 | 0.02 |
| Total | 4421 items | ||
| 1.21 items per day |
Looking at the “items per day” column, I see that the numbers are rather unimpressive – certainly nothing compared to what the numbers were when I first started. Perhaps I will knock that column off the next accounting. I’ve also determined that there’s information I’m interested in that isn’t captured by the above table (which I’ve been filling out since I first blogged about my challenge): how many items am I completing annually (on average and in the past year) and how quickly am I closing categories?
Last year’s reading (and the annual average completed)
| Category | Categories Completed | Items Completed | Annual Average Items Completed |
|---|---|---|---|
| Juvenile Picture | 9 | 59 | 139 |
| Juvenile, Board Books | 30 | 71 | 12.5 |
| Juvenile, First Readers | 0 | 1 | 6.5 |
| Juvenile, Chapter | 0 | 0 | 9.2 |
| Juvenile Fiction | 0 | 2 | 3.1 |
| Juvenile Nonfiction | 0 | 34 | 21.3 |
| Teen Fiction | 0 | 3 | 4.3 |
| Teen Nonfiction | 0 | 0 | 0.5 |
| Adult Fiction | 0 | 11 | 45.4 |
| Adult Nonfiction | 7 | 83 | 83.9 |
| Audio CD | 64 | 90 | 63.9 |
| Juvenile DVD | 0 | 0 | 4.8 |
| Adult Fiction DVD | 0 | 3 | 9.3 |
| Adult Nonfiction DVD | 0 | 1 | 3.5 |
| Periodicals | 0 | 0 | 6.6 |
| Total | 110 | 358 | 442 |
Notes:
- I didn’t even read one hundred (full-size) books in the past year. I find this shocking and somewhat ego-flattening.
- I need to get serious about closing categories if I’m going to complete this thing (but who am I kidding, it’s an impossible goal.)
- That said, I have quite a few categories that have just one or two more books in them before I can close them – so why don’t I just get them finished?
What I’ve found most fascinating this year has been to break down my reading into how many days (on average) it takes me to get through a library item (over the past year only).
| Category | Time to Read | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Audio CDs | 4 days | With the exception of Christmas music between Thanksgiving and Christmas, all of these are listened to when I’m driving with just myself and the kids. |
| Adult Nonfiction | 4.4 days | I read a lot of nonfiction. |
| Board Books | 5.2 days | It’s rather surprising I don’t go through these more quickly. Then again, I don’t count repeats. |
| Picture Books | 6.2 days | Ditto board books |
| Adult Fiction | 33.3 days | Not quite one a month. And here I’d been saying two a month. |
So concludes my report on the last ten years’ reading :-)
Thankful Thursday: Flexibility
I don’t consider myself to be the most flexible person (either physically or dispositionally). I like things the way I’ve arranged them and don’t tolerate changes well. Which is why I’m so thankful for the grace of God over the past week in a) enabling others to be flexible to make things easier for me and b) enabling me to be flexible when I needed to be.
This week I’m thankful…
…for back to back appointments
Louis had his two month well-child appointment last week and I needed a thyroid check as well. When I called a few weeks back, the receptionist was happy to reschedule us slightly so Louis and I could have back to back appointments (especially handy now that we live a half hour away from the doctor’s office – and now that I have two kids to get ready for trips out!) And for Louis’s four month appointment? We were able to schedule that back to back with Tirzah Mae’s 2 year appointment. Perfect.
…for flu shots
It’s earlier than my reminder to get my annual flu shot (my phone rings in October to remind me to get it), but I heard that Walmart has the vaccine and remembered to ask my doctor if he had it too. He did, so I won’t have to remember to arrange getting one in October because I’ve already got it taken care of.
…for different patterns
Louis’s 2 month shots (combined with my flu shot) completely kicked our butts. The day was disrupted first by the appointment, then by Louis’s need to breastfeed continuously. There was no way I could complete my ordinary routines. But I always feel awful when I spend the day simply sitting around breastfeeding. So, rather than playing catch-up and getting frustrated that I couldn’t catch up, I made myself a little game to help me still accomplish something around the house – and it worked. I gave Louis the attention he needed and managed to not end the day frustrated over how little I’d accomplished. Win-win.
An old photo of Tirzah Mae and I exercising – Tirzah Mae wanted a knee brace just like mama’s
…for substitutions
I can hardly believe it. I ran out of pinto beans with bean burritos on the menu. But I had just enough black beans to finish out the recipe. Then over the weekend, I started tomato soup going only to discover that the can of tomato juice I’d thought was still in the basement? Not there. But I did have some diced tomatoes that my mom had canned for me in tomato juice. They worked perfectly (and I’m double checking my pantry before I start a recipe from now on out – relying on memory when it’s been two and a half months since I was in charge of cooking full-time is bad news. Which reminds me, have I mentioned how thankful I am for the many women who’ve been providing me with meals, either in the freezer or freshly prepared, so I didn’t have to cook for TWO MONTHS after Louis’s birth?!?)
…for my husband’s flexible schedule
Daniel is blessed to be able to set his own hours at work – which means if Louis didn’t let me sleep overnight, Daniel can take Louis and let me sleep in and then go to work after I wake up. Or he can come home early if my day isn’t going well and make up the time later or work from home. I try not to take advantage of his flexibility, but there are times when Daniel’s flexibility is a major sanity saver for me. I am so thankful for him.
…for an unchanging God
Life with littles means plans change in an instant. Baby’s hungry? Drop everything. Blow out diaper? Drop everything. Water emptied all over the living room rug? Drop everything. (And dozens more reasons to drop everything!) But even as my schedule must flex, my priorities must change, my routines must be disrupted, I can rest knowing that God never shifts, never changes, is never disrupted. As he gives me grace, I can fix my heart, my mind, my emotions on his unchanging nature – and allow his unchanging grace to help me be flexible with the other stuff that does change.
Nightstand (August 2016)
This last hospitalization and newest newborn experience hasn’t been as conducive to reading as the prior. Having a toddler in addition to a newborn means “down time” isn’t down time. My “down time” in the hospital was spent coordinating care for Tirzah Mae and updating the many helpers who made some degree of normalcy possible for her. And now that I’m home, I’m still finding it difficult to find time to read. Tirzah Mae splashes in the water from my bath (whether or not she’s in the tub with me), talks to me while I’m going potty, and wants to hold hands with me and “dance” when I’m exercising – all activities I used to take advantage of as reading time. Louis is generally “lower maintenance” than Tirzah Mae was, sleeping contentedly in his bassinet and playing quietly with his hands on a blanket on the floor. But Louis requires two hands for breastfeeding, meaning that if I don’t have a book set up on my lap before we begin breastfeeding it’s hard to get one started.
As a result, my reading has been sporadic and one-sided. You’ll notice almost all the books I’ve finished are “books for growing”. This is because these can generally be read paragraph-by-paragraph, whereas novels or informative (versus instructional) nonfiction need to be consumed in larger chunks.
Books for Growing:
- Breastfeeding with Confidence by Sue Cox
A short (128 pages) introduction to breastfeeding. I didn’t learn a whole lot of new information (since supporting breastfeeding was a good portion of my job as a WIC dietitian), but feel this would be excellent reading for a motivated pregnant mom (who doesn’t have time or energy to read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, which, though helpful, is entirely too long for many women.) - 101 Questions and Answers about Carpal Tunnel Syndrome by Steven J. McCabe
Everything you need to know about Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, arranged in an easily-readable (and searchable) question and answer format. I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome during pregnancy and appreciated learning a little more about it. Also, I hope never to get it again! - Baby and Toddler Sleep Program by John Pearce with Jane Bidder
The first book I’ve read that recommends total extinction. While I haven’t the constitution for total extinction, the multitude of other “environmental” tips helped as I worked to wean Tirzah Mae off needing me in bed with her to fall asleep. We’d gotten in the habit of breastfeeding lying down in her bed during the exhausted phase of my pregnancy – but she got too dependent on it, so we had to work towards a more manageable sleep routine. We were still doing a version of graduated extinction when I went into the hospital – but she’s sleeping great now. I hold to my earlier opinion that “sleep programs” are less than helpful “out of the box” – but that the discerning parent can find helpful tips in every “sleep program”.
Books for Knowing:
- Overdressed by Elizabeth L. Cline
An exposé of the “fast fashion” industry, Elizabeth Cline’s Overdressed discusses how we went from having two seasons of fashion to having trends changing on a monthly, even weekly, basis. Cline details the damage fast-fashion has done to the American clothing industry, to the quality of clothing, as well as to the style of the average American. Whereas individuals used to buy clothing a couple times a year, buying quality intended to last and mending or altering clothing as needed, now people are in the habit of buying clothing continuously and just as continuously discontinuing use or throwing items out as their cheaply produced and cheaply purchased clothing wears out or falls apart. I have a great deal of sympathy for Cline’s complaints regarding poor quality, disposable clothing and the continuous purchasing of clothing. On the other hand, Cline is decidedly anti-free-market and pro-union, not positions I support. Nevertheless I found this book enjoyable and informative. It has bolstered my resolve to purchase clothes used and/or to make my own whenever possible.
While I mostly just finished “Books for growing” this month, I am hopeful that in the upcoming months I can reestablish more balance in my reading. I’m currently at work on books from each of my five categories, so I’m feeling pretty good about the prospect.
Here’s what I’ve got going right now:
- For loving: To Fly Again by Gracia Burnham
- For growing: Breastfeeding Special Care Babies by Sandra Lang
- For knowing: Summer for the Gods by Edward J. Larson
- For seeing: Selected Poems by Christina Rossetti
- For enjoying: Listening Valley by D.E. Stevenson
Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!
Snapshot: Sleeping
I arrived home from some much needed alone time (read: grocery shopping) to find my little ones fast asleep on their papa.
Thankful Thursday: Abundance
“Had God brought us out from Egypt
And not visited them with judgment
Dayenu – We should have been content”
So begins the Dayenu, recited or sung at the annual Passover Seder.
At the end of each stanza, we recite dayenu – a word roughly translated “it would have sufficed” or “it would have been enough.” Martha Zimmerman, in her book Celebrate the Feasts (which first introduced me to the Hagaddah) translates dayenu as “We should have been content.”
This week I celebrate abundance. I could have so much less and it would have sufficed. I could have so much less and been content. Yet God has given an abundance. And I am thankful.
This week I’m thankful…
…for meals brought to my home
IF I only had the meals I’d been able to prepare and stash away in my freezer for when the baby came, dayenu. Yet God has blessed me with a dozen more freezer meals from family and friends, and with hot meals arriving at my doorstep three days a week – even now, seven weeks after Louis was born.
…for rain to water the newly planted grass
If the grass had been planted and I’d had to water it, moving sprinklers every half an hour, dayenu. Yet God blessed us with rain after two days of watering – and I’ve only had to water minimally since.
…for a second chance for my tomato plants
Had I only gotten a couple good crops of tomatoes with only a couple dozen pints canned, dayenu. Yet God sent rain that perked up my plants that had almost completely lost their leaves – and they’re flowering again.
…for multiples of pumping supplies and baby sleepers
Had I only one set of pumping supplies and a couple baby sleepers, dayenu. But God has blessed me with two sets of pumping supplies (through no act of my own), so I can relax after pumping without having to get the supplies cleaned. right. now. And God has blessed me (through the generosity of strangers) with a dozen baby sleepers, so I can wait days between loads of laundry (well, baby laundry, anyway :-P)
Such an abundance. More than I ask or think. But all these gifts are nothing compared to the ultimate abundant gift.
I can’t say it better than the Dayenu already has:
“Had God brought us into Israel
And not sent the Promised Messiah
Dayenu — We should have been contentHad God sent the Promised Messiah
But not grafted us into Israel
Dayenu — We should have been contentHad God grafted us into Israel
But not made us full heirs with Christ
Dayenu — We should have been contentBut praise be to God
He has showered blessings on us,
More than we can count:
God brought us out of Egypt
And visited judgment upon the Egyptians,
Cast down their idols
And slew their first born,
Gave us their riches
And parted the seas for us,
Let us walk the dry sea bed
And drowned our pursuers,
Kept us alive forty years in the wilderness
And fed us with manna,
Gave us the Sabbath rest
And led us to the foot of Mount Sinai
And there taught us Torah
And brought us into Israel
And there built the Temple.
He has sent His Promised Messiah
Who has atoned for all our sins.
He has grafted us into Israel and made us full heirs with Christ.”~ Rebekah Menter’s Dayenu
Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift.
The Difference a Robe Makes
The section was scheduled for 3:30 pm. Preparations began.
But first, I needed to get into a hospital gown.
So far, I had refused a hospital gown every time, opting to wear my own robe (for admission and overnights) or my own honest-to-goodness clothes (for days). Wearing my own clothes made me feel human, made me feel autonomous, made me feel myself.
Now, though, I was preparing for what was, for me, the least human, least autonomous, least ME procedure.
I was preparing for a repeat c-section.
And the nurse was waiting for me to change into a hospital gown.
I briefly considered whether it was worth it to fight.
My carefully crafted birth plan, intended for my VBAC attempt, was worthless at this point.
I had worked so hard to be reasonable in my birth plan. I gave my wishes, yes, accepting that there were circumstances under which those wouldn’t be possible or reasonable. Even as I wrote of the interventions I didn’t want, I could think of at least one scenario in which I would accept each one. My biggest request was that I be involved in every step of the process. I wasn’t going to give blanket consent to anything. I wanted to give my own consent every time a line was placed, a medication given, a monitor hooked on.
And now I’d just given consent to the one thing I’d worked so hard to avoid. A repeat c-section. With that, I’d given consent to be hooked to a machine, to be laid flat on my back, to be anesthetized. All those things I’d hoped to avoid this time around? I’d just given consent to go ahead with them.
They were necessary.
The hospital gown was not.
I decided to hold my ground.
I was going to wear my own robe.
My nurse pushed back. “I don’t want to ruin your beautiful robe,” she said. “It’s not going to make it out of the c-section in any condition to wear it again.”
“That’s fine.” I insisted. “I bought this robe for 99 cents at a used store ten years ago. It’s served me well. I don’t care if it’s ruined.”
After a couple more almost identical back and forths, she relented. I would keep my robe on.
They wheeled me into the operating room and the first thing I heard was another nurse calling out, “Somebody get this woman a gown.”
She was peeved, it seemed, that no one had bothered to properly prepare me for surgery.
But my nurse stood firm. “She doesn’t want to wear a gown. She’s quite adamant on that point.”
The anesthetist gave a sigh. “I need to access her back,” she told my nurse. “I need a sterile field to place the spinal.”
I chose to ignore how the anesthetist had been acting as if I weren’t there, weren’t my own person.
I was my own person. That was exactly what the robe represented to me at that point.
I spoke directly to the anesthetist. “Cut it.”
“But, but, your beautiful robe.”
“CUT IT.” I didn’t shout, but I was firm.
I was wearing this robe to surgery, one way or another. The robe was of no import – being able to wear it was of the highest import.
My nurse found some scissors, lifted the back of my robe. “I’m trying to cut as straight and as careful as I can. Maybe you can sew it back up after you’re done.”
I appreciated the effort, but it really wasn’t important. I’d already said that I didn’t care whether the robe was ruined. I really didn’t. The important thing was that somehow, in this birth that was so far from what I wanted, I remain me. The robe let me do that.
I’m sure it’s difficult, on the other side of the operating table, to understand why patients make what seem like such unreasonable demands.
How difficult is it to put on a hospital gown? Not at all. Why can’t she just do as she’s told, follow procedures? Doesn’t she understand how difficult it is to work around a robe that doesn’t have access to the back?
No, I didn’t understand, until you told my nurse, how valuable access to my back is for you.
But please, try to understand my side.
For you, this is just another day at work, albeit one in which you’re dealing with a difficult patient. For me, this is a day when something I’ve been working for for the past 20 months slips from my hands. This is a day when my life is in danger, my baby’s life in danger. When I’m forced to deliver my baby six weeks early via surgery.
For you, the robe is a nuisance. For me, the robe is the last thing that keeps me myself.
I’m so thankful for my nurse. Even though she didn’t understand why it was important, once she understood THAT it was important, she advocated for me.
She may never know (but I do) what a difference a robe makes.
Book Review: Stop Second Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years by Jen Singer
Doubts seem par for the mothering course.
You see the amazing mother on Facebook who is doing enrichment activities with her children every day of the week (Debbie, I’m looking at you!) and you wonder if your children are missing out because you mostly just stay home and work around the house.
You see other children who are talking in full sentences or singing songs or correctly identifying colors at age 1 and you wonder if maybe you’re the reason your child isn’t doing those same things.
Your toddler melts down when you tell her it’s time to get ready for bed and, instead of going straight to bed (like she’s trying to do), you go to the bathroom to brush her teeth (despite that having been your bedtime routine for months.) And when she melts down, you wonder if maybe you’re doing this mothering thing wrong.
A book called Stop Second Guessing Yourself: The Toddler Years sounds like just the thing. You need something to help you develop confidence in your own mothering so that you can relax and just get on with the mothering instead of constantly, well, second-guessing yourself.
If you pick up Jen Singer’s book hoping to get that, though, you’ll be disappointed. Rather than a confidence-inducing book for mothers, this is a collection of tips for a variety of toddler parenting situations. For the most part, it’s Jen’s own tips – although it does include some blurbs in sidebar form from Singer’s “MommaSaid.net” community. For the most part, the tips were in the relaxed category – hacks to get your kids to do what you want (without necessarily parenting their hearts) or to cope with the inevitable frustrations of toddlerhood.
Okay, I suppose, if that’s what you want. For my part, I prefer my “tip” books to either be
- from an experienced mother whose outcomes are known (Homeschooling mom of a half dozen who has well-mannered teenagers? I’d love to hear her tips of mothering)
- a compilation of research-proven methods (a la Nurture Shock)
- a compilation of tips from hundreds of different moms (because out of hundreds of moms, one of them might have circumstances and/or personalities that mesh with yours and your child’s)
or
So I wasn’t a huge fan of this book. Your results may vary.
Stay tuned, though, if you’re interested in hearing my advice for how to stop second guessing yourself as a mother.
Rating:2 stars
Category: Parenting Advice
Synopsis: One mother’s advice on how to cope with the toddler years. Emphasis on coping (versus parenting).
Recommendation: Not a fan, don’t recommend.