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Categories Everyday Life

Tirzah Mae and her Mother’s Wonderful, Beautiful, Very Good Day

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6 am-My husband brings me breakfast in bed while I breastfeed Tirzah Mae.

7 am-I take a chance and take a bath while Tirzah Mae is sleeping in bed. She stays asleep.

8 am-Tirzah Mae wakes up and I go to pick her up with my shower cap on. Tirzah Mae stares at my forehead, a frown furrowing her own. I take off the shower cap and as Tirzah Mae sees my hair she breaks into a wide, truly social smile – her first. I change her and set her in the swing while I rinse her dirty diaper. I return to find her gurgling at and reaching for the mobile above her – another first. We breastfeed and leave for Tuesday connection. Tirzah Mae makes no complaint when I load her into the carseat – she’s too busy looking around, as if seeing the world through new eyes.

9 am-We arrive at Tuesday Connection (our church’s primary Women’s Bible study) almost on time. There is delicious food. There is good discussion. There are several enjoyable conversations. Tirzah Mae stays alert on my lap during small group time, sleeps in the wrap during large group time.

noon-We breastfeed and Tirzah Mae falls asleep in my lap, affording me the opportunity to get something done on the computer. I open a new document and open my Bible to Exodus and lose myself in the word for the next couple of hours, breaking only periodically to reposition Tirzah Mae when she wakes for a second and third and fourth course.

2 pm-A sunny 70 degrees, the afternoon is too beautiful to stay inside. Tirzah and I set out, with her in the wrap and a song in my heart. We walk along the river for a couple miles. Tirzah Mae sleeps and I pray.

3 pm-I realize I’m thirsty as we approach the Douglas street bridge. The library is just a couple blocks down, I figure I’ll grab a drink before our return trip. Tirzah Mae gets hungry so we settle ourselves in the seldom-used lounge by the board room to breastfeed. We strike up a conversation with the switchboard operator, who used to work in a hospital nursery and doesn’t stop asking questions about Tirzah Mae. I’m glad for the conversation.

4 pm-We head home, Tirzah Mae now facing outward in the Moby. She watches the cars go by and explores the shadows on the ground. We start supper and sit down to breastfeed again.

5 pm-We breastfeed and Tirzah Mae allows me a free hand, giving me opportunity to read Nightstand posts and to peck out comments with one hand.

6 pm-My beloved, Tirzah Mae’s papa arrives home and we sit beside each other, eating dinner and discussing our days.

Tirzah Mae and her mother had a wonderful, beautiful, very good day yesterday.

Categories What's on Your Nightstand?

Nightstand (January 2015)

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One of the nice things about breastfeeding is that it enforces sit down times throughout the day. It generally leaves with just one free hand – which means breastfeeding time is reading time (but not usually blogging time.) It’s nice that, even though I feel dreadfully behind around the house, I still get my reading in :-)

January Fiction and Children's Books

Fiction read this month:
  • The Icebound Land by John Flanagan
    Book 3 in the Ranger’s Apprentice Series – I’m continuing to really enjoy these, although I wonder if they’re going to start getting weightier. I noticed one “damn” in this one and drug addiction plays a significant role in the plot – I’m hoping I haven’t led Davene astray in encouraging her son Josiah to read this series.
  • On a Whim by Robin Jones Gunn
    The second “Katie Weldon” book. She’s now officially dating Rick Doyle – and is working at acting normal around his roommate Eli. This is what I’ve come to expect from Gunn – a relatively realistic view of college life at a Christian college with strong Christian iron-sharpens-iron friendships.
  • Deceived by Irene Hannon
    A woman hires a private investigator to track down the boy she saw at a mall who looks like (and talks like) her dead son. Christian romantic crime-drama a la Dee Henderson. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
  • Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
    I always love returning to Avonlea – and Carrie’s L.M. Montgomery reading challenge gives me a chance to do so each year!
  • 17 children’s picture books author BOU to BRIDWELL

January Nonfiction

Nonfiction read this month:

Books about houses:

  • Sears, Roebuck Home Builder’s Catalog: The Complete Illustrated 1910 Edition
    An old-style dreambook.
  • House Styles at a Glance by Maurie Van Buren
    What are the primary characteristics of a Queen Anne style house? How about a Tudor or a craftsman bungalow? House Styles at a Glance can help you out, with illustrations for each type of house that point out key characteristics. This was a fascinating book.

Books about preemies:

  • The Preemie Primer by Jennifer Gunter
    An OB-GYN and mother of premature triplets, one of whom died shortly after birth, Jennifer Gunter describes the complications associated with prematurity comprehensively, taking a system by system approach (lungs, heart, brain, etc.) She also shares her own heartbreaking story of difficulties. This is a good overall review of both the hospital and post-hospital experience of having a preemie, slanted towards ongoing complications (since the author’s children experienced ongoing difficulties past age 3, when most preemies are considered to have caught up to their peers with no further “correction” needed.) I found certain parts of this book difficult as the author is clearly not pro-life and discusses selective reduction (aka abortion of one or more babies in a multiple pregnancy) and avoiding heroic measures from that standpoint (for the record, I have some definite opinions about avoiding heroic measures when there is nothing to be gained by doing so – but I come at it from a decidedly pro-life stance.)
  • The Preemie Parents’ Companion by Susan L. Madden
    Written by the mother of a preemie, this book gives a good overview of the hospitalization period, but it’s strongest point is describing what’s normal for a preemie once he comes home. Parents are often told to treat their child like a normal newborn once they leave the hospital (after being educated to correct for gestational age) – but preemies aren’t exactly normal newborns. Madden carefully describes the unique characteristics of preemies during the first couple years of life while they’re still “catching up” to their peers.

Other books:

  • Lookimg for Anne of Green Gables by Irene Gammel
    An exploration of the autobiographical and literary influences that led to Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne. Part biography, part comparative literature, this was a well-researched but still relatively speculative book. I enjoyed most of it, although Gammel’s fascination with human sexuality and speculation regarding Maud and her compatriots sexuality was less than pleasurable. I read this as part of Carrie’s L.M. Montgomery reading challenge.
  • The Food Police by Jayson Lusk
    Lusk, an agricultural economist, makes a case for keeping the government out of food – contrary to the wishes of the modern “food police”. Lusk discusses the economics of organic foods, agribusiness, fat taxes, and the “local food” movement. I greatly enjoyed this book – and while I have some differences with Lusk regarding what is desirable in terms of human behavior, I agree with him regarding what is desirable in terms of food policy. My biggest disappointment with this book is that, instead of taking the measured tone of a scholar, Lusk takes the more strident tone of a pundit, thus likely reducing the appeal of his message to the nonconverts.

On the docket for next month:

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

What's on Your Nightstand?

Categories Tirzah Mae

Ditching the Shield

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Disclaimer: This post contains a frank discussion of some of the difficulties of breastfeeding a preemie. I try not to be vulgar, but I do discuss the mechanics of breastfeeding openly. If you’d rather not read, feel free to skip this post.

After two half-hearted attempts to get my nipple situated in Tirzah Mae’s tiny red mouth, the nurse told me to wait right there.

As if I could do anything else. The swaddled miniature in my arms was hooked to half a dozen monitors, keeping her – and me – tightly bound to our recliner.

I tried again, squeezing breast tissue between thumb and forefinger to make a “nipple sandwich”. But Tirzah Mae was looking away – and my attempt to draw her close caused my sandwich to fall apart.

The nurse returned, deftly separating the cardboard insert from the back of a blister pack.

“Here.” She handed me a clear silicone nipple with small holes on the end. “Your nipples are too big for her to latch onto.”

I thought about protesting. We’d barely tried to latch Tirzah Mae on – and nipple shields, I knew, were not without risks. But they’d drilled home the NICU truth – we couldn’t waste calories doing unnecessary things, even things like latching her on at the breast.

So that was that.

A week later, a different nurse asked me how breastfeeding was going as she weighed Tirzah Mae before a breastfeeding session.

I explained that we were using a shield, but that it was going okay with that.

I heard myself in her voice, urging me to try to latch on without the shield.

I nodded halfheartedly, just like my clients do when I make the same suggestion.

“You don’t understand,” I thought. “I only get to breastfeed once a day and that for only thirty minutes. I can’t waste our precious time trying to get her latched.”

And the frustration at NICU policies caught up to me – scheduled feedings that were spaced too far apart for my infant daughter who was clearly hungry, crying and eating her fists after just two and a half hours, being able to breastfeed only once a day, having breastfeeding timed and with before and after weights constantly measuring our performance. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and I was thankful for the dimmed lights that hid my anger.

Once we had Tirzah Mae home, Daniel asked me occasionally how it was going – practicing without the shield.

I loved him for internalizing my antipathy towards the shield – and hated him for rushing me.

Practicing wasn’t easy. Tirzah Mae would become angry that milk wasn’t already flowing. I became impatient with her anger. I was tired, drained from long nights with little sleep and days where nothing got done.

It was so much effort to go without the crutch.

I cursed the nurse who gave it to us, who got us hooked on its subtle evil. I blamed her, crying stormily, as I fumbled with the shield with sleep-numbed hands. As it fell off – once, twice, five times.

Tirzah Mae grew angry with the wait and Daniel woke up to her wail. I blamed the nurse when Daniel complained of being unfocused at work the next day.

But we kept practicing, first once a week then more and more frequently.

We’re almost done with it, Tirzah Mae and I.

I never take it when we go out. I never use it when we’re breastfeeding around the house. It stays in the basket beside the bed, only to be used if Tirzah Mae’s too frustrated to latch after a few tries at night.

We’re on our way to losing the shield.

Good riddance, I say.

Categories Books, Everyday Life

A Much-Needed Holiday

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Many people might describe my personality as driven – and, when I think of it, that’s probably a rather apt description.

Driven recalls to mind an animal with a man behind it, cracking a whip or wielding a cane. So long as the animal keeps moving and moving as fast as the driver desires, he is comfortable enough. But should the animal slow or stop? He feels the whip upon his back.

That’s me.

I am the driven and the driver, weary and wanting rest but beating myself up when I slow or stop.

Adding a newborn to the mix adds a layer of fatigue I never imagined was possible. The driver insists that I get something done – that the house be cleaned, the dinner prepared, the blog post written. The daughter insists that I hold her rather than sleep.

So is it any surprise that I emerged from bed yesterday after a highly productive but exhausting Saturday followed by an utterly sleepless (okay, I got four or five thirty minute stretches) night and announced to my husband that I wanted a break.

“I just want to take a day off and read all my library books,” I told him.

Which got me thinking. Could I read all my library books in a day?

Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to literally read them all completely in a day – but could I even read a chapter of each?

I asked my husband for permission to take a 24-hour holiday – and at 1:30 pm yesterday I began my holiday.

I breastfed Tirzah Mae and made dinner – and I read, and read, and read.

By 1:30 pm today, I had read one chapter each of 41 books (40 nonfiction and 1 fiction), leaving just 4 nonfiction and 3 fiction books unread (also 24 children’s picture books that I didn’t even try to read).

I feel great.

It was a much-needed holiday (and I didn’t feel the whip crack even once.)

Categories Book Reviews

Book Review: Deceived by Irene Hannon

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Kate Marshall’s husband and son died in a boating accident three years ago. It’s taken time to pull her life together, but she’s done it – moving from New York to Missouri, working as a counselor for battered women looking for work. But as she descends an escalator at the local mall, she hears a childish voice ask for a “poppysicle”. Then she sees a boy who looks like a dead ringer for her lost son – except three years older than he was when his father’s boat capsized and he was lost in the lake, with his body never found. She can’t get the incident out of her mind, so she hires a private investigator to find out who the boy is – just to ease her mind.

Of course, she doesn’t expect that she’ll fall in love with the handsome PI or that she’ll end up with her life in danger.

I hadn’t read anything by Irene Hannon until my church book club selected Deceived for their January book club – but, having read it, I’m glad I did. Hannon’s writing style (and her subject matter) reminds me a lot of Dee Henderson – and I was so disappointed when Henderson’s writing skidded to a halt.

How is Hannon’s writing similar to Henderson’s? They both feature highly trained mid-thirties (or at least, I assume they’re in their mid-thirties) professionals in dangerous professions, both involve some sort of crime investigation, both include love stories that progress way too fast (in my mind). One difference is that Henderson’s mysteries tend to be mysteries – something that keeps the reader puzzling through to the end. With Deceived, we know the who-dun-it pretty much from the get-go, it’s the “how done it” and “why done it” that’s the mystery. Furthermore, Henderson spends most of her time developing her main characters – the leading man and woman (who will, of course, fall in love before the book is done) – while Hannon took a significant amount of time developing the villain (actually turning him into a fairly sympathetic character) and a secondary character.

I may be slightly annoyed by how fast the romances evolve (how’s that for hypocrisy?) and especially how kissing precedes commitment (at least in that I’m not hypocritical – Daniel and I’d committed to one another before we even met). I may be slightly annoyed at how shallowly Christian the characters are (that is, how they’re Christians who are committed to their churches but don’t bother to make sure they’re on the same page theologically before they get totally attached to one another – believe you me, theology is one of the first questions I asked of any potential beau!) Overall, I’m thrilled to have been introduced to another author who writes in the crime-drama genre I enjoy. But overall, I’m thrilled to have been introduced to another author who writes in the crime-drama genre I enjoy.

If you’re a fan of Henderson, or if you enjoy any of the massively popular crime-drama television shows these days, you’ll probably also enjoy Irene Hannon’s Deceived. Go ahead and give her a try.

Rating: 3 stars
Category: Christian Crime-drama romance
Synopsis: Kate Marshall hires a PI to investigate the boy she saw in the mall who looks exactly like her son would have – except that he presumably died in a boating accident three years ago.
Recommendation: Recommended for fans of Dee Henderson or of crime-drama in general

Categories Parenting

Back on bedrest…

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… but this time it’s self-imposed.

I woke up for our early morning feeding yesterday with pain and hardness in my right breast. Not particularly surprising considering I’d been sleeping on my right side and we’d gone longer than normal between feedings.

I put Tirzah Mae to the breast and we breastfed for two hours. But instead of feeling better by the time we were done, I was feeling worse. Not only was I exhausted, I’d started shaking uncontrollably and the pain was bad enough that I couldn’t change positions.

By then, there wasn’t a question in my mind. I was sure I had mastitis. But on a Sunday morning, what is one to do?

I hung out on the couch, breastfeeding on the affected side first every two hours and sleeping while Daniel took Tirzah Mae in between.

When I was sure my sister would be home from church, I texted her seeking sympathy. She concurred with my self- diagnosis, offered sympathy, and ordered me to the doctor for antibiotics.

I’d been planning to call first thing Monday morning – the last time we went to urgent care on a Sunday, we waited 4 hours. Neither Tirzah Mae nor I could go that long without breastfeeding – and I didn’t relish exposing Tirzah Mae to a waiting room full of sick people for four hours. I texted and then called my sister to explain my predicament. She agreed that it was a tough one but couldn’t in good conscience recommend anything but that I start antibiotics immediately.

We went to urgent care.

The receptionist asked what I was there for – I confidently told her that I had mastitis. She asked if I’d been diagnosed, and Daniel’s voice beside me answered “self”. He’d come in unbeknownst to me from parking the car. I tried to defend myself – “and by my PA sister”. In my head, I was pleading, “I’m not one of those I-Googled-it self-diagnosers. I know what I’m talking about.” But really, it wasn’t important.

We waited maybe 15 minutes before I was called back for vitals. My temperature was just 99.4 “Great,” I thought, “now they’ll just think it’s a clogged duct. My sister sent me here for antibiotics and they won’t give them to me.” But then I was back in the waiting room.

Daniel read. I held Tirzah Mae. I nursed Tirzah Mae. I tried to relax the legs that were starting to tremble. Tirzah Mae started to fuss. I stood up and she calmed, but then the room started to sway. I asked Daniel to take Tirzah Mae. He did and tried to strike up a conversation – but my energy was completely focused on enduring. Nothing was left for conversation.

After an interminable wait, they called my name. They took me back to the exam room where I waited again. This time, it was only for a short while before the doctor walked in. I gave a brief history, explained apologetically that my temperature had been higher when I’d taken it at home. She brushed aside my explanation – “That temperature was just a point in time – and the hot and cold and shakiness and achiness you’ve described is consistent with fever.” She did a quick exam. “I think you do have mastitis,” she confirmed.

She instructed me to not quit breastfeeding (yay for doctors who follow best practices – there was a time not too long ago where physicians encouraged quitting – or at least pumping and dumping – for mastitis.) She encouraged me to try to empty that breast at each feeding. She gave me the okay to use Tylenol to manage the pain and fever. And she prescribed me an antibiotic.

I put myself on bedrest.

The only time I’ve felt worse is the day before we delivered Tirzah Mae – the day I felt so weak and awful that I gave up on the vaginal delivery I’d dreamed of practically my whole life. Thankfully, the Tylenol has worked wonders (as long as I take it consistently every four hours.)

I’m not going to try to be heroic with this one. I’m going to focus my efforts on getting better. Which means Tirzah Mae and I are staying in bed and breastfeeding frequently. I’m getting out to go to the bathroom, change her diaper, and get food. That’s it.

‘Cause I’m gonna get better, darn it, and I’m going to get better QUICKLY!

Categories Homemaking, Work

In which I am no longer employed

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Today marks a last for me – and tomorrow a first.

Today is my last day of employment. Today, I remain a WIC dietitian.

Tomorrow is my first day of…

Well, what exactly is tomorrow my first day of? What exactly am I as of tomorrow?

Calling today my last day of employment might lead one to think that tomorrow is my first day of unemployment. But that wouldn’t be true. You see, the technical definition of unemployment is that one is not working for pay but IS actively seeking work for pay. That’s not me.

Maybe I’m joining the ranks of the underemployed-as one who is highly skilled but working a low wage job that does not use her skills. I doubt that. For one, unless you count my monthly “allowance” (Daniel and I both have one), I will have no wage whatsoever. Secondly, I disagree with the idea that what I’ll be doing is low-skill or won’t make use of my education or expertise.

Maybe if I told you what I’d be doing, we’d be able to come up with a better label for my employment status.

But what exactly will I be doing as of tomorrow?

I’ll be at home, taking care of my daughter. I’ll be feeding her, changing her, bathing her, rocking her to sleep, and making sure she gets that all-important tummy time. But I don’t intend to be a stay-at-home mommy.

I’ll be doing laundry, doing dishes, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilet. But I don’t intend to be a housewife.

Let’s call it being a stay-at-home wife. My goal is to care for our daughter and care for our home in such a way that Daniel is able to be happier, more productive, and better loved.

Yes, I’m leaving paid employment to be at home with our daughter – but ultimately, I’m leaving paid employment so I can be a better helper to my husband.

I’ll be taking a pay cut, sure – but I have a feeling this job will require every bit of skill and education I possess.

I’m not going to be unemployed or underemployed – I’m going to be a happily unpaid full-time helpmate.

Employment statisticians can make if that what they will.

Categories Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday: Hacked

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Thankful Thursday banner

Some of you may have noticed something wonky going on with bekahcubed over the past several days. That’s because bekahcubed was hacked – and I’ve been in the process of fixing it.

This week I’m thankful…

…for a fortuitous discovery
I was trying to figure out how to adjust blog posts to turn off search engine indexing (so I could make photo albums of Tirzah Mae unsearchable) – and one of the suggestions I found involved adjusting something in the blog header. I went off to my custom php header and found…code that I didn’t recognize. And since I coded my blog templates by hand, that’s a very bad thing. Finding it, though, is a very good thing. Because every day a hack goes unrecognized is another day a hacker can be wreaking havoc on your website.

…for tutorials for fixes
Fixing a hacked website can be an arduous process. Fixing a hacked website if it isn’t what you do for a living can be exhausting and confusing. Thankfully, some of the people who fix hacked websites for a living also write about how to do it – and make it plain so hobbyists like myself can fix their sites with relative ease. This post from Smackdown came in handy as I worked on closing any backdoors the hacker might have installed.

…for my dad taking time on his birthday to help me
It took me a while to realize that one massive portion of the fix would have to be done on the web hosting control panel. Which would mean my dad would have to finish the fix since he owns and manages menterz.com. Unfortunately, by the time I realized he would need to help, it was late at night the night before his birthday. So my birthday text included a request – could I call him about fixing my site? He obliged and spent part of the afternoon of his birthday adjusting passwords and making sure the database was clean.

…for a husband who reads my blog
I thought I had bekahcubed completely working again, having checked out the main page and seeing that everything was present. But my husband was reading and tried to look at the comments on my latest post – and discovered that all the pages other than the main page were giving 404 errors. He kindly let me know, I googled the problem and got it fixed. Yay!

It’s always eye-opening when my blog goes down. I find myself getting surprisingly anxious, feeling like I need to drop everything until it’s fixed. I come to realize just how bound up I am with these pages, how I feel like a part of my identity is missing if my blog isn’t intact.

A wise woman once said “My circumstances are not my life; Christ Jesus is my life.” And having my blog go down provides me with another reminder that “My blog is not my life; Christ Jesus is my life.”

Thank You, Lord, for the reminder – and for the reality.

“[Insert quote or Scripture]”
~[Insert source or Scripture reference]