Thankful Thursday: Momentary Mercies

Sometimes life seems very confused.

Weeping lasts for a very long night…

but then there’s work the next morning.

This hasn’t been the easiest of weeks for me–I had an enormously long day on Tuesday (I didn’t get back from Grand Island until midnight) and have pretty much been running on emotional empty since then.

Thankful Thursday banner

That’s why this week, I’m thankful for the momentary mercies…

…for laughing at the ducks (actual ducks, not these sort) winging above our house

…for a friend who encouraged me to take the night off

…for grimacing smiles from a friend who feels my pain during a particularly unbearable session

…for the brief reprieve of sleep after hours of exhausted sobbing

…for a little stand up comedy routine during our morning meeting (my coworkers rarely fail to crack me up)

…for meetings that were short, saving my voice and my heart for other work

…for the little lady in the Alzheimer’s unit who told me I was a good friend after I stopped to chat with her a while before going back to my office

…for the story of classical music playing in my car

…for recipes for corn bread and enough time to run out and get them

…for goats in the truck in front of me on my way home from work

…for the man on his bicycle outside my house when I got home

…for my bike waiting in the garage, reminding me that last night’s bad dreams were simply bad dreams, not reality

And most of all, I’m thankful for the continuous mercy shown to me through YOUR prayers and encouraging comments.

Even as I dredge the “depths of despair” (as Anne of Green Gables would say), you continually remind me not to turn my back on God, not to listen to the lies the enemy would tell me about who I am and where I’m at.

Thank you, thank you so much.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you.


Nobody puts Bekah on the Shelf

Remember that line from Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze (as Johnny) says: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”?

That’s what I feel like

…or maybe felt like.

Nobody puts Bekah on the shelf.

Yet, one way or another, that’s where I am.

Who put me here?

Was it the scads of young men (who must be out there somewhere) who have pursued careers or glory or other women while leaving me to gather dust on the shelf?

I want to blame them. Why do you choose all these other things and leave me behind when I want so much to be joined with someone–to pursue God’s glory together.

Or perhaps it was me, pursuing life and career and ministry to the fullest while living out this single life–leading the world to erroneously conclude that I did not want marriage?

I censure myself even as I wonder how I could have done things differently. If I had focused less on school. If I had shown a little less outward contentment with my single life. If I had pursued marriage with the same abandon that I pursued knowledge or even the girls that I ministered to.

But all these conjectures lead me to the One I must not censure, but often want to.

God.

God put me on this shelf.

If I believe that God is truly sovereign (which I do), I can come to no other conclusion.

Yes, the sinful (and righteous) actions of man (and myself) have contributed to the place where I am today.

But ultimately, I am where I am today because God willed it.

Therein lies my struggle.

I see the goodness of marriage “which is an honourable estate, instituted of God in the time of man’s innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church” (as the Book of Common Prayer declares.)

And I see the “not good-ness” of aloneness.

“It is not good that man should be alone.” Genesis 2:18

Yet the God who saw fit to make a helper suitable for Adam in the Garden, who instituted the honourable estate of marriage then, has not seen fit to make a helper suitable for me, has not seen fit to introduce me into said honourable estate.

How am I to reconcile the goodness of God with His withholding goodness from me? How am I to reconcile the goodness of God with His placing good desires in me, but withholding the good fulfillment of those desires?

This is my daily struggle as I sit here on the shelf.

I believe wholeheartedly that God is good. I believe wholeheartedly that He is sovereign.

But every day, as my desires and my reality clash, I am forced to again make peace with the God who is good but looks not. I am forced to make peace with the God who is sovereign but feels not.

I am forced to make peace with the God who has put me on the shelf.


Shelf-Life

If Regency Romances are to be trusted, a woman who has reached her later years and is beyond reasonable hope of marriage is said to be “on the shelf.”

Accordingly, when I turned twenty-six a few weeks back, I resolved that I would have a shelf party–celebrating my status as one who is “on the shelf.”

It was a joke–but it wasn’t.

Unlike in Regency days, twenty-six is no longer a death knell to hopes of marriage.

Women have a longer shelf-life these days.

Better nutrition, better medical technology, more options for women–all of these mean a woman of twenty-six still has hope for husband and home. And even without husband, single women are not shelved. We can have careers, we can be independent, we can live lives of our own without .

I’ve taken full advantage of this freedom.

I have a career I enjoy, a home I love, a group of friends I delight to spend time with. I have a group of young girls who take great pleasure in coming to my home to craft and sew.

But all the fullness of my single life does not save me from feeling shelved–and feeling that my shelf-life is rapidly coming to a close.

I’ve dreamed of marriage, longed for a family, prayed for a husband for at least fifteen years.

After fifteen years, the hope begins to fade. The dream begins to feel like a pipe dream. The prayers take on a new dimension–desperation and resignation combined.

As much as I love my career, I would give it up in a heart-beat for the profession of my dreams: homeschool mother of a huge brood of children.

Yet my time feels short.

My mom had children about as quickly as you can have them–seven children in ten years. Even if I were to be married tomorrow, my ten years would put me past thirty-five–the age where pregnancy risks dramatically rise.

The much-longed for profession becomes less likely, more risky, with every month that passes. My body wearing out, my remaining years fewer.

The woman who only wants one or two has time at twenty-six. The woman who wants at least half a dozen–as I do–needs more time.

My expiration date looms, my shelf-life wearing down.

On the shelf.

Hope

expiring.


WiW: Contemplation

The Week in Words

“…don’t spend a lot of time in contemplation unless you’re contemplating Jesus.”
~Taylor Buzzard, via Buzzard Blog

Words this contemplative needs to hear.

Contemplating my current juggle of work, family, church, friends, blogging.

It overwhelms.

“…don’t spend a lot of time in contemplation unless you’re contemplating Jesus.”

Contemplating the world and its politics and wars and rumours of war.

“…don’t spend a lot of time in contemplation unless you’re contemplating Jesus.”

Contemplating the future and all of its uncertainties.

“…don’t spend a lot of time in contemplation unless you’re contemplating Jesus.”

Contemplating the things of this world will only make me a woman of this world. Contemplating dead things will only make me a dead woman. Contemplating the flesh will only serve to strengthen the flesh.

So contemplate Jesus, Rebekah. Contemplate Christ.

Contemplate the One who has overcome this world. Contemplate the One who has overcome the grave. Contemplate the One who crucifies and raises your dead flesh.

Contemplate Christ.

“You are beautiful beyond description
Yet God crushed You for my sin
In agony and deep affliction
Cut off that I might enter in
Who can grasp such tender compassion
Who can fathom this mercy so free
You are beautiful beyond description
Lamb of God who died for me.

And I stand I stand in awe of You
I stand I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You

~Lyrics to I Stand in Awe, verse 2, via Julian Freeman

Don’t forget to take a look at Barbara H’s meme “The Week in Words”, where bloggers collect quotes they’ve read throughout the week.


Dance Partners

He was talking with his friends after the Macarena, discussing what they would do next.

I watched with bemusement, then with surprise, as he lifted his hand, pointed at me, and declared “I want to dance with HER.”

And dance with me he did.

Except for the snowball dance, where we were each forced to seek new partners, he danced with me all night, until he reluctantly said goodbye…

…when his parents said it was time to go home.

He was four.


Down for a day

It gave up the ghost Thursday morning ’round about eight.

I gave up on it Thursday night ’round about midnight.

Finally this afternoon, with the help of my father, I got my internet back up again.

I’m glad it’s going again

I’m glad to be blogging again, to be able to check my e-mail and read my blogs.

I’m glad to be able to look up interesting information quickly and check on whether that book I just read about is at my library.

I’m not glad for what I discovered while it was down.

I discovered that when my internet is down, I’m off-center.

I’m fumbling for what to do.

I’m anxious about what I might be missing.

But the internet shouldn’t be my center.

I don’t want my life to revolve around the web.

I want my life to revolve around Christ.

I want my mind to always be seated with Him in heavenly places…

…not down for a day with the internet.


Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing

That’s what I have to say today.

Okay, not quite.

I actually have plenty to say. I just haven’t the time or the energy to say it.

So I’ll be leaving you with “Nothing, Nothing, Absolutely Nothing” instead.

Don’t tell me you don’t know “Ah Lord God” from the 70s?

Well, you might just have to be enlightened.

Ah Lord God,
Thou hast made the heavens and the earth
by Thy great power
Ah Lord God
Thou hast made the heavens and the earth
by Thine outstretched arm

Nothing is too difficult for Thee
Nothing is too difficult for Thee
Oh great and mighty God
Great in counsel and mighty in deed
Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing
Is too difficult for Thee

It’s a good reminder when many things are too difficult for ME.


Nightstand (March 2011)

The oddest part of my new library routine is the experience of finding myself “booked out” by the end of my library visit.

The children’s picture books are easy–just grab the next 50. The rest, not so easy. I select my five fiction, my five nonfiction, my three juvenile nonfiction, my three juvenile fiction. I’ve followed all my rules in selecting–2 Christian fiction, 2 secular fiction, 1 literary fiction, 1 biography, 1 craft book, 1 theology/Christian living, etc…

And then I get to my nine “my picks”. And find myself getting “booked out.”

By the last couple, I’m forcing myself to keep looking, even though I’m feeling like book overload.

The nice thing, however, is that I haven’t yet gotten “booked out” in the six weeks between trips to the library. My new system seems to be giving me just the right mix of fiction and nonfiction, stretching and fluff, structure and freedom to keep me engaged for the full six weeks.

Viva la system!

Books on my nightstand

This month, I made it through:

Across the River and Into the Trees by Ernest Hemingway
It took me twelve weeks of slogging to figure out that I was never going to figure out the pull of Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms. Now, having demolished Across the River and Into the Trees I’m stuck trying to figure out why I absolutely love some Hemingway–and absolutely hate others. This particular piece, about an old colonel and his young Italian lover, kept my nose sandwiched in a book even when the weather outside was lovely (and should have been pulling out there.) Maybe because this one mentioned World War II? But I don’t think that was it. Or maybe it’s the “old man” aspect–I certainly liked Old Man and the Sea. Or perhaps it was the love story–like the reason I enjoyed For Whom the Bell Tolls. I’m not sure. But this one was a good one in my book (although it does have a fair bit of Hemingway’s own unique brand of er.otica, caveat emptor.)

The Amusement Park Mystery created by Gertrude Chandler Warner
My opinion of the “created by” books remains unchanged.

The Confessions by St. Augustine
Good book. Difficult to get through. Definitely God-honoring. Definitely though-provoking. A few of my thoughts can be found here (The Blessed Life), here (A Poor Counterfeit), and here (The Bridge across the Chasm)

Earth to Betsy by Beth Pattillo
The sequel to Heavens to Betsy (which I most decidedly did NOT like), this book is more of the same. If you want to read a story about a female pastor who seems to never think of God except to make puns using liturgical terms, this is the book for you. I only read it because I’m reading every book in my library (and eager to close this author out before she writes another book about Betsy Blessing.)

The Factastic Book of 1001 Lists by Russell Ash
Another Dorling-Kindersley book that I enjoy WAY too much. Facts on everything from art to science to food to geography to… you name it. This one wasn’t as evolution-focused as Ask Me Anything–so I’m inclined to recommend this one as a great general trivia book.

The Guernsey Literary and Sweet Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer
It’s been on my TBR list forever, because it seemed like a while back the whole blog-o-sphere was raving about it. Unfortunately, I never took down the links to the many reviews that convinced me to read this book. I say this with true regret because I am truly thankful for having read this book. A novel written entirely in letters, this is a sweet story of how a youngish female writer from London meets a group of people who had survived the Nazi occupation of Guernsey (island). She first meets them via a letter from a man who had purchased a book secondhand–a book that used to belong to her. By the end of the novel, her whole life is taken up in that of the Guernsey Literary and Sweet Potato Peel Pie Society. This was a marvelous book.

The Liturgical Year by Joan Chittister and Phyllis Tickle
I realized after writing my review that I’d promised Thomas Nelson I’d read the entire book. I forced myself to do so. My opinion is the same. I didn’t really like this book. At all. Click the link to find out why.

Norah’s Ark by Judy Baer
Christian chick-lit, borrowed from my little sister, who borrowed it from the library. Amusing, but I begin to tire of the woman-being-chased-by-three-men plot–and the “waiting for bells” line too. (I fear I am becoming a bitter single, Lord help me!)

Paris Encore and Dunkirk Crescendo by Bodie Thoene
Yes, I know, you’ve already heard me rave about these books a bazillion times. But I wrote a little piece about this series–or about what this series has done for me. I called the piece In Praise of Historical Fiction

The Shallows by Nicholas Carr
Like every book blogger out there, I loved this book. But since every book blogger out there (or at least Lisa of Lisa Notes, Janet of Across the Page, and Tim Challies of Challies.com-who made it one of his top books of 2010) has already reviewed it, I won’t be reviewing it here. I did, however, write a few reflections on what I read: “Outsourcing Humanity”.

The Nazis by William W. Lace
The Rise of the Nazis by Charles Freeman
Hitler Youth by Susan Campbell Bartoletti
I’m on a World War II kick, surprise, surprise–see above under Paris Encore–and I wrote up a joint review of all three of these juvenile history books.

Winston Churchill by John Keegan
At 192 pages, this was a nice, quick, easy-to-read intro to Churchill’s life. It’s whetted my appetite for more–I imagine I could spend the rest of my life reading about this man and still not exhaust what there is to know about him. He seems a very…LARGE man.

Children’s Picture Books author name BASE-BAUER

  • Books by Graeme Base: Picture books with riddles hidden in every layout. In one book, readers are encouraged to find a dozen animals hidden in each layout. In another, there’s a who-dun-it crime that readers can solve by decoding a variety of simple ciphers found in the borders of each layout. It takes a while to read these because you spend so much time on each page–but they’re pretty neat. These are for slightly older readers. Probably third or fourth grade?
  • Books by Teresa Bateman: Whimsical Irish folktales starring leprechauns, lyrists, and liars or hilarious little farm tales hosting silly children and equally silly animals. I enjoyed reading these books quite a deal.
  • The Princess and The White Bear King by Tanya Robyn Batt: A retelling of the ancient Norse fairy tales “East of the Sun, West of the Moon”, “The Black Bull of Norway”, and “The White Bear King.” I was delighted with this story and its illustrations–and when I got to the end of the book, I found that it was published by none other than Barefoot Books (a publisher Carrie raves about, but who I hadn’t encountered until this book.) Perhaps Carrie’s right–I’m definitely impressed with my first taste of Barefoot Books.
  • Papa’s Mark by Gwendolyn Battle-Lavert: I enjoyed this story about an African American man who learned to write his name so that he could write his own name when he voted (just after the Civil War.)

‘Twas a good reading month–and now my library crates stand empty, ready to be refilled with books to be returned once I’m done reading them. This six-week’s haul is pretty exciting–I can’t wait to dig into them!

My crates waiting for books

Don’t forget to drop by 5 Minutes 4 Books to see what others are reading this month!

What's on Your Nightstand?


WiW: Breathing Room/Living Space

The Week in Words

While reading John Keegan’s Penguin Lives biography of Winston Churchill (unsurprisingly titled Winston Churchill), I found the following quote by Churchill, describing his vision for the world:

“The cause of the poor and the weak all over the world will [be] sustained; and everywhere small peoples will get more room to breathe; and everywhere great empires will be encouraged by our example to step forward into the sunshine of a more gentle and more generous age.”

Churchill said this in 1910 or so, four years before the world would be drawn into a Great War.

At the same time, German thinkers and political theorists were developing their theory of Lebensraum or “Living Space” which Hitler would take as a main Nazi party doctrine.

Hitler writes of the principle of Lebensraum in Mein Kampf:

“Without consideration of traditions and prejudices, Germany must find the courage to gather our people and their strength for an advance along the road that will lead this people from its present restricted living space to new land and soil, and hence also free it from the danger of vanishing from the earth or of serving others as a slave nation.

The National Socialist Movement must strive to eliminate the disproportion between our population and our area—viewing this latter as a source of food as well as a basis for power politics—between our historical past and the hopelessness of our present impotence.”
~Adolf Hitler in Mein Kampf found in the Wikipedia article on Lebensraum

Living space, Hitler declares. Give us living space.

Breathing room, Churchill proclaims. Give them breathing room.

I couldn’t help but be struck by the similarities between the two phrases.

“Living space”

“Breathing room”

The same sort of vision.

One led to the destruction of over six thousand Jews and many thousand more minorities (whether political, ethnic, religious, or social).

The other led to the liberation of Western Europe from encroaching totalitarian regimes.

Similar dreams, completely at odds with one another.

The two men would be pitted against one another in the largest war the world has seen yet.

Hitler would fight for his Lebensraum, bowling over nation after nation in Europe.

Churchill would stand, for the most part alone, to regain “breathing room” for the many marginalized peoples of Europe.

What is the difference between the two?

While Hitler argues for the benefit of himself and his people, those he has considered to be the “master race”, Churchill argues on behalf of the poor, the weak, the “small peoples”.

The same goal, but two separate targets.

Fight for my rights, for my people, for my way of life?

Or fight for others?

Not to say that Churchill was not interested in Britain’s rights or people or way of life. In fact, he was, rather oddly, a British imperialist–and certainly interested in Britain’s interests.

But he was nevertheless conscious of the rights and desires of the downtrodden, the oppressed, the “small peoples”–and it was this that made his “breathing room” so different than Hitler’s Lebensraum.

Don’t forget to take a look at Barbara H’s meme “The Week in Words”, where bloggers collect quotes they’ve read throughout the week.


Homemaking Meme

Barbara H. of Stray Thoughts has put together a little homemaking meme which provides a great opportunity to get to know one another’s homemaking styles.

1. Do you make a plan for the week? The day? Or just go with the flow?

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I had a weekly plan. I assigned a task to each day: laundry, upstairs cleaning, downstairs cleaning, grocery shopping/kitchen tasks (like baking bread, making yogurt, etc.), trash/recycling, and outdoor work. I followed it pretty faithfully and it worked pretty well.

Lately, though, I’ve spent so much time at work and been so exhausted when I get home that I haven’t done anything except laundry, which I still do faithfully every Thursday night.

2. When is your best planning time?

Humph. I don’t plan for my home life anymore. I never know what my work life might look like so I never know when I’ll be home or what sort of condition I’ll be in when I finally do get home, so I’m currently just flying by the seat of my pants on the home front. (If you think of me, pray that I could place some appropriate boundaries around work life–and learn to have a home life again.)

3. Do you clean room by room or task by task (e.g., do you dust the whole house at one time, or do you clean the living room completely before going on to another room?)

It varies from day to day–and whether I’m caught up on things or not. If I’m doing decluttering, I tend to do it in a circle around a room, taking care of one surface at a time. I get that surface entirely clean, dusted, and everything that needs to be done in or around it done and then move on to the next. On the other hand, I prefer to do all my vacuuming (in the whole house) all at once.

4. Do you do certain tasks every day every week, like a shopping day, a laundry day, etc.?

I guess I sorta answered that one on question 1. This is a habit I’d like to get back into.

5. What’s your least favorite housecleaning task?

Catching up. I hate when I get so behind that I really have to scrub and WORK at cleaning. I prefer to do it little by little so the task never gets that big (not that I’m doing that currently, bah!)

6. Do you have a favorite housecleaning task?

Making my bed with fresh linens. I love making hospital corners and having a made up bed.

7. What do other family members do in the way of cleaning the house?

Not make messes.

Which my other family member (in the house) does a much better job of than I.

She also does dishes and cleans the kitchen pretty frequently.

Otherwise, she doesn’t make messes, so why should she clean them up?

8. What, if anything, do you do to make housecleaning more enjoyable, (e.g., play music, set a timer, etc.).

I used to listen to audio books quite a bit while I cleaned. Now, I tend to set timers and give myself 15 minutes of cleaning or decluttering and then 15 minutes of internet time (rinse and repeat as many times as I can bear.)

9. What things make a room seem messy or unclean to you?

Stuff on the floor (which is totally one of my personal failings).

10. What are particular areas that are standouts to you that other people miss?

I think I’m a very unpicky cleaner. While I prefer to cover everything with a fine-toothed comb (when I’m deep cleaning or in “stove job” mode), I don’t generally look too deeply when others are cleaning.

It does drive me nuts when people wipe a surface and don’t get rid of all the “sticky” though.

11. How do you motivate yourself to clean when you don’t feel like it?

That is the question of the day.

I’ll let you know when I get motivation.

Frankly, I usually invite someone over, which does a good job of motivating me towards basic presentability (at least, getting stuff off the floor.)